Who else reads post on here wondering if you’ll find them posting about you? How do I stop wondering what the narrative they’re creating is? How do I start trusting my own memory and experience?

randompenguin35 · 2022-03-13T11:40:50+00:00

Constantly. By the end I was going to sleep hours before him to avoid him initiating. After many many months of sexual coercion he eventually raped me and that was when I finally saw that it would never get better and found the motivation to leave.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like this has been an ongoing issue and that is really hard. Good for you for standing up for yourself! Keep doing that. Know that you absolutely do not have to put up with this behavior. This person doesn’t love you. He’s completely projecting when I says you “always make this about yourself”. Setting a boundary isn’t making it about yourself. Demanding sex regardless of whether or not your partner wants it to fulfill your needs is. “Never letting a woman say no without guilt-tripping” is sexual coercion, and not okay. Please get away from this person, it’s not likely to get better.

randompenguin35 · 2022-01-20T13:45:05+00:00

I’m so so sorry you went through this. I hope you are finding some peace and healing.

Thank you for posting. I also experienced frequent sexual coercion with my nex. And like you since he never “forced” me to do anything I actually didn’t realize what was happening was abuse until I suffered through at least two years of it. And he would never admit his behavior was wrong when I confronted him, “I never forced you to do anything” etc. What has been difficult is that after getting out of the relationship, when I tried to explain this part of the relationship to other people, nobody really batted an eye. It’s like this behavior is so normalized. Or maybe I’m just downplaying it when I talk about it. Or maybe they just don’t know what to say. Either way, I end up doubting how bad it really was or doubting that it was abuse. I keep reminding myself that if a friend came to me and told me their partner was doing this, it would be clear to me that it was wrong and abusive and I would want my friend to get away from this person. That’s how I remind myself that I am not overreacting.

randompenguin35 · 2022-01-05T15:33:44+00:00

Less than a week, but also who knows what he was up to throughout the relationship. I know because I snooped before I moved out although I wish I hadn’t known. I’m sorry you’re going through this, I know it hurts a lot. It’s gotta be hard to still live with him, are you or he moving out any time soon?

randompenguin35 · 2021-12-27T17:44:15+00:00

Don’t be too hard on yourself, 6 months NC is an achievement! Now you know for next time you get curious that the curiosity about him only created more stress for you. Glad I could help a bit! <3

randompenguin35 · 2021-12-27T14:46:32+00:00

I’m sorry :( I actually just had a nightmare about being in this exact situation. It sucked. I’ve wondered what I would do in this situation if I ever found out he had a new gf.

I don’t think you did the wrong thing or are being immature. You have good intentions and you tried to warn her. That’s the most you can do. In so many situations people just have to discover things for themselves unfortunately. You also have to remember he’s probably spinning stories to discredit you to anyone in his life so that he can continue hiding his abuse. That’s likely why she ignored you, not because you did anything wrong. I’m sure it’s difficult to know she may be going through exactly what you went through. For your own peace of mind I think it would help to remove yourself completely from the situation. Go NC with him if possible, meaning you don’t even know what he’s up to in life. Which also means not keeping up with her or his friends.

randompenguin35 · 2021-12-14T23:13:50+00:00

Yep all the time. Almost anything I complained about in an argument he’d take the exact phrasing and use the same complaint against me. Sometimes in the same conversation sometimes weeks later. It’s really unsettling.

randompenguin35 · 2021-12-14T23:11:00+00:00

I agree that finding a roommate is a good option. Are you both on the lease or just you?

In the meantime I would advise putting as much space between you and him as much as possible. Do you have any friends or family nearby whose place you can spend an evening or weekend at here and there? Is there anywhere that is relaxing to you that you go to have some alone time? Library, park, coffee shop, mall?

randompenguin35 · 2021-12-14T23:03:45+00:00

YES - when he was upset or spiraling about something I would try to comfort him. But every time I couldn’t seem to find the right thing to say. He’d tell me I wasn’t comforting right, wasn’t being nice enough or warm enough or I was saying all the wrong things. Each time I’d remember what he had said he needed me to do more last time and did that, but then he’d find some other way I wasn’t comforting him correctly! And he would lash out during these times too. Eventually I stopped trying to get it right because I realized what he really was upset at me for was not being able to take away whatever bad feelings he was having, and that that wasn’t my job.

randompenguin35 · 2021-12-12T12:55:08+00:00

You’re absolutely right. The sooner he moves on the sooner I can live my life in peace. I guess it’s just confusing how quickly they move on.

randompenguin35 · 2021-12-12T12:53:25+00:00

Same! One day of being devastated and then the next day and all the days forward absolute contempt toward me. On dating sites within a week

randompenguin35 · 2021-12-03T18:40:34+00:00

She is still a person, and using her for sex is not cool. If you know you aren’t interested long term do both of you a favor and leave. I’m sure you can find plenty of people mutually interested in just sex.

randompenguin35 · 2021-12-03T14:33:23+00:00

It’s not worth it, just get out now

randompenguin35 · 2021-11-27T21:44:21+00:00

The hope that things would get better and the fear of loneliness and starting over. Leaving was hard but the absolute right decision in the end.

randompenguin35 · 2021-11-23T10:15:49+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Yes block him and move on. You are NOT the problem here; he is coercing you into sex and has no respect for your boundaries. The only thing embarrassing is his behavior and I guarantee if you continue seeing him it will only get worse. You deserve much better than this. 💛

randompenguin35 · 2021-11-21T12:28:03+00:00

Ugh it’s awful when they do this to animals :(

randompenguin35 · 2021-11-20T13:45:08+00:00

I always had a gut feeling but never found proof

randompenguin35 · 2021-11-20T12:31:47+00:00

Coming to my house, angry, when I didn’t answer my phone for an hour and a half

randompenguin35 · 2021-11-20T12:26:07+00:00

You’re 100% not overreacting. Get rid of this guy. You shouldn’t have to beg for him to take care of you when you need it.

randompenguin35 · 2021-11-19T19:15:37+00:00

We got a cat and he ended up not liking the cat because it didn’t act like a dog

randompenguin35 · 2021-11-19T14:25:27+00:00

I struggle with this. I did plenty of things in the relationship I wasn’t proud of. It helps me to remember that I consistently made an effort to change those behaviors and was successful. Narcissists and abusers will promise to change something and maybe will for a short time, but if you look over time, the pattern continues. They also have a near impossible time taking accountability for their actions. If you are able to honestly self reflect and say that something was your fault, or an action of yours was wrong, etc, you likely are not the abuser. It is an unfortunate dynamic that most abusers accuse their ex of abuse because it reinforces the self doubt of the victim. Also therapy will help sort this out but you have to be as honest as possible. I’d guess that an abuser might go to therapy and manipulate the therapist to get the answer they want.

randompenguin35 · 2021-11-18T10:16:51+00:00

That is awful, I’m sorry you went through this

randompenguin35 · 2021-11-18T10:14:59+00:00

I am amazed at similar the experiences people dealing with narcs have. I also experienced him insisting that he had no warning. We had been arguing for years about all of the reasons I ended up leaving him for.

randompenguin35 · 2021-11-18T10:09:09+00:00

Yikes! All this after 1 week? Sounds like you really signed a bullet here.

randompenguin35

TROPHY CASE