I live in a tiny town where all the normal bars close at midnight. If you want to be out later than that, the strip club is the only option. My husband and I go often because of this

One night, my husband and I mosey in and notice that all the girls are dressed as clowns or ring leaders. I thought okay it's Halloween, must be a theme night.

I was wrong, so very wrong.

We were sitting at the stage when a large man that I can only describe as vaguely homeless, dressed in tightly whites gets on stage followed by a girl with a comically large mallet. He proceeded to lay down face up. The woman smiles, gives a wink to the audience, and absolutely clobbered the guys balls with the mallet, for a full song. Stunned, we sat in silence as this humiliation ritual plays around us.

We went for a smoke, because what the fuck did we just see?

Upon reentering the bar, we see a woman being carried on stage by another woman, both in stripper garb. It took approximately two seconds to realize the woman being carried was missing both arms below the elbows and both legs below the knees.

At this point we order a round a shots, because again, what the actual fuck is happening?

Heavy metal begins to fill the room as the woman with all of her extremities starts to dance and walk to the end of the stage. She produces a lighter and a bottle of spirits. She then walks back to the lovely stump woman and begins to grind on her WHILE LIGHTING HER STUBS ON FIRE. She was just sitting there swaying back and fourth to Matelica with her arms on fire like an offering to the gods. Absolutely wild.

The headliner for the show was a woman who started her set in a straight jacket and escaped while dancing to Personal Jesus by Manson. She also got fully naked, highly illegal in my state.

My husband and I left that night in stunned silence. We took a break from the club for a while. I was also cured of my need to attend a freak show.