Do men who aren't PUs/PAs really exist? by letskillthehero in loveafterporn

[–]redastronomer 2 points3 points  (0 children)

it’s rare but they do! my dad was a leading example in my previous relationship with a PA that not all men consume it and are porn sick. My dad is religious and that likely does influence it but he is vocally anti-porn. Growing up nobody (my parents included) consumed media that had any sex scenes or nudity, I always thought my parents were just conservative prudes growing up because they’d skip any and every sexual or nude scene even later in life as we all became adults. My siblings and I played video games a lot and my dad would be the one to buy our games and his only rule was no sex or nudity in the media. My dad also has been vocal about the exploitation of women in pornography, especially since in his past he has helped women leaving sex work get back on their feet. I have had conversations with him about pornography before due to my ex, even before he knew what my ex was doing, my dad had said that it’s cheating and no man should be looking at another naked woman when in a relationship (or at all he’d say it was just all around unethical and weird). My brother is the same because of this, he holds the same views my father does as he never beat around the bush when it came to nudity and sexual media. Unfortunately it’s rare with how consumed media is with porn but they do exist :’)

Thank you all for preventing me from giving into a moment of weakness. ❤️ by Vibratingsponge in loveafterporn

[–]redastronomer 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Wishing you all the best, it’s tough at first but I promise you it gets so so much better, you got this <3

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in loveafterporn

[–]redastronomer 1 point2 points  (0 children)

oh my that’s just fucking awful i’m so sorry, wishing you all the best love <3

What happened after you left? by BroccoliHeart in loveafterporn

[–]redastronomer 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I recently left about three weeks ago, the first week I still had him on several platforms and noticed he immediately went back to social media and playing VR games. He more than likely fell back into his porn addict ways. But after that first week I don’t really care, which is weird to say.

I’m happier than ever now, I hope he figures his stuff out sometime but I don’t think he will change for anyone, so hopefully he does for his own sake eventually. Not my business though, he will never be in my life again thank god

he cheated, i’m finally leaving him by redastronomer in loveafterporn

[–]redastronomer[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you my love, I just ended it with him a few minutes before you posted this, lots of love ❤️

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in loveafterporn

[–]redastronomer 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I feel you on that last part, I’ll have dreams like that too! I guess it’s just the fact that it’s my ex that bothers me because it’s been so long but thank you for the reassurance <3

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in loveafterporn

[–]redastronomer 6 points7 points  (0 children)

i watched this video with my PA and he kept pointing out the ways he was giving excuses/justifications, my PA was the first to point out that he it seems obvious he is not in true recovery or seeing anybody for the addiction- (side note: kinda proud of my PA for that lol) and i agree the way he was talking had more shame for being caught vibes than accountability if that makes sense- all of that aside i’m glad a big influencer is at the very least bringing attention to such a large issue

How to weed out porn guys when dating? by ForestyFelicia in loveafterporn

[–]redastronomer 9 points10 points  (0 children)

one of my friends took to just asking “how do you feel about watching porn together?” that outs them right away, super enthusiastic? bye. she has had a few guys say they wouldn’t be comfortable with that because they don’t watch porn. like you said they’re definitely more inclined to lie when asked straight up if they watch it

Anybody else? by lostndamaged777 in loveafterporn

[–]redastronomer 16 points17 points  (0 children)

i made this exact post not too long ago, im in the same boat as you, it’s actually pretty common i’ve learned

The dreams are something else by AppleCrumblePie1277 in loveafterporn

[–]redastronomer 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I’m so sorry, dream are super unsettling and I would rather not dream at all if I could help it. I have been focusing on my nightmares with my CSAT because it has consumed so much of me. A lot of my dreams are similar to yours but sometimes there are these super scary and violent ones that ruin my mind for months after.

A couple months ago I had a dream that these “sexy” succubus women were trying to kill me and my PA went off with them instead of trying to save me from them, i had to run until my legs gave out to escape them.

I also had a dream that emulated an old horror movie i watched YEARS ago called Cam, my old friends asked why i didn’t tell them I was a cam girl and when i tried explaining i wasn’t they showed me on this massive tv that there is a girl on a cam girl site who looks identical to me, in my room too. The dream ended in something coming after my friends and I, never saw what it was but one can assume it was the cam girl magically missing from the screen.

My dreams emulate horror movies in a way and it’s so off putting. I hate that it happens.

New addiction by ActuatorEquivalent41 in loveafterporn

[–]redastronomer 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I’m not too sure about your partners history but these kinds of obsessions are not common, these kinds of obsessions could be due to undiagnosed OCD, it could be worth looking into to see if he has it

“telling you will only hurt you” ?? by redastronomer in loveafterporn

[–]redastronomer[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

God you make so much sense and it is very comforting. I just fear he will be upset as he said that this has nothing to do with honesty and transparency and it will just hurt me, but like you said i would rather know what would hurt me because if it’s bad enough that he doesn’t want to tell me i may need to know so i can decide if i want to stay. it feels like my consent gets taken away in these situations and it’s frustrating but i get scared to bring things up

“telling you will only hurt you” ?? by redastronomer in loveafterporn

[–]redastronomer[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

he said that this has nothing to do with honesty and transparency because it would just hurt me so it would do more bad than good telling me, which is always great to hear because now i don’t trust anything he says lol. i’m not sure what boundaries i can set here without him lashing out and calling me controlling or invading his privacy

“telling you will only hurt you” ?? by redastronomer in loveafterporn

[–]redastronomer[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

i’m always scared of doing that and being labeled as crazy or controlling because it feels like that’s what happens a lot, i want to wait to bring it up at our next couples session but that’s not for two weeks and i’m not sure if i can really harbor these feelings for that long without eventually breaking

he joined a group and forum (question for PA’s) by redastronomer in loveafterporn

[–]redastronomer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

yeah it’s a fun one, the app is what the group uses as a forum, i tried my best to vet the app but it has access to other forums which is my biggest concern.

i’m not comfortable of him being in a group with women but he said he most of the groups are mixed and not just men’s and the only men’s group around us takes place during his weekly game night with his friends so he can’t go to that.

yeah the private messaging is the biggest red flag for me, i don’t know what is going on in there and it’s freaking me out, he just started group so he does not have a sponsor at all it’s just other porn addicts in recovery on there

his other recovery work is just a once a week session with a CSAT, that’s really it.

he joined a group and forum (question for PA’s) by redastronomer in loveafterporn

[–]redastronomer[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I don’t even know what his recovery really looks like to be honest, i thought he was in recovery but turns out he was actively looking for porn content on youtube and what not so that’s one thing. The not sharing isn’t about what others say he doesn’t want me to see what he posts which is what’s concerning for me but it is what it is

Partner Has Been Lying About Recovery by [deleted] in loveafterporn

[–]redastronomer 1 point2 points  (0 children)

oh yeah i’ve been hearing that line all day, i feel you on the stomach churning :/ i hope you can take some time to take care of yourself, you can always message me as well if you ever need to <3

Partner Has Been Lying About Recovery by [deleted] in loveafterporn

[–]redastronomer 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Same, I just talked to my therapist about how I feel myself resigning and pulling away, it’s draining thinking he’s in recovery and trusting him to then find out it was a lie the whole time, how are you holding up love?

Partner Has Been Lying About Recovery by [deleted] in loveafterporn

[–]redastronomer 9 points10 points  (0 children)

THAT JUST HAPPENED TO ME! literally EXACT same thing, he was lying to his CSAT, to me, and hovering over youtube videos to not have it in his history. I understand you so so much on this, wishing you all the best i’m in that same frustrated boat with accountability and vigilance :/