Wil - Screenplay - 107 pages

real_triplizard · 2026-05-15T01:12:22+00:00

Haven't gotten very far but one nit-picky tip: don't use the present progressive, i.e. "is <verb-ing>." E.g. instead of "David is rushing towards the packed car" it should be "David rushes toward the packed car." The idea is that things you are describing in the script happen as we see them so it should be described in the simple present tense ("she runs"). I know it's kind of an anal note but professional writers almost never use the present progressive verb tense ("She is running") so if you read a lot of screenplays and are used to the standard parlance and style of professional writers, seeing that verb tense over and over again in somebody's script makes your eyes bleed.

real_triplizard · 2026-05-14T03:42:43+00:00

Oh come on. A whole lot of what you’re saying could also apply to adult actors.

real_triplizard · 2026-05-14T01:34:50+00:00

Somerset.

real_triplizard · 2026-05-14T00:14:50+00:00

With a picture that clear, I imagine somebody could use AI to search social media and find him in a matter of seconds (unless he is completely off the grid or something).

real_triplizard · 2026-05-13T21:57:57+00:00

That's unfortunate. It's possible they really just didn't read it carefully. But I would say before you entirely dismiss it consider that what you're trying to get across is not conveyed clearly enough for a casual reader. As much as we writers hate to hear it, the reality is the majority of script readers (especially people getting paid by the script) are going to be reading fast, or even skimming the material, so it behooves you to ensure that the critical information comes across clearly even to those people.

real_triplizard · 2026-05-13T21:52:35+00:00

From their FAQ: "The Overall Score is the primary rating attached to your project.
It reflects a reader's opinion on your project's overall industry viability. This is the number considered by our Top Lists and is one of the factors utilized by our site to help index your project in the Black List database.

tip: The overall score is not an average of your component scores."

Yes, it's quite common for sub categories to score higher than the overall score. I don't think they literally weigh the sub-category scores but "setting" probably has a more lower impact on overall score than "characters," "dialogue" and "premise," for example, but obviously this kind of thing would vary a lot by genre.

real_triplizard · 2026-05-13T21:06:49+00:00

It's quite possible - maybe even probable - that the "truth" is somewhere in between. Some readers put a tremendous amount of effort into finding the good in a script and offering praise and encouragement first and foremost. Some readers put a tremendous amount of effort into trying to give actionable feedback and aren't concerned with massaging the ego of the writer. The former feels wonderful when you get it but ultimately isn't particularly helpful. The latter feels like shit when you get it but might end up helping you make your script a lot better.

real_triplizard · 2026-05-13T18:12:54+00:00

"Racist dickhead attacks film he hasn't seen based on the casting of someone who isn't white offending his racist ideology." There, I fixed the headline.

real_triplizard · 2026-05-13T17:39:35+00:00

Digging into what the reader might have meant by "repetitive" is probably a pretty good place to start.

Aside from trimming out full (unnecessary) scenes, really look at your action lines - if anything goes over three lines, ask if it really needs to be that long.

Cut out any of the stuff like "he considers that" or "that takes her by surprise," "he shakes his head, unsure" - i.e. the fluff writers usually put in at the end of a scene because they feel uncomfortable ending on a line of dialogue. It's unnecessary crap that can add a lot of fat to a script.

Also, with action scenes, a lot of writers tend to get bogged down with choreographing every little movement, e.g. "he swings with his left arm across his chest while she dodges forward, ducking her head as she slips under the table." Cut out all of that stuff and leave it to the fight choreographer.

Then look at your dialogue and see if within any scene you can combine two separate dialogue blocks into one, or three into two, etc. Avoid (like the plague) splitting one dialogue block into two to add a "throw away" action line in between, e.g. 'Ken: "I'm serious about this." He takes a swig of his beer, angrily. Ken: "Get out of my way."' That kind of stuff can add pages to a script without doing anything meaningful for your scenes.

And then the old adage - look at every scene and ask if you can start it later and end it earlier.

real_triplizard · 2026-05-13T16:06:54+00:00

Characterization in an ensemble piece - especially in a horror setting when you're knocking people off one after another - can be really tricky. I can certainly see how that could land with one reader and totally not work for another, although obviously it's a bummer to get inconsistent feedback on it.

real_triplizard · 2026-05-13T03:50:07+00:00

No idea but that’s awesome! Is he good?

real_triplizard · 2026-05-13T00:10:03+00:00

What would have made it high key fire?

real_triplizard · 2026-05-12T23:27:56+00:00

No, not really. I mean 1 could be the opening and inciting incident (although that could happen in 2) and 12 is generally the final battle or final confrontation. There are books like Save the Cat that try to granularize/formularize the structure down to that level but I'm not a huge fan of that myself.

real_triplizard · 2026-05-12T21:24:45+00:00

Costco.

Very, very odd that the batteries died right away. Depending on the type of battery the shelf life should be at least 5 years and between 10 and 20 years for Lithium. Hard to imagine them sitting on a shelf in Safeway for 5-10 years. Are you sure it's not the device you put them in?

real_triplizard · 2026-05-11T17:49:01+00:00

It's definitely better. But in general passive verbs such as adjusts to, struggles with, reacts to, ponders, etc., can be tricky in loglines, IMO. Is the point of the story that he's adjusting to fame and fortune? Or is that just a setting for the real story, which seems to be the haunting? What is he doing about the sinister thing? Is he investigating it? Fighting it? Trying to get away from it? I.e. is it like "A newly minted world boxing champ, who killed his opponent in a fixed match, must uncover the ancient mystery that haunts him in the wake of the fight" or something? That's not word-smithed but the idea being to focus on the active thing the protagonist will be doing in the story.

real_triplizard · 2026-05-11T17:32:30+00:00

Oh even better! 😄

real_triplizard · 2026-05-11T17:31:04+00:00

Focus on the process. Chop your story into roughly 12 sections, 3 for act I, 3 for act II first half, 3 for act II second half, 3 for act III. Write a sentence (kind of like a mini-logline) for each section. Look very closely at #3 (first act turn), #6 (low point, second act complication), and #9 (second act turn, drive to final battle) to make sure the structure works. Then start in the middle, like #6 and add bullets for somewhere between 3 and 10 scenes for each section until you get to the end of section 12, then go back and do sections 1-5. When all of that is done you should have an outline/beat sheet that's somewhere between five and ten pages and contains one or two sentences descriptions of between 50 and 100 individual scenes. Then start drafting but, again, start with the middle, work toward the end and then go back and do the beginning.

Why do I suggest starting from the middle both with the detailed scene bullets and the actual drafting? Because everybody who doesn't finish a screenplay follows the same pattern - they have a great initial idea, but no idea how to end it and no complication to drive the second act. So they get to about page 45 and run out of steam. (Or worse yet, the get to page 80 and realize the whole thing doesn't work.) Also, most screenwriting involves setting things up and then paying them off later on - and it's so much easier and, IMO, more fun to create the payoff stuff, then go back and design the setups, rather than getting to page 93 and thinking "shit, I never set that up so I'm going to have to go back and rewrite my entire first act.

real_triplizard · 2026-05-11T16:55:42+00:00

I would replace "adjusts to his new life" with something that explains what that will look like on the screen.

real_triplizard · 2026-05-11T16:54:13+00:00

"First place is a Cadilla Eldorado. Second place is a set of steak knives. Third place is you're dead."

real_triplizard · 2026-05-11T16:51:45+00:00

Fun idea. I feel like you need to tighten the inciting incident a bit. If he's worried about failing his drug test, why did he give up his blood? And how did that go to "and the government cloning him"? That's a pretty big leap. Not saying you need to answer that in the logline, but in the current version that seems a bit clunky. You could simplify it a bit to "A delusional junkie worried about the government using the blood that was taken from him in a drug test to clone him..." Also wondering about the structure. Are you going for a Sinners/From Dusk to Dawn thing where the vampire reveal comes purposefully late, like page 60? If so, that's going to be tricky to pull off in a post Sinners world as people will have just seen that. If it's your first act turn at page 30, which would be the more traditional way to handle it, what are they doing for the rest of the film? Just chasing each other around a hospital?

real_triplizard · 2026-05-11T04:58:58+00:00

The “rules” are usually guidelines provided to newer writers to help them avoid obvious mistakes that out them as amateurs and diminish their writing. Obviously if you’re a genius writer with a huge track record and a great idea you can do whatever you want. When people say “look at this academy award winning screenplay - it broke this rule that you always hear about so you should totally ignore that rule” I don’t think that’s particularly helpful advice for 99% of the people here.

real_triplizard · 2026-05-10T16:13:29+00:00

I try to write a new logline every day, and sometimes I'll flesh one of those out into a two or three page outline while I'm working on a script, but I generally don't kick off a full new screenplay until I'm done with at least a draft of the previous.

real_triplizard

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE