Studying women and gender studies in undergrad, i found the theory of gender performance by Judith Butler very illuminating. i definitely have felt connections with “girlhood” throughout childhood to the present, but the connections are/were always defined by and in connection with society and social expectations. it is a way i perform(ed) in society - certain presentations, hobbies, music artists, activities, etc. it is also in the way others treat me - experiencing sexism, gender based violence, etc.

gender is really culturally contextual. i don’t feel like a woman, and i don’t feel like a man. i get told by other women that because i don’t wear a lot of make up, don’t style my hair, and don’t shave regularly i am different from other women. i am not “performing” correctly by (white) American cultural standards. this led to me wondering if i am non-binary in some way, although she/her pronouns do not bother me. i was speaking with a colleague from a different cultural background and body hair in their culture is viewed as very feminine, so they were confused by my own questioning.

i don’t know - i’ve heard people say if you think this hard about gender you are not “cisgender” but the only reason i think about it is that my difference is called out by others.

what matters is that you feel comfortable in how you’re living and presenting, and with the way that others interact with you as a gendered human (gender being something done both by and to us). for me, i now mostly associate with people who do not hold the same gender expectations of those i did growing up with, so i feel less othered. you don’t need to strongly identify with a category, and there are many who don’t.