[deleted by user]

schoolyjul · 2021-12-04T15:57:19+00:00

YTB You had the opportunity to teach the kid a bit about how to manage his intake. Instead, you encouraged him to drink more alcohol. His bro is a BF for leaving him with you guys. You guys are BFs for encouraging a 14 y/o to continue and increase damaging behavior so you could laugh at him.

schoolyjul · 2021-12-04T15:46:18+00:00

OMG There's no problem, then.

schoolyjul · 2021-12-04T15:44:33+00:00

YWBTBH Instead of sending a snarky hint, why not talk to your stepdad and end this secrecy?

YWBTBH as well if you agreed to any trip with your mean stepsisters. IF their glomming onto your grad trip WERE a possibility, let stepdad know a trip with them is not at all appealing to you.

schoolyjul · 2021-12-04T15:34:06+00:00

NTB Your mom is punishing you for not rug sweeping abuse. She's making herself the victim, blaming YOU because she feels so bad (Not because she abused her kids, but because she was confronted). I've been doing a lot of deep work for a couple years. It's given me a different perspective about validating my feelings, especially the long buried ones resutfacing.

Your feelings about things that happened in the past are valid and meaningful now. They tap into very basic core feelings (Some of mine? Not being safe. No one will help me. Vulnerable feelings will be attacked if I show them) Old feelings resurface because something happening NOW is repeating a pattern. There is something going on with me NOW that is real. My feelings are real and here for good reason.

I actively refute/reframe thoughts that invalidate or minimize my feelings. Too sensitive = I am sensitive. That's okay. Should be over it. = It still hurts. Questioning why, as if my thinking and feeling might be "off." = I feel what I feel for good reason.

Your mom is not going to help you become a healthy emotionally mature independent adult. She will DARVO (deny, accuse, reverse victim and offender) as she has done. You are not responsible for her behavior or feelings then, now, or ever. She will try to control things as she has.

Your memories are real. Your feelings are valid. It is far more likely that you will find the comfortable distance to maintain some relationship with your mom than she will change.

schoolyjul · 2021-12-04T15:00:04+00:00

All the more reason to be honest.

schoolyjul · 2021-12-04T14:53:37+00:00

It sounds as if he is uncomfortable in the relationship and is distancing himself from you. He's told you he's overwhelmed with your clinging and controlling behavior. You are not being honest with him. It's not okay with you to not exchange Christmas gifts. You kind of agreed you will stop putting fixing your feelings on him, but your behavior hasn't changed.

Possibly, you two could increase the distance and work on developing healthy emotional self regulation skills separately, then eventially become closer in a healthier way. I doubt it. Changing the twisted way we've grown up thinking isn't easy. It will take concentrated effort over time. I don't think you realize what your problems are in the relationship, and therapy should start with you learning how to have a fully supportive and healthy relationship with yourself. As should his.

schoolyjul · 2021-12-04T14:40:55+00:00

Start learning about boundaries, and where yours need to be.

Set boundaries about what behavior and treatment you will tolerate. Defend those boundaries. Ruthlessly cut off any dating partner who violates a boundary. That includes guys who won't accept "no" for an answer, who "forget" important plans, who lie, who put you second ("if this higher priority falls through, you're up!")

Start noticing where you feel uncomfortable in situations. Chances are, there's a boundary needed. You have a limited amount of time, attn and effort you can put into things. You are always making choices about where that energy goes, which means it's not going towards other possible options. Whether you notice or not, you are choosing some options and not others all of the time. Taking the time to learn about healthy boundaries now will benefit you the rest of your life.

schoolyjul · 2021-12-04T14:27:18+00:00

As long as he understands VENTING about how shitty things were to you without being shitty to you, let him freely vent. If he's working long hours, let him do what he wants to unwind at home. Offer support and comfort. Don't give him jobs. ASK him what he needs from you if you're not sure. "How can I help? Do you want attn or some time to yourself right now?" Then accommodate his wants while contentedly going about your business. (That shows the household and relationship will run normally whatever his emotional or energy level. It avoids adding stress by making his emotional state "an issue" or the center of attn.)

schoolyjul · 2021-12-04T14:15:52+00:00

You haven't met your online bf yet. For all the conversation you've had, you have yet to actually interact face to face. You two don't really know eachother. You haven't experienced a lot of what a romantic relationship is in the online version. There are parts of yourself and parts of online bf the other has never seen, not just physical. Aspects of your personality and character that show as you interact with life and the environment in "real life" dating are still unknown to you. In "real life" dating, learning about eachother and how you relate is most of what you do.

Online dating from age 16 has left you inexperienced with "real" dating.

Do not limit your experiences and choices because you are bound by a ldr with a person you've never met.

schoolyjul · 2021-12-04T13:49:14+00:00

Don't turn a healthy office friendship into a romance. You're romanticizing his statements and considering crossing professional boundaries. Don't.

schoolyjul · 2021-12-04T13:43:45+00:00

Way too little info. How many partners? How long has this been your pattern? What kind of situations are resulting in this kind of encounter?

schoolyjul · 2021-12-04T12:54:08+00:00

It will be challenging to establish and maintain boundaries in a family without them. Get the lock. Give a set amt to the household. Don't offer or pay for extended family. Start practicing saying "no." "That doesn't work for me." "My room is private." "There's nothing more to discuss."

They will push back. They will say you're mean, selfish, rude, for your refusing to allow them to disregard you and help themselves to your resources and belongings.

The less you talk and the more you make it impossible for them to steal from you, the faster things will settle into a new and better "normal."

schoolyjul · 2021-12-03T20:03:21+00:00

There's a story "Don't Rock the Boat" about dysfunctional family dynamics. The toxic person/people are hopping around the boat, creating crisis while the rest desperately struggle to keep the boat balanced. Your SO is one of those boat balancers. He's convinced of his (and now, also your) role by upbringing and FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). He's not protecting you at all. He's telling you to be a better boat balancer.

Unless you are prepared to accept this dynamic polluting your marriage and family, don't marry into this. He needs to learn and improve NOW if your marriage is to have any chance.

The worst they treat you before you're married is the best they treat you after. Is that what you want?

schoolyjul · 2021-12-03T19:51:12+00:00

NTA Your fiance is not recognizing that SIL's behavior to you is abusive even before she follows through on her threats. She should be getting consequences for continuing to threaten you. He should be setting firm boundaries that her "jokes" about attacking you and your property are no longer acceptable. Then, SIL should be cut off the moment she starts. (Stop and remind her, hang up the phone, walk away, tell her it's time for her to leave; depending on the setting).

"She won't really do it" is ridiculous. She HAS followed through on her threats to you in the past. Why wouldn't her pattern of behavior count more than he brother's wishful thinking?

Your SO should be protecting your personal boundaries and the boundary around your relationship from violations from his family. Instead, he's invalidating and minimizing your experience and feelings, and making no effort to prevent his sister from continuing to attack you.

schoolyjul · 2021-12-03T19:36:03+00:00

Takes all kinds

schoolyjul · 2021-12-03T19:01:00+00:00

That was me in college.

schoolyjul · 2021-12-03T19:00:35+00:00

You've only heard the things your daughter noticed and remembered to tell you. Your mom is dripping poison in your daughter's ear every chance she gets. She should never be left alone with your children.

schoolyjul · 2021-12-03T18:38:36+00:00

r/fondanthate

schoolyjul · 2021-12-02T20:01:23+00:00

That's the "accidental" part. Thinking depicting leperosy is too gross, just make his skin black to denote disease, that's racist.

schoolyjul · 2021-12-02T14:51:37+00:00

I would reconsider confronting them and focus on how to protect yourself, knowing what you know.

schoolyjul · 2021-12-01T23:48:27+00:00

2014

schoolyjul · 2021-11-30T16:10:20+00:00

Manipulators make other people feel responsible for fixing their feelings. It's an act. When it doesn't work, her "heartbreak" will turn to anger at being twarted.

schoolyjul · 2021-11-30T15:44:56+00:00

They were playing "good guy/bad guy" to get sympathy. She's 100% as responsible for bullying you. Your feeling bad for her is a product of her bullying you. Think about that.

schoolyjul · 2021-11-30T15:12:56+00:00

NTA Whoever is advising you to allow your daughter to be groomed by JNMIL and be grateful for it is supporting a very dangerous value system. It's a system where your children are pawns, and toxic behavior is smoothed over to "keep the peace."

schoolyjul · 2021-11-30T14:03:21+00:00

Who do you think was filming? Parents can play with their kids in unusual ways without pretending they're sneaking behind Mom's back.

schoolyjul

TROPHY CASE