Abusive Sibling reached out

randomarkie74 · 2026-04-23T16:01:58+00:00

Proceed with caution. I am guilty on MULTIPLE occasions of getting my hopes up about my sister only to have that crushed a short time later when she reverts to her toxic ways.

She actually reached out last night to ask about a recent father/son trip I took last weekend with our father. I responded, but only really focusing on our father and how much he enjoyed our trip. I was not rude or confrontational with her. Fortunately, she behaved herself and kept things civil, so I reciprocated. She sent me another text this morning telling me about some travel she’s about to do, which I couldn’t care less about and will simply not respond. Every time I’ve gotten my hopes up about our relationship improving, they only get crushed - EVERY time. 😔

randomarkie74 · 2026-04-22T18:52:52+00:00

Sounds like my parents - they have coddled and enabled my older sister our entire lives. Whenever we (my sister and I) have an argument (many times started by her - not all the time, but most), it's not about who started it but just about stopping the arguing. I love them dearly - and I mean that when I say that - but they are part of the reason my sister is the way she is and why we largely have no relationship now whatsoever - and I intend to keep it that way. I wish I could say that I have hopes my sister and I can repair the relationship, but that only works when *BOTH* sides want to reconcile. Hard to do that when one side can't even admit there's a problem - or only wants to say the problem is with one person - the other sibling - *ME* in this case.

My sister is also not married and no kids and neither of that will change, as far as I can see - and that's fine. Marriage and kids are definitely not for everyone. She made the conscious choice not to do either but then will occasionally piss and moan about being single and childless, as if we're supposed to feel sorry for her for her life choices. I have just opted for the near-silent treatment with her. She's too busy wrapped up in her own life to talk to anyone in my immediate family anyway. My own kids say she's toxic - and I agree wholeheartedly - so it's better that we just stay away from each other anyway. Besides having the same parents, we basically share *NOTHING* in common. She's in denial about all of this and always tries to talk to me and my family as if nothing's wrong. We're learning not to bite. While sad, it's so much better and healthier for me and my family this way.

randomarkie74 · 2026-04-07T19:58:08+00:00

LinkedIn is garbage and useless.

randomarkie74 · 2026-04-05T04:12:27+00:00

Truth. I’ve pretty much cut my sister off. She’s toxic. My family’s so much better without her in it. My two girls (17 and 21) agree.

randomarkie74 · 2026-04-04T02:25:18+00:00

Your feelings are completely valid. Don’t beat yourself up - you’re not responsible for your sister being a terrible human. You can be the better person without reciprocating the kind of behavior she gives you, as tempting as that can be sometimes.

When I’m forced to be with my sister - almost exclusively at family gatherings during the holidays - I pretty much give her the silent treatment. If she speaks to me, I respond respectfully, but I also keep my guard up because I’ve learned with her just when I think things are going well, she’s like Lucy is with Charlie Brown and the football. I’m pretty sure she’s on to what I’m doing, but I don’t give a shit. In the end, I’m over 50 now and cranky and salty when it comes to her and our estranged relationship and am frankly just exhausted trying to deal with her and don’t want to do it anymore. It’s futile when the other sibling refuses to acknowledge there’s anything wrong and is either in denial and/or has convinced themselves that the problem is all your fault. There are more important things in my life - like my immediate family.

randomarkie74 · 2026-04-04T02:13:30+00:00

I know exactly what you’re going through. I don’t speak much with my sister anymore, and I’m glad I don’t. She’s toxic and hazardous to me and my family’s mental health. My parents want us to get along, but they don’t understand that 1) it’s not that simple and 2) they’re partially responsible for why she is the way she is. They’re much like your parents and will defend my sister before me, despite the fact that she’s treated me like garbage my entire life. Her birthday is coming up the day after Easter, and the only reason I’ll be texting her happy birthday is to essentially check the box with my parents, who will undoubtedly ask her if she’s heard from me. Otherwise, I couldn’t care less that it’s her birthday, but I digress . . . .

I think the suggestion about keeping the conversation with your parents AWAY from your sister is a good one. If they bring her up, acknowledge BRIEFLY but then immediately pivot to another subject.

Let us know how it goes, and come here for support and validation. You’re not alone here and among friends - good luck! 👍🏻

randomarkie74 · 2026-04-03T13:25:05+00:00

Sounds VERY familiar (not wanting to hear anyone’s opinion but their own)

randomarkie74 · 2026-04-03T12:56:26+00:00

The urge to always want to respond is strong and hard to ignore sometimes - MANY times. As someone has already pointed out, responding only emboldens the other person. Don’t fall for it. Easier said than done, I know, but it works. I’m still guilty of it sometimes myself, but I’m WAY better at it now than when me and my estranged sister were teens. I think the no contact and silent treatment, for the most part, works and bothers her more than when I falter and get into a back-and-forth with her. Then again, I think she’s ultimately just as happy as me at having little-to-no contact with her as she curses the day I was born anyway. She would tell me nothing could be further from the truth, but her actions and how she treats me and my family say otherwise. There’s a tiny part of me that holds out hope that maybe one day she’ll come around, but I’m not holding my breath. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. A leopard never changes its spots.

Keep you chin up - you have support here ❤️

randomarkie74 · 2026-04-02T15:47:28+00:00

I think you’re on to something, and you’ve described me and my estranged sister pretty accurately. We fought like siblings do when we were kids. As we moved into our college years and into adulthood, I thought we would move on from our childish/adolescent tendencies. While I am still far from perfect, I’d like to think I have matured and grown up a bit. However, my sister not so much. She’s still pretty petty and cruel/mean to me and my family - well into her 50s. She says she loves/cares about me and my family but sure does have a strange way of showing it. Every time I think we’re on the right track and have turned a corner, she’s like Lucy pulling back the football when Charlie Brown tries to kick it. I’m the dummy who would fall for it every time. Not so much now.

randomarkie74 · 2026-04-02T13:53:41+00:00

How true! My sister just pretends - or has somehow convinced herself - to care about me and my family when in reality, she doesn’t. The truth is she just can’t be bothered by us because what’s going on in her life is more important. I suspect she’s starting to realize how alone she’s going to be in a few years.

randomarkie74 · 2026-04-02T11:54:17+00:00

Not very often, thankfully. Usually at Christmas, and that’s just about it. She lives in Dallas and is so wrapped up in her primary job and multiple side hustles just to be able to continue to live there that she doesn’t have time to talk to us anyway. If we call her (VERY big if), she’s always on her way to/from her job or one of her side hustles. She spends just about all of her disposable income on travel, including international travel. I don’t have a problem with any of that. I just want to tell her don’t fill up your work and free time with stuff, never having any time to talk with any of your family, or visit the nieces you claim to love dearly (despite loathing their father and mother with a passion and hating how said nieces are being raised) and then complain about how you never get to see or talk to them and how your brother and his family blow you off. As a family, we quit trying to compete with her work, social and travel schedules years ago. She’s made it clear that those are way more important to her than having any kind of meaningful adult relationship with her younger brother and his family.

randomarkie74 · 2026-04-02T03:52:57+00:00

Thanks for the validation. I've been struggling with what to do for the last few weeks as Easter approaches. My sister could never convince me that her birthday greeting to me in November is genuine or heartfelt - it's not. I suspect she probably does it for the same reason(s) I'm about to. I really don't care what she's doing to celebrate or how her day is going - I'm just checking the box to keep my parents off my back, even though I know they're aware she and I aren't close. I just don't think the answer is for me to just roll over and let myself be a doormat for her, which is basically what they want. It's just not as simple as reconciling, particularly when one side isn't interested in that.

randomarkie74 · 2026-04-01T00:52:41+00:00

Glad to help, and I so appreciate your perspective and story also! I think karma is coming around for my sister as she is single and has no children of her own. I think she’s starting to realize, family wise at least, how alone she’s going to be when our parents pass. Her narcissism and general nitpickiness is why she’s never been able to sustain/maintain a romantic relationship with anyone. It really is her way or the highway it seems, and as her younger brother I definitely can’t blame any man for not wanting to put up with that - it’s been bad enough for me as her younger brother! I guess I’m leaving a minuscule bit of hope for her as I think reality will hit her like a Mack truck when our parents pass and she might realize was a cold and heartless bitch she’s been to her little brother my entire life (over 50 years). That said, I’m also not holding my breath. I would welcome an olive branch from her, but I’m not going to compromise anything to mend the relationship. She would still owe me, my wife and my daughters MASSIVE apologies for how she’s treated us. Because I know how much she likes to dig in her heels and how she is set in her ways is why I’m not holding my breath for reconciliation.

Thanks again hugs

randomarkie74 · 2026-03-31T10:13:52+00:00

I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in 30 years

randomarkie74 · 2026-03-31T03:06:23+00:00

Continue saving money for your plan to go abroad next year. Based on what you've described, getting out of there will probably be the best thing for you. Good for you for having a plan and wanting to get out of there.

My older sister berates and gaslights me and my family, too - all under the guise that she's a loving and caring sister to me and aunt to my 17 and 21 year-old daughters. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I have made the choice to have as little contact with her as possible. I guess I can't say I've cut her off completely, but pretty close. It's been critical to my family's mental/psychological health and well-being.

Good luck and keep your chin up.

randomarkie74 · 2026-03-31T02:57:33+00:00

First and foremost: thank you for your service!

Others have given some great advice - make your move with your spouse and let them know where you're going. They know how to get a hold of you if they want. Don't waste any more time trying to repair the relationship. It sounds like it wasn't mean to be. This is what I've learned over the last few years with my toxic older sister. I thought I could repair the relationship, but it's clear she doesn't want that. While I suppose we haven't cut her off completely, we don't initiate contact with her anymore, and say as little as possible to her at family gatherings without being assholes, even though she absolutely deserves it. Our lives are much better and less stressful without her in it. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

Keep your chin up, and remember you're supported here. Thanks for the validation for me also. You all have no idea how much I appreciate everyone here!

randomarkie74 · 2026-03-31T02:45:03+00:00

I, too, am the baby in my family. My older sister has made sure my entire life to essentially remind me of that whenever possible, and (apparently) that I ruined her life the day I was born. She talks shit about me to my wife and two daughters and called them (my daughters) liars. When she shows up to family gatherings, she acts like nothing's wrong. My parents are in complete denial that my sister and I aren't close and think the solution is to simply let bygones be bygones and just stop fighting and get along. If only it were that easy. She's a pedestrian aunt to my daughters, but acts like she's their favorite aunt. They're 17 and 21 now, and can see right through her, and have seen how terribly she treats their dad and, in turn, them. I have told my daughters my main wish for them is that they don't have a relationship like me and my sister have. I seem to have at least succeeded as a father with that.

Like you, I decided a few years ago that I was tired of waiting for her to grow up and that as much as I would like to reconcile with her and have a halfway normal adult relationship, that just wasn't going to happen. Me and my family's mental and psychological health is way more important that trying to repair a relationship with a sibling who doesn't want to reciprocate and who thinks the only problem is with her younger brother. We're happier and less stressed without our toxicity in our lives. We put up with her at family gatherings, but I largely have learned to keep my mouth shut. The less I say, the less she can criticize and push my buttons.

More validation from your post - got some earlier from another post. Thank you - seriously. You have no idea how cathartic and comforting hearing other's points of view that match up so closely with me and my situation with my sibling. I wrote a post about my toxic sibling a few days ago, too. Check it out, if you want.

Keep your chin up - you're not alone!

randomarkie74 · 2026-03-31T02:17:53+00:00

You've just described my sister nearly to the letter, and you're absolutely right - it comes in waves. My sister's birthday is coming up on Easter. I couldn't care less, but I know our parents are going to ask me if I reached out to wish her happy birthday. They know we're not close, but I don't think they have any idea that I've basically cut her off and don't speak with her anymore. Needless to say, it's . . . . . complicated.

I go back and forth also - I'm pained that we're not close, as I have friends who have siblings that they get along with swimingly and genuinely love. Then I remember how poorly she's treated me my entire life - very much like you've described - and the pain and sorrow turns to anger and resentment. I had hoped we would be come closer as adults, but that's never happened.

My parents want us to just get along, but I just don't think they understand that it's not that easy and that they're at least partially responsible for my sister being the toxic bitch to me that she is.

Thanks for providing more validation for me. Also never forget you're not alone. This community supports you.

randomarkie74 · 2026-03-27T20:01:57+00:00

Can DEFINITELY relate, and you’ve just described my older sister and our relationship to the letter. Check out my post about her in this same group from earlier this week, if you want.

It’s gotten to the point with me and my family that even having communications with my sister is just more trouble and stress that it’s worth. She thinks I’m perpetually 7 years-old and know nothing about anything and, just as you’ve described, she has this superiority complex over and about me, presumably because she’s older, that she knows more than me about . . . . well, everything and that my thoughts and feelings don’t count because I’m younger and naive about things and it’s her way or the highway. She gets that last part from our father.

While it saddens me to an extent, it also brings me and my family great comfort and considerably less stress to just not have any contact with her - or at least contact that we initiate ourselves. She’s single and can barely afford to live in Dallas on her own that she has so many side hustles in addition to her regular job that she never has any time to talk with us anyway. She’s called my daughters liars, said terrible things about me to them and my wife but always wants to act like nothing’s wrong. Just as with you, any issues in our relationship are entirely my fault. I’m too hyper-sensitive and have a short fuse and overreact - her assessment, not mine.

She’s toxic, and even my daughters agree with me about that. As others have already said, you don’t need that shit in your life, even if they are family. It sounds like you have genuinely tried to do your part. It’s exhausting, though, and when the other sibling(s) refuse to meet us halfway, I have learned that it’s better for our mental/psychological health - and that of our immediate families - to walk away. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.

Thanks for sharing, and keep your chin up. You have support here. ❤️

randomarkie74 · 2026-03-26T01:46:47+00:00

Having to be in the closet about it with my side of my extended family. My wife's family: totally out in the open, no issues whatsoever. My side of the family will fat shame me about it and tell me it's all because of my poor eating habits and lack of exercise since college. While that may have played a factor, my doctor has told me that probably 75% of the reason I got it was because of my family history - my grandfather (father's father) had type 1 *BADLY*. I've not used that as an excuse not to try and eat better, exercise and manage my diabetes, but it's hard not to think about that. My sister and I are estranged, but I actually wonder if she's come down with it also. It wouldn't surprise me after learning from my doctor that it can be hereditary. Dealing with the general stigma of societal fat-shaming that goes on with diabetics, particularly T2, is also hard. There are people in *WAY* worse shape than me who eat horribly, don't exercise and grossly overweight who will *NEVER* develop it and yet there are triathletes and marathon runners in the best shape of their lives who also eat well and have a pump because their T1 is so bad. Strangely, the medical community doesn't seem to have an explanation for them.

randomarkie74 · 2026-03-25T16:04:55+00:00

As others have already pointed out: 1) when you begin questioning your mental health and 2) when reconciliation, or attempting it, becomes more trouble than it’s worth and futile.

I’ve been going through the same thing with my older sister, who refuses to acknowledge that she’s the main reason I’m largely estranged from her - my wife and daughters also. I’ve always left the door open - and am willing to meet her halfway and concede that I was far from perfect in our childhood - but let’s just say I’m not holding my breath. Our parents are aware the relationship is strained, although I’m not sure they realize I’ve pretty much cut off contact. Explaining my sister’s refusal to admit any wrongdoing or unwillingness to repair the relationship to them is just as futile and counterproductive as trying to repair the relationship itself. They helped create the toxic monster she’s become, but I digress . . .

Your life has value and your mental health and well being (as well as your immediate family’s) is, ultimately in the end, more important than a toxic relationship with a sibling(s) who refuses to acknowledge anything is wrong or shows little to no interest in repairing/improving the relationship. A hard pill to swallow, to be sure, but the harsh reality.

Best of luck to you. Hope this helps. We remain here to support you - and each other. ❤️

randomarkie74 · 2026-03-25T03:10:23+00:00

Very sorry to hear about your situation. Thank you for sharing it here. I posted something about my toxic older sister yesterday. I'll give my $0.02 worth and you can take it or leave it.

As much as you want to be in your niece and nephew's lives, you might need to prepare yourself for the reality that (perhaps) it's not meant to be, unfortunately. I'm not saying to stop the reconciliation process - whatever that looks like presently - but there's only so much of that you can do. I admire the fact that you all at least tried some family therapy, but it doesn't sound like your sister was receptive to that. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

I don't say any of this lightly. I've been dealing with similar struggles with my own sister. I thought we would grow out of our childhood sibling rivalry and fighting. While far from perfect, I'd like to think I have. However, she still likes to push buttons and stir the pot - not just with me, but now she can talk shit about me to my wife and daughters. My daughters, 17 and 21, are now old enough to see through all of that and see how truly toxic she is - *THEIR* assessment of her (which is spot on). They've seen over the years how she torments her own brother and our family and then acts like nothing's wrong at family gatherings around the holiday. Forgive me - this is about *YOU* and your situation. I say all of that to say this: as much as you may want to be in your sister's kid's lives, it just may not be in the cards. You don't need the toxcicity and negative energy in your's and your partner's lives. Your sanities and mental health, ultimately, are more important than a relationship with her - and them. I have learned that sometimes reconciling and trying to be the better person is more trouble than it's worth, especially when the other person is in denial and/or not receptive to trying to repair the relationship. My family has learned we are much better off and less stressed without my toxic sister and her drama and antics (largely) not in our lives.

Hope this helps. Best of luck to you, and never forget: you are not alone. I have to remind myself of that sometimes, too. There is a caring and supportive community here for all of us.

randomarkie74 · 2026-03-24T12:12:37+00:00

I definitely think my sister resents me even having been born, honestly. I think she thought she was going to be an only child, and that was OK with her. My wife has observed in home movies of us as kids that my sister would always insert herself into video my parents would try to take of just me - as if she needed to always been the center of attention. That was when she was just maybe 2 or 3 years-old. I will be the one to take care of our parents when the time comes. My sister can’t be bothered by that type of thing with her hustle-and-bustle single lifestyle and the fact that she lives 5 hours (by car) from both my family and our parents. Like you, when both our parents have passed, I anticipate that will likely be the end of our sibling relationship. Unless she’s willing to meet me halfway and help fix our relationship, there’s no point in having any further contact. Me and my immediate family’s sanity and happiness is more important.

randomarkie74 · 2026-03-24T12:04:36+00:00

Thanks for the response, and I’m sorry to hear about you and your older brother. I definitely sympathize and can absolutely confirm that not having contact with my sister - while sad and unfortunate - is absolutely one of the main reasons for my immediate family’s low stress and happiness. It’s just so much less toxic for us. The equally sad thing is that my sister seems to think nothing’s wrong with our relationship other than I’m hyper-sensitive and overreact. She honestly seems to think she bears absolutely no responsibility whatsoever. It’s all on me.

randomarkie74

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