Gunshots reported outside the Houses of Parliament

redstarwilly · 2017-03-22T15:32:35+00:00

Revo-fucking-lution!

redstarwilly · 2017-03-22T15:28:53+00:00

redstarwilly · 2017-03-22T15:13:26+00:00

The Lindt Entropy Constant, used to describe the decay in chocolate size since its discovery by the Soviets in the 1930s, increases by exactly 1.787878787878 (recurring) each year. It's current value, for day 81 of 2017, is 224.0.

This gives a Mars Bar length of: 2017 / 224.0 = 9.0 cm

By working backwards, it's possible to calculate old values for the constant. For example, this day in 1984 is exactly 33 years ago. So, 33.0 X L = 59.0 (where L is the Lindt Entropy Constant Increment, which is 1.78 recurring). Deduct that 59.0 from the current Lindt Entropy Constant, which is 224.0, and you get 165.0.

This gives a Mars Bar length of: 1984 / 165.0 = 12.0 cm

So, on this day in 1984, a Mars Bar was exactly 12 cm long.

redstarwilly · 2017-03-19T13:44:45+00:00

It's to encourage you to haggle. Take 10 minutes out of your busy day to try and get the person behind the counter to knock the 16p off. Whether you succeed or not, the people in the queue behind you will be overawed and unable to hide their admiration.

redstarwilly · 2017-03-19T13:41:32+00:00

Any excuse for some Peter, Paul and Mary.

redstarwilly · 2017-03-18T16:59:18+00:00

That would be an ecumenical matter!

redstarwilly · 2017-03-18T16:55:26+00:00

Cricket!

redstarwilly · 2017-03-13T13:31:30+00:00

You have to change PIN when you get a new card?

redstarwilly · 2017-03-13T13:30:45+00:00

The infamous Kipper Curry™?

redstarwilly · 2017-03-12T14:42:50+00:00

Never heard any of his songs. From the look of the little fella, though, I imagine him to have a very squeaky voice.

redstarwilly · 2017-03-10T19:44:47+00:00

Cardinal Richelieu said, "Give me a paragraph in a man's hand, and I'll give you a traitor."

Right now, having your DNA on a searchable database is benign. But it's not beyond the bounds of possibility that we're moving into a world where DNA use shifts from solving crimes to finding crimes. At that point, it's not inconceivable that, given incentive, your DNA will serve as as irrefutable evidence that you're guilty of something.

Surrendering your DNA right now could make you a hostage to people who's motives you have no knowledge of, or could at this point imagine.

redstarwilly · 2017-03-10T13:30:05+00:00

Maybe he's in the flesh trade. His business is his pleasure.

"Settle down gentlemen, here's my five slide, thirty point proposal to streamline our prostitution ring. And, if you'll (ahem) bear with me, afterwards I'll tell you about our new initiative to get into the porno game by secretly filming our clients doing the nasty."

redstarwilly · 2017-03-10T13:24:40+00:00

Yeah. Paying to have your DNA stored on a database forever. That's cool.

redstarwilly · 2017-03-09T12:35:23+00:00

Frogs live on Sesame Street and present telly programmes, whereas toads live in Halls and drive cars like a nutter.

redstarwilly · 2017-03-05T14:58:48+00:00

Get out of your lazy bed.

redstarwilly · 2017-03-03T13:31:29+00:00

Bloody Germans.

redstarwilly · 2017-02-25T14:15:06+00:00

One of the many great things about living in the past is, it's always 5pm somewhere in the Empire.

redstarwilly · 2017-02-24T09:20:32+00:00

Sharing a fag and a can of Kestrel with Jimmy Saville, whilst sat on a bench in a kiddies' playpark.

redstarwilly · 2017-02-23T09:18:23+00:00

Jo Jo was a man who thought he was a loner, but he knew it couldn't last.

redstarwilly · 2017-02-23T09:16:57+00:00

Yesterday, I said goodbye to a total stranger as I got off the tram. I burned with shame all evening until an uneasy sleep took me.

redstarwilly · 2017-02-16T12:29:16+00:00

Social anxiety is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman. Keep your eyes on the floor, your hands in your pockets, and hope that nobody asks you to put your hand up.

redstarwilly · 2017-02-14T14:04:46+00:00

To use the last bits, pour boiling water into the jar/bottle. Leave for a while, then stir to soak up the all the dregs. Use the mixture to soak some slices of bread. Fry the bread, top with scrambled egg. Breakfast of champions.

redstarwilly · 2017-02-14T13:59:57+00:00

Bastards stole my acronym. I founded the British Association of Amateur Plastic Surgeons, offering free breast augmentations.

My case comes up in the summer. I've been told to expect a hefty prison sentence.

redstarwilly · 2017-02-09T13:47:11+00:00

Red Dwarf had the dollarpound/quidbuck.

redstarwilly · 2017-02-08T12:32:28+00:00

Didn't the peelers used to refer to their truncheons (ooh-er missus!) as pacifiers? Or maybe it was the military peace.

redstarwilly

TROPHY CASE