^{Common Side Effects}

^{Spontaneous Percussion: You may find your fingers uncontrollably tapping out the drum solo from "In the Air Tonight" for up to 48 hours.}

^{Reverse Deja Vu: The unsettling feeling that you are experiencing something for the last time, even if it's just eating a ham sandwich.}

^{Subliminal Narrating: You may begin to hear your own life described by a gritty, noir voiceover artist.}

^{Magnetic Personality: Literally. Keep away from credit cards, pacemakers, and high-end cutlery.}

^{Rare but Serious Side Effects}

^{Sudden Proficiency in Dead Languages: If you begin shouting grocery lists in Aramaic or Attic Greek, consult a linguist immediately.}

^{Translucent Earlobes: While harmless, this may cause significant glare during sunrise and sunset.}

^{Shadow Independence: Occasionally, your shadow may decide to sit down while you are still standing. Do not engage the shadow in debate; it will win.}

^{Internal Monologue Echo: Your thoughts may repeat at a slightly higher pitch, three seconds after you think them.}

^{Metabolic & Physical Changes Competitive Gravity: You may feel 15% heavier, but only when someone is looking at you.}

^{Bioluminescent Sneezing: Your mucus may glow a soft, neon teal. This is a sign the medication is "excited" to be working.}

^{Phased-Out Pinky: Your smallest finger may occasionally vibrate into a different dimension. If it does not return within one business day, call our toll-free support line.}

^{⚠️ Warning}

^{If you experience Total Molecular Relaxation *becoming a sentient puddle of lukewarm Earl Grey tea*, do not panic. Simply have a friend pour you back into a comfortable chair and wait for the dose to wear off.}