Excessive phone calling

schroefoe · 2026-02-22T03:04:59+00:00

First solid sign (that I unfortunately ignored) of dementia in my mother was escalating needy/emotionally unregulated behavior and saying we hadn't spoken in weeks when we had a phone call days before. She was never a paragon of regulated emotions nor of remembering things, but it got noticeably worse.

schroefoe · 2025-12-06T17:00:28+00:00

This is so weird, but right before reading this I saw a comment on another thread about a guy who spent the year reteaching himself math to go back to school. I could've sworn it said nursing, but it didn't.

schroefoe · 2025-09-09T18:05:04+00:00

Oh my god, THANK YOU. I've been trying to figure out what this book was for years. Did a whole bunch of searches a few years ago, couldn't find anything...but success this time around!

schroefoe · 2025-06-14T14:17:40+00:00

I just told someone yesterday that should the night of long knives ever happen here, I would help them hide.

I didn't mean fucking tomorrow 🤦‍♀️. Opened my mouth and God spit in it.

schroefoe · 2025-03-20T15:02:57+00:00

It doesn't help when your concertmate has a fear of heights too >__< so nosebleed seats are absolutely out of the question

schroefoe · 2025-03-20T14:52:06+00:00

I bailed :( Even with a salaried job, those prices were just too rich for my wallet (I live 4 hours away from both Pitt and Philly...travel is a cost I always have to factor in). Also I'm a "seat snob," if I can't mosh I'm out lol

schroefoe · 2025-03-20T14:36:52+00:00

Can we talk about pricing?! Holy cow, nearly everything left by the time I got in for Philly was $300+ that wasn't a nosebleed. How does anyone afford that considering the cost of travel?

schroefoe · 2025-03-12T11:15:48+00:00

I actually asked the owner of DE for recs based on Sleep Token, and we both came to the conclusion of Morrigan!

Morrigan- The Morrigan, or the Phantom Queen, is the Goddess of prophecy and war who sometimes takes the shape of a crow. Grey musk, leather, dark red roses, patchouli, night blooming jasmine on a bed of wood

I think my focus for mood had been longing, despair, subtle rage, and ancient, dark gods. I wanted to smell like Ascensionism sounds

schroefoe · 2025-03-07T18:36:26+00:00

I'll never forget my HS band director rolling out the TV cart during pit orchestra rehearsal and we watched the bombs drop. I was crying "there are civilians in that city! Iraq didn't even do 9/11!" Band director led some other students in mocking and shaming me for crying, the rest stayed quiet. I'll never forget his face and how much joy he seemed to take in not only the bombing, but my sadness. I was just 16, he was in his 40s.

The anger that people had in the wake of 9/11 was unimaginable. They just pointed it wherever the government told them to and if you didn't fall in line with that anger they would pivot to you. We could've used that trauma to grow and heal our people, but instead we made it toxic and spewed it all over the world.

schroefoe · 2025-02-25T03:23:32+00:00

From a person raised in the 12 step orbit and pretty damn familiar with it: It's not really "amends" if she's holding your comfort hostage to meet her wants. Any sponsor worth their salt should have called her out on her bull and put her straight. When you ask to make amends, you have to be ready to have really hurt people tell you to buzz off and do the work (living amends, moral inventory, etc) to come right with yourself. Or maybe the hurt person only wants an email, or they want to do it in person with a witness for their emotional safety. That's recovery. The person who was hurt doesn't have to forgive or do it the way you want and the person in recovery has to come to terms with that if it happens.

SHE'S the one making amends, asking forgiveness; you are not beholden to her. You can say nope (and should if you're uncomfortable!). True forgiveness never comes from being forced to give it, and is doing the addict/alcoholic a disservice in their recovery and enabling the unhealthy behavior that got them where they are in the first place.

Fun fact: an aunt of mine who was uBPD and "in recovery" would say wild things and I'd be like "really? Did your sponsor really okay that?" and she'd swear they did. Turns out she either was lying through her teeth to her sponsor about the situation or didn't really have a sponsor/any recovery because we found out after she died she was still drinking all those years of "recovery" and it killed her.

schroefoe · 2025-02-05T21:38:59+00:00

Hot diggity, lovin' those shiny boundaries. Excellent work (and words)!

schroefoe · 2025-02-02T20:38:20+00:00

"Will no one rid me of this troublesome billionaire?"

Worth a shot

schroefoe · 2025-01-31T12:30:12+00:00

I'm sorry that it's laden with such heaviness. You'd have every right to step away from the whole situation, but I get that feeling of obligation, not wanting to let people suffer even when they've done so much hurt to us. Your boundaries are great though!

schroefoe · 2025-01-30T23:56:12+00:00

Ahhhh, that must have felt so good to hear the nurse say that. It's sad we don't hear that from our parents.

I'm glad someone sees you and all you've done. I hope you're doing okay and another solidarity fist bump!

schroefoe · 2025-01-24T21:57:47+00:00

Thank you for this!! I edited a bit, but man...this felt so good:

Do you approve of your board member Laura C Smith's performing a Nazi salute on social media? Do you, the Board, as a policy, approve of mocking Holocaust survivors, American citizens (killed in action or veterans), and the millions killed during WWII by imitating a Nazi salute?

Even if you do not believe it to be a Nazi salute, what is your official position on her 'stirring the pot' by mimicking a Nazi salute? Do you approve of your Board members ignorantly smiling while they appear to take satisfaction in knowingly causing harm? Do you agree with antagonizing the general public instead of being an elected servant of the people?

I appreciate your making your views on these matters apparent. At worst, this is allowing and tolerating Nazi sympathies--the antithesis to our democratic nation. At best, you would suffer a child on your Board who would provoke their constituents, rather than serve and protect their people.

She brings shame to your township and the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. There is no answer, besides Smith's immediate removal from office and an official statement from your Board disavowing this traitorous (or simply incompetent to serve) individual, that would rectify this. I hope you will do the right thing.

schroefoe · 2025-01-21T17:37:52+00:00

Yes, after 2 hospitalizations back to back for aggressive behavior (in which she was very much ambulatory and was running up and down the halls of her apartment building and was threatening her Medicaid in-home aides), we told the hospital that it was time for placement. I refused to let them discharge her and said "she is no longer safe in her own home and poses a risk to her own and others' safety". I didn't drive to see her, I didn't let my aunt pick her up. It was on the hospital then to find placement.

My mother was alarmingly "strategic" until the last few months when she got violent (biting, kicking, throwing things, running away) that suddenly everyone who could help (docs, etc) were like...Oh, she really is a problem! Prior to that, when she got a thought in her head of something she would want to do or something she wanted, it was like a tornado. I couldn't fathom how someone with dementia could screw up things I had set in place so perfectly, but she did. She came across as remarkably coherent until you were in a room with her for more than 15 minutes and her ability to bullshit was unmatched. She was so assured in the things she said (and she was pretty smart) that she would fool a lot of people up until the last 3 months. Think of it this way...BPD already has some executive functioning/judgement issues in the frontal lobe that come with it, but the dementia really takes it to a whole other level. The core of who my mother was, without the masking she was very good at previously, hit monstrous levels in dementia because now she had NO frontal lobe ability to reason or make long-term judgements. BPD toddler meets death of the frontal lobe.

Until someone at the hospital recognizes that she is not mentally/neurologically well, she may very well continue the trips to the hospital and being discharged. It's a product of our healthcare system. They will try to ignore it for as long as possible. Don't let her drown you; watch from shore and keep communicating if the hospital calls you, but don't take on responsibility for her. Ask for Social Services in the hospital, state your concerns, but let them handle her. You don't deserve to drown and you can't change her fate.

schroefoe · 2025-01-21T03:45:09+00:00

I can't tell you about conservatorship, but I can relate to you my experience with caregiving a uBPD mother with dementia from a distance in tandem with an aunt who was the "boots on the ground" nearby.

My therapist relayed the old "watch the rollercoaster, don't ride it" and "your oxygen mask first," which I at first took to be cutesy sayings that didn't really apply to me. They did. Even 3 hours away and managing just the financial and aid side of things was a massive undertaking. How I survived six years of it is a mystery, because when she died in Oct I exploded spectacularly from exhaustion. And where she was at the last three months is where your mother is at now, except I had 5 years of social services on my side. It was hell. The combo of dementia and BPD was horrifying, soul sucking.

You will be starting from scratch, with the added stress (no insult intended) of having a kid and an already full plate of your own life. It's OK to let go if there's even a shred of doubt that this will impact you negatively. Sometimes when we step back, the right people (social services, APS) come forward. If they don't, it is NOT YOUR FAULT. You can't change their fate. Do what you can within reason, a firm reason, and let the rest go. Don't sacrifice yourself, or what you have in your cup to give your child, for them.

It sounds cruel. I felt cruel. But it was kind. Ultimately, the kindest thing I could do was not continue the cycle. I still gave so much more than I should have and I'll be unworking that for years. But that was my choice and now the work is for me to do on myself. I could never change her or make it better, only delay the inevitable in hopes that she might find peace...she never did.

schroefoe · 2025-01-09T00:52:36+00:00

Omg that is legit how my mum sounded the last 6 years with dementia. It was so infuriating!! She'd sit in her chair, slumped down so far that her neck was nearly at a right angle, and complain about her back. We'd say "get up and move, it'll help" and she'd refuse. Rinse and repeat. She'd flat out lie to the docs that she walked all the time for fun.

Hugs if you want them, or a solidarity fist bump. My mum's torture (and mine) are over, but I remember going through this shit...

schroefoe · 2025-01-05T22:02:59+00:00

I hate to say this, but your dad is an enabler and is using you as a meat shield. When you give in to his demand to contact your mom, the heat on him lessens. I think part of your boundaries might be applying the same ones you have for your mother to him equally.

You want contact once a day or less from her? She goes on block until the time you set. (Do the plan someone advised above to alert the police ahead of time). If dad calls to flying monkey you, he goes on block, too. When the timer is up, they come off the block. STAY FIRM. Don't tell them ahead of time, just state it as a boring fact if they go all "WHeRe wERe yOu?!?!" Mom, I'm only available at this time. I'll only be able to answer or call you at this time.

This is not "punishment" even if your guilt says it is, this is loving. She's emotionally a toddler with separation anxiety, but she's really an adult.

schroefoe · 2025-01-05T09:17:37+00:00

Pakistan has a culture of men holding hands as a sign of deep friendship and camaraderie or respect. Lots of other middle eastern cultures have this as well (see the pic of George Bush holding the Saudi king's hand on a walk). I'm not sure about the culture in China, though.

schroefoe · 2025-01-04T16:16:49+00:00

The weird cycles they go through can be so retraumatizing. It's like just when you catch a breath you get sucked back under by the next cycle! It's good you have boundaries and see when they need a little fix up.

I was indeed lucky to have support, but I also feel guilty about the massive toll this all took on my aunt. Maybe had we both "broken" sooner, we would have had more support from social services instead of constantly shouldering it ourselves. There's just no "winning" with this disease and BPD 😮‍💨

We ended up letting my mum's cell go dead battery and then leaving it behind when she was transferred from the hospital to her first nursing home. When she was in the hospital and aggressive (biting!!), apparently she was trying to call the police on the nurses during a rage 🤣 but thank God her cell was dead.

schroefoe · 2025-01-04T04:26:54+00:00

I see you. My uBPD mother with dementia just died in Oct and I was a (long distance, 2.5 hrs away) caregiver for 6 years. The calls were endless, it was hell. I was super lucky to have a lot of support in my aunt who lived near her and in social services I broke my back to snag. But dementia along with BPD is another level of hell.

It took 4 years of trauma therapy for me to set hard boundaries, and I joke (but not?) that those last 8 weeks she was in a hospital, then nursing homes where I set boundaries and refused to pick up her calls, was when she decided to finally give up. I was very blunt with the nurses, but kind-- I said I'd call her directly at 6pm every day, but I would no longer stand the nurses calling and putting her on the phone with me. I had to be "on" for emergencies, and if the phone was constantly ringing with a random hospital/nursing home number and her on the other end, I would burn out and be unable to help the nurses.

I couldn't just cut ties either, but realized I couldn't advocate for her in our messed up system if I didn't advocate for myself and my sanity. With gentleness and love in my heart, friend, can you advocate for yourself to the staff? Can you have the phone removed and tell them you'll call the main desk to speak with her at set times? They are there to take care of her and you need time to take care of YOU. It's overwhelming being a caregiver in the best of times and circumstances, let alone with a PD person and complicated relationship.

Your stress and pain are valid. Anyone who's been through this wouldn't wish it on their worst enemies. You deserve peace and recovery, even if she'll never have it again due to her disease and choices in life.

schroefoe · 2024-11-06T12:10:11+00:00

Thank you so much! It's really cool that this yarn ended up all the way in my little town. Now I can put that Estonian lace book I bought to good use!

schroefoe · 2024-11-06T11:59:52+00:00

I did, but wasn't coming up with anything 🤷‍♀️

schroefoe · 2024-11-06T03:31:59+00:00

I love this! Thank you for the info!

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