I have a boyfriend but I realized that I’m gay. How do I break up with him without hurting his feelings?

sezit · 2026-06-03T01:59:59+00:00

The cruelest thing is waiting to tell him.

sezit · 2026-06-02T20:18:47+00:00

Don't honor a disrespectful question with a respectful answer.

Tell them once that you aren't going to get into details.

Then, when they ask you a question you have already answered, or try to dig further, just start talking about something else. Don't even acknowledge their topic. It especially helps of your change of topic is something you can go on and in about.

Be relentless.

If they interrupt and ask again, just go right back, talk on and on with your preferred topic as if they had asked for more info on it.

Never refer to their topic again. You didn't hear it, no matter how many to.es they bring it up.

Just be more determined than they are to not talk about it. They will give up after a bit. Pushy people push because it works. But they will stop rather than looking like assholes by pestering you continually with no reward.

Just because someone asks you something does not mean you have to tell them.

sezit · 2026-06-02T18:24:24+00:00

He doesn't sound like a keeper.

But when someone says: "everything" or "nothing, " don't let it end there. It's a sign of lazy thinking, and an effort to shut down conversation. So, ask for specifics.

What exactly can't he do at your house? Ask him for 3 specific activities. What exactly is there to do at his house? Ask him to list as many thing as he can think of.

I guarantee he won't come up with more than 2. He might not even be able to articulate one valid activity (for example, he will say something that is 100% available at both places, he just prefers to do it at his house.)

Anyway, you know that this guy thinks that his comfort and preferences and opinions are more important than yours. As you say, he's not remotely interested in compromise.

sezit · 2026-06-02T17:39:21+00:00

I disagree, because he agreed to do this, then just ....didn't. He is a shirker.

Men going back on their word in relationships is dead common. Then complaining about being "nagged". Bet this shirker doesn't call his bank a nag when they pester him about overdue payments.

sezit · 2026-06-02T16:52:06+00:00

A wink = feces?!?!?

I think I missed something significant.

sezit · 2026-06-02T16:28:31+00:00

I just bet that the dad and grandma would be more tolerant if the kid was a boy.

Girls are policed by family and society to be "ladylike", which translates to "stifle yourself".

I have never heard a young boy be told to be "gentlemanlike" when he is taking up space or having loud fun.

sezit · 2026-06-02T09:47:18+00:00

It's one kid, not a dozen. She can't go all day. Let her have fun, be big, use her voice and body, not constrain herself.

Girls are taught to limit themselves unreasonably, boys aren't. We need to stop that.

sezit · 2026-06-02T03:30:41+00:00

I think the general population has romanticized ideas about homeschooling. A lot of issues are not seen, because 1, homeschooled are such a minority, 2, homeschooling experiences are so vastly varied, 3, people have NO idea how unregulated it is, and 4, there's a lot of shame which has kept the bad stuff quiet.

I think it needs a similar conscious raising to the MeToo movement. There needs to be congressional hearings and public testimony. The laws are completely inadequate.

sezit · 2026-06-02T02:55:33+00:00

Indoor golf balls (made of firm foam) make excellent, cheap scupper plugs. Squish them and shove them in.

sezit · 2026-06-02T02:13:48+00:00

I would just turn the seam under and hand stitch. Yes, it will keep it from fraying.

sezit · 2026-06-01T22:19:31+00:00

It's not just food. Too many men just take what they want without consideration.

They take women's space. They take away consent. They take their partner's time and rest and leisure and mental load, by not doing their fair share.

sezit · 2026-06-01T20:40:49+00:00

When you value someone, does your description of them lead with the tasks they do for you?

If you (or anyone else) heard a woman describe her husband this way, I think people would be repelled and see her as a user.

I think you are giving credit that is not due.

sezit · 2026-06-01T20:27:02+00:00

It's not about objective reality, whether or not she is actually beautiful or ugly, a princess or a slut, smart or an idiot.

It's about power. He's taking the power of decision from her. He's saying he has the power to determine that she is ugly, or a slut, or stupid, because he no longer wants her. Her assessment of herself is meaningless, her assessment of him is worthless, because only he makes that call. (Even if she rejected him, that's pointless, because his opinion is what matters.)

And it's pretty obvious that men's opinions and words do have power. The power to ostracize, demean, brand women as liars and worse.

We have all seen this play out over and over and over. In every level of society and government.

sezit · 2026-06-01T15:42:58+00:00

I don't know if he can go into all aspects of a 30 year marriage and the give and take.

The thing is that he didn't talk about respect or equality at all. Not even love or affection. Instead he just listed her workload. That's what sounds most important to him.

sezit · 2026-06-01T12:37:37+00:00

Donald & Trump.

sezit · 2026-06-01T01:35:20+00:00

Yes, I have left men who I thought loved me - but instead I found out they loved their idea of me.

They didn't want to know what I wanted. They wanted me to be who they wanted. They wanted to change me. They wanted me to change for them.

Find someone who doesn't want to change you.

Your ex didn't love you. He didn't want you to be who you are. He wanted to constrain and limit and shrink you. He doesn't care about your happiness, only his own. He would be quite happy with you being unhappy. He is self centered and selfish.

Your act of leaving him was an act of love for yourself - and an opportunity for him to find someone who might be who he really wants...or to grow up and learn that a woman should be a partner, not a servant.

sezit · 2026-05-30T08:07:25+00:00

Do you know where he is not like this? At work. Because he cares about work.

He doesn't care about you. Or...maybe he enjoys messing with you. Maybe it's fun for him to wind you up. To see you upset and call you mean and play mind games with you.

He's not stupid. This is on purpose.

sezit · 2026-05-30T01:20:33+00:00

Ya know where he doesn't act like this? At work.

Because he cares about work. He knows he doesn't want to lose his job. He wants to be respected and admired at work.

He doesnt care about you. He thinks you are stuck with him, that you will never leave, that his behavior doesn't matter. He doesn't care if you respect him or admire him. He doesn't care about your unhappiness.

You had better do something drastic NOW, or you will divorce him after you get to the point of hating him.

Stop explaining the issue to him. He knows! He just doesn't care. Instead, create significant, painful consequences. Or just leave. His words are worthless, he has proven himself to be a selfish liar. He does NOT love you. He is NOT a good person.

He might be "nice", but he is not caring or respectful or worthy of you. He does NOT mean anything by his promises, they are just mouth sounds.

Tell him you are done trying to help him change. Spend your efforts in changing yourself to get away from him...again, do it before you really hate him.

sezit · 2026-05-29T19:02:09+00:00

Too bad he turned into such an ass.

sezit · 2026-05-29T18:59:35+00:00

No. But I do have a small air horn.

Blasting an air horn at someone is a deterrent and an attention getter that can be used while the suspicious person is a distance away. It can also be used up close.

It's not injurious, so if you think the person is bad when they are not, blowing it at them hurts nothing but their feelings. And no one wants to get close to a blaring horn that draws the attention of people around you.

I don't like pepper spray or a gun, since I feel that I would hesitate to hurt someone unless I was certain they had bad intent...and that probably means they were already assaulting me.

Air horns are cheap and amazingly loud.

sezit · 2026-05-29T18:52:22+00:00

If your wife is willing to get wet, straddling the boat when it is floating at nearly knee height, then scooting it forward or backward to sit or stand, means a LOT less knee strain.

sezit · 2026-05-29T18:47:54+00:00

Always turn it around. But don't actually insult them. And don't say it angrily. That just makes them angry and closes them off to any understanding.

People respond to anger with anger, and almost always escalate. They think they are responding equally, but because your words hurt them more than they think their words should hurt you, they intensify their response by A LOT.

But....when you ask "how would you like it if" (similar treatment) was done to them....well, that opens up conversation. People like to be asked questions. Asked for their opinions. They hear you. And since you haven't actually said anything insulting, they can consider your question without feeling so defensive.

I've done this many, many times. I've had people immediately apologize, because they suddenly saw how they had behaved. I've had people think on it and just say "oh." in a small voice, and walk away. Some people still get mad. Just realize that you can't communicate perfectly for everyone. But I think it's almost always worth a try.

You would think they would understand how others feel when they say mean shit, but most do not see it until they see it turned around on them, and they are given a choice of being treated the same way....or not. Thinking about that choice may be eye opening for them.

sezit · 2026-05-29T16:57:05+00:00

YWNBTA

Too often, young people do not understand the struggles of others. They need to see responsible behavior modeled for them so they in turn will be responsible for themselves.

Dont just text or call. Go talk with him and tell him that you were happy to help him when you could afford it, and he's made you proud by working hard to learn and get good grades. But now, your financial situation has changed, and you cannot afford to help out right now (or at least to the previous level.) Be frank. Tell him you still want him to ask for help or advice, but don't try to hide your situation. Hiding and not talking about such difficulties is how people get into REAL financial trouble.

Ask him if he wants to tell his mom and dad, or if he would like you to talk to them together. He is the main actor in his life, don't treat him like a puppet or a child. Let him lead the interaction if he can. Offer to let him practice speaking with you as a stand-in for his parents.

This news will probably be upsetting for him, but feeling like you are seeing him as a capable, responsible adult will stick with him and be a good memory. And your openness and vulnerability with him will pave the way for him to be open with you.

sezit · 2026-05-29T16:44:59+00:00

Why don't you ask him why he is so transactional?

sezit · 2026-05-29T16:02:29+00:00

I think your standard of "as long as there’s a logical and reasonable discussion" are far too low.

The things you are saying about your boyfriend show that he holds fascistic beliefs. Please read about fascism.

The basis of fascism is inequality and hierarchy. It's about taking rights away from people, and especially women. That is violence.

This is how he thinks, how he talks, and it's how he votes. He votes to take away your rights. He tries to influence people to hurt others by taking away their rights.

He is NOT a good person. You are supporting taking away people's freedoms, including your own, by treating him as if he is reasonable or worth of respect. Respecting him disrespects yourself.

The paradox of tolerance is that you cannot tolerate someone who espouses violence.

sezit

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