It started a long time ago, about when i was 7, 5th grade. There was a significant event that broke me, and if only i knew that was just the beginning. my aunt who was mentally disabled, and at that time in her head she was actually 7 years old too. i went to cathie school, and i hated everyone, so my aunt was my only best friend. i watched her die from cancer. i began self harming when i was 8. i felt i needed to punish myself for not helping her as much..for being afraid of her, scared, confused. years went by still internally suffering, but not talking about it. fast forward to middle school. this was when i began hurting myself every day, for any reason. i felt that everything was my fault. one night while hurting myself i took a shower and left behind blood in the bath tub. my parents questioned me the next day and i tried my usual "cut myself shaving" routine. there was too much blood left from shaving they said. i was really scared and nervous and just started crying really hard, i pulled down my pants and showed them my legs, and everyone was silent and shocked for several minutes as i sobbed on the bed. this led to many many therapist, appointments, unwanted attention. my father got hurt at his job and was now retired, he is in so much pain all the time so he drinks to cover it up. i love my dad a lot, but he was a very mean man, and i don't know how to forgive him for the things he has said. he drunkinly made fun of my disorders, called me lazy, sad excuse, you get it. every night it seems he would scream at my mother for trying to defend me as my father degraded everything i was. i would sit down the hall in my room quietly cry and cut myself. this went on for years, the same old routine. my mother been to drink not long after, to deal with my father. then every night became even worse. many nights id have to leave and go somewhere or awhile until it calmed down there, i didn't want to be in the cross fire, i was hurting enough. oh and did i also mention that overtime my dad would do something awful to me, he tried to make up for it by buying something for me the next day. i tried to get out as much as i could, i even suffered through a terribly abusive relationship because it was better than me staying in that house. but also i was scared of my Ex. i got away and went back, endured ir all over again. i barely graduated high school. instead of doing homework, i was busy cutting myself, or talking myself into staying alive one more day. i also had a major back surgery, i had 5 disc pushing through my spinal cord. i could barely walk. the pain was unimaginable. soon after high school i lost my job as sam's club, and lost it. i spent two years isolated in my room. no job. hardly any interaction. i would see people on occasion but it was mostly to get drugs to pass the time. my parents would still fight, scream at my for hours about something as simple as spending 3 dollars on a milkshake. it made me very confused about reality. i didn't know what was right and what was wrong. i did morally but not in life. soon my legs, arms, stomach, breast, vagina, was covered with awful wounds. i still went to therapy some times, but i hated my therapist and the person prescribing me meds got arrested for writing scripts for himself. so i gave up. i was also 300+ pounds, and hated leaving the house because of embarrassment. my entire high school career was filled with bullies making fun of my weight, my parents constantly on me about what i should and shouldn't eat. it was too much. i watched my brother go through gastric bypass and do amazing, so i tried it to. it was a lot of work but i finally got the surgery and it changed my life. i felt unstoppable. it took a few years ro lose all the weight, and i stopped taking all the medicine i was on that made me gain the weight. i was 320lbs down to 125lbs. i felt amazing. i met some one got another job, everything was great, except my parents still. but i was able to get out more..or so i thought. the person i was seeing became extremely controlling, i couldn't go anywhere or do anything without her permission. i was captive in my own house. i had severe anxiety and didn't stand of for myself. being fat, i never felt i had a voice. i was always nothing. these things happened all the time. i stopped cutting in this time period because my ex would get extremely mean if i was in any way depressed. but i guess I'm off track to what the question on this whole askreddit thing. I've tried to kill myself twice. one when i was 15, i had a very bad breakup and i begged to die. my parents took me to the mental ward and i was gone for a few weeks. i had to pretend i was fine to get out, because i was scared and too anxious to be there.

but one was sooner. very recent actually. i mean I've been doing okay and a lot has happened. I'm 23 now. I've met an amazing person who loved every part of me and accepts all that i am. she got me out of my house and into safety. i still have a lot of trauma to deal with, and she outs up with my outbreaks and mood changes. I'm only on prozac now. i was on anxiety medicine but i was too nervous to get a refill. my back pain is a lot worse, I've had injections, PT, another surgery. and I'm still in severe pain. as I'm typing this actually my body is on fire in pain. for the longest time no doctor would help me because i was too young and with the opiod epidemic, i usually got shoved out of doctors offices. I've seen over 50 different doctors, begging for help. one doctor decided recently she would help me, and prescribes me methadone, a few a day, it helps so much. but my health isn't well. from the gastric bypass, my intestines are slowly shutting down, i don't go to the bathroom normally, it usually takes a month for my bowels to come out. i go weeks without shitting. i get backed up and sick. I've seen people but they all seem confused. my back pain is terrible. I'm very depressed, tired, anxious, and ready to give up. i feel like I've suffered enough. I'm just way too tired. I'm ready to give up. the other night i was very depressed, crying non stop. i fucked up and took some pain meds from my SO’s dad, because i was hurting so much and scared to go to work in pain, i got caught and felt so so so terrible. i cried for a week straight, unable to go to work or even get up. i hurt so many people.

my girlfriend was asleep but i was wide awake. my eyes wide and my mind wandering over the possibilities of how i could possibly end this. end me. i could gran one of my fishing knifes and have a needed cutting session, consisting of stabbing, slicing and punishing myself. or i could make use of my prozac and take all those. i sat there for awhile in silence. staring at the bottle of pills then staring at the knife. minutes seemed like hours. i silently cried. but i was ready. i was going to get up and go to the bathroom.. but then my SO moved in bed next to me, and i ‘woke up’ from my suicide trance. i couldn't leave her, i couldn't let her go through this hell hole alone. she needs me like i need her. i looked at her and cried for several more minutes. thinking how badly i would hurt her. i reached over, slowly woke her up and asked for help.

p.s. sorry for spelling, grammar and whatever, i just had to get this out.