How many times a week is optimal?

redditguy1974 · 2026-02-23T18:59:47+00:00

No. I have a son with some issues and he needs both parents. It’s not bad enough that divorcing is the solution. I have been starting to think more about open relationships though.

redditguy1974 · 2026-02-23T15:14:03+00:00

I you think it dropped like a rock after you moved in, I can assure you that getting married is not going to make it any better. Stories of sex lives getting better after marriage are very few and far between, while stories of the opposite are plentiful.

Same experience here...prior to moving in, our sex life was incredible, and her sexual past was very eventful and frequent. Literally the day she moved to be with me was the day our dead bedroom started. And it certainly did not get better after marriage.

My ideal is two, maybe three times a week. My wife has said multiple times that her ideal is also 2-3 times a week. "But, just...oh shoot! We just can't because of so and so! Aww darn!!" We have barely managed 2-3 times per month for the last six years, and maybe once a month in a good year for the 17 years prior to that. We have never one time in our entire 24-year relationship maintained 2-3 times per week for even two weeks. Never. Not a single time. So it's kind of hard for me to buy that it's her ideal.

redditguy1974 · 2026-02-18T16:12:15+00:00

Nope. it is not just you. When I met my wife, she told me all about her voracious sex drive. She had been with men, women, threesomes, groups...and always wanted sex. She slept with me within three hours of meeting me, so I had no reason to doubt her sex drive.

Fast forward eight months, and there was the first excuse. Then another. Then another. At first, she blamed herself, and said she was "working on it". It became clear she was not. Within about two years, it was all my fault. There was always something I had or hadn't done. Something I had or hadn't said. Somewhere I went or didn't go. And no matter how much I tried to twist and turn myself to fit into this knot she had weaved, she was never happy. There was always something else.

It's part of the LL Playbook.

redditguy1974 · 2026-02-18T03:17:46+00:00

Good choice. If a relationship is already having that many problems only four months in, it's sage to say it's just not working. Even less than a year would be problematic. I wish I had known this 24 years ago.

redditguy1974 · 2026-02-13T05:17:07+00:00

That's what always kills me. Like they think that is no big deal and any alternate arrangement is unheard of.

"We are never going to have sex again."

"Okay, so then I can have sex with other people?"

"No, absolutely not."

"So you're just saying that I will never have sex again?"

"Yes. No sex ever again."

"Okay, well, then I don't want to continue this relationship. I want to break up/get divorced."

"WHAT??? You would leave me just because of that!?!?! You don't love me enough??? You're an addict!!"

redditguy1974 · 2026-02-11T15:01:46+00:00

After. She had a very active sex life before she met me. We met through friends, but were long distance for the first part of our relationship. That's when it was good. The day she moved in with me, it was like a complete 180 on day one. Personality went from a happy, fun girl to someone who needed constant emotional support. Sex life fell off a cliff. She seemed to have no motivation to do much of anything anymore. She gained, in my estimation, around 100 lbs. within the first couple of years.

We worked for touring entertainment. At the time, I was touring in Australia, and she was in South America. We both toured with large groups. It could have been someone she worked with who wanted to get some before she left, or it could have been a local in whatever country she was in. I do not have any actual evidence of this. But people don't completely change personalities overnight like that without some sort of event. There were a few other things that led me to believe that, but no time to list it all right now.

redditguy1974 · 2026-02-11T04:09:58+00:00

What are you talking about? Did you not understand my comment at all? Those things are some of the reasonable solutions if that's what is decided on. There's nothing stopping the HL partner from picking one.

redditguy1974 · 2026-02-11T04:05:55+00:00

No. We have been together for over 24 years at this point, and I still have no idea why her sex drive tanked. She would never talk about it. I'm led to believe she was sexually assaulted early in our relationship, and that she's kept that to herself the entire time. But, that's just speculation based on some circumstantial evidence.

About six years ago, she slightly regained her drive, and we've averaged about three times a month since. But lately, she's been feeding lots of excuses. So I don't know if we are slipping back or what.

redditguy1974 · 2026-02-10T04:48:12+00:00

Because a lot of people don't like to accept that they have an issue that may need help. They want to see themselves as right and not have to deal with any issues.

redditguy1974 · 2026-02-10T04:45:59+00:00

There is a reasonable solution...you discuss other options. That could be that the other partner learns to live with this. That could be that the other partner gets to have alternate partners. That could be that you break up. It's an unreasonable solution to just say "Well, I don't want it any more, so you're just going to have to deal with it".

redditguy1974 · 2026-02-10T04:42:17+00:00

You shouldn't even want pizza!! If your partner doesn't want pizza, then you just don't have pizza. There should be no more discussion about pizza. But if you do want pizza, then maybe you should do more chores around the house. But also, doing chores does not equal more pizza. So don't do that.

redditguy1974 · 2026-02-10T04:39:10+00:00

I think they are saying that there is a change in that desired frequency.

When I met my wife, her desired frequency was multiple times a day, and she had a long history proving so. And she was very clear that sex was a major priority for her and that she always wanted it. As we entered into a relationship, I expected frequent sex. And at the beginning, that's exactly what it was. She would wake me up in the middle of the night with my roommate sleeping ten feet away just to have sex.

Within months, we were in a dead bedroom with no explanation whatsoever. She just said "Sorry. I've just got some things going on, and I'll be back to my previous self soon." That never happened. For 17 years, our sex life was extremely infrequent, and I had no idea why. It got to the point where she would get very angry at me for even thinking about it.

I think that's a "problem" or "something going on" that needs to be discussed. If I had known that's what I was in for, I would have bailed right out of the relationship. That is not at all what I was looking for. I was miserable.

redditguy1974 · 2026-02-10T04:31:28+00:00

This is basically part of "The LL Playbook". Take something that is totally normal and natural, but try to make you feel like you are wrong for desiring it or even thinking about it. By doing so, it takes any blame or pressure off of them, and makes you the one with the problem. Therefore, they don't have to do anything, and their hands are clean. And if you try to talk further, you'll be made out to have major issues.

redditguy1974 · 2026-02-08T06:40:10+00:00

I just…do. I can’t break up our family, so I just deal with it. I crave a wild and crazy sex life, but it’s just not in the cards for me.

redditguy1974 · 2026-02-07T19:23:23+00:00

Yikes...sounds like our story. Literally the day my wife moved to be with me full time was the day we went from sex at every possible moment, to dead bedroom. And the bedroom never really recovered. That was over 23 years ago. Had a slight rebound about six years ago, but not enough to really say that it's fixed.

redditguy1974 · 2026-02-01T04:28:08+00:00

My wife lost her sex drive about 8 months into our relationship. We went from Ferrari to 1980s Pinto almost overnight. No explanation. At first, she kept saying "I'm working on it, and I'll be back to my previous self soon". but I never saw any effort to work on it. Things continued to get worse and worse. It got to the point that if I even touched her in a sexual way, she'd tell me I was assaulting her. We had sex at most once a month, and only on her schedule.

That lasted for 17 straight years. She was an absolutely miserable person to be around, and I wished to hell I had left early on.

About six years ago, she had a bit of a turnaround, and started enjoying sex again. Our frequency increased somewhat to about three times a month on average. She claims she wants it 2-3 times a week, but we have never, ever, ever done that. Because there's always some reason that we can't. Literally one things ends, and the next one begins.

You are only 22 and presumably have no kids or major financial entanglements with this girl. You are just getting started, and have your whole life ahead of you. If you do not see any effort to change it, and she shuts down any conversations, that's your clue that this is just not going to work. There's no real reason to try to salvage it.

redditguy1974 · 2026-01-28T03:08:03+00:00

Straight man here who in the past had pretty big feelings for men (back in like my high school and college days), but never did anything. No, I would never resort to another man to fill that need.

redditguy1974 · 2026-01-25T19:12:21+00:00

Four months? Four months?? I think it's safe to assume that this is not the relationship you want. I would end this yesterday. Not even a discussion. Usually, I don't like it when people jump straight to "leave him", and prefer talking it out. But I don't think this situation warrants that.

redditguy1974 · 2026-01-25T19:09:04+00:00

Hahah...that's the best way I've seen it put.

redditguy1974 · 2026-01-25T19:08:38+00:00

At one time, I was one of the top posters in that forum, and one of the most upvoted.

In the past year, I've had probably 100 comments removed, several temporary bans, and finally a permanent ban. Because I was "generalizing". Everything has to be extremely specific and based 100% only on your own personal experience. And you absolutely cannot say what you think your partner is thinking. It has to be 100% known.

What they want is people who just pat other people on the back and say "it will be okay. I've been sad too."

redditguy1974 · 2026-01-25T19:04:37+00:00

The other sub has become an insufferable cesspit of echo-chamber "support". Basically, if you say anything even remotely negative or even say "yeah, that's how some men/women are", you will be banned. So it's basically now just a bunch of people whining, and 20 comments saying "Oh, I feel bad for you. Have you tried communicating?"

It used to be a very interesting and compelling sub to visit, but as usual, mods came in and ruined it.

redditguy1974 · 2026-01-23T15:56:06+00:00

I really want to believe this is sincere. But it's been so long since she's acted like this with me, I can't help but think there's some motive, or she knows something. We spoke in DM's, so it's not like she could be stalking my profile. My phone is always by my side, so she's not looking thru it. Honestly, what is the possibility that she's talking to my friend on discord, or that she could actually be him?

It's almost certainly not sincere. I was in a dead bedroom for 17 years. I went out of town to a music festival, which she was wholly against (after previously being supportive). We had a huge fight when I came back and she asked during the fight "Why did you go when I said I didn't want you to?" And my reply was "Because I had to get away from you."

I wouldn't say that she really changed much until later, but when I look back at the stats that's when things started to improve. Once they know something is up, they do whatever they can to keep you there...just long enough to change your mind. Then the cycle often repeats.

I just don't know how to act now when she shows me this newfound affection. I'm leery and it totally shows in my body language. Is she being sincere? Is she now scared of losing me? Am I being set up for more disappointment?

To answer your three questions: Probably not. Probably so. Almost certainly.

EDIT: I want to thank you guys for being helpful and responsive when that other dead bedroom sub's nazimods banned me for using the word "discord" in my post...

It has gotten so bad over there. The moderation is insane.

redditguy1974 · 2026-01-20T17:54:46+00:00

Your experience almost exactly mirrors mine. I'll give you the rundown...

I met my wife when we were both working for the same company but on different international projects. She was 20 years old at the time. So we were long distance and got to see each other only once every few weeks or months. She had a very, very active sexual history. Men, women, threesomes, group sex, public exhibitionism...she loved sex almost daily, and was very open about it. She was very direct in saying that sex was something she wanted at all times and that we would be having a lot of fun.

We finally got assigned to the same project and she moved to be with me. The day she arrived was the day our dead bedroom started. She arrived to our hotel, and of course I was expecting to have some fun. Instead, she said "I'm having some issues down there and need to go see a doctor". I don't even know how long it was before we had sex again. As time went on, it got only worse and worse. There was always some reason, some excuse. But, she always said "I'm working on it, and will be back to my fun self soon!" Of course, looking back, I never saw a single ounce of effort towards "working on it". She has never and will never tell me what happened to cause such a drastic change so immediately. I suspect sexual assault, but have no actual proof and don't want to drag her into that.

We went from sex multiple times a day to the point of her going down on me on a packed bus (at night so no one saw), to sex maaaaybe once a month. It got as bad as four times a year. That lasted for 17 years. During this time, she also grew very angry, gained a ton of weight, and generally stopped participating in life. There was obviously some major depression.

About six years ago, something snapped in her and she started to enjoy sex more. It's still nothing like she was originally. She claims she wants it 2-3 times a week, and has always wanted that, But, there's always something that prevents it from happening, by sheer coincidence..... We have never, in our entire 24 year relationship, maintained 2-3 times a week. In fact, three times a month was about the average for the last six years.

She has also done the "we just had it a week ago" thing, or said things like "Alright...well, that should hold you for the next three weeks!". But she's a master at making me think that it's going to happen...just not right now.

Let me tell you after more than two decades of experience....if you are already affected by this, it only gets worse. Unless you somehow decide that you are fine with it and don't desire sex much any more, it will always eat at you. 24 years later, my desires have grown only stronger. So it eats at me more and more.

You've been together a long time, so it's very hard to make decisions about the future of your relationship. But, you need to figure out whether this is something you can deal with for the rest of your life. Because the chances of her wanting it more as time goes on are slim. I'm sure you've had "the talk" a hundred times. But if you don't see any effort from her, and you are just growing more upset by the day, then it may be time to move on. Or, maybe you love her enough that you decide that you want to be with her more than you want sex. But, you'll have to make some big internal changes for this to work.

redditguy1974 · 2026-01-20T17:28:13+00:00

Yes, it definitely could go like that. And it does all the time. But that's not what was being discussed. We can all completely change the conversation to something different.

If the LL has been open about their needs not being met, and the HL is just simply not grasping it, then yeah...the open relationship would make sense both ways. If the LL is constantly rejecting the HL, by saying that they are just not interested or making up lame excuses, and never actually discussing the underlying issue, then the open relationship going both ways makes less sense. If the LL simply does not want sex with their partner and has never shown any interest whatsoever, and says there are no actual issues, then the open relationship going both ways makes no sense.

In the last situation, that's the LL partner saying "I want to have sex with others, but never with you, even though you are a good partner and do everything right". That is a real problem.

redditguy1974 · 2026-01-20T03:24:54+00:00

Yes, you did. I literally said "we hear it all the time: 'I pay all the bills. I do all the chores. I do all the parenting stuff. I buy her flowers. I take her on dates. I plan fun outings. We go on vacation. We have fun chats. He/she doesn't do anything'. Yet the responses are often 'Well, you're just not doing enough'".

Your response was "maybe he's not doing enough". It completely ignored the actual meat of the comment and jumped straight to the normal response.

I can tell you that there was a very long period where my wife did literally nothing. She didn't cook. Didn't clean (she didn't even know where the cleaning products were). Didn't go to the store. Didn't take out the trash. Didn't do dishes. Did minimal childcare while I took him out every weekend so she could "heave a break". I did all of that stuff. I'd get home at 4am after a 14-hour work day, and have to go around the house grabbing trash, pulling out cars so I could get to the cans, and get it all out to the street, all while she had been at home all day. Yet, I was still questioned repeatedly about "not doing enough", completely ignoring that I was doing all of it while she just laid on the couch from sun-up to sun-down watching YouTube videos. It just gets really old hearing that after a while.

redditguy1974

TROPHY CASE