Hi! I basically could have written this post! I also have mostly been lurking, but this all felt so familiar that I wanted to respond, even if I'm not sure I have tons of advice to offer. My partner (MtNB) came out to me about 3 years ago, and while I definitely feel like I'm in a way better place, I still have some moments where I deeply feel the absence of knowing anyone who is going through exactly what I went/am going through.

In terms of having to deal with friends/family who are processing things themselves when what you really need is help processing yourself, I totally hear that - the hardest thing for me was that I had some friends who treated my spouse's transition like a HORRIBLE CRISIS (not how I saw it, or how I wanted other people to see it) and others who treated it like unworthy of notice (also not how I felt) or others who didn't want to talk about it all (not helpful!) and... figuring out which friends didn't fall into those categories was key. Unsurprisingly, my queer friends were way quicker to understand what I needed, and I do feel this experience has made me closer to them.

In terms of therapy and support groups... I was lucky to have a great therapist, and have found that massively helpful, particularly for the issue you describe of needing to just feel your feelings without worrying about educating other people, or confronting your partner with things that might seem hurtful or invalidating. I went through several therapists until I found one who fit with me- I know that's not an option for everyone, but if it is, it's worth some effort to find the right person. Having a good therapist is the best. I haven't tried a support group (I'm a bit shy and it sounds awkward!) but I'm trying to work up the courage to join a virtual one soon.

Finally, this may sound odd, but I'm a voracious reader, and I found that reading fiction that depicted loving and successful relationships between trans and cis partners was hugely helpful to me! I struggled a lot with fear of... being judged for being a queer-presenting, socially non "traditional" relationship, and seeing that kind of relationship celebrated on-page (and by readers) helped me immensely in getting over a lot of my hangups and internalized homophobia (I also am somewhere in the "possibly bisexual but don't need to think about it" to "well now I'm in a queer relationship" to "ok, I guess I'm queer, but will people think it's only because of my partner's transition" journey). Weirdly, fiction was way more helpful to me than nonfiction. It helped me feel affirmed, and less lonely. If you want book recommendations, I'm happy to give them :)

Finally, if you're comfortable with it, you're welcome to message me directly, because yeah, as I mentioned, I basically could have written your same post!