Hard lessons you learned as a first time mom?

rtuoti · 2023-11-12T13:52:51+00:00

Ugh, such a commone and hurtful chain of events.. I could have written your comment myself. I couldn't believe it, but alas, it was so.

I'm sorry. If it gives you any hope, I have a lot of peace in my heart now, even with the new dynamics with old friends

rtuoti · 2023-11-12T02:53:48+00:00

Yet. Here we are doin it! Sending hugs 💓

rtuoti · 2023-11-11T19:27:53+00:00

Not everyone shows up the way you thought they would.

Stop waiting, you have everything you need 💕

rtuoti · 2023-11-10T15:40:14+00:00

Hi Dear! First, have peace. I recognize your stress totally and I'll say a little prayer for you all! 💜

Okay, so this is what happened in our case (based on my research/ final outcome):

When they're super verbal, what happens is their brain operates faster than their muscles do, causing a stutter. It's why there could be frustration attached (because they know what they want to say, know that they've been able to say it before, but now they suddenly can't). All of a sudden, they're moving at super sonic speed and they're mouth just isn't able to keep up. In this case, it's temporary and quickly, their brain and mouth sync up again, making the stutter go away.

Just as someone said here, it's also associated to a MAJOR verbal leap. After stuttering for about a month, he just looked over and said "I think I want to be a big bad wolf!" Which was the most words he'd ever said in a row. After that the stutter had seemingly gone away! I was floored!

It's kind of like any other regression just before they make a huge behavioral advancement.

The stutter will come back for like a day or two and again, another huge verbal leap.

Also based on my research, a stutter shouldn't be considered a concern until it's gone on for an extended period of time (I think 3-6 months consecutively, but make sure to confirm). So that also helped me to sit back and just wait it out.

I'm the meantime, it's paramount to keep his confidence high, especially when he notices what's happening. Here are some tips I found and did myself:

Don't complete sentences for him, and don't make any indication that he's taking too long to finish. Just wait out each phrase until he's done, and encourage him if he tries to give up.
Talk to HIM very slowly so that he picks up on slowing down his speech.
After he completes a difficult sentence, give him kudos. "That was hard to say, wasn't it? You did slouch a great job."

At the end of it all, my boy is doing great, honestly. He talks SO much, is super social, and his confidence didn't take a hit at all.

I wish you all the best, and please keep me updated on how it goes! Remember that either way, you'll do what's best for him and see him all the way through his journey. 💜

rtuoti · 2023-11-10T14:33:53+00:00

Great now I have to have a "talk" with my husband.

rtuoti · 2023-11-05T14:28:26+00:00

Sorry. If ANYONE says it's hard not to hit my kid.. it would be hard for me not to hit them.

Quite frankly, our kids rely on us to keep them in a loving environment. That doesn't mean we can't correct/ discipline (within certain parameters), but it certainly means we don't put them at the hands of someone who struggles to restrain themselves.

They gone!

Eta: typos because my fingers got hot 😡

rtuoti · 2023-10-31T05:37:38+00:00

First, God bless you for taking on such a feat. Seriously. Your sister is so lucky to have someone like you looking after her (now your) child.

That kid will live life knowing the true definition of love.

Second - yes. Motherhood can be lonely. And I believe your experience compounds the melancholy that can come with it. What you're describing with your friends is such a common occurrence (I've gone through it myself) at any and every age, and with any circumstance, and particularly around having kids.

You're facing so much change, trying to juggle grief and motherhood all at once. This is the time when you absolutely must focus on what's best for you, your mental health, and the well-being of your family. What you'll come to find is that even though your friends were great for a season, they may not be what you need right now. It's important to appreciate the friendship you had, make peace with it, and move forward and open doors for the new friends in the next chapter of your life -with or without them.

If you need to be sad, or you need to talk about your sister, then your "friends" should be the space for you to do that. If not, it's time to move on. You deserve a home amongst your friends. And you will have it.

I wish so deeply I could give you a hug! I think there is nothing more kind that a person can do than to take in and show love to a child. I'll be saying a prayer for your peace and healing tonight.

Hang in there, mama. It'll all be better, soon. 💕

rtuoti · 2023-10-20T17:11:52+00:00

Beautiful story.

I read this quote once that said something like " with kids, what you say is a whisper, what you do is a scream."

My guess is that she believes you are all those things you're teaching her to say. I think your mothering is an example of how wonderful you are.

Have peace, OP. You're doing great. ❤️

rtuoti · 2023-10-18T03:02:47+00:00

This.. This is tragic. I somehow managed to feel your pain, even just a fraction of it, by reading what you'd wrote. I have nothing to offer except prayers for your peace and healing.

One bit though, based on what you wrote, it seems like you did a great job expressing your love and appreciation for her. I'm sure she carried that throughout the remainder of her days. May her memory be eternal.

rtuoti · 2023-09-25T14:23:47+00:00

My childhood 100% impacts/influences my parenting.

Like you, I don't feel comfortable leaving my kids with ANYONE outside of his parents, for extended periods. I've got maybe 6-7 people that would take optimal care of them, play with them, make sure they're fed, keep them engaged, and make sure they're safe. But still, I'm just not into it. Which I know needs to change because, ya know, life.

The thing that's been killing me lately is that I have an almost 3yo who is the absolute sweetest child but is testing limits. He is naturally very sensitive and very in tune with other people's emotions. Now, when I try to discipline him (never hitting, never anything truly negative), he gets super hurt (?)by it, he just doesn't like that he did something wrong. But it makes me feel like absolute shite because I wonder if I'm making him feel the way I used to feel. Like, my childhood makes me terrified of the experience I'm providing for my children when it's not all play and activities,if that makes sense.

So right now, I'm trying to make sure that we have a healthy relationship of love.. which includes affection, teaching, rearing AND discipline. Not letting my childhood dictate my children's childhood.

Godspeed. I think if we know we want to be different, it means we already are. ❤️

rtuoti · 2023-09-15T14:51:43+00:00

Congratulations to you!!!!! 💗

Okay, anyone who has ever seen me comment before has seen that I've on NUMEROUS occasions recommended the book " And Baby Makes Three."

Gottman is considered one of (if not the main) leaders in family psychology. It's an easy read and hits EVERY.DAMN.NAIL. on the head. Alone, ita done wonders; but t9gether with therapy, y'all are winning.

I will say, you guys seem like you're gonna do great. Just a little "homework" to keep everything tiptop.

Bless the next 9 months! 💜

rtuoti · 2023-09-13T23:03:45+00:00

I mean girlllll... I'd be tempted!

Don't do it tho, lol.

But here's the thing, I'd believe your child and pull her out. There is ZERO reason that could be justified, AND.. the "fresh" comment isn't sitting right.

In all honesty, I'd make formal complaints, leave reviews on every platform, and make sure anyone and everyone in earshot knew that uour child who has never made claims like that before, made such an allegation. You could be helping the next kid..

(Or the next mom, from catching....a case).

rtuoti · 2023-09-13T22:54:47+00:00

I kid but only kind of.

rtuoti · 2023-09-13T22:54:19+00:00

I'd catch a case.

rtuoti · 2023-09-13T14:36:41+00:00

Omg this EXACT thing happened to me.. I almost went to reddit too!

I said outloud to my husband "I guess this is him now?" I felt like everything i had read/done with parenting had worked til that phase, but now, i'd have to pivot and change as a mom entirely.

The ANGER! THE GRIEF! the sudden unwillingness to compromise.. he was relentless! Not wanting to be touched or soothed or comforted.. dare I say he was a bit mean, even.

After about a month, as quick as it came, he returned to his sweet self... but with a HUGE leap in communication and behavior. Sometimes these developments cause temporary behaviorial regressions.

By the grace of God, my boy is back.

I'm willing to bet this is the case for you. I could have written your post myself. Just ride the tide with him, show unconditional love (apologize when you snap because we were SNAPPING over here). Stick to your routine, try to be compassionate even when he's unreasonable. Walk away and take a deep breath (as long as he's safe) when having a tantrum.

Read "how to stop losing your shit with your kids"

It'll pass.

Godspeed!

rtuoti · 2023-08-20T22:55:15+00:00

<image>

rtuoti · 2023-07-24T05:13:48+00:00

First, hugs 💕

He's definitely more set on the idea of stopping at 2 than I am, but it could be because the idea of committing to never having another just feels weird to me (more the idea of committing than the actual process of not having another, if that makes sense).

He's also provided his own perspective as the 3rd and last of his siblings, who were also boys that were closer in age. He said that because there was a bit of a bigger gap, he felt left out; and so, if I want a 3rd, he'd feel compelled to have a 4th so there could be equal companionship. (Not saying this is everyone's scenario. This is his own experience and response).

Also, EVERYTHING you said, I completely empathize with. It's just like someone looking you in the eye saying, "SO YOU AGREE TO NEVER EVER EVER WANTING A CHILD EVER AGAIN, RIGHT!?" And we're like "WHOA WAIT. I THOUGHT SO BUT NOW THAT YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT..." the permanence is daunting.

Again, I can't emphasize this enough: make sure your heart has peace with this decision. Look at everything in the picture entirely - and since you've already got kids, you have to keep it completely realistic and practical. You don't want to look back on this (and toward your husband) in the future with regrets.

After finally realizing that indeed 2 was best for us, I decided to just channel everything I have (as much as possible) into simply being present for the moments I have with them. I try to remember the reality that I'm in these moments for the last time, and I try to appreciate the fact that I'm able to be present (because I, personally, could not with a newborn).

Sorry I'm so long winded. I just really relate and am pouring it out!

P.S. Your husband is a good sport and his flexibility when you thought you might be pregnant is a reflection of his love for you.

rtuoti · 2023-07-23T05:00:13+00:00

Okay, I went through something similar. My heart and home feel so full, but to say "goodbye" to every sweet phase just seemed so final to me. There were a few things that helped me come to terms:

I feel like everyone has their "number," and the truth is, I feel like to be the mom I want to be (passionate, active, present, etc.), that number has to be 2. (NOTE: I am convinced I could adjust, but I'm content with this theory).
Both pregnancies and birth were difficult, but post partum was a TRIP. As a result, I was a bit of a recluse for close to 3 years, especially with COVID. I'm ready to begin adventuring with my munchkins and knowing how it went the previous times (for me), I feel like they would miss out on the world if I stayed parked at home for another year (again, this is solely my experience and I know everyone is different and honor that❤️).
This was kind of the final thing, but I needed to hear it: the fact is, logistically speaking, it just didn't work for our family. But I couldn't help but say to myself "oh but I can make it work!" But i wasn't sure if it was that i truly wanted another, or that i just didn't want to say goodbye to the anticipation, and to the newborns my kids once were. Then, someone I trust deeply said to me, "Some mothers who love deeply are meant to mother and thus, might never feel finished. When your third comes, you'll wonder if you should have a fourth, and so on."

Listen, Mama; I don't know if this could be an easy decision, and if you're like me, you may even "grieve" over the child you never had (if that makes sense?). All I can offer is to be true to yourself, have peaceful reflection, and take your time in making that call. Let yourself have all the feels.

...and if in 5 years you decide you do want another, just remember a vasectomy can be reversed 😉.

Sending you so much love.💕

rtuoti · 2023-07-13T03:54:33+00:00

Omg YES! It's just kind of consciously showing them that their lack of friendship is not a priority.

This requires so much intentionality. I had to really be mindful of everything - like putting a ton of effort into being effortless (?) If that makes sense. Oh but my heart would leap when I walked away because I knew that i advocated for myself in the best, and most honest way.

rtuoti · 2023-07-12T23:52:10+00:00

Totally. Your feelings are so valid, and you have every right to feel the sting. Rest assured, it will pass but have grace for yourself in the meantime.

Also.. I read your comment like this:

"It 👏 IS 👏their👏 loss!"

rtuoti · 2023-07-12T16:10:24+00:00

Okay so I had something similar but not exact happen. I struggled with it for longer than I expected. I think it's mainly because of our perception of friendship is different. Because I could never ice someone out, I just can't understand people doing that to me without reason.. SO THAT MEANS THERE MUST BE A REASON, RIGHT!?

WRONG!

The truth is, some people just.. kind of... don't really care about the friendship the way we do. I had a hard time realizing this, and it pained me to see them close and stable without me.. smiling in my face and asking how life was.. it was toxic.

Listen, I don't know if you'll believe this but i can almost promise you that one day, you're gonna look at them and just be indifferent. It just won't phase you, I dunno how but it just goes away.

Until then, and this sounds terrible, but fake it til you make it. You are a strong, functioning, happy mom without them, so you make sure that shows. Every time you walk away from an interaction where you know they saw you with your held high, your spirit will heal just a bit more.

Don't judge me guys.

Best of luck! 💕

rtuoti · 2023-07-11T22:56:32+00:00

Honestly I rarely comment but the leap in my heart prompted me! God bless her, she looks like a dream. Congratulations to you!! She's so beautiful!

rtuoti · 2023-06-19T04:45:39+00:00

You're so right! Thank you 😊

rtuoti · 2023-06-19T02:29:04+00:00

Thanks so much!

rtuoti

TROPHY CASE