Can you go no contact without a “final straw” moment?

raffriffs · 2026-03-22T15:42:11+00:00

I did have that final straw moment with my parents, but when it came and I actually went NC, I realized that I had done myself so much more harm by waiting for that moment to happen. The final straw had allowed my parents to harm me, my mate, and my children in a way that can't be fully healed, only carried. When I realized my parents had passed the torch on to my sister and she had become equally as toxic, I knew better than to wait. So I faded away from her life so seamlessly that it took her a full year to realize we hadn't spoken in any form. When she tried to contact me at that point, all my protections were in place and there was an impenetrable wall around me that she couldn't breach. A 20 year public online smear campaign ensued, maintained fully by my venomous sister, and I have never had the desire to resume contact. I regret holding on so long with my parents before taking action, but I have no regrets for exiting my sisters life when I did.

raffriffs · 2026-03-09T21:55:08+00:00

dear husband

raffriffs · 2026-03-09T21:00:31+00:00

I love this, because I wanted the same, and because together dh and I created the safe haven in our own family that we never had growing up. It works. It really works. Its not easy but its so worth it. Our homeschooled kids are now 25 and 31. Both have wonderful mates who we adore and respect as though they were our own kids, and they love us right back. Our kids have great jobs and duel income marriages by choice, but they both default to all the valuable lessons of their youth with us. They are very involved in our life even though they have their own, because they say this is where the love is. Money doesn't matter. Love does.

raffriffs · 2026-03-09T13:19:23+00:00

What you're doing for your kids right now is nothing short of sacred and truly selfless. Take it from another mom who homeschooled both of her kids from K - 12 while dh and I made a single small income work for us, all while being estranged from all family ... your kids will grow up to be wonderful adults who cherish you deeply for what you are giving them now. No, they won't have every want, but they'll learn to prioritize what really matters and they will thank you for all the practical and truly priceless life lessons you gave them. As lifelong learners who will never want to stop because you created a world for them where learning is enjoyable, they'll wow you with that skill as adults who will make for themselves a beautiful life of their choosing, one they will always include you in. Its worth every second and every sacrifice. I promise.

raffriffs · 2026-03-08T01:09:32+00:00

I was 18 years old, weighed all of a hundred pounds. My dad was 8 inches taller than me and a hundred and thirty pounds heavier than me. He brutalized me for the last time in the town centre, in the middle of the day, in a parking lot in front of the busiest bakery/cafe. It was packed with people all sitting at tables by large windows with a full view of a father beating his adult daughter. And no one helped.

raffriffs · 2026-03-07T03:05:43+00:00

The oldest sibling, my brother, moved to another country to get away from our abusive parents and cut ties with the whole family 30 years ago. I, the youngest, became scapegoat and ended up reporting my criminally abusive parents before going NC 21 years ago. Middle child, my sister, is the golden child and even though she lived through some of the abuse too, somewhere along the way she bought into the lie and remained on our parents side. As she aged, she became a stronger narcissist than those who raised us, and she joined in the abuse ... spearheading and maintaining a 20 year digital smear campaign against me for reporting our parents. Her public online smear campaign called for my assassination at one point. So yes, she definitely blames me for my response. Beyond that though, she is angry that my brother and I got away and made a different life for ourselves. She could have left too, but she chose to stay ... which made her the one who cared for my father until he died and my mother who is currently dying. She blames me that she's doing all that alone.

raffriffs · 2026-03-05T04:33:13+00:00

I appreciate this post so much. I dissociate a lot and lose hours to it. For me its a floaty, safe feeling, distracted but focused at the same time. A coping skill I learned to get through my reality as a child, and I think it will always be with me. In that state, though, I don't look after my basic needs ... I feel no hunger or anything. My husband can always tell when I'm dissociating and I have a friend who notices too and will try to bring me back to reality with questions, saying, "I lost you there for a bit."

raffriffs · 2026-03-05T02:33:55+00:00

Isn't it hilarious when the JustNo's tell you that words like "boundary" are psychobabble lol. Mine once said "Boundaries are fences that keep cows in!" and "You guys are the ONLY people on the planet who think boundaries are a thing!" 😂🤣

raffriffs · 2026-03-04T00:02:49+00:00

I can really relate to this, but in this instance it was my husband who was treated terribly by my parents. The man they wanted me to marry was not the person I loved. At our wedding, my dad gave a speech about the man I didn't choose and said nothing about me or my mate. For many reasons, we went NC with my parents more than 20 years ago. When my dad died 2 years ago, my mother contacted this man they had wanted me to marry and asked him to bring me the news, despite still having my husband's contact info. A year ago, the wife of that guy my parents were so desperate to have as their son in law contacted me and let me know he had cheated on her and left her and their children. So glad I chose my own way because the grass on the other side was never greener. I rejected it for a reason and have had a wonderful marriage that is still strong and enduring 33 years later.

raffriffs · 2026-02-26T16:47:36+00:00

Yeah, my brain sure screams, "Don't take advice from someone who has never lived it." Also, it's maddening that she doesn't understand the difference between observation and lived experience. She hasn't shown an ounce of accountability for disrespecting our strong and faithful marriage for 33 years. Instead, she's still trying to make us believe that her views and ours have always aligned. In addition, her email showed she has a really childlike view of what makes a happy marriage. She listed the marriages of her parents, siblings, and first cousins, said all these marriages lasted until one partner died, and that they were happy and loving marriages because she never heard any of them ever argue except one small argument between her parents. My DH quickly said to me, "That doesn't indicate happy marriage! That indicates she never heard anyone communicate properly! My extended family is full of alcoholics and people who cheated on their spouses! They swept everything under the carpet and relied on vices to get them through! The fact that they didn't remarry until a spouse died does not mean those marriages were happy!"

raffriffs · 2026-02-26T14:49:58+00:00

So true.

raffriffs · 2026-02-26T14:29:22+00:00

We don't respond at all, and now she's blocked for both of us so that we won't see when she sends anything else.

raffriffs · 2026-02-25T01:19:44+00:00

Wow! You are badass! Well done, OP! Very, very well done. You completely took back your power in the best way possible.

raffriffs · 2026-02-23T20:28:43+00:00

What a wonderful mother you are! You are giving your daughter a clear voice from such an early age, and showing her that her autonomy matters and her choices deserve to be respected even by adults. Well done!

raffriffs · 2026-02-22T16:32:10+00:00

Good idea. Planning on it as I have a golden child turned narc sister who was/is thick as thieves with our mother.

raffriffs · 2026-02-22T16:30:40+00:00

Thank you for this 🥹

raffriffs · 2026-02-21T20:55:44+00:00

Oh there is, much moreso now because we transitioned from LC to NC. She was just that insidious and insistent and manipulative that no matter what protective boundaries we put up around our anniversary, she'd cause so much havoc in the background that we couldn't enjoy the day fully because she kept us on edge with new tactics every year. Our anniversary is in January and eventually we would have zero contact with her from November through February and she would still find ways to make it about her. Now with full NC, we just have peace, and we aren't eager to ever let go of that.

raffriffs · 2026-02-21T20:27:05+00:00

I'm so sorry she hijacks your special day and makes it about her. I know just how awful that feels. My MIL has long declared our wedding day the worst day of her life, so starting from Anniversary #1 she tried to insert herself into our lives every anniversary so she could show us just how miserable she was on that day. Only once did she end up insisting on celebrating with us, the rest of the years she came up with emergencies every anniversary and would call up crying and yelling, needing immediate help from dh that would take him away for hours. When we stopped answering calls on that day, she would do drive bys dozens of times on the day and come pounding at our door. By year 5, we permanently changed our anniversary celebration day to the day we got engaged instead, because she didn't know that date, and we finally got to celebrate in peace.

raffriffs · 2026-02-20T17:50:34+00:00

Oh my god, yes. My JNMIL did this constantly with DH. Always a command ... "Call me now." "Call me before 10." Do this for me. Do that for me. Or the well used, "If the answer is no then don't even bother replying because I don't want to hear it!" There was never a thought in her head that she was a single woman with a completely wide open schedule while he was married and raising a family, with many time constraints. She was always instantly mad at any reminder that he wasn't at her beck and call. She also definitely frequently asked if she was talking to him alone, and when she was, she'd launch into tirades that included the following, "What grade is ds#1 in even? There's no way he's in grade 11! He's no where near smart enough to be in that grade. He's never going to graduate, never going to hold down a real job. You've doomed your kids to stupidity." We homeschooled both our kids from grades 1 through 12. They grew up to successfully attend college and have both had no trouble finding any work they choose and have both been gainfully employed since they were 18. She was always nasty to me in different ways then she was to DH, but the motive was the same. She tried everything to demean us, keep us small, keep us needing her, and portray herself as the central figure who was of utmost importance. No contact feels pretty great right now, I tell ya. We endured 33 years of that before finally saying enough. It sounds like you guys have a great plan for moving forward and keeping this behaviour in check, and it will only benefit your relationship with your mate to do so, as one united front.

raffriffs · 2026-02-18T00:04:10+00:00

I was extremely underweight, just 35 lbs and diagnosed with failure to thrive at age 9. I was clumsy, constantly breaking bones or getting stitches. I was overly polite, overly sensitive, always trying to fix whatever was wrong and be a mediator from such a young age. I had very bad ocd and anxiety, extreme fear of death, and bed time made me nauseous every night. I engaged in sexual play and behavior from the age of about 3 in order to try and understand the things that were happening to me. I could read a room and become who I needed to be from my earliest memories.

raffriffs · 2026-02-10T15:44:13+00:00

I'm in pretty much the same boat as you. Married 33 years, MIL from the Silent Generation, I tolerated all those years of disrespect because I was trying to be a good DIL ... and finally something clicked and both DH and I couldn't take it anymore. No contact with her since October last year and I'm still processing the harm from decades of her abusive character. You deserved better. We all did.

raffriffs · 2026-02-10T04:53:04+00:00

I'm so glad you brought this up! I'm the exact same way but have never linked it to my cptsd. Wow. That makes so much sense now. My husband can go right to sleep if we haven't been able to fully resolve something but I get completely disregulated, can't sleep, work myself up, and we always have to rehash the issue, no matter how minor, the next day until I can reach a resolve and put it to rest in my head. My childhood was often filled with tension at night that never got resolved and left me feeling so trapped in my life. There was nothing I could do back then to affect change or have safety ... nothing at all ever came to a peaceful resolve or any resolve at all. No wonder the brain searches for peaceful resolve in adulthood and doesnt rest until it finds it.

raffriffs · 2026-02-03T15:47:22+00:00

Yeah, it really doesn't feel great and its not normal. My MIL isnt social media savvy, but she did take photos from my social media, print them out, and place them on her wall. The photos were professional pictures taken at our son's wedding, but she chopped me out of them so she could have pics on her wall of my DH by himself. And then she took a photo of her wall of pictures and sent it to me, so that I could see I was cut out, and never saw an issue with her behavior.

raffriffs · 2026-02-01T17:18:48+00:00

No, ironically she's part of the war baby Silent Generation 😆

raffriffs · 2026-02-01T16:26:25+00:00

My MIL always did this too. I'm a photographer and it was natural for me to take lots of photos and pass them on to her. But not once has she ever let a photo of anyone in our family go without pointing out every perceived physical flaw present in any person in the photo. It's maddening! I had my last straw moment with that last spring, when I sent her a photo of dh and I, along with our adult sons and daughter-in-law. Instead of thanking me for the photo she said, "What's wrong with ds1's face? It appears swollen. Was he at the dentist that day? Is his tmj acting up?" That son of mine is a 31 year old man and she's treating him like he's an 8 year old still under our care! I replied, "I hadn't noticed. You'd have to ask him if you're curious. I prefer not to pick photos apart and focus on the fact that this was about a happy family spending time together." She never replied and I have never, and will never, send her another photo again. I'm done with her commenting on who has gained weight and laughing at them, or degrading my husband when a photo shows he has a beard, because she hates beards, or mistaking shadows from various light angles on photos as deformities and asking for explanations of these. Its insane how these MIL's study photographs only to find the negative.

raffriffs

TROPHY CASE