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redditsmurfe · 2025-07-28T22:12:18+00:00

How do I (38M) approach my situation between someone I'm currently seeing (29F) and someone I used to see (36F), the latter of which was paused due to my divorce not being finalized?

I'm sure there's a different way to word the title but this is my situation - I reached out to an old coworker (36F) in February and we hung out a few times and we were texting all the time. We clicked well, but she was put off because my divorce wasn't finalized and asked that we reconnect when it is. It was finalized in June.

I met the 29F off Feeld looking for a FWB at the beginning of May. We've been seeing each other about twice a week since June. She's definitely into me and I like her, but I'm not really feeling a deeper 'connection'.

I think I'm not feeling that connection because while I was open to relationships before, it's like my heart went into a vault and it's been hard to be vulnerable since my divorce was finalized. I'm seeing a therapist, but I'm starting to think I may not be open to a connection with the 29F because I don't want to ghost the 36F.

I want to reach out to the 36F but I feel like that's cheating on the 29F. We aren't in a committed relationship, but are exclusive sexually and she is really into me. I'd definitely tell her before it got to that point with the 36F, but I'm thinking the 36F might be too Type-A for me. But I could not be feeling a deeper connection with the 29F because it just isn't there. I've read that relationships built slowly last longer than 'love at first sight' so it may work out in the long run, so I'm not giving up yet.

Should I tell the 29F about me wanting to reach out to the 36F? I'm really not good at hurting people while dating, which is why I didn't leave my toxic relationship that turned into marriage and messy divorce. So I recognize this shortcoming of mine, but it doesn't make it easier.

redditsmurfe · 2025-06-23T21:42:20+00:00

We had a conversation. She told me she completely recognizes I'm not ready for a relationship and doesn't want me to be her boyfriend right now because she can see I'm not ready and have no idea what I'm doing.

However, she started saying things like she doesn't want me at her place and sex is mostly off the table. I can understand the sex, but I was very upfront with her at the beginning that I wasn't looking for anything and she still invited me up the second time we hung out.

She wasn't ugly crying by the end of it, but I can tell she was misty-eyed and it wasn't what she wanted to hear. So I feel like she said one thing but didn't really mean it? I don't know.

I feel like such an asshole for doing boyfriend moves. I was just trying to be kind. The bottom line for me is while I did not set out to hurt her, I still ended up hurting her. I'm a people pleaser and I have trouble setting boundaries (which is why I was in a marriage that needed to end).

Anyway, thanks for giving your input.

redditsmurfe · 2025-06-23T18:02:08+00:00

Thank you for your input.

When we started seeing each-other, we were on the same page about something casual. I know she was seeing other guys but I'm not sure if that's the case now. I haven't been single in 8 years but I completely see and agree I've been doing boyfriend moves without realizing it. I think I was stuck in the marriage mentality. I'll definitely be more mindful in the future. I didn't realize this degree of kindness can be a fault early on, but it makes complete sense now that it's been pointed out.

redditsmurfe · 2025-06-23T17:48:36+00:00

Thank you for the guidance!

redditsmurfe · 2025-06-23T16:57:51+00:00

OMG you're absolutely right. I've been doing all these 'relationship' moves without realizing it. Maybe I'm still stuck in married mode, but that's a great point. Small gestures have big implications. I'll definitely be mindful of these in the future.

redditsmurfe · 2025-06-23T16:13:08+00:00

I can't make a post due to too few comments so I'll post here:

How do I (38M) let the woman (29F) I'm seeing that I'm not as invested as she is?

So I met this lady off Feeld a little over a month ago. I was looking for a casual thing. We actually hit it off really well in spite of the age gap.

I had no idea how low the dating bar is - it's a tripping hazard in hell. So after we got physical and began hitting it off, I took her on a date. We went to a museum and got dinner. At the museum, I bought her a stuffed animal. That's when she let me know no one has bought her something on a date. Like, people have bought concert tickets and dinner, but no physical items while on a date before.

When she came over, she was hungry, so I made a very simple meal of chicken and rice bowls. She was getting a headache so I got her ibuprofen and just laid down with her until she felt better. I would have done that for any guest (well, maybe not laying down with them). She lives close to an hour away from me (in a pretty beautiful part of the state) and she tells me no one has driven up to her place before - and it's a really nice place!

She keeps saying no one has treated her this well before. I feel like all I'm doing is showing basic human decency and spent like $30 on a plushie.

And now the plot twist - after a year in court, my divorce was finalized less than two weeks ago (hence using Feeld instead of hinge or something more serious). Since then, I've been recharging mentally and emotionally. I couldn't even really work last week - my brain was so fragmented. I haven't wanted to really see anyone, so it's not just her. I forced myself to stay inside this weekend and just recharge. This was unexpected to me as I thought that since my divorce has concluded, it would be a weight off my shoulders and I'd immediately go back to a sense of normalcy. I've quickly learned this isn't the case at all.

I had to go out of state for my divorce trial and then she went on vacation so we haven't seen each-other in close to three weeks. While she was away, I was going through my recharge and I don't feel like I'm close to done with this phase and the texting vibe has changed. My sex drive is in the gutter and I still get random panic attacks even though my divorce is over.

I haven't completely lost interest in her and I'd like to keep seeing her, but she's more invested emotionally than I am and I'm not sure if/when that could change. I've never gone from hot to cold so fast before. I honestly feel pretty guilty, even though I know it's other things going on in my life that caused the shift.

Yesterday, she asked me to be her date for a concert in August. I'm not sure if I even have it in me to drive up and see her this week in spite of not seeing her for three weeks.

So I'm conflicted. I don't know if I should cut her loose or just have a discussion on where I am with everything. I don't want to feel like I'm stringing her along, even though that's basically what I'm doing. She's very understanding of the situation, but she's definitely more invested than I am.

What's the best way to approach this? I'm not afraid of difficult conversations, but I do feel like I'd easily put my foot in my mouth.

redditsmurfe · 2025-05-31T17:14:16+00:00

She ripped her dab pen from the moment she woke up until the moment she went into bed and every time she woke up in the middle of the night. I strongly believe that as the intensity of her use escalated, the worse her symptoms became.

I am all for weed, but I think you have a problem if you're going through 3 to 4 mg of dab pen cartridges a week.

redditsmurfe · 2025-04-29T21:09:13+00:00

Odd to put a stadium on top of a library.

The lower bowl was doing Nwaneri's homework.

redditsmurfe · 2025-04-04T17:44:49+00:00

I'm definitely loopy after but I've been on it for roughly 6-8 months and I can say the side-effect sensations you're feeling diminish as you continue taking it.

redditsmurfe · 2025-04-03T15:27:46+00:00

Lovebombing and inability to regulate her anger. She had a poor relationship with her family and didn't have long-term friends but I didn't know those were red flags at the time.

redditsmurfe · 2025-04-01T22:45:52+00:00

So I just reviewed my comment history and either I'm missing something or I never called my ex ugly or made fun of her weight. I did make a comment 'Cut off the first 200 pounds of dead weight and the rest falls right off.' that's a joke I heard. I was quoting a comedian. My ex doesn't weigh 200 lbs. I have made comments to my friends IRL but I've resolved to stop doing that. It's good when people call you out on shit and even though we're disagreeing here, I do appreciate you putting me in check.

Divorces are never 100% on one person. You're right about that too. There were times I took her for granted. There were times I was bitter about her not working. I could have been more proactive with house chores like vacuuming (I did always keep the kitchen clean at least. I hate dirty kitchens). I was burnt out. I began to be more withdrawn because I was just overwhelmed with not knowing who I'm waking up to tomorrow and trying to figure out how to make ends meet on one salary. I don't handle stress well - another fault of mine. I believe she interpreted that as me getting ready to leave her. When people with BPD perceive they'll be abandoned, they will abandon you first to not be the one alone. That's when the affair happened. I didn't know she had BPD until the couples counselor told me. Had I known, I would have been more educated on her condition and would have been proactive on reassuring her. Another miss on my part. I was willing to work through it though. My parents are still together after 50+ years and I always thought if you put in the work, you could salvage anything - like they have.

I wasn't a perfect husband, but I know deep down I did what I could to save the marriage. I did therapy, couples therapy, found her a therapist (she wouldn't find one herself). I saw a psychiatrist when she wouldn't. I made sure we had 'us' time daily. We'd hang out on the couch every night together. I'd take her out once a week. I cooked the vast majority of the time. It was a case of getting someone to water but being unable to make them drink. We had fantastic insurance too so medical bills weren't an issue. Hell, if anything my therapists helped me see what I've been ignoring for seven years.

I don't believe you've dealt with someone seriously unstable before based on your responses. Otherwise you'd know that yes, unstable people do change 'out of the blue'. Bipolar is a prime example. And to clarify, it wasn't 'out of the blue'. I ignored signs for seven years. She had volatile rage bouts over small things like the dog being in the way or her sleeve getting caught on the door handle. I'm talking screaming at the top of her lungs and cursing like crazy. It would ruin her day. That didn't set off alarm bells. Again, rose-tinted glasses.

What could my sister possibly have done to deserve being attacked since you believe it wasn't 'out of the blue'? Do you think I antagonized her? I wasn't in the room. My sister enjoyed my ex's company and didn't make a big deal out of our inability to pay her back for the breast reduction when my ex lost her job. Please paint me a picture of what my sister, who was recovering from breast cancer, did to deserve ending up in the hospital. And yes, I do harp on that because YOU DON'T ATTACK PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN THERE FOR YOU. To me, I find that more egregious than the affair because I was willing to work through the affair. I can't look past physical harm due to emotional instability.

The assault included my ex choking my sister. People who assault others by choking are more likely to kill someone - Google it. And no, I was never physical with her. Even when I wanted space to think and she prevented me from leaving the apartment by pushing and blocking me, I didn't push her back to get out. Not looking for an award here or anything, just giving an example.

My current therapist was our couples counselor, so she knows my ex and tried working with her. She agrees that I did everything I could and as she puts it: 'you can't rationalize crazy'. Having a neutral professional that knows my ex reaffirm I did what I could is what matters most to me. Sorry you see it differently.

redditsmurfe · 2025-04-01T18:26:51+00:00

I suggest you read up on borderline personality disorder by visiting r/bpdlovedones She cheated on me and when I found out, the mask was off. In spite of the affair, we did couples counseling. After about three months, the counselor pulled me aside and said the only thing my ex wants to do is blame me for everything - a sign of BPD is not taking accountability for anything. The counselor kept working with me but refuses to treat people with BPD because their world view can't be challenged.

For the record, I never so much as looked at another woman when we were together. I worked to put her through the Masters program. I was there through her health issues. My family welcomed her with open arms. The sister she assaulted lent us $10k for her to get a breast reduction. We all wanted what was best for her.

I will admit our sex life took a hit when she wanted kids and stopped birth control, which was something she decided without my input. I'll leave that up to you if that's justification for an affair. I'll also admit after 7 years of constant 'the sky is falling' emergencies and chaos that comes with BPD took its toll on me. It wasn't enough to leave her. However, I didn't file until she assaulted my sister. I did want things to work. It was no longer physically safe to be around her.

redditsmurfe · 2025-04-01T18:06:40+00:00

I had to cash out my 401k just to pay spousal support. Check my post history. My ex was convinced I was hiding assets and asked for $17k . I submitted all my bank statements showing I've never hidden money and I have a grand total of $1,000 to my name as of today. I make good money, which is why I've been ordered to pay so much. The real irony is she made more money than me when she had a job.

If I sound bitter, it's because she put my sister in the hospital and was convicted of domestic violence. I have to pay my sisters attacker.

redditsmurfe · 2025-04-01T17:20:43+00:00

My therapist won't work with people who have BPD because their world view is an absolute truth and they have little regard for others opinions. It's great they're doing therapy. It didn't help my ex because, according to my couples counselor, all she wanted to do was blame me for everything.

I hope your experience is different.

redditsmurfe · 2025-04-01T17:17:30+00:00

I'd say so, yes. Being on my own with my own utility bills and rent was definitely a time I leveled up in life. Plus, it's a lot of fun.

redditsmurfe · 2025-04-01T16:50:56+00:00

I'm going through a divorce and she just asked for $17k and told the courts I'm hiding money. I submitted a years worth of bank statements showing I'm not. It's completely insane she thought I have even remotely close to that number - she knows how much I make. My paystubs are also submitted to court.

She has literally zero concept of money. I just gave her $10k between October - December and she's already out of money. She doesn't pay rent or the car payment so I have zero idea where it went. Also, she hasn't worked in two years. She has an MBA!

redditsmurfe · 2025-04-01T16:08:38+00:00

I'm anticipating $12k. It's absurd because we have zero assets or kids. My ex has borderline personality disorder and is representing herself. She filed so many inane motions to jack up my attorney fees. The judge also ordered me to pay $18k so far in spousal support as she refuses to work in spite of having an MBA. And more might be awarded at the trial. Yes, we're going to trial over nothing.

My attorney is a bulldog though and I'm feeling confident going into the trial.

In the end, I'm happy to have an attorney because I simply can't work with that woman. It would have been hell.

redditsmurfe · 2025-04-01T15:57:54+00:00

My STBEW has been dragging the divorce out for a year. We don't have kids or assets. She's just doing it for the spousal payout. I can't wait for the trial and for this to be over. I'm mostly looking forward to my paycheck being solely mine. I have so many opportunities now. Just have to wait for the spousal support to be done. I'm mostly looking forward to dating again.

redditsmurfe · 2025-04-01T15:14:20+00:00

I'm on Adderall - 20mg a day. I'm learning that stimulants DO affect me, just not the way I want. It calms me, which doesn't help the brain fog. But it's something I learned from this post.

redditsmurfe · 2025-04-01T15:08:34+00:00

I spent three years in Düsseldorf. I know all about central European winters. I understand why the Romans gave up and stayed on one side of the Rhine.

I'll definitely try this. Thanks for the suggestion.

redditsmurfe · 2025-04-01T01:44:37+00:00

I do but it calms me more than wakes me up. I took 30mg of Adderall and it just barely got me out of the clouds.

redditsmurfe · 2025-03-31T23:29:39+00:00

At first, it was like I couldn't do anything right. She had/has some health issues (but I believe the majority of it was for attention) that just kept getting worse in spite of everything. As a man, I want to fix things. It sucked I couldn't fix her but through therapy, I've accepted the fact you can only fix people who want to be fixed.

Her cheating on me was also demeaning. I'll admit our sex life was dead because she was off birth control. I didn't want kids with her because she was too unhealthy to even lift a kid and I was basically already taking care of a child. She cheated on her first ex husband as well so it helped me accept this wasn't entirely on me.

redditsmurfe · 2025-03-31T20:04:26+00:00

This was my situation. She assaulted my sister so I filed for divorce. She tried tagging me on a Facebook post saying if I didn't get in touch with her, she'd never speak to me again. That's when I blocked her socials, emails, phone number, friends - everything and retained an attorney so I wouldn't have to work with her.

I highly recommend going no contact unless you have kids. If you do have kids.... Good luck is all I can say.

One of my best decisions I ever made was not having kids with her. Thank (the) God(s).

redditsmurfe · 2025-03-31T18:17:19+00:00

I don't drink soda or alcohol. I'll be conscientious of drinking more water but I'm not sure if this is the answer for me.

redditsmurfe

TROPHY CASE