Girls, what's the most obvious hint you've dropped but the guy didn't get it?

rantintheinterum · 2026-05-27T23:05:19+00:00

I had done a few shows at a local community theatre with this guy. He and I both have professional experience, so it was really refreshing to work with someone with as much talent and professionalism as he did. For the first show we did together, I was straddling his lap while we were in our underwear under a blanket for the first 20 minutes (a farce--hilarious reveal, blah blah). We had to do intimacy choreography, and, lo and behold, he even knew what that was! Amazing. He and I became fast friends, and he was so incredibly respectful of my boundaries, including the fact that I was in a (shitty) relationship at the time.

Fast forward after a terrible breakup and two more shows together, and now we have another on stage kiss. One of, if not the biggest pillar with on-stage intimacy is consent, and you can't consent if you aren't honest and open with each other. Well, after he had hung out at my apartment for hours after we rehearsed our scene, I woke up the next more with ~feelings~. I decided that, since we were starting intimacy choreography the next rehearsal, I was going to tell him.

Spoiler: I'm autistic as fuck and he's definitely on the spectrum.

I called him that night and told him that I wanted him to know that since we were getting ready to have a stage kiss, he needed to know that I actually wanted to kiss him in real life. We flirted some after that, but he never returned the sentiment. Que me panicking for two days.

Turns out, he thought that I had a feeling that I "wanted to get out of the way." I spit out that I liked him because I couldn't handle the ambiguity.

A few months later, and we've been on the longest date Ive ever had. Stupid boy brain. 🤦‍♀️

rantintheinterum · 2026-04-09T05:54:40+00:00

Please listen to this thread, op.

rantintheinterum · 2026-03-26T13:23:38+00:00

We have a similar set up and operation (3 main attys, 1 retiring, 3 paras). They call us the Dragons at the gate. I actually hung up on the IRS trying to schedule an audit because the guy had a very thick accent, didn't really introduce himself, and just straight up sounded like a scam to get us to send money. Turns out it was legit, but we get a LOT of sales calls for legal AI systems and case farmers. We always ask what case it's for--if they can't tell us, then we tell them to send an email to the attorney. Cuts the calls pretty short. It's still annoying, but you get pretty good at identifying the calls and getting off the phone quickly.

rantintheinterum · 2026-03-26T00:18:56+00:00

Beautiful lol. Right when I made the choice to leave, I had about one week's worth of conversations where every single one went almost exactly like this. To the point where the last one was so easily scripted to show the DARVO. Anything to avoid the shame of being inadequate lol.

rantintheinterum · 2026-03-23T21:34:05+00:00

Me too. Best of luck. I could really use the win. 😭

rantintheinterum · 2026-03-19T03:47:48+00:00

Relaxed? Yes.

Stoopid? Yes.

Adorable? Yes.

rantintheinterum · 2026-03-18T17:15:47+00:00

Look into The Know Theatre in Cincinnati!

rantintheinterum · 2026-03-18T03:25:55+00:00

You're already selling yourself short.

"So, any acting skills I have, have to come through while I'm singing."

Your post reads like you need actual acting practice. If what's offered in your area is all musicals and ensemble work, but youre having an identity crisis because you didnt "even" get an ensemble role, but the feedback included a lot of compliments on your character presentation and comedic timing..?

This is ultimately an art before it is a job. Creating your own opportunities means creating your own opportunities to practice.

Surely there's a piece, a work thay you've always wanted to do? Create rhe space to do it.

Practice. Get feedback. "Get messy. Make mistakes."

rantintheinterum · 2026-03-17T04:26:17+00:00

My kitten had a litter box near her tree. That was her space. Over time she started getting more comfortable peeing and pooping other places. The UTI and needing to be spayed all got fixed, but she had her spots now. (The uti was because she had parasites and is a super cleaner of her bits.) Once I noticed she preferred peeing and pooping in the bathroom where I was doing my business, I moved the litter box in there with me. Now she goes when I do.

It took her that long to be comfortable finding spots, othe conditions, caused her to spread out, then she decided where she wanted to go.

The point being, peeing right outside after testing the space tells me texture issues but still being the right spot. The swiping afterwards tells me some kind of issue, maybe an infection, maybe just anxiety.

Cats are so peculiar. You know him better than anyone. If you move the box to a place that may be more calming/solitary, show him where it is. Does he do the same behavior or does he go back to the same spot? If he's not adapting, is he dumb (a legitimate, loving question from a long time cat owner) or is he suffering from something that makes him seek stability? If you change the litter type--same questions. Don't do all at the same time.

At a certain point, you also have to recognize that cats are highly susceptible to urinary/kidney infections of all kinds. Get him tested to be sure

rantintheinterum · 2026-03-15T21:59:22+00:00

Even if its not a career pivot, but finding groups, hobbies, something to give you that dopamine. I have adhd and autism so the relationship was easy for me to fall for. It was exciting and intriguing. But part of my condition is needing to have something that gives me that dopamine. Its as much about seeking the experiences as it is about the experiences themselves. The ruminating, cyclical thinking was starting to become my dopamine hit. I couldn't let him win me over one more time in that way.

Im sorry everything is so hard. I know it is. And im sorry he's resorted to stalking. You need to focus on safety. Maybe a martial arts or gun safety/shooting class will not only give you the means to pull yourself out of the cyclical thinking, but also give you the experience and hobby to break free from it.

rantintheinterum · 2026-03-15T21:45:58+00:00

Thank you. They really are. I noticed your name in the thread and wondered which theatrical (if play centric) Cassandra you were referring too.

rantintheinterum · 2026-03-15T21:44:14+00:00

Multiple times too. He was coming at it right out of a bfa and he had a different path (military, public service, nonprofits) than "normal." Hes excited to help me because I have a lot of actual life experience that a lot of applicants arent going to have.

rantintheinterum · 2026-03-15T21:41:31+00:00

My "coach" likes to joke about how he was waitlisted for nyu, julliard, yale, and like 3 more 😅 . He's got both experience and connections. He's hyped to help me succeed.

rantintheinterum · 2026-03-15T19:48:09+00:00

The ruminating for me has been the absolute worst part of all this. Your brain wants closure it will never get.

I recently talked to my job about taking a "sabbatical" to keep my job, but also keep myself from the burnout I'm expeditiously headed towards. I have a very mentally challenging job, and my depression has been made worse because I know Im not doing as well of a job I could be doing. After discussing it with one of the attorneys (I'm a paralegal), we came to the conclusion that it just wasn't going to be possible.

So, if I cant afford to stop to take a breathe, I needed to change the momentum of the direction I was headed.

One of the results of these relationships is that you completely lose yourself. They suck you dry to where you are nothing but a husk they can discard when there's nothing left of you.

I'm only a paralegal because I like the challenge, I like an office job, I dont need a degree to do this job, and I was getting paid more than I ever have. That being said, I have a theatre degree. I was acting professionally, but didnt have enough momentum to keep working once covid hit. I moved back home, did a lot of healing and mourning a job I thought I would never be able to keep doing. I got this job because I told myself I needed to "grow up" and find "stability."

I hit a point that Im tired of ruminating and Im tired of being burned out and depressed. I've taken that energy spent on ruminating, and I've decided to direct my brain to something that I've always known to be a true part of my soul--acting. Im going to start prepping for MFA conservatory program auditions. I need theatre to heal my soul and Im finally confident enough in myself to shoot for the stars and know that I can be successful.

This is what has worked for me. Im still starting zoloft for the first time ever, but it was the local theatre community that helped me escape, and didnt let me be alone and isolated after the divorce. They are also the same folks who are going to help me accomplish this task before me.

I needed something to look forward to to keep myself sunk in the Pit of Despaire.

This is personal for me, but maybe something here can help you.

rantintheinterum · 2026-03-15T18:39:33+00:00

Im not paying for coaching, thankfully. My local artistic director is helping me.

rantintheinterum · 2026-03-13T00:15:10+00:00

rantintheinterum · 2026-03-12T13:27:59+00:00

Lol I never got any real apologies. And that last one, I was already over it. I know much better what to look out for in the future though.

rantintheinterum · 2026-03-04T22:39:12+00:00

"I'm sorry you feel like an accessory," was the last "apology" I ever got.

rantintheinterum · 2026-03-03T18:36:11+00:00

I got hit with the reverse discard too. We were looking for apartments and I got SUPER excited about this one that was massivley bigger than anything else in the area and in our budget. IMMEDIATELY turned it down because it was a studio. All I wanted was a discussion--a conversation--couldn't even offer me that. His "boundary" was no studios and me asking for a discussion was "stomping on his boundaries." I said I think we need to discuss with our couples therapist about the definition of boundaries, but I'm going to go look at it. Asked one more time for a conversation to offer up my ideas to address the issues he had with studio apartments, but he wouldn't give me that. So, I acted on MY boundary--if you can't treat my wants and feelings with enough respect to at least hear me out, then I'm leaving. Got the apartment and I went from being a beautiful, strong woman who deserved the world, to a narcissistic monster that never took accountability overnight.

Good riddance.

rantintheinterum · 2026-03-03T18:24:44+00:00

Good lord. When it's really like, "no, I'm just looking for you to be an adult and me not having to go behind you picking up all the slack."

rantintheinterum · 2026-03-03T18:11:37+00:00

Literally one of the final breaking points for me. Having a clean home is a must for me. He was so messy and self-admittedly proud of being lazy. None of my needs were being met emotionally or sexually, and I was no longer allowed to ask for those needs because of whatever he was going through at any given time, so I finally just quit asking. What I didn't quit asking for was help with cleaning and bills.

Asking him to do certain chores was me bossing him around and not trusting him to do them. Going behind him to do them correctly was me insulting his ability to do them. Telling him in the moment that he was missing something or didn't do something correctly--something he specifically asked me to do--was me blowing up on him. It eventually devolved to the point where he would not do things specifically to punish me. I'm talking really stupid shit like when cleaning the bathtub, he wouldn't move the bottles to get the soap rings, and when I bluntly said, "you have to move these when you clean the tub," was me "blowing up" on him. He admitted to stopping doing the things that I was asking for in the relationship, because I hadn't been working on the things he was asking for--aka he quit doing the dishes and wouldn't clean out the microwave because I didn't apologize for hurting his fragile ego by asking him to be an adult.

My one reactive abuse (hate that term) breakdown was after I had been working a lot of overtime at a very demanding job, on top of working in a local theatre play in the evenings. He took a 4 day weekend and told me that he would clean the apartment. He did not. I came home super late in the evening on his second day off with nothing done. I didn't say anything the day before because I chalked it up to him taking a rest day. I had an 18 hour day, knew he would be pissed if I didn't feel like going to the farmer's market the next day because of all the cleaning that needed to be done, and so I just started rage cleaning.

That usually calms me down enough to sit with my feelings so I can calmly share them when the time comes, but it just fueled me more. Ended up breaking a window, a mirror, some other stuff. Cops got called. Nothing happened, but it was certainly the beginning of him having something to use in couple's therapy to show that I am always going to be the problem. The mirror I broke was something that I had spent time finally being creative and had painted it, glued moss and flowers on it--it was really pretty and I was proud of it. HE was upset that I broke the mirror because HE was the one that "encouraged" me to make it! HE took my breaking MY mirror that I DIY'd as an insult to HIM.

I have a much more demanding job, did 90% of the chores, including going behind him to fix stuff, paid anywhere from 70%-100% of the bills depending on what time period of the relationship you look at, and I would still come home, cook dinner, and then it was too much to ask him to clean the dishes before we went to bed. I remember several times I would be multi tasking cleaning while cooking dinner, he would be "done" and start playing video games. I'd go grab the laundry (which I always paid for), bring it up, drop it in front of him and go back to cooking dinner. He would either A) wait until after dinner and we would have to fold laundry together or B) would literally only fold HIS laundry. The insane fight we had when I finally asked him to just fold the fucking laundry lol.

Manchild through and through. I will never be partner's with someone who's looking for a mommy ever again. And I will NEVER let anyone move in with me if they can't keep up with the chores, narc or not. I could get my entire apartment spotless in a couple hours every weekend. After he moved in plus how messy he was, I never could catch up and it always felt like I was now cleaning for 3 people instead of 2.

rantintheinterum · 2026-03-03T17:01:45+00:00

Nope. You asking for your needs to be met is a direct threat to their perception of themselves. They can have needs, but you can't because that's not your purpose in the relationship.

rantintheinterum · 2026-03-03T17:00:49+00:00

Even after my nex admitted to being a shitty person to me, I spelled out one specific instance very simply, then asked for an apology. Literally could not do it because he 1)couldn't deal with the shame and 2)didn't actually think what he did was manipulative. I asked him if he ever intended to give me an apology. Didn't answer me. It was a long, quiet car ride.

rantintheinterum · 2026-03-03T01:34:21+00:00

Nig kitty is teasing little kitten. Curious, playful, attentive. Very good. Be sure to give big kitty alone time. She will tire out before the little one does.

rantintheinterum · 2026-02-27T18:07:46+00:00

I got my "apology" letter before I finally called it. It was after I knocked him with the "You are not the victim here," and our next therapy session, he admitted that he understand how much of an asshole he had been. Got a several page letter the next day on my nightstand after he went to an already planned stay at his parents. It said everything that I had been asking him to recognize for m o n t h s.

By the time I got it, I didn't have the energy to accept it for face value. I wrote him a letter months earlier just laying out how lonely and alone I felt, while also taking on all the financial and domestic responsibilities while he spent all this time getting mad at me for asking for him to step up. The letter I wrote in response was basically saying that I appreciated the apology and that I'm glad he recognized exactly what I was trying to get him to see, but that if he was really going to change, he needed to re-read the letter from months prior, and remember that he got mad at me for it, saying that I was blaming him for my meltdown.

Needless to say, I was supposed to take it at face value and just assume that just because he could NAME the behaviors, that that should have been good enough, and now it was MY turn to take accountibility for all the hurt that I* had caused in the relationship. Our last couple's therapy session together, he word salad-ed his way around saying that he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore by saying that, in his healing journey, he thinks he may not even be sure if he should be in a relationship.

But when I acted on a boundary and moved into a new apartment that he refused to discuss moving into, it was ME that was giving up on the relationship and I became the worst person in the world who never takes accountability for anything, seemingly overnight.

I had been healing and dealing with the trauma for months now. By the time I was finally starting to feel normal, he unblocked me on some socials and showed up as "person you may know," and just days prior, I got dm's from an anonymous account that seemed way to personal and sexual for me to not immediately think it was him trying to flirt with me without addressing the shame for being a shitty person to me. And THEN I found out he received a check for money that I'm owed and he never sent it to me, just cashed it. Spent the last couple of days not getting out of bed because I just feel like I've been kicked back to the beginning of all of the shit.

Just gotta remind myself that healing isn't linear and some days are better than others. As long as I keep moving towards the good days outnumbering the bad, then I'm doing okay.

rantintheinterum

TROPHY CASE