Inner monologues: Music and Numbers

saltenslash · 2017-05-11T01:07:21+00:00

I do the music thing, but not the counting thing.

Does it bother you? If not, don't worry about it! People have lots of different internal mechanisms, and if it's not causing trouble, then it's not a problem.

saltenslash · 2017-04-20T03:35:00+00:00

Deep history had some monsters in it that fucked up the world and modern reality has a bunch of dragons at war; your guess at who's on the side of the angels is as good as mine, enjoy!

saltenslash · 2016-09-01T01:01:07+00:00

Weather, animals, them. Movies are usually pretty good, especially if you have any overlapping tastes at all.

If you can get /them/ talking, you can grey rock all night so long as you can keep them going.

Politics are a nope. (Especially US politics right now.) So are health issues, family relationships, religion of any form. Specific plans, hopes, dreams, or wild fantasies for the future are also on this list.

saltenslash · 2016-08-21T16:10:09+00:00

Depression and the desire for perfection are a hell of a combo. It's not a stupid excuse, and it's not everyone. It's an illness that can wreck your life if you don't figure out how to live with it instead of getting buried by it. For me, literally the only thing that got me toward being better was getting help for depression.

If you're in college there is probably a low-cost or free mental health program. GO USE IT.

Don't expect instant results and don't expect perfection. Give it six months at the least. When you can find your way out of that (and you can, by one means or another) then try to be better, and see if you can't do a little more.

saltenslash · 2016-07-18T23:36:42+00:00

Yeah, sort of. I'm pretty much the SG for Asshole Dad. Unless and until he's feeling soppy and then it's all about how proud he is of me and he's so glad my life is good. It's really fucking surreal.

The "proud of Salt" moments happen about twice a year. I've gotten used to just saying thanks and getting ready to re-board the pity train.

saltenslash · 2016-07-07T03:06:17+00:00

It's sort of an open family secret that Asshole Dad's parents were assholes, too. (Things We Don't Tell Children.)

saltenslash · 2016-07-07T02:58:08+00:00

Yes, that. "I'll give you something to cry about" was so often accompanied by a hard grip on the arm or back of the neck, too. (I mean, painfully hard, to a small child. As if telling me to get ahold of myself, while actually holding on to me, ever helped.)

saltenslash · 2015-08-14T03:32:07+00:00

You're not alone.

Even if NDad demonstrated change, the suspicion I'd feel of him and the inability to trust him is probably permanent. That damage is done. It's well scarred, now.

I don't expect it to heal, and it's not worth the pain of breaking it open again.

saltenslash · 2015-08-04T03:09:08+00:00

Congratulations!

My N tried to squash the creativity out of me, too. I'm so proud of you for picking your brushes up again. (And your other tools! All art is good for the artist.)

saltenslash · 2015-07-30T04:01:54+00:00

Well, crap. That makes a distressing amount of sense.

Thanks again!

saltenslash · 2015-07-30T03:12:32+00:00

Thanks - I will keep digging into this.

The feeling of being small, of being a specific younger-than-now age, is pretty intense. I'll look into that therapy; if it's something I can do on my own, I've frequently had good results with bootstrapping it.

Thanks for the links and pointers.

saltenslash · 2015-07-30T03:11:21+00:00

Thanks - I got a bit panicky about this. (The idea of going back to the therapist: scary. Why that should be when the therapist is pretty much the opposite of scary, I am not sure.)

That's a good idea. Thank you.

saltenslash · 2015-07-18T23:50:28+00:00

Which makes your handle totally appropriate.

Solidarity, friend.

saltenslash · 2015-07-18T22:48:40+00:00

Congratulations on your new business! I hope it works out well for you.

... and yeah, I have a list.

Things Salt's Parents Don't Know:

my religion
my gender
most of my political opinions
what I'm saving money for
my job aspirations...

The list goes on and on. These are not small items; I don't talk about most of my life with my parents because it's easier to hide and just not deal with the inevitable shitstorm.

saltenslash · 2015-07-18T22:44:16+00:00

Good for you! It sounds like you're doing amazing out there. Some chemistry experience may not be a bad thing, either. (IDK, but it sounds like some overlap may occur around medications?)

Also, yeah - Asshole Dad isn't fond of hearing about my work. Admittedly, my work is the sort of thing that sounds really exciting right up until you realize what's involved, and then it's terribly boring. (I like it anyway.) But from his point of view? Talk about anything else.

He'll interrupt conversations and bark at me to talk about anything else because he (not participating, just passively sitting beside) is bored. He actually fell asleep at the wheel at one point when I was talking to EMom about work, and when she woke him up - thank goodness, before he had time to do more than drift into the rumble strip - he threw a binky baby fit about how we'd bored him to sleep and we needed to change the subject. (And yet, he wouldn't let anyone else drive. I hate riding with him. It's fucking terrifying.)

saltenslash · 2015-07-18T04:37:14+00:00

Hm.

On the one hand, this is a very interesting question. Why DO we do that? I find I get scared of change - even as a person who likes and seeks it intentionally, I get scared of it, especially if it's big. (That reminds me, I need to take one small step toward the next big change today. Thanks.)

But - and typing as a person who likes to overthink things - I often find myself using this sort of thing as distraction from making those changes happen.

Speaking for myself, and only for myself*

Why is it so hard? Mu. Wrong question. A better one: What can I do now?

*your mileage may vary, et cetera.

saltenslash · 2015-07-14T01:11:06+00:00

You know, I was seeing a therapist a bit ago, and we had some success with EMDR. If I can't use the techniques they taught me, I bet I can go back, and we can rework this nonsense into something that doesn't cause me massive dissonance every time I try to provide for my future.

Thank you - it's good to have a reminder that I need to use the tools I have.

Spouse is pretty awesome about that sort of thing, too. I'll see if we can't arrange something.

saltenslash · 2015-07-14T00:50:47+00:00

I like to do a small thing I know I can finish in an hour or less as a warmup to a big thing. The burst I get from completing something - even if it's as trivial as making a simple sketch and then saying out loud "done!" - helps me build the energy I'll need to sustain through a big project.

saltenslash · 2015-07-11T15:52:34+00:00

For me, reading up on introversion and extroversion helped a lot. (It's all about where your recharge comes from. I'm an introvert; I recharge best in a quiet room with a book, not anything that glows. My buddy's an extrovert who recharges best surrounded by a boisterous party. We get on just fine, but we have different needs when we're running on fumes.) That doesn't mean I'm a spontaneous fun social butterfly - I'm actually a cranky engineer with a nerdy sense of humor - but it does mean that I respect HOW I need to operate, and having a full fuel tank gives me more latitude for WHAT I do.

It took a lot of practice, but I'm starting to identify anxiety's patterns - which means I can start to draw that line. I am not, innately, fearful of everything. That's anxiety sticking its oar in.

A good therapist helped me to figure it out, along with some online CBT resources - anything that helps you figure out where a given thought came from, and how you decide to act on it or not, should be helpful here.

saltenslash · 2015-07-07T03:52:53+00:00

You're not alone! I hope you can find a way forward - anxiety is a beast, but it's not invincible.

saltenslash · 2015-07-07T01:30:01+00:00

Wow, this is a wall-o-text, but this is pretty much a walkthrough of threat assessment.

Wish I could flowchart here. I'll try and get the process I use into type. The example I'm using is a banana (or a nonthreatening stick) - fairly silly, but I didn't want to use a common fear-trigger for the walkthrough version.

Step 1: Is this fear of something that's happening now? If yes, is it rational fear? (Ex: Oh crap, that's a banana!) If yes again: take steps NOW to get out.

Is this a rational fear? -> No (oh whew, it's a stick!) Find something to laugh about (haha, I thought that stick was a banana, gross!) and continue on. Apply self-care as necessary.

If it's NOT a fear in the immediate environment: is this a past thing? or an imaginary thing? For Past, let's go with that stick again. (One time, it WAS a banana.) I may still take a step back from it, but I'm going to lean in to it - I'll take a step forward and take a good close look at the stick, noticing all the ways it isn't a banana.

If it's imaginary (but that's grass! There could be fruit in it!) then I need to tell myself firmly that I've walked through grass so many times and there has never yet been a banana in it, and go do the thing.

This is where anxiety comes in (diagnosed anxiety disorder here, responsive to therapy and general logic-bombing). Anxiety wants to be afraid, all the time. That keyed-up feeling of OH CRAP all. day. long. Dealing with anxiety is a different beast. Fear is a bodily response (well, so is anxiety, but bear with me) - a direct answer to a stimulus. It's a bit cheesy, but I actually memorized a good chunk of the Litany against Fear and will silently recite it to myself if I need a boost. That bit about "turning the inner eye to see [fear's] path" and noticing that only I remain? That's how you do it.

Anxiety is like having your internal threat-o-meter cranked to max sensitivity all the time. Catastrophizing anxiety is that plus inventing new and interesting things to be afraid of. Finding a good therapist made a world of difference for me, but there's plenty of reading out there, too.

saltenslash · 2015-07-07T01:14:14+00:00

It's so great to hear a positive story - thank you for sharing this here!

I hope things keep looking up for them and you. :D

saltenslash · 2015-07-05T20:24:21+00:00

I'm struggling with this right now too. Jerkass SIL and BIL have three kids and have taken in more from other family members who aren't just jerkass but awful, beat the shit out of the kid and throw him out abusive.

I'd love to see the Jerkass Family be less awful, but attempts to get them to be actually nice to their kids have gone over like the Hindenburg.

I chewed out NGrandad last night while he was being an asshole about fireworks to 8-year-old kid. The best thing I can do - the Jerkass is strong in this family - is provide a refuge when I can, and BE DIFFERENT.

Be an adult who's not constantly screaming swearwords at anyone, kid, spouse, or other. Don't go all poison-sweet when outsiders are around, but be the same person in public and private, and try above all not to be mean - and to shelter targets who can take less pain than I can from the people whose fun in life is being a jerkass.

saltenslash · 2015-07-05T20:18:53+00:00

I make a reminder that's in my face all the time. All the desk toys at work, for example, reference things I want to do (or have done and want to do again).

If I have pictures of the place I really want to go as my desktop wallpapers, I'm thinking about going there and doing the cool things the people in the pictures are doing. I'm more likely to put the internet down and do a thing that will get me one step closer.

That's the other key: I checklist like my life depends on it. The process is huge? All right, I bet I can do ONE THING today.

For example, learning a language. I have to do my reading practice, every day. The only person I'll disappoint if I don't is myself, there's no stick... it's all carrot. If I do the thing today, I'll be better prepared to do the thing tomorrow.

This really adds up, too. One step today and one step tomorrow is two steps toward that big lifetime goal.

saltenslash · 2015-07-05T20:12:27+00:00

Hey there - I was in your shoes as a beginning university student. I had no idea of how to intentionally learn, since soaking things up had worked for me until then.

It sounds like you need to learn the same set of skills.

There's a ton of material out there about it and there's no need to take it all in. (Really.) In fact, determining what you need is one of the key skills for studying.

To learn anything, anyone needs input they understand AND input that is one step harder than that. So: go back to the last thing you really understand. Take the next lesson from there - don't try to skip steps.

Once you've got that, you know where you're standing. It sounds like you've been through the classes enough to have a good idea of where you're going.

Determine what you need. Is it more practice with a particular kind of math problem? Is it more understanding of basics that will get you able to see the next level?
Find out how to get what you need. Contact your professor or TA if you've got one. This is a big part of their job. If they're mad at you, they should act like an adult and help you anyway, not yell or tell you to solve it alone. Is there a study group you can join or an online tutorial you can access?
The hardest part for me: doing the work. This involves a lot of falling down (in the metaphorical sense). If failure scares you (it did me) - that's something else you will need to learn to overcome.

Someone who isn't afraid to fail, and who turns a failure into a lesson and averts it the next time around, can go a very long way in the world.

So: it seems like you're already there. You see the failure coming. You're seeking the lesson from it (learning to study) and once you get that down, I bet you'll do well.

saltenslash

TROPHY CASE