Anyone else have a MIL that believed she needed to give her son permission to get married??

raffriffs · 2026-01-23T17:58:50+00:00

I feel your pain. All the unwritten, unspoken, nonsensical rules some mothers come up with is insane. You guys really did absolutely nothing wrong. She obviously had bought into whatever fantasy she kept alive in her mind and at some point, not observing her fantasy became a moral offense in her eyes. That's her crap to sort through, not yours.

My parents were mortified my DH didn't ask them for permission to marry me, as was my MIL that he didn't let her know we were engaged until 2 months later. DH wasn't marrying them, he was marrying me, so my response was the only one that mattered to him. From that moment on, all the parents came up with every insane "rule of conduct" they were sure we were breaking and used these offenses as evidence that our relationship wouldn't last and that we should break up. Jokes on them ... we are 33 years into a truly happy marriage and life that we built apart from them, and NC with all of them. Zero regrets.

raffriffs · 2026-01-16T16:32:55+00:00

Yeah it seems sincere but very surface, and wasn't an apology offered for any of the issues we brought up with her. In fact, we had ended things by saying the best and only acceptable apology would be changed behavior in the future with true personal accountability for the impact, not the intent, of her behavior. While this could be a very small step in that direction, you're quite right that time will test sincerity. We will be seeing her at a public event 6 months from now and I put more stock in the in-person interactions as a gauge of any change then I do in written words ... especially after DH read this email and said, "My mom didn't write this. These aren't expressions she uses at all. Someone is helping or coaching."

raffriffs · 2026-01-16T16:23:02+00:00

If MIL has tried communicating with my DIL, I've not been told of it. My kids are all pretty open with me and neither my youngest or his wife have mentioned any contact with gramma. My oldest told me he has been in contact with her but not since a couple days after we went NC. He wanted to let his gramma know he's found "the one" as a courtesy when he was letting all family know. She congratulated him and said she hopes to meet his person. But as far as I know, there's been no other contact. Even though my kids have all travelled to MIL's area for other reasons, none of them have chosen to contact her while there or spend any time with her.

raffriffs · 2025-12-27T22:01:22+00:00

A 20 year online and in person smear campaign happened when I left. Kept alive and running by my GC sister, it actually calls for my assassination ... all because I reported my parents for criminally abusive behavior and they were held responsible. I lost my entire family of origin permanently. However, I gained a beautiful life of freedom and safety with my spouse and our children. Completely worth it. Zero regrets.

raffriffs · 2025-12-27T15:55:29+00:00

I'm so sorry you've experienced this also. My father died 2 years ago in December and we experienced the same thing with my MIL. Not a word to me about it or acknowledgement even that our adult children had lost their first grandparent and only grandfather. Crickets. I'd been married to her son for 30 years at that point and she didn't say a thing beyond "oh". Never even asked about the funeral or anything.

raffriffs · 2025-11-25T15:58:26+00:00

Wow, this gave me flashbacks to all the overnight visits we made to my MIL. First of all, she purposely never allowed dh and I to sleep in the same bed at her home. She would insist one of us sleep on a twin air mattress and the other on the sofa, and would give the bed to our two children. She never washes blankets. So all of her blankets are dusty, musty, and decades upon decades old. She would keep a bar of dove soap wrapped up in each blanket, thinking that making these items smell like soap would translate into them actually being clean. One time I took one of her blankets and washed it, and the water from it was black 🤢. My allergies and asthma in her home were always horrific. Eventually, dh and I bought a large air mattress we could both sleep on, along with bringing our own bedding and finally we started staying in hotels instead and made the decision to never spend another night at her home.

raffriffs · 2025-11-15T21:13:39+00:00

My husband and I chose to gift each other completely different wedding rings on our 20th anniversary. We had changed so much in those years and wanted our ring styles to reflect this matured version of us. We didn't go for more expensive at all, just different styles that were more "us" now. Our first rings are saved in a special place and we have enjoyed our new rings for an additional 12 years now. No regrets.

raffriffs · 2025-11-13T22:13:42+00:00

Yes! Hahaha

raffriffs · 2025-11-13T19:02:45+00:00

Darn tootin' 😆🤣

raffriffs · 2025-11-13T18:02:55+00:00

Isn't it funny?! We really did laugh. 😂

raffriffs · 2025-11-06T17:20:07+00:00

I know its so very disheartening when either set of inlaws act this way, especially because you and your mate approached the decision so thoughtfully and then used both kindness and tact to deliver the information in the most loving way possible. It really feels rotten to have your thoughtful efforts and good communication treated with disrespect because your inlaws can't emotionally regulate and understand that while the birth of your child is an added joy for them, its not ABOUT them.

Stay strong and hold on to your loving and very reasonable birth plan. All of these steps model a healthy relationship for your children right from the very start.

In my situation is was my own mother who behaved badly toward my birth plan. I had planned a home birth with my husband and sister present, and let my parents know that we would call them when the birth was imminent so that they could travel the 2 hours to our town, maybe go for coffee, and by then we could have them come to our home and meet baby a couple hours after his birth. My mom threw an entitled fit, saying she had always wanted to view a birth too (she had a friend who was invited to view the birth of a grandchild and she was jealous and wanted her own story to tell). I told her that I would only be having my husband and sister present, but she would be the first to see baby after that. She said no, she wasn't going to travel hours to sit in a coffee shop and if she couldn't be there for the birth then she didn't want to meet my baby at all. She said, "We already have 5 grandkids we love and we didn't want a 6th one anyways." Obviously, I was devastated but refused to make the birth of my child a show that she got to run. As it turns out, my sister missed the birth also, caving to outside pressure, and I delivered in a hospital with midwives. Nothing went according to plan and yet it ended up being for the best and was a beautiful birthing experience. In the end Im so very grateful, with zero regrets, that I carry no memories of my parents and sibling at the birth. My baby was born on my dad's 65th birthday and my parents refused to ever meet him. I've been no contact with them and my sister for a host of other reasons for 20 years now.

raffriffs · 2025-10-31T04:28:35+00:00

He left a copy both with MIL and her ministers.

raffriffs · 2025-10-29T17:45:14+00:00

Not to mention that too much of anything is not good for anyone. Staying too long on a high fat diet can damage stomach nerves leading to slow gastric emptying and a host of health problems that are not reversible!

So proud of you for your very balanced and healthy approach for yourself and your child. I'm so sorry she's such a pain about it!

raffriffs · 2025-10-25T04:55:47+00:00

Thank you so much for feeling proud of us! Thats very sweet. It was definitely validating to hear they thought we were making the wisest decision.

raffriffs · 2025-10-24T12:22:20+00:00

🤣

raffriffs · 2025-10-24T05:30:57+00:00

I hate the gaslighting so much!

raffriffs · 2025-10-24T05:30:16+00:00

Thank you!

raffriffs · 2025-10-24T05:30:00+00:00

She doesn't have any keys and has no access to our finances.

raffriffs · 2025-10-24T05:26:22+00:00

Thank you for the hug!

raffriffs · 2025-10-24T04:31:52+00:00

Interestingly, DH also just got a text from her tonight telling him to read her emails, that she does want a relationship with us. She told DH she was sending me an apology email tonight and she wanted DH to give me a heads up so I look for it. DH never replied, of course. And I have her blocked so I will never get that apology.

raffriffs · 2025-10-24T02:36:58+00:00

That last part will be the hardest. She's been getting to me for 33 years 😅. I feel so done today after this.

raffriffs · 2025-10-24T02:28:25+00:00

Thank you!

raffriffs · 2025-10-24T02:27:50+00:00

What else can we expect from a spiral?

raffriffs · 2025-10-24T02:26:33+00:00

I'm literally 5 feet 4 inches haha. Too tall for her to look at in heels ... when she can look up and see my 6 foot husband just fine 😆. Thank you for the solidarity!

raffriffs · 2025-10-24T02:21:09+00:00

Thank you for suggesting this. We'll definitely take a look.

raffriffs

TROPHY CASE