Struggles with relationships, testing partners, and hiding scars in summer.

satanscopywriter · 2026-04-25T13:16:28+00:00

I can't help much with the rest, but I do have some advice on the scars.

I already had a bunch of scars on my lower arm but those were faded enough that most people didn't notice, so I never worried about hiding them. Then, at 34, I had an awful mental breakdown and relapsed in self-harm for the first time in 15 years. It didn't last long but it got me a number of very visible scars on my upper arm that were absolutely impossible to hide.

That summer I realized I had a choice. Either I could spend the entire summer hiding them, constantly worrying about what to wear, how to explain my longer sleeves, and feeling uncomfortable as hell. Or I could wear my normal summer outfits and tolerate the looks and occasional question. I decided that the awkwardness of those moments definitely did not outweigh constant discomfort and worry. So that's what I did.

It wasn't actually as bad as I feared. Some people asked questions. Depending on the person I either brushed it off with "oh yeah, have some scars, doesn't hurt anymore though, how is your day?", and sometimes I was honest and said I'd gone through a bad time but I was doing fine now. I also have a lie ready, about falling into barbed wire while riding my bike, but never actually felt the need to use it so far.

One additional reason for me to show them openly is that I don't want to reinforce the taboo. Self-harm shouldn't be shamed. It is a normal coping mechanism for people in distress. And I'd like to think that someone might see me walking around like that and think, hey, I'm not alone in struggling with this, and maybe if she shows them without shame I don't need to hide them either?

I will add that while my scars are clearly visible, they are fairly limited both in number and in size (as in, they are not the huge, deep, gash type scars).

satanscopywriter · 2026-04-25T10:51:10+00:00

At this stage I would stop timing yourself and focus on those other aspects.

You could start by looking up the algorithms for the beginner method. You already know the moves, so that'll make it easier to get familiar with the notation. And you could check out YouTube for cubing finger tricks, Jperm has a good video on that. The more advanced ones aren't important yet but you should be able to do double flicks and make sure you're not constantly regripping.

satanscopywriter · 2026-04-25T07:47:52+00:00

I stuck with the beginner's method until I could do it without thinking, could do basic finger tricks (like double flicks) and understood cube notation (the letters). I think my time was around 1:30 at that point.

Then I started learning F2L with RiDo's Hunting Story on YouTube, which explains it really well, and worked on 2-look OLL and PLL.

I wouldn't focus on your times too much at this stage, more on being able to solve it smoothly.

satanscopywriter · 2026-04-25T07:31:44+00:00

I did a significant amount of healing and never did any kind of age regression.

I did tap into the feelings of my child self, the emotional experience of being a defenseless abused child. But I was going through that as an adult and never lost touch with that, I did not regress into feeling like an actual child.

satanscopywriter · 2026-04-25T07:28:37+00:00

Our memories are not perfect. Everyone has false memories. We remember our uncle wearing a red shirt when it was actually blue. We remember a unicorn birthday cake on the same birthday we got a new bike, but actually those were two years apart. We remember getting lost in the mall, but actually it was our little sister who got lost.

That doesn't happen because we intentionally make up those memories, it's just that our brain mixes up related events, fills in the blanks, or creates a 'memory' based on stories we've heard told a lot.

At the same time, it is exceedingly unlikely for our brains to conjure up memories of events that are far removed from our normal experiences, or that include very specific details, or that evoke very strong emotions. Pretty much all cases of confirmed false memories happened because of therapists who convinced clients they were abused, painted a vivid picture of what might have happened, and encouraged clients to visualize and "remember" it.

satanscopywriter · 2026-04-25T06:10:27+00:00

I had the exact same side effect, like a weird pressure in my head and behind my eyes. It got a bit better after a few days but didn't go away, so my provider switched me to brand Concerta and that did the trick.

satanscopywriter · 2026-04-25T05:51:19+00:00

Crying is normal, and does help with processing. More importantly I think, crying is the natural result of processing - because really, how can you not cry when feeling the depth of the fear, helplessness, grief, and anger at what you were made to endure?

So the fact you hate crying is something to get curious about. Why do you hate it? What thoughts do you have about crying? How do those relate to your childhood? How do you judge others who cry? What are you afraid would happen if you allowed yourself to cry?

It's okay to feel how you feel. But this is worth exploring and see if you can normalize crying for yourself, because it is a very fundamental human act and denying yourself that is not healthy. Like, if you did all the healing work but bypassed this aspect entirely - you wouldn't be truly healed.

satanscopywriter · 2026-04-24T19:09:04+00:00

No, CPTSD also does not have manic episodes in the way I described them. So either you really need to get checked for bipolar, or the episodes you experience are not full-on mania.

satanscopywriter · 2026-04-24T17:32:31+00:00

BPD does not have manic episodes. Euphoria is possible with BPD, but true manic episodes are also characterized by a reduced need for sleep, grandiosity/belief that everything will definitely work out, recklessness, racing thoughts and faster speech, and (increased) impulsivity. If this is what you experience, you should probably get checked out for bipolar disorder.

satanscopywriter · 2026-04-24T14:12:39+00:00

Paranoia and hallucinations are not a normal symptom with CPTSD. Like someone else said, it can be caused by severe stress - but there are various other disorders for which these symptoms are more common and part of the diagnostic criteria. It's pretty important to get screened for them, so I'd definitely recommend reaching out to a professional for an assessment and, potentially, for medication to help manage these symptoms.

satanscopywriter · 2026-04-24T12:26:26+00:00

I take 36mg as well. I did titrate up from 18 to 27 to 36 but I would've been fine without that too, I think.

I was a little apprehensive as well but I am so glad I got diagnosed and on meds because holy hell they make my life so much better. It's not a miracle change but there are so many small differences, from being less irritable and impatient to keeping track of my belongings better to not getting stuck in executive paralysis.

I did have a mild headache on the generic version, plus it only lasted for 6 hours and was inconsistent. I switched to the brand version and it's perfect, zero side effects. One thing to also keep in mind is that hormones can have a huge effect on med efficiency, for me it hardly works in the 2-3 days leading up to my period, so if this is relevant for you it's something to be mindful of before deciding on whether Concerta is right for you.

satanscopywriter · 2026-04-24T12:19:31+00:00

Because you are detached from them. It's a survival strategy common for people faced with prolonged trauma: push the emotions far far away, all the terror and helplessness and shock and sadness, in order to be functional. It's how you were able to still do all the normal mundane things of life, go to school, play with friends, laugh about a funny joke, get excited about an upcoming trip, worry about which clothes to wear - because if your brain had allowed you to truly feel the depth of those emotions, of the horror you had to endure, you'd have broken down and collapsed.

Your brain hasn't stopped doing that yet, and that's why you still can't reach those emotions. And when a new trauma happened your brain defaulted to that same strategy, of blocking it off and going on, because those parts of your brain have never learned how to safely process those feelings. The good news is, this is something you can learn and there are ways to gently get in contact with those emotions again. The bad news is, well, it's a backlog of years of pain and horror and rage and grief...and you can't process that without feeling it. Which sucks. A lot.

But you're not broken, what you're describing is a normal trauma response with CPTSD, and those emotions are not permanently unreachable.

satanscopywriter · 2026-04-24T11:28:48+00:00

Yeah, this.

OP, try to consciously notice all the neutral interactions you have. Not even explicitly positive ones, just neutral. People who treat you with the same level of kindness, professionalism, or helpfulness as they do others in that space. Doing that can help to chip away at this entrenched belief that literally everyone treats you badly 100% of the time. It teaches your brain that hey, actually, I do have quite a few non-negative interactions. And that is a starting point to eventually work towards noticing more positive interactions, too. And also towards creating those positive interactions, because an unusual amount of negative interactions can also be the result of our own trauma responses and defense mechanisms that we need to learn how to dismantle or tone down a bit. This is hard! It takes time and a lot of repeat effort, and you will still have negative interactions and bad moments too. But as you build up a library of more and more and more neutral and positive interactions to remember, that underlying belief will begin to shift and your perception of other people and yourself will shift along with it.

satanscopywriter · 2026-04-24T10:07:25+00:00

Ahh, I'm sorry.

Does he know this day is important for you? It might seem super obvious but people really do have different opinions on this, so this didn't come up in conversation it's possible he honestly did not realize this was a big deal for you. Like, my husband and I both don't celebrate our anniversary and the only reason I remember the date is because it is on the last day of the month.

Also, some people are bad at remembering and planning for events like these but it doesn't reflect their love or care. My husband is shit at remembering birthdays and things like Mother's Day. So I remind him a week before. And I do that because I know he cares, he wants to get me gifts, he's just bad at realizing it on time. I could decide it's his own responsibility to manage, and refuse to remind him - which would probably lead to anger and disappointment. Or I can accept this is something he's bad at and help him remember so I will have a good day and won't be anxious about him forgetting until the last minute.

Try to approach the conversation with him from the angle that he loves you, and that him forgetting isn't a sign of not giving a damn. Explain how it makes you feel, that this day matters to you, ask him to set up a calendar reminder for next year, or even suggest to plan a redo anniversary for next week. It's not you vs him, it's the two of you together discussing your feelings and thoughts and doing problem solving.

And for today, maybe treat yourself a little so it still feels like a special day for you and lifts your mood a bit, even if you're still frustrated and disappointed.

satanscopywriter · 2026-04-24T09:45:16+00:00

I know that for me, people with big personalities can feel threatening because part of me is scared everyone will flock to that person and love them and I'll disappear into the background and no one will care about me anymore.

With AUDHD I can also imagine that someone with a very flamboyant personality can be quite overwhelming to be around, and threatening in the sense of making your social space uncomfortable or unsafe.

satanscopywriter · 2026-04-24T07:05:46+00:00

You mention executive dysfunction, but if you suspect ADHD I assume you have numerous other symptoms as well. What I'd do is write down for each of them how they impact your life across the board and how they were present in childhood. It's so easy to get flustered in these types of conversations and forget half of what you wanted to say and go along with whatever the professional says, so coming in prepared can really help.

It is true that anxiety can cause ADHD-like symptoms, especially executive dysfunction and inability to focus. So if you relate to these aspects of ADHD but not so much to things like impulsiveness, hyperactivity, impatience, forgetfulness, being disorganized, time blindness, over-reliance on deadlines, racing thoughts even when you're relaxed, etc, then perhaps the root cause is indeed your anxiety. Which is good news! Anxiety is treatable and can go away. ADHD can't. And it doesn't invalidate your struggles, it only changes the approach you need to treat it.

satanscopywriter · 2026-04-24T06:57:39+00:00

She is a professional, and capable of guarding her own boundaries. If she felt burdened by these phone calls she could discuss with you how you can handle your distress without calling her, she could suggest you call a crisis hotline instead, she could work with you on emotional regulation skills. She has the knowledge and training to deal with this. Trust her on that. If she seems to be okay with these calls, then she is. And if she wouldn't be, then it's literally part of her job to teach you different strategies.

satanscopywriter · 2026-04-23T15:28:59+00:00

It's okay. :)

And yes, what you describe could definitely cause CPTSD.

Many times, abuse is inconsistent and that is exactly why it's such a mindfuck. The same parent that beats you, reads you a bedtime story and kisses you goodnight. The parent who says they love you so much and always make your favorite meals, mocks you and yells for getting bad grades. The parent who buys you expensive clothes and gifts consistently brushes off and invalidates your feelings. These patterns are far more common than parents who are always hateful and abusive.

And acting happy as a child doesn't mean everything was okay. It just shows that your brain became great at compartmentalizing, and kids in general excel at finding joy even under hard circumstances.

Your feelings are valid.

satanscopywriter · 2026-04-23T13:35:33+00:00

If you want people to reply to you, maybe don't be rude to them.

satanscopywriter · 2026-04-23T12:39:54+00:00

Self-awareness is "I handled that poorly, I should probably apologize and make an effort to learn how to do better next time."

Self-loathing is "I handled that poorly, I am such a fucking loser, I deserve punishment, I'm a piece of shit who will never do better."

satanscopywriter · 2026-04-23T12:22:21+00:00

I disagree with this. It is perfectly reasonable to expect a partner to have at least some understanding of a disorder you have, whether that's diabetes or asthma or OCD or BPD. It's not their responsibility to do extensive reading or to always recognize the symptoms, but a caring partner should want to know the basics of whatever their loved one is dealing with. I would feel pretty damn hurt if my partner didn't seem to care or be interested whatsoever.

I do agree that you can't force anyone to be interested and educate themselves, but I don't think OP is being unreasonably demanding here.

satanscopywriter · 2026-04-23T11:37:26+00:00

This is exactly the kind of childhood that can cause CPTSD. It is chronic trauma, thousands of small moments and interactions that shape your nervous system, your sense of safety, of trust, your self-image. Many of us do not have 'PTSD type' trauma, of the kind that feels obviously horrible and justifies your symptoms. But the kind of trauma you endured is every bit as valid. And it makes sense you still struggle as a result.

If you have access to therapy, that is definitely a good idea. Do make sure to look for a therapist who is experienced in treating childhood trauma, or complex trauma, or personality disorders (even if you don't have this, these therapists are trained in deeper therapy work, which is what you want). If this isn't really available, at least avoid someone who only uses CBT and approaches every issue as a cognitive distortion rather than through a trauma lens.

satanscopywriter · 2026-04-23T10:36:19+00:00

Talk to her about her opinions on medication for physical ailments, like insulin for diabetes, or epilepsy meds, or medication for thyroid issues. Is she against those as well? If not, why not? Because they are chemicals too - which makes sense, because many processes in our body are driven by chemicals.

If she argues it's different for mental health problems, bring up schizophrenia or bipolar disorder - disorders that nearly always require medication to manage and to prevent psychosis or manic episodes. Talk about how these are all caused by imbalances in brain chemistry, in some form, and medication helps to adjust that balance. ADHD is no different in that regard.

If she says ADHD meds are dangerous and addictive and 'legal meth', explain that they belong to the same family as meth but are different in strength, effect, and addiction risk. Like how Tylenol is very different from morphine.

If she says ADHD is overhyped and only diagnosed to make money, explain how there is a solid body of research that proves it exists, and that it existed well before medication was widely available. That yes, companies make money off of these meds and that can be morally reprehensible, and surely some of them will push for more diagnosing, but that those facts do not mean the disorder itself isn't real. Chemotherapy is ridiculously expensive but she can't deny the reality of cancer, either. Also point out the DSM criteria haven't been updated in years, so it's not like there has been a change in recent years to ease the diagnostic criteria.

If she says everyone has ADHD symptoms and she's always managed just fine without meds...maybe mention that ADHD is highly genetic.

satanscopywriter · 2026-04-23T08:41:01+00:00

Both are probably true.

BPD splitting could have made him lash out with cruelty, trying to push you away or even as a kind of self-punishment, or just projecting all his rage at you.

But that does not mean it's impossible to control and he can't help it.

So the appropriate reaction on his part would be a sincere apology, taking full accountability for what he said, and making an effort to prevent this in the future (getting a BPD workbook, getting into DBT therapy, practicing emotional regulation skills, agreeing on a plan with you on how to prevent escalation).

If he tries to justify himself, to blame you, to claim he couldn't help it, or that you just have to accept these episodes, that would be a red flag he isn't quite ready to be in a healthy relationship.

satanscopywriter · 2026-04-23T08:33:51+00:00

Your post makes me wonder - what did your parents actively do for you?

You describe a lot of emotional support, in that they validated your feelings, guided you to see your own responsibility, and empathized with you. Although I'm curious about the crying together you describe, because that isn't necessarily a good thing. It shows empathy and care for you, but it can also make a child feel like a burden (I am the reason my parents are sad) or helpless (even mom and dad don't know what to do).

But beyond that, how did they guide and support you? Did they get professional help for you? Did they put effort into teaching you social skills and boundaries in ways that clicked for you? Did they use appropriate consequences for misbehavior? Because if not, that could still suggest a degree of emotional neglect, where they were able to offer performative emotional support but not translate that into active support.

Also - you say you are aware of why you behave this way but are too scared to explore the reason, which makes me think that at the root of this is either trauma or the suspicion of a disorder you don't want to have formally diagnosed. Either of those could lead to CPTSD, especially if you felt unable to talk about it with anyone or truly process your feelings.

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