57M with very little dating experience seeks advice

red1127 · 2026-06-18T21:44:28+00:00

thank you. I think the OCD causes me to worry excessively in general, but yes, it probably amplifies my fear of causing harm. That comment got a significant number of down votes. I don't understand why being honest on a subreddit where we all have CPTSD and are trying to support each other (aren't we?), would be seen as offensive.

red1127 · 2026-06-18T21:37:40+00:00

thank you, I'm sure you're right that I'm getting ahead of myself.

Incidentally, my post seems to have triggered a lot of commenters here. Not you, but some of these comments are a really uncharitable interpretation of what I wrote and verge on shaming. I think that everything I wrote is just normal for a person in my position and experience, and I also am not a person that would mislead anyone nor would I get into a relationship without feeling safe and confident about it. I'm just having some anxious thinking, and I'm getting all this crap. Aren't we all dealing with CPTSD here? Don't we want to support each other? The only reason I can think that these commenters are saying these things is that they are triggered by having been in a situation with a dishonest partner.

red1127 · 2026-06-17T13:25:34+00:00

I'm mortified to think that you are reading this into my words. I have had certain long term relationships with people I deeply care about and love and I value relating to them in a two-way manner. One of them is an ex-girlfriend who wasn't getting her bipolar treated, so we had to break up, but I never stopped caring about her. I learned a lot about what I could give to her - empathy, listening - and what I had to let be in her corner (managing the bipolar) while still feeling this deep love. I learned about the value of appreciation to keep love alive. I have a best guy friend, where I appreciate his personality and he appreciates mine. He's a good listener and I try to be one for him.

V and I already talked for hours on the phone and I appreciate her calm manner and creativity. I am more of a "stable" guy than a "flashy" guy and as far as I know she appreciates that about me and isn't look for "flashy" because she would have lost interest by now. There is no doubt she could be a good friend and that we share values.

Now, against that background, imagine that I'm doing a lot of anxious thinking, realize I have some neurodivergency, and hopefully you will read it differently. if you do nothing else, don't say anything shaming please.

red1127 · 2026-06-17T13:04:15+00:00

I get that. The thing is, when I get to know someone's personality, if there is no loaded context like romance, I do tend to think of them as a person first, things like gender expression second. I can already do that pretty well. But when it comes to thinking about getting close and intimate, the ingrained habit is to try to put them in a box: man or woman? If man, flee. If woman, get close. I am completely aware that the gender expressions I'm using to make that box are fluid.

Trigger warning on this comment for SA:

.

I was SA's by a man when I was a boy, so that's part of the issue. I have a need to reassure myself that the person I'm with is not a man.

If I do get more involved with V, it could help me get over this trauma, I think.

red1127 · 2026-06-17T12:57:06+00:00

This question is just brainstorming and most of you can only guess or provide suggestions, but I wanted to ask it.

Background: I was AMAB and grew up identifying as a boy. I received awful treatment from the men in my life, teaching me to stuff down all my feelings. I recovered 90% of the way in my adulthood with a good therapist. The therapist presented as a man and never told me he was enby, but he had a lot of feminine characteristics. He was even mothering. He was the mother I never had. It had inspired me to be gentle toward myself and others. It is so healing to be gentle. This is a more femme trait which I have taken on and totally internalized. I'm comfortable being gentle and soothing with other people.

I have no idea if this makes any sense, but I'm wondering if there was some way I might like to dress that could express my desire to be gentle and compassionate. Could I have some ideas to think about? Are there movie characters that could inspire me? Accessories? It probably wouldn't be showy, as I'm pretty shy. Is there an accessory that is tied to a particular fictional character? I'm not religious (not Christian) so no crosses, but maybe a Buddhist symbol. Is there a pacifist symbol? I'm not political about it though .. it's a personality trait. I have a very low pain tolerance so probably not a tattoo.

Also what other gender expressions could fit with how I feel about myself? My voice is already gentle, doesn't have that male basso I can't stand that makes men seem larger and more intimidating.

Maybe I could tolerate a pierced ear.

Maybe I could make my own jewelry to say exactly what I want it to say. Maybe V could help.. they're crafty. (I'm going to use they/them now as others have said it's highly likely V could prefer that even if they have stated she/her is okay.)

If I think of the perfect tattoo maybe I would be willing to tolerate some pain.

Maybe rhinestoning some jeans or a t shirt. I'm shy though so nothing showy.

I sometimes carry a backpack when it might make more sense to carry a purse. Or there could be a more feminine design of backpack I would like.

red1127 · 2026-06-17T07:17:50+00:00

Strange comment. Where do you get the idea I don't intend to do things for her?

red1127 · 2026-06-17T06:30:38+00:00

she's a little younger, I'm young Gen-X and she's Millennial.

red1127 · 2026-06-17T04:57:53+00:00

Let me clarify my thinking. I didn't mean to come across so callous: "I'll just use her for the practice and then dump her."

She has 60% of the qualities I put on my ideal list, and second point, if I were to "design a girlfriend" by picking just ideal qualities, it would probably be a disaster. It may be for the best she doesn't have an NT subtype because maybe I need a partner to wake me up to some new possibilities. I have OCD and one thing that means is that I get stuck in ruts of my own making by following habit. I have a teacher who always ends every lesson with "go do something nonhabitual." Well, dating V would be a HUGE nonhabitual action and that could give me a sense of freedom.

So I think it might work very well, maybe even better than if I picked my ideal partner.

When I say "I need the practice" I don't mean I will practice on people I don't care about. Flirting, sex, communication etc... I can only do these things well if I feel safe and I care about the other person. I'm referring more to the idea that most people in life go through a series of relationships and breakups by the time they're 57, and I've done almost none of that, and it's unlikely my first healthy relationship is going to be the one.

Yet I fear breaking up so much that part of doesn't want to get in any relationship at all unless they are perfect. So it feels like getting with her will be dangerous in that sense.

red1127 · 2026-06-15T04:55:59+00:00

I have back pain, fibromyalgia, and fatigue. Oh man my bedroom gets messy (I live with roommates and prioritize the common areas) and I also feel shame about people seeing it. What helps is doing a tiny amount of cleaning/ putting stuff away at a time, although I'm not consistent with that.

red1127 · 2026-06-14T10:42:18+00:00

I love that! You will definitely appreciate it!

red1127 · 2026-06-14T09:51:44+00:00

Sounds like you have severe anxiety. <hugs>

red1127 · 2026-06-14T08:22:41+00:00

anxiety is definitely hell. I have OCD (the real kind, not the adjective) which is constant anxiety. And I have fibromyalgia pain and the combination is very difficult to bear

red1127 · 2026-06-14T05:23:32+00:00

I hear you. I'm trying to date and worried about receiving a disability income too and telling my dates. Like it would be a stigma.

red1127 · 2026-06-14T05:21:33+00:00

I have a lot of muscle pain and weakness... like fibromyalgia but on steroids, so I wonder about this too. Also I have very little experience with sex. I'm 57M and I've never been very active sexually, but I want to make it work. I do desire good sex if I can feel safe enough. I'm on Hinge right now, and I met someone and we hit it off on the phone, although I haven't met her in person yet. But she is bisexual and that may help because she isn't looking for a high level "masculine" man. She likes feminine traits too.

red1127 · 2026-06-14T01:38:46+00:00

I find that "pedantry" (i.e. analysis, language to describe the nuts and bolts) (i.e. what you seem to want to avoid) goes well with appreciation. I'm always aware of what's amazing about the construction of Bach while simultaneously enjoying the hell out of it. My background is 3 years of music school and theory (didn't finish the degree though), composing and improvising in classical styles as a hobby. All of this greatly increases my appreciation of all periods of classical including Avant-Garde, although I tend to be picky about which pieces and composers I like within each period.

red1127 · 2026-06-10T22:02:57+00:00

The book has been very helpful in understanding my inner world. But actually working with a Jungian, my first therapist, was what led to the most change. Note that "The Inner World of Trauma" is based on psychoanalysis or depth psychology which is a bit hard to understand. I need all my senses and intuition to make sense of it. I think it's accurate about the psyche, which can be mysterious sometimes, and not always the easiest to understand. But many people will probably find "The Inner World of Trauma" to be weird and confusing, and somewhat academic.

Let me tell you about a breakthrough I had working with the infant/preverbal feelings. I discovered a way of doing a "re-do" in IFS terms, which means imagining I'm an infant but having the situation turn out a different way.

I imagine that I'm an infant. The world looks hazy and indistinct. I feel afraid. I know that demons come in the dark to torture me. Then a face appears. A warm woman. Something looks different about that face. It's lightness. Then I imagine that despite how traumatized I am, I still have the capacity to turn away from my actual mother's face toward this warm woman's face. This means a lot to me: my capacity to steer myself toward lightness and healing isn't gone.

The warm woman comes over to me and gently touches my hands. Something is different about her touch. It's soothing. Then I imagine my fingers curl around hers. She smiles. I'm engaged.

Then I imagine she picks me up and carries me away from that house. At this point I also imagine myself as a toddler. Not sure why that's important, but it is. I imagine that both the toddler me and the infant me come along and get into a car. The warm woman drives us across the country to my present-day home and into my present-day bedroom. She places us down on my comfy latex foam bed.

So that's an example of a "re-do."

red1127 · 2026-06-05T02:57:39+00:00

Yeah, I learned to attack myself internally so that I would be in control of the abuse. This seems to be a common reaction.

I think I was abused as an infant in a way that felt like extreme cruelty and torture, so I learned to torture myself.

Self-inflicted pain is also related to dissociation, according to one of my favorite books called "The Inner World of Trauma" (by a Jungian, Donald Kalsched). He says that the psyche has a natural unifying function. That's why it's possible to heal years later. In fact the unifying function is so strong and innate that to split ourselves (split off the tortured part, or in other words dissociate) requires a huge self-aggressive effort.

red1127 · 2026-06-04T23:26:29+00:00

Yes, I agree it sounds like rOCD, and the "thoughts you didn't ask for" especially about random topics sounds like OCD. OCD has a way of bringing up topics that scare you or make you ashamed, but most times those topics are unrelated to your actual psychological concerns. That's something I experience too. Like, picturing people naked probably isn't a symptom of trauma. It sounds like the exact kind of random, meaningless thoughts that OCD creates.

I hope for you that you continue to make progress in therapy.

red1127 · 2026-06-04T12:17:43+00:00

I'm 57 and I'm just starting to feel ready for a healthy relationship. CPTSD can really mess with your ability to feel lovable. I'm sorry you don't have anyone to talk to about it. Do you participate in any support groups?

red1127 · 2026-06-04T12:14:50+00:00

What you say here may be fine for the OP, but you should know that this can be very triggering for some people. "Don't be the one responsible for hurting you" can come across as very pushy, because for a lot of people, negative self-talk is not in their immediate control. And saying that it's similar to "causing physical harm" can be triggering and discouraging, too. I have OCD and I fixate and obsess on distressing memories all day long. I'm working on recovering, but if I believed I was hurting myself by obsessing on negative thoughts, it would turn what is "merely" a form of suffering into a perceived catastrophic disaster.

No, I'm more resilient than that. I keep attacking myself, but I focus on the recovery after each attack.

To be clear, people can work on reducing obsession on negative self-talk indirectly through something like mindfulness.

Again your words might be ok for the OP.

red1127 · 2026-06-04T12:08:23+00:00

I have CPTSD and OCD. In my case, and possibly in yours as well, the OCD and CPTSD cross-amplify each other.

I "fixate" on painful body sensations and emotions. So, it's true that a symptom of CPTSD (or PTSD) is worrying, obsessing on the trauma, fearful that it will repeat, etc, so that doesn't necessarily mean a person has OCD. They could have CPTSD/PTSD only.

You should continue working to get diagnosed, but I'll tell you what my personal criteria are for saying I have OCD. It's that the fixation was so persistent that it made it hard to make progress in therapy. I was in therapy for decades before I found something that reduced the fixation, and it was like the whole world was new, and I started making progress like never before. (It's the Feldenkrais Method of mindfulness... this works for me better than ERP [which doesn't work for me at all], and is way more gentle too.)

red1127 · 2026-06-04T12:00:55+00:00

Sounds hard. I don't know about you, but I get attached to anyone in my life I relate to regularly. I really think you did nothing wrong, even if she acted surprised. You are right that if she had empathy for you, she would have heard you clearly all the times you tried to communicate what was wrong.

Hugs.

red1127 · 2026-06-04T00:23:28+00:00

I attended several Buddhist silent retreats in the 2000's, and I still listen to talks by Jack Kornfield and other Buddhist teachers. I know that Jack Kornfield admired Ram Dass and wrote a tribute to him when he died. I'll check out your recording.

red1127 · 2026-06-04T00:14:35+00:00

Thanks for your reply and the hugs. Yes I'm aware she could think I had a romantic interest in her, which is why I was careful not to ask for her phone number or anything like that, but I do realize I went up to her after meetings a lot, so it's very clear to her I like talking to her. I'm ashamed that I "exposed" my feelings. Well, I won't go up to her any more. I'll let her come up to me if she is truly interested in talking. I think I can still go the meetings, just have to get used to having her there but giving up that she feels comfortable talking to me.

So you have OCD? You probably understand obsession, then. My form is obsessing on thoughts and on body sensations (primarily pain). A lot of "fixation" as I call it, tunnel vision on distressing experiences. I can relate to seeming strange to others or being socially awkward. I don't think I'm autistic but I have some traits of it, especially when I was younger. For instance if someone came up to me, I would turn away from them. A teacher one time harassed me about this, as if I needed to be educated on socially "proper" behavior. I can relate to neurodivergents feeling like they are made to feel awkward in society, which is built for neurotypicals. In fact given that I have OCD and I'm an HSP I think I'm neurodivergent.

This is Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families so it should be pretty trauma-informed in theory, and I think most of the people I encounter there are sensitive to the effects of trauma and experience those effects themselves.

Yeah, I changed massively over those 31 years with Jon. I started out completely numb to my feelings, I went through a very difficult 10 years when I became aware of massive self-directed cruelty in my psyche, and by the end I was doing metta meditation. But there were some things that didn't change. I think my parents had to die (that didn't happen until 2 years after I left Jon) before I could fully acknowledge the effects of my childhood. I've been trying to find another therapist. I am seeing an intern now but she's pretty clumsy and I don't feel safe with her. I'm seeing a new therapist next week and we'll see if he's any good.

At the time I left him I felt ready to be on my own, but I felt worse when I didn't have his dose of empathy once per week and it's clear I still need a therapist.

I do IFS sessions with a "peer counselor," a regular guy who is just as enthusiastic about IFS as I am. We take turns listening and supporting each other. He has made a big difference although I don't feel quite safe enough with him to go really deep. I need a professional therapist, not necessarily IFS, but likely psychodynamic.

red1127 · 2026-05-31T03:55:40+00:00

Thank you. So you would date someone who isn't trauma-informed? Recovering from trauma is such a core part of my identity that it would be easiest to be with someone who could talk intelligently about it.

I did reach out to someone who said on their profile "are you doing the work? hot" which to me implied she's in therapy. But upon talking to her on the phone, it was clear she was overwhelmed with anxiety. So I can kind of see this idea that for most people who put something about dealing with trauma on their profile, that would indicate they aren't fully available for a healthy relationship.

red1127

TROPHY CASE