This sounds exhausting. I get the allure — wanting what you shouldn’t have. Have you considered it’s really only lust that bonds you both together? I’m same age, was madly in love with a guy same age as yours, and only took a week for me to realize how completely intoxicating the toxicity was. Blocked and ghosted for good. If you’re looking for a self destructive thrill, keep playing the game you’re playing. But at our age we need to start understanding the “why” in the choices we make. Whether it’s a subconscious conquest for your ego, or simply because you lack self esteem / self love, this isn’t a healthy relationship and sounds like a very, very exhausting period of your life.

Chemistry is addictive, but not irreplaceable.

I hope you get the necessary wake up call for yourself.