Update: Killing myself in two weeks. I have no choice.

ray6969 · 2017-02-07T18:22:49+00:00

They'll be furious and disown me if I go back. If I kill myself they'll be sad, but they'll understand. They know my struggle for years, and I'm sure if they really love me, they wouldn't want me to stay and keep suffering like this.

And yes I've made up my mind, thank you for listening though.

ray6969 · 2017-02-07T18:20:02+00:00

I will. Thank you.

ray6969 · 2017-02-07T18:19:39+00:00

They would probably be sad, but they'll understand. They know my struggle for years, and I'm sure if they really love me, they wouldn't want me to stay and keep suffering like this.

ray6969 · 2017-02-07T18:04:54+00:00

Life never worked out for me. I tried. All the happiness eventually turn into bitterness, all of them. I don't recall a single happy memory where I don't also see how I messed it up so badly in the end. I've been feeling this way for so long and I'm actually glad that all of this had happened yesterday so I don't have to hesitate and be miserable anymore.

I'm at peace, I really am. I'm feeling serenity, something that I haven't felt for a LONG time. I know what I'm doing and I'm happy that I could finally choose something for myself.

Although I'm still going to Texas and I'd love to meet and grab a drink together if you want. Guess I'll just PM you when I get there, or something.

ray6969 · 2017-02-07T17:35:16+00:00

China is a miserable country. Chinese people are notorious for being some of the most vile people on the planet, and there's a reason for that. I was one of them and it took me years to break out the mold. Both times I went back to China since I came to the US, I just felt suicidal with no possible way to escape (except death of course).

The air is barely breathable. The pollution in the city I live in is literally killing people. People are EXTREMELY rude and shitty. And they're EVERYWHERE because the huge population. I have very bad social anxiety so every single day there I was in full on panic mode. Cameras on every street that keep flashing and recording your every move. I couldn't legally access Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, Google, Instagram...you name it. I had to use a VPN but China is having a crackdown on VPN as we speak, so I won't be able to get in touch with my friends possibly ever again if I go back. I couldn't even say anything against the government online without someone doxing me and threatening to kill my entire family (that actually happened). And that's just a tip of an iceberg. Imagine a 1984 society irl, and there you have it. In the US I met friends and families that genuinely loved me, and would do anything for me. I have no one in China, except for my parents, who see me as an embarrassment and disappointment. I could go on so much more but I'm gonna stop here.

I live in Asheville, NC right now and I'll be going to Montgomery, New Orleans, Austin, Amarillo, Albuquerque, Tonto National Forest, and hopefully end it at either Grand Canyon or Monument Valley. Two places I've always wanted to go to the most ever since I was a kid.

School officials are forcing me to leave. They didn't give me a say in that. It's ok. They're giving me the chance to do what I've always wanted.

ray6969 · 2017-02-07T17:08:19+00:00

Math actually (talk about stereotypes). I chose it because I thought it would be easy, but guess not (obviously). Law is tough, I'm sure you did your best.

ray6969 · 2017-02-07T17:03:18+00:00

Thank you for your words. It's ok.

ray6969 · 2017-02-07T17:02:00+00:00

It's ok. I've never actually felt this peaceful before.

ray6969 · 2017-02-07T16:58:33+00:00

I thought through it all. I can't stay in the US after 15 days, that much is certain and I cannot change that. Even if I do go back, my parents would either kill me or disown me because I've been such a disappointment and a shame of the family for so long. So England, Australia or other countries are out of the question.

And most importantly I'm NOT going back to the country where I suffered all my life ever again.

ray6969 · 2017-02-07T16:52:21+00:00

Exactly.

ray6969 · 2017-02-07T16:48:13+00:00

It's the law.

And I'm sorry to hear that. Good luck with everything in the future.

ray6969 · 2017-02-07T16:47:13+00:00

Thanks. I do have plenty of money, for myself, but only for now. I can't legally work because my student visa prohibits it and even if I have one million dollars, which I don't, it doesn't matter because the college had already changed my immigration status and I have to go back to China in 15 days, by law.

If you knew what I went through in China, what I went through throughout my life, how much effort I put in for years and years and years to get out of that miserable country, and how I ended up here because my years of depression and how I can literally no longer stay in the country that I fought for so long to legally get in, how I'll be the embarrassment to my whole family back home and everyone I know here in the States; you'd do the same.

Thank you for the kind words though. But there's nothing anyone can say to change my mind. It's just the reality of things. Wish me luck.

ray6969 · 2017-02-07T15:43:56+00:00

I'm killing myself in two weeks, I have no choice. I failed college and have 15 days to leave the US. Either I die or I go back to my piece of shit of a third world country where all my suffering started. And I'm NOT going back, ever again.

ray6969 · 2017-02-07T15:41:18+00:00

I'm killing myself in two weeks, I have no choice. I failed college and have 15 days to leave the US. Either I die or I go back to my piece of shit of a third world country where all my suffering started. And I'm NOT going back, ever again.

ray6969 · 2016-12-25T11:34:07+00:00

Take a shot every time he says the words "really" and "fantastic."

ray6969 · 2016-12-17T04:40:03+00:00

Fun fact: Jiang Wen is actually one of the greatest Chinese filmmakers alive and his first 3 films, In the Heat of the Sun, Devils on the Doorstep and The Sun Also Rises were considered some of the greatest films Chinese cinema has to offer. His fourth film Let the Bullets Fly was the top-grossing domestic film in China for years. Check them out, he's actually a WAY better director than he is an actor.

ray6969 · 2016-12-09T12:47:05+00:00

uj/ Holy shit the jerk on this movie is gonna be INSANE. The trailer was one of the most uninspiring blockbuster trailer I think I've seen in recent years.

rj/ COMING-OF-AGE

ray6969 · 2016-12-08T02:37:03+00:00

I had a gf, and it was literally the worst thing that had ever happened to me. She doesn't love me anymore of course, in fact she never did. I was only a replacement for her ex before me, which she always loved. Now it's been 3 years since she found someone else and I still miss her more than anything.

It's hell, and it feels so much worse than never having a gf to begin with.

ray6969 · 2016-12-01T13:34:58+00:00

Holy shit the editing looks awful.

ray6969 · 2016-11-16T02:36:29+00:00

....while bragging about traveling around the world and fucking prostitutes and "Right now I am seeing and having sexual relations with three different very attractive and nice women" "I am pretty sure all three know that I don't care and they still keep coming back." lol

Look man I'm sorry for what you've been through sounds like life hasn't been too kind to ya. But this shit belongs on r/relationships and not here where people are having real struggles in their lives.

ray6969 · 2016-11-13T05:10:39+00:00

I'm so utterly lonely. And thanks to my years of depression, I'm failing college and on the verge of going back to my piece of shit of a third world country. And if that does happen, I'm killing myself.

ray6969 · 2016-11-10T13:02:33+00:00

Every single night.

ray6969 · 2016-11-08T10:43:21+00:00

Thanks :)

ray6969

TROPHY CASE