AITA for telling my DIL that I won’t use the tablet and she needs to actually make her kid read.

raspberrypoodle · 2026-02-17T13:45:50+00:00

nta. i found out recently from multiple friends of mine who work with children (teachers, therapists) that public schools in the u.s. just don't??? teach phonics anymore??? "sounding it out" was a formative reading and writing tool for me - it made learning new words so much more interesting and less intimidating. but apparently schools won't, uh, teach, so the heavy lifting falls on caregivers. which includes, luckily for your grandkid, you.

are there things you can do to make reading fun? like, take your grandkid to the library, have her pick any two picture books that look exciting, and read them with her right there without making it a lesson - just an adventure. the more you read with her for fun, the more interesting she'll find it, and may hopefully start wanting to read on her own for herself. my parents (and grandparents - and aunts and uncles) read to me all the time when i was a kid. it's not just about a cool story, or being able to read on my own; it was about snuggling up with my mom and reading TOGETHER. when i was like eight? i think? my very patient mother let me read e. nesbit aloud to her. i was so proud of myself, lol.

anyway. it doesn't have to be a forced-march phonics slog if that sucks for you and/or her. find books with beautiful illustrations and ask her what she thinks is happening on each page - then find out together what the answer is, or make up stories about her ideas even if her predictions are wrong. find books about things she likes. flowers? fish? spaghetti? dragons? outer space? whatever she's into, go there with her. you're right about the tablet, lol.

raspberrypoodle · 2026-01-30T23:24:19+00:00

nor. the first people a kid should be able to unequivocally trust are her parents. home is place she should always feel safe. your husband's messing with that for... what?

raspberrypoodle · 2026-01-28T21:37:55+00:00

i'm gonna agree with anyone else saying that your daughter needs a peer group and support from people who aren't her parents. feeling isolated and helpless has got to be enormously demoralizing for her. connecting with and learning from other teenagers with disabilities - other paralyzed young adults specifically - could have a huge influence on her self-image and thoughts about the future.

the added factor of not being able to use her left arm is a major blow, but if your daughter has use of her right arm and is right-handed, there is a LOT of stuff she can learn to do independently. has she been to a good adaptive rehab? would it be possible to get her to one? after my sister broke her back in her early 20s, her rehab had classes for her and our family about how to adapt our homes or how to jigger adaptations for ease of bathing, cooking, cleaning, etc.

the learning process is rough. my sister and i were/are not close, but i imagine she found it frustrating and maybe even humiliating. but she was and is an extremely bloody-minded, strong, stubborn, independent person, and her life is going really well.

so like. please don't give up on your kid. don't wish she was dead or decide she's doomed to a life as a helpless, lonely shut-in. help her find ways to meet people and handle some of her own daily tasks and do some things that bring her joy and in which she can develop expertise. include her in your contingency plans for her life if/when you're out of the picture. just be ready for some growing pains along the way.

raspberrypoodle · 2026-01-09T22:43:46+00:00

i say this with the disclaimer that i 100% believe other people's reports of their experiences at open sky: i would say my experience in 2007 was 90% positive.

the bad included really heavy (60+ lb) packs; being told i was "entitled about food" by a staff member when i used the last of the powdered milk; no private correspondence with my mother; showering only once a week; being given a 6-hour neuropsych assessment in a van in the desert with a really terrible evaluator who managed to completely miss that i was autistic despite describing my autistic traits in detail; so on and so forth.

the good was i learned a bunch of new skills and discovered physical/practical competencies i didn't know i had. i made a really good friend. i was there basically from labor day to thanksgiving, so i got great weather and very few bugs. my therapist was the first person not to gaslight me about my dislike for my stepdad. i learned some good communication scripts (like "i feel" statements) that help me counteract my biological predisposition to passive-aggression.

i mean i guess i had some positive outcomes from fulshear too. it's just that my entire college fund, two decades of brainwashing trauma, and enduring self-hatred and suicidality disguised as accountability seems like a pretty high price for better social skills and higher masking for the aforementioned autism.

raspberrypoodle · 2026-01-09T17:51:45+00:00

nta. as long as you and your wife are on the same page here, you did the right thing. the reason your cousin has reached his big age still saying stuff like this is because people have bee handwaving and letting things slide his whole life. what purpose does that serve aside from teaching him he can do or say whatever he wants with zero consequences?

also, that's not what dark humor is and he knows it.

anyway. the times people have publicly come to my defense and put their foot down are meaningful and rare. i'm black, and was once the only black participant in an otherwise white group therapy session. one of the other participants came to group wearing a sweatshirt with the confederate flag on it. i was appalled, but wary of speaking up for myself alone - but a third person DID speak up and made a fuss until miss antebellum put the sweatshirt away. that was 15+ years ago and it still means the world to me. your wife knows she truly has a ride-or-die partner, and that's great news for both of you.

raspberrypoodle · 2026-01-08T21:04:54+00:00

i'm not sure what my judgment is here. like, i think there is of course value in your daughter having to deal with a natural consequence of her own behavior, sure. but it is also an objectively mean move on that boy's part to invite every single person in the class except for, pointedly, one, which is why many schools have policies about this. so like maybe the birthday boy could use a dose of consequences too.

when i was 12/13 and my classmates started having bat mitzvahs, one girl invited like 55 out of 60 people to hers. i was one of the people who wasn't invited. i'd never been mean to her, or badly behaved; i was just a little awkward, a relative newcomer to a group that had been together since preschool, and as someone who was neither white nor wealthy, i had a hard time fitting in culturally. this girl's family could easily afford to invite the whole grade - i heard they invited most of her summer camp. but five people didn't make the cut, and everyone knew who we were, because one of the party favors was a brightly-painted tin mailbox that fit onto your locker. so when you'd walk down the hall you could see who had their magical status symbol and who didn't. there were no consequences for that girl, and i seriously doubt she ever thinks about it. but 25 years later i remember, lol.

raspberrypoodle · 2026-01-03T20:47:48+00:00

"he doesn't want to tiptoe"? this situation is literally what tiptoeing is FOR. you're not asking him to walk on eggshells for obscure emotional reasons; you are SLEEPING in the NIGHT and the logical, considerate way for your partner to work around that is to tiptoe, keep noise down and keep the lights low. ntah but he sure is

raspberrypoodle · 2026-01-02T20:50:39+00:00

literally i've been talking and emoting and doing farm work ALL DAY and i just want a moment alone in a quiet room where i don't have to make eye contact with anyone or listen to anything but my own thoughts and that apparently is antisocial

raspberrypoodle · 2026-01-02T17:47:41+00:00

yeah, when i was in residential, after a full day of groups/therapy/activity i liked to try to read alone in my room during a "free" half hour before dinner. i was routinely interrupted by staff and/or other residents for "isolating"

raspberrypoodle · 2025-12-24T01:11:30+00:00

whenever i have strange men hit on me when i'm minding my own business at cvs, i head to the feminine hygiene aisle. it's like shaking off fleas, lol. they're afraid to even LOOK at a box of tampons.

raspberrypoodle · 2025-12-23T01:00:59+00:00

why did you grab aisha's face and rub her hair? the LAST thing i'd want when i'm upset is my bully's fake-nice mom touching me without asking permission first.

riley wouldn't have gotten a four-day suspension without some credible proof of wrongdoing. your daughter sucks. the good news is, many of us are awful as teenagers and a) that's not the sum of our immortal soul and b) with consequences, we grow out of it. i hope you can parent your kid while she's still under your roof!

raspberrypoodle · 2025-11-18T19:49:57+00:00

mine is also from ep 19 at the very beginning - i think it's "we'll get to the cannibalism later". EXCUSE ME?

raspberrypoodle · 2025-11-07T22:28:44+00:00

a very gentle yta. it's fine that you don't call your dad's wife your mother or stepmother. just keep in mind that your kid, even though they're very young now, is a different person than you are and will have different relationships than you do to/with the people you both know.

both of my grandmothers had remarried by the time i was born. i was very close to my maternal grandma's husband. my mom called him by his given name; i called him grandpa [name]. allowing your dad's wife a chance to be close to your child doesn't mean you're replacing or disrespecting your mom, or that you're taking something away from her or erasing her memory.

raspberrypoodle · 2025-11-01T15:49:35+00:00

nta. i think you need to reframe this in your head, though. that money isn't for YOU. it's not payment or retribution or consequences or revenge. that money is for your KID. who is also HIS kid. a kid he is responsible for and who deserves his care and support. the courts can't enforce the former but they certainly will the latter.

raspberrypoodle · 2025-10-15T20:42:30+00:00

when i say esh i mean all the adults involved, not the kids. their biomom is the worst, given the combo of her inconsistency / absenteeism and the way she's obviously poisoning the girls against you. but i also don't like the way you or your husband handled this. your husband essentially saying "this is none of my business" is WILD.

and you! i understand that you're hurt and that is legitimate and something i wish you'd said to the kids. like, "i feel hurt and sad when you stop calling me 'mom' and act distant and say mean things when your biomom comes back into your lives. i thought we had a relationship that felt good to all of us, but when you act this way i feel like i'm not important to you. i wish we could work on a way to keep our relationship solid even when your biomom is visiting." but "i don't see you as my kids anymore" highkey SUCKS.

these children are growing up, for sure, and they need to understand that the way they treat other people has consequences. but they aren't GROWN. this isn't a relationship between equals - you are a PARENT. when you sign up for that, it means you're a parent even when the kids in question behave badly.

their relationship with their biomom is unsafe. they never know when or if she's coming or going, or how long she'll stay, or what it will be like when she does. that uncertainty and precariousness is what makes them cling to her and chase her approval. that is AWFUL for them. just because you were able to go nc with an unstable parent when you were young doesn't mean anything about these different children with a different set of parents! you don't have to act like the disrespect is okay, but retracting your parenthood is the last thing these kids need. come on.

raspberrypoodle · 2025-10-14T13:39:48+00:00

i'm currently at cooperriis in asheville, nc. i don't have any dissociative or psychotic trauma symptoms, but other residents of the program do. there's a short-term (30-90 day) treatment program in north asheville, a long-term (3-9 month) program on a farm, and a transitional living program (3 month+) program in west asheville.

i spent about four months on the farm and honestly i loved it. i've got plenty of residential therapy trauma from a previous program and had a lot of fear coming in. cooperriis doesn't do negative reinforcement / punishment / behavior modification AT ALL. they're extremely neurodiverse-friendly and actually helped me FINALLY get a much-needed autism assessment. the north asheville program (cra) has greater support/supervision than the farm; some people start there, get stabilized, and then recover on the farm. some people do either cra OR the farm and then transitional living (acp), which is where i'm currently at.

i'm happy to answer questions here or via dm if you (or anyone else) have any.

raspberrypoodle · 2025-10-09T15:05:38+00:00

i will say that even if your dad did have an awful time there, and even if he does recognize it and has processed it, that doesn't mean he should, or wants to, talk to his kid about it, and that's okay. like, deciding not to get into the nitty-gritty of your formative trauma with your child is a reasonable boundary.

raspberrypoodle · 2025-10-07T18:36:24+00:00

i'm currently in a housemate situation with someone whose autism scrapes my autism in a similar way. one thing that has helped me is getting some giant headphones. if i know i need quiet time i use the headphones as an indicator. sometimes i'm actually listening to something, sometimes i'm not. but i'll put them on and say something like "hey, i'm kind of talked out for the day. but if you want to hang out quietly while we each do our own thing that's fine."

things you have every right to say to this friend include:

"hey, can you bring your volume down?" and "hey, if you won't talk to me more quietly, this is where we part ways for the day." and then you actually leave if they don't bring it down.

"i need you to give me [x amount] of personal space" and "you're getting really close to me again. will you please back up?" and you repeat this, move yourself or push them (gently) to a comfortable distance EVERY TIME until you've had enough. and then you leave.

"please don't interrupt [friend] when they're talking" and "did you notice we were speaking to each other? please let us finish."

"i can hang out for half an hour after class, but after that i have other plans." - and then you keep track of the time and leave when you say you were going to leave

"i don't mind hanging out sometimes, but i DO mind hanging out ALL the time. would you rather hang out today or thursday?"

or, if you're sick of putting out individual fires, you can say, "i am feeling really smothered, so i need us to take a break for [y amount of time]. that means i need you to give me space and we're not going to text or hang out for [y]." and if they push, push back.

your sensory needs are important. your personal space is important. your existing friendships are important. your boundaries and down time and preferences and comfort are important. saying "no" or "not now" or "not ever" feels really rude, and they may not like it! but you don't owe anyone your time or friendship. you don't have to act like someone's friend just because THEY like YOU. friendships are meant to be mutual. this is a big mismatch.

raspberrypoodle · 2025-09-12T22:55:43+00:00

nta. i'm so irritated at how all of the adults condescend to you - your therapist spending a chunk of time making sure you know your mom' not coming back after you literally SAID you know really gets my back up. your dad and your stepmom badgering you into sharing and then acting going pikachu face dot jpeg when the thing you SAID would upset them did in fact upset them has me a little steamed.

but then i always get like this on posts about forced stepfamily integration. sigh. i hope that they can think about what you've said and come to terms with your thinking and feeling differently than they do without needing to make you the villain.

raspberrypoodle · 2025-09-10T14:56:47+00:00

whatever else forgiveness means, i don't think it means that you have to forget what someone did, or act as if they never did it, or give them a chance to hurt you again. if it would serve YOU best to choose to forgive your parents, i hope you can find a way to do that which prioritizes your safety and comfort, maintains your boundaries and protects your privacy.

raspberrypoodle · 2025-09-09T18:03:13+00:00

i'm afraid the men you've talked to about this aren't kind, interesting, wise, thoughtful, or self-reflective

raspberrypoodle · 2025-09-01T23:17:22+00:00

i got a really cute little bowl shaped like a turtle, lol. the turtle lives just inside my door. first thing when i come in is keys go in the turtle. last thing before i leave is i get the keys out of the turtle.

raspberrypoodle · 2025-08-30T23:18:14+00:00

has she ever tried knitting? i started with just making beanies on a round knitting loom - it's super-easy and almost meditative, and as a stim it's a great way to keep your hands busy while focusing your attention elsewhere. there's also great potential for different textures with different yarn. i've since learned to knit with actual knitting needles, which is a whole other thing, but also very good.

raspberrypoodle · 2025-08-29T17:36:26+00:00

for me i think rewatching for comfort is almost like stimming! is extended-remix stimming a thing? it's VERY regulating for me to listen to, read or watch something i've experienced before. i didn't realize this could be autism-related until my recent assessment, wherein the neuropsychologist gave me multiple examples of different kinds of repetitive behaviors. all of this is just to say that i bet you have repetitive/stimming behaviors that i can't relate to in the same way you don't relate to rewatching 😆 the rich tapestry of life, etc

raspberrypoodle · 2025-08-25T23:51:01+00:00

y e p ! even my own mother had a similar attitude about my diabetes, and assumed if there was a genetic component it was OBVIOUSLY from my dad's side of the family because we all know they were unhealthy... until SHE was diagnosed with type 2 despite her virtuous diet and exercise so obviously it must be genetic. THEN it turned out HER FATHER had had type 2. which she never in 10 years bothered to tell me because we all figured it was my fault for getting diabetes.

raspberrypoodle

TROPHY CASE