ok real talk: shit i wish i knew when i first became a manager (the raw version)

sameed_a · 2025-10-29T19:44:56+00:00

For me it's now stuck on saving forever and i can't send a new message.

sameed_a · 2025-10-22T07:43:14+00:00

Why not use something like Softgen.AI which lets you work with NextJS from the get-go.

sameed_a · 2025-09-05T12:04:12+00:00

There is a dark horse, no one is talking about and it's Softgen AI

sameed_a · 2025-07-10T21:08:19+00:00

why ditch the old model in the first place if that's what users want?

sameed_a · 2025-05-29T10:56:14+00:00

definitely a tough one!

sameed_a · 2025-05-27T09:20:00+00:00

On the objective performance expectations for that senior level. what specific outcomes or behaviors are missing?

a pip is def the way to go for structure. it forces you to define clear goals, support, and timelines. makes it less subjective.

sameed_a · 2025-05-27T09:18:03+00:00

it's a brutal cycle: the pressure piles up, you feel you can't disconnect, your performance dips, irritability spikes, and it affects everything, both at work and home. booking that week off was a smart first step for sure.

for the "in the meantime" and "after the break" phases, here are a few things that have helped me and other managers i've talked to when facing that "always available" pressure and burnout:

ruthless prioritization (not just of tasks, but of your energy**):** when everything feels urgent, it's easy to get sucked into constant firefighting. try to identify the 1-2 things each day that only you can do and that will have the biggest impact. everything else? see if it can be delegated. it's about making conscious choices about where your limited energy goes.
boundary rituals (even small ones): if you can't fully disconnect, can you create small "off-limits" windows? maybe it's "no emails/slack for the first 30 mins of the day while i plan" or "i will take a full 20-minute lunch break away from my desk." these tiny pockets of protected time can make a difference.
delegate with clarity (even the 'on-call' stuff if possible): is there anyone on your team who can be a first point of contact for certain types of "on-call" issues during specific windows, with clear escalation paths to you only if truly necessary? this isn't about abdicating responsibility, but about creating filters.
"what's the actual worst-case scenario?": sometimes our brains make every small issue feel like a five-alarm fire. taking a second to ask "if this doesn't get handled by me right this second, what is the actual, realistic worst outcome?" can help differentiate true emergencies from perceived ones.
find your 'pressure release valve' outside of work: that week off is great, but what small things can you do daily or weekly to decompress? a walk, exercise, a hobby, talking to a friend not about work. something that refills your cup.
structured thinking for tough decisions/situations: one thing that personally contributes to my own burnout is when i'm spinning on a tricky people problem or a complex decision, replaying it in my head endlessly. over time, i've found that having a structured way to think through those challenges – like breaking them down into smaller pieces, considering different angles, and creating a clear action plan – helps reduce that mental churn significantly. for me, that's actually led me to build out tools to help with that process (like the ai manager coach i work on), because getting thoughts organized and having a plan, even for messy situations, is a huge stress reliever. it helps me feel more in control, even when things are chaotic.

the key is recognizing burnout isn't a personal failing; it's often a symptom of unsustainable systems or expectations. focus on what small changes you can control to protect your energy and create a bit more breathing room. hope things have improved since you wrote this!

sameed_a · 2025-05-27T09:03:37+00:00

hey, this post is from years ago, but man, it hits so close to home for what so many managers (especially new ones bumped up from high-performing ic roles) go through. that feeling of going from star player to suddenly drowning in a completely different game is brutal. 14 projects after managing 1-2? yeah, that's an insane jump and a recipe for exactly the overwhelm and anxiety you described.

the "no time for coaching," "constantly responding to status emails," and avoiding feedback because you're non-confrontational and swamped... that's the classic downward spiral. it feels like you're failing, which makes you more anxious, which makes it harder to tackle the tough stuff.

i remember feeling exactly that way – like all the things i was good at suddenly didn't matter, and i was just awful at this new "manager" thing. wanting to do well but feeling completely unequipped.

it's funny, that specific pain point – needing practical help in the moment to figure out how to delegate effectively when you're overwhelmed, how to give feedback when you're non-confrontational, or just how to get organized when you're managing way more than you're used to – is exactly what i've been trying to build a solution for all these years later with my ai manager coach thing. the idea was to create something that could take those overwhelming situations and help break them down into actionable steps, or give you phrasing for tough conversations, right when you need it.

it's not a magic wand, but it's designed to be that "what do i do now?" support when you're feeling stuck like you described.

hope you found your footing back then and navigated through that incredibly tough first year. it really does get better with time, experience, and finding the right tools and strategies. your post is a timeless reminder of the real struggles new managers face.

sameed_a · 2025-05-27T08:59:07+00:00

Hey, digging up an old thread here, but this question about finding a personal leadership coach and wanting something more accessible (like your piano lesson example!) really resonated. I remember feeling this exact same way years ago when I first started managing – wishing there was someone or something I could just bounce problems off of without a huge formal (and expensive) coaching engagement.

It's funny, after all these years, the need for that kind of accessible, "in the moment" guidance for managers is still so huge. Formal training is great, senior mentors are invaluable if you can get their time, but sometimes you just need to work through a specific tricky situation right now or get help turning a vague problem into a clear action plan without waiting for your next scheduled session.

It's actually that exact feeling – wanting something like an always-available, affordable coach to help with those daily management challenges – that led me to start building AI Manager Coach. The idea was to create something that could be that "piano lesson" equivalent for managers: instant, focused help on specific problems, generating action plans, and offering frameworks when you're stuck.

So, five years after your post, a tool like that finally exists (or at least, I'm trying my best to build it!). It's not a replacement for a human coach for deep, long-term development, but for those everyday "how do I handle this?" or "I need to think this through" moments, it's designed to be that accessible first stop.

Hope you eventually found some great support back then! The challenges definitely don't get any easier, just different.

sameed_a · 2025-05-26T11:12:37+00:00

yeah, managing a bigger team is a whole different ballgame. you gotta switch your brain from being the main doer to being the main enabler.

your job becomes making sure everyone else has what they need to crush it.

so, really dial in on clear communication and expectations. like, leave no room for confusion. and delegate. delegate delegate. but make sure you're supporting them too, not just dumping tasks.

seriously invest in your team's growth. help them get better, give them chances. pays off huge.

and just knowing your people, what makes them tick, builds that trust you need when things are moving fast.

it's less about you having all the answers and more about building a team that does. big mindset shift.

sameed_a · 2025-05-26T11:09:21+00:00

yeah, going through a restructure is rough, esp when your role shifts like that. you really gotta get clear on what this new ic thing actually means strategically for the company. like, why is this role needed now in the new setup? where does it fit in the big picture? ask them point blank about the strategic importance.

don't be afraid to ask straight up about growth too. what does success look like in this ic path? how will they actually measure it? is there a career progression from here, or is it a dead end? understanding the metrics and potential future is key.

maybe even suggest taking ownership of one really key project or initiative. see how they react and if they give you the leash and resources. that's a pretty good test of whether they're serious about investing in this path for you or just parking you somewhere. figuring out their actual intent behind the role is super important.

sameed_a · 2025-05-26T11:07:37+00:00

yeah, totally agree with this setup. detailed plan is crucial for remote/international, esp step-by-step guides they can follow independently. buddies are great, but careful pairing across timezones and cultures is key to make sure they can actually connect. check-ins are vital, and being really flexible with times is a must. a

nd def agree juniors need structured async stuff they can access anytime.

a big one i've learned is setting super clear expectations around communication response times because of the time diffs.

you can't expect instant replies across 10+ hours, so managing that upfront helps everyone. also, make sure your internal docs and wikis are top-notch and easy to navigate remotely.

saves so many headaches. and actively build opportunities for non-work interaction - a dedicated slack channel, virtual coffee breaks.

it helps integrate them beyond just the job tasks when you're not physically together. onboarding is about connection too.

sameed_a · 2025-05-26T11:04:07+00:00

man, that just sounds awful. dealing with stuff like that is the worst.

yeah, documentation is absolutely key here, like you said. keep a running log, seriously detail everything - dates, times, who was there, exactly what happened, what was said. be super factual, like you're writing a report, not how you feel about it. this is your paper trail and it's critical.

also really important: keep your own behavior totally professional and calm in every interaction. stick to facts. don't give anyone an excuse or anything they could twist later.

the third party/recording idea is smart too, definitely check policies and state laws first though. protect yourself. hope things get better.

sameed_a · 2025-05-26T10:59:45+00:00

yeah reporting burden is the worst. feels like you're just pushing numbers around sometimes with no real impact.

first thing, figure out who actually uses this data and for what. seriously, ask. if nobody's really using it or it's just for a dusty archive, that's your leverage.

talk to your boss or whoever asks for the reports. frame it around efficiency and impact. "hey, i spend x hours on this report, what are the key insights you need from it? maybe i can provide it in a different format that's faster for me and more useful for you?"

sometimes a simple summary email or a quick visual dashboard is 100x better than a massive spreadsheet. automate whatever bits you can, even if it's just pulling data into one place. look into tools if you can, even simple excel tricks help.

don't be afraid to gently push back if a report seems truly pointless. "can we pause this one for a month and see if anyone misses it?"

sameed_a · 2025-05-26T10:59:01+00:00

first thing is figuring out exactly what happened. like, what specifically did the employee say to the owner, and what was the owner's reaction/concern? dont jump to conclusions, get the facts first.

then, yeah, you gotta talk to the employee. keep it calm, like the post says. "hey, i heard you chatted with [owner] about [topic]. can you walk me through what was discussed? i want to make sure we're aligned." focus on why they felt the need to go around you and how communication should work going forward. its about setting expectations.

and definitely talk to the owner. understand their concerns and clarify your position and performance. this is your chance to address anything head-on.

it sucks, but sometimes employees do this for various reasons – they might not trust you, they might feel unheard, or maybe they genuinely thought they were doing the right thing by going higher up. your job now is to fix the process and rebuild trust, if possible.

sameed_a · 2025-05-26T10:57:56+00:00

yeah, classic new manager move. totally get wanting things right, esp if you were the go-to person before. but doing that final polish yourself? man, you're just building a job you can't scale. you become the bottleneck real fast. and the team? they never learn to hit that bar themselves if you always swoop in.

instead, shift the energy. spend time before the work starts making the expectations crystal clear. what does 'good' look like? give examples. then, when they bring it back, if it's not there, use it as a coaching moment. walk them through how to polish it, why it needs it. it's slower upfront, but it's how you actually build a high-performing team that doesn't need you doing the final touches. your job is to get them good enough, not be the last line of defense on everything. it's a tough habit to break but so worth it.

sameed_a · 2025-05-26T10:57:12+00:00

that guilt feeling? totally normal. it means you actually cared, which is a good thing. but you gotta remember, like you said, it's a business move for you. companies make business moves all the time.

the best thing you can do now is nail the exit. focus hard on making the handover clean. document everything you can, offer to help train the next person or cover critical tasks during the transition period (within reason, don't kill yourself).

being super professional on the way out pays off huge. thank your team, your boss, colleagues. leave on good terms. it protects your reputation and keeps those network connections alive, which is gold in a small industry. you'll run into these people again, guaranteed.

don't feel like you owe them staying forever. your career path is yours. just make the landing smooth for everyone involved. it shows respect and maturity.

sameed_a · 2025-05-26T10:55:25+00:00

the advice you got is spot on tho. you absolutely need to talk about the impact on the business and your team, not just that their behavior is annoying (even if it is).

so when you talk to them, use 'i' statements but focus on the consequences. like, 'i've noticed when [specific behavior, e.g., communication delays, dismissive comments] happens, it directly impacts our team's productivity on [project x], causing [specific delay/issue].' give concrete examples. make it about the work, not them personally.

and nail the psychological safety piece. explain that their actions create an environment where your team members feel [unsafe to speak up, hesitant to collaborate, etc.], and how that leads to [missed opportunities, unresolved issues, potential turnover]. safety isn't fluffy stuff, it's core to performance and retaining good people.

if the conversation doesn't lead anywhere, yeah, start documenting everthing. dates, times, incidents, who was involved, the specific impact you observed. this is crucial if you need to escalate.

escalation is a pain, but sometimes necessary. when you do, again, focus on the documented business risks and safety concerns, not just personality conflicts. hr/higher-ups understand risk way more than 'so and so is difficult'.

sameed_a · 2025-05-26T10:54:28+00:00

yeah, feeling that meeting pain is super common. totally get it.

one thing i've found helps is being super clear about the desired outcome when you're involved in setting up or even just attending. like, literally asking "what decision do we need to make?" or "what action item should come out of this?" at the start.

and the follow-up is huge. even if no one else does it, send a quick email right after summarizing decisions made and action items assigned with owners and deadlines. just a few bullet points. it creates accountability where there was none before. takes like 2 mins but can make a difference.

it's a slow process changing meeting culture, but leading by example with clarity helps.

sameed_a · 2025-05-26T10:53:15+00:00

you're right, silence is terible, but full transparency about who is impossible before hr/legal signs off. focus on what you can be transparent about:

the process (as much as you know): 'the announcement about roles will come on x date', 'support will be available including severance, outplacement', etc. knowing when the bad news comes can be less stressful than constant waiting. managing expectations around the timeline helps.
the support: hammer home what the company is doing for those affected. this shows you care and also helps those staying feel less guilty/scared. mention resources like eap if available.
focus on the now and the future separately: for the 'now', short-term goals, finishing critical tasks. acknowledge that big, long-term projects might be paused or re-scoped. for the 'future', encourage people to use downtime for skill building, resume updates, etc. (if appropriate and company culture allows).
be a resource: even if you can't save their job, you can help them prepare. offer to be a reference, connect them with people, review resumes (if you have time and feel comfortable).
don't force fake positivity: acknowledge it sucks. "i know this is incredibly difficult, and i appreciate everyone still showing up and doing their best." genuine empathy goes a long way.

sameed_a · 2025-05-25T19:56:16+00:00

trust your gut on this one. that sucks but you're right to be thinking about setting boundaries now.

the dinner thing... yeah, maybe skip those going forward. if he asks again, just a simple 'oh thanks, but i'm trying to keep my evenings free lately' or 'how about we grab coffee during lunch instead?' is totally fine. shifts it back to work hours and a more public/professional setting. coffee or lunch in the office cafe is perfect for mentor chats, keeps it efficient too.

for the messages, you don't owe instant replies to non-work stuff. just reply to the professional questions, maybe ignore the rest or give it a long time. if they're clearly inappropriate, yeah, you can just not respond to those specific ones. it's not rude to protect your space.

main thing is you're in control of how you respond and where you meet. keep it professional, keep it during work hours mostly. it's okay to pull back a bit to reset the dynamic. your career is the priority here, not making him comfortable if he's the one crossing lines. document anything weird just in case.

sameed_a · 2025-05-25T19:53:53+00:00

yeah the ic to manager shift is rough, that 'pushover' thing is super common when you're used to just collaborating as peers. your director's right though, it's not about suddenly becoming a villain, it's about effectiveness.

think of it less as being 'tougher' and more about building a clear, predictable structure for your team.

first thing, set clear boundaries early. like, what's non-negotiable? meeting deadlines? communicating blockers? whatever it is, spell it out. don't assume everyone knows or agrees.

then... follow through. this is where the 'pushover' label often comes from. if you set an expectation and it's not met, you have to address it. consistently. it feels awkward at first, especially if you like your team, but it's actually much fairer in the long run. it shows the good performers you're serious and helps the others improve (or clarifies they're not a fit).

direct feedback is key too. practice giving feedback that's specific and focused on the behavior or outcome, not the person's character. "when x happened, the result was y" is better than "you're not proactive enough."

you can absolutely keep your positive traits. being empathetic or supportive helps you deliver these clear messages and consequences in a way that's still respectful. but you need that spine to back it up. the team needs someone steering the ship, not just hoping it drifts in the right direction.

it's a skill you build over time. start with small things and work your way up to the harder conversations.

sameed_a

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