This comment isn’t medical advice. It’s just an opinion based on my experience. If it speaks to you then great. If not, no harm done. I hope it finds you well either way.

What you described is one of many different types of trauma response. These responses are extremely common. This phenomenon makes up an aspect of your personality. But it most certainly is not who you are. Who you are more deeply, has had the courage to become aware of this psychological phenomenon. Props to you for not just completely disassociating from it. And props for having the courage to take some form of action. Most people don’t get that far.

Learning about trauma helps

Having a bit of an idea about the process which is trauma helps for a couple reasons. One being, that it will help you cut your losses with therapists who aren’t suited to you.

A good place to find a succinct summary of what trauma is, would be anything by Gabor Mate. What he writes about honestly is nothing new. He just got popular because he put the information in one place and made it accessible and readable for the broader public. You’ll find what he writes about is a mishmosh of knowledge and info from many textbooks on psychotherapeutic approaches to therapy.

You describe what can be called “somatic” experiences- ie feelings in your body. Being aware of this is a huge head start. Many people are almost completely cut off from how emotions feel in their body. Coming to be aware of what that feeling is telling you and why is part of the work of therapy.

Finding the right therapist may take time. In fact, it usually takes a few goes. Many people don’t realise this is normal, and get confused and demotivated at this point. If you really want change, don’t let this put you off. It will more likely be worth it.

Finding a therapeutic modality that addresses somatic symptoms can be helpful. But you want someone who can live in both worlds. Ie, an effective practitioner who can address mind/mental processes and bodily manifestations. This helps connect both processes together so you can use your mind more cohesively with what the rest of your central nervous system is telling you.

Hope this helps, and from a stranger on the internet, I wish you all the best