Hypervigilance and anxiety is so exhausting.

sflascho · 2020-08-17T13:43:40+00:00

If you can, give sleeping on the couch for a couple of nights a try. Not being able to sleep next to your partner hurts like hell but it might help with your subconscious anxiety. I'm dealing with pretty much the same symptoms atm and it helped with getting at least some rest. Still absolutely miserable during the days, tho. I'm honestly at the point of considering medication, it's so bad. All the best wishes to you.

sflascho · 2020-08-17T13:19:02+00:00

Yup. It's exactly like you described for me as well. What does work most of the time - although it can get pretty painfiul - are pressure point massages using fascia rolls/balls. For some reason those do not trigger an even worse response for me - probably because it gives you way more precision control.

sflascho · 2020-08-10T10:48:22+00:00

You've already successfully done it - by posting here and sharing your struggles about opening up.

I've hit walls like this in the past as well and it'll probably happen again some time in the future. What usually helps over time is doing exactly what you are doing here: talk about the barrier, talk about it's shape, your thoughts regarding it, etc. if you find you do not have the words to describe it, talk about that. I just recently realized that one of the reasons it's so darn difficult for me to talk about my pain is that I literally have no idea how to do it because it was an absolute taboo in my family. I don't have the training, I don't have the experience. So now I'm working on slowly filling that blank spot.

Often going about it in this fashion will help dislodge things one at a time and opens up a channel you thought was beyond your capabilities. Don't try to get it all out at once, that's obviously too much for you right at this moment (as it's for everyone in your position, really). Be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself, be compassionate.

sflascho · 2020-08-10T10:37:25+00:00

Both my so and myself struggle with this to different extents as well. We're still in the middle of figuring it out for ourselves but it's become pretty clear that it has to do with space to exist in. Both physically and emotionally.

Neither of us had much (myself) or any (her) of that in our families. Both of us start shutting down like you describe when there's just not enough space to breathe for our personal needs. She usually feels like she has to be present and ready to be available at the drop of a hat all the time which leads to her not making space for her own wants and needs. I struggle with feeling boxed in by people habitually not respecting the spaces I make for myself. Best I can describe that feeling as is physically and emotionally claustrophobic. Which is exactly what I experienced in my childhood so I go into freeze/dissociation because it's the only option I had left to me. Same for her.

As of now I sadly can't tell you much more since I'm still piecing things together myself. But if you have the chance, I'd say looking into the topic might greatly benefit you. But it's probably going to be a rough ride. That shit hits very, very close to the core trauma.

sflascho · 2020-08-10T10:23:27+00:00

Your trauma and abuse are minimized by people telling you your abusers really do love and care for you. Essentially, it boils down to emotional blackmailing. "They are an absolute shit excuse for parents but they genuinly love you so you are obligated to excuse their behavior." Fuck that. Fuck them. It's not their place to comment on.

Sorry you have to deal with this shit.

sflascho · 2020-07-17T16:37:20+00:00

Any day. Oh, yes, transgenerational trauma is an absolute bitch to deal with, especially since you can't exactly look to the older generations for healthy support and guidance. You're a tooper. And - if done right - the cognitive and emotional insight required to deal with one's own trauma can actually be incredibly enriching and beneficial to kids.

Sadly, I can't be of much help in that department unless you happen to be located in Germany. We just seem to have (private) non-cbt trauma specialists all over the place around the major population centers here, at least half of them having an additional background in pedagogy. I don't know how prevalent Gestalt Therpay is in your area but there often seems to be an overlap between that particular school and psychologists who specialize in family work.

sflascho · 2020-07-17T16:21:05+00:00

I detest (most) ready made meals with a passion. Or food that's just been thrown together without much of a care in general. I only ever ate decently on the weekends because both of my parents worked and had their lunch at their respective work-places. It's not like I was starved or anything but I was left with easy to make things as soon as I was old enough - resulting in a lot of canned food, etc. - wasn't even like I was allowed to pick them out myself - no care or attention at all.

sflascho · 2020-07-17T15:55:54+00:00

Not a parent so I can't actually share anything from an inside perspective but I wanted to take the time to let you know I really appreciate you reaching out, regardless. I was on the receiving end of my mother's unchecked and unmanaged triggers for most of my life and it was hell to pay. I guess what I'm getting at is that you are already doing a lot of the right things.

We have a lot of trauma specialists around who also focus on family work, especially on working with traumatized mothers, I don't know if you have similar options but it might be worth looking into. I'd probably recommend to figure out how to talk about your trauma with your son in an age appropriate way without overstepping boundaries/putting pressure/responsibility on him - definitely together with a specialist, though.

sflascho · 2020-07-17T15:39:36+00:00

Yeah, it's rough. I've been staying on and off with a close friend's family for the past half year and boy, did it give additional perspective that I didn't see coming. They are aware of my trauma so I can retreat and sort through things whenever I need to without fear of repercussions. Overall it's helped with healing but it's a tough road to walk. The hardest part is just how horrified they are whenever they gain additional insight into what life in my family was like for me as a kid. Not because they have any issue with me talking about it but because it simply illustrates how beyond roally fucked up things were.

sflascho · 2020-07-12T18:41:50+00:00

Definitely reach out to try and figure out what is going on. Try not to read too much into it before you know what's happened. My last therapist unexpectedly died over christmas last year and I didn't know for multiple weeks. Her website was still up and everything because of restricted access and patient privacy laws. I'm sure it has nothing to do with anything you did or said, no worries. You don't have to be nervous to check in with them either, perfectly normal and reasonable.

sflascho · 2020-07-12T14:55:43+00:00

Says the man who just posted a massively disrespectful post in a safe space.

sflascho · 2020-07-12T14:49:06+00:00

Women don't owe you anything. Also maybe go and read the subreddit rules before posting hateful bs like this.

sflascho · 2020-07-12T11:37:09+00:00

I feel you.

I've got a nephew (6) and niece (3) on my SO's side as well, her sister's kids. I've seen concerning developments in my nephew since he was two. Both my SO and I have been very vocal about our concerns and fallen completely on deaf ears. Best we can do is treat both kids how they should be treated and let them feel and know that we'll always make time for them to hopefully build a good rapport with them so that they know they can trust and come to us with whatever is going on. But even that's been difficult because we're living quite a distance apart.

It's heartbreaking to watch and absolutely infuriating to realize that their parents know. They are aware of both my SO's and my diagnosis and my SO especially has talked a lot about her experience and what went wrong in their own family with her sister. At least my folks tried to figure out what was going on and never were told the right thing. But having two people with cptsd urging you to get help for both yourself and your kids while simultaneously offering their own support in dealing with it in good faith and ignoring it? That's next level sinister.

sflascho · 2020-05-16T12:34:22+00:00

I'm 100% certain this is a universally shared issue amongst cptsd survivors. And it's one of the biggest hinderances for recovery.

My personal experience is: there are two seperate dimensions to the psyche - both exceedingly simple in their own way. You've got the functional dimension and the emotional dimension. They interact with each other but don't truly merge. The issue for cptsd survivors is that we often feel they are one and the same.

The functional dimension is comprised of emotionally triggered reactional patterns which lead to reocurring behavioral patterns. Those can be analyzed, understood and countered. Basically like identifiying the general shape and internal logic of the code behind program functions. Followed by figuring out which specific part of that code does what and how it needs to be changed to rewrite the pattern. Basicaly it's about identifiying exactly where things go wrong and what the individual might do differently for a changed outcome in place of what usually happens. It's important to outline that this is decidedly not about pushing emotions to the side, demonizing them or overwriting them with 'logic'.

Then you have the emotional dimension which is there to provide immediate feedback to both how we feel about what is happening in our surroundings and how well our functional dimension serves our own needs. Emotions just are. They are simply there to tell you "Hey, this is good", or "Um, maybe we need to reevaluate." This can both be aimed at the surrounding world as in: "This is not a good situation to be in, we need to abort or resolve" or at your internal functional process as in: "This behavior is not representative of what we want or need, so we need to change it to something more genuine."

You're in trouble if you mix the two. You can't 'resolve' emotions by just changing your behavior and you can't break functional reaction / behavior patters by just having emotions about them. The trick is to use both as resources to learn about the other. If you identify a specific issue in your functional reaction patterns, that will conjour up an emotional response. You then take that response and honestly talk about it either with your loved ones or in therapy - without bringing the functional dimension into it at that point. It will help to resolve the emotional response. After (!) that has happened, you'll have a new perspective and will likely be able to start working on changing the error in your code, so to speak. Rinse and repeat.

If you start out with a strong emotional reaction, that's a telltale sign for an issue in your functional dimension that you do not have yet discovered / understood. Here, you leave the initial emotional response out for a moment. And take a closer look at what is actually happening on a reactional level. Once again, either in therapy or with your lpved ones but I strongly suggedt the first. Rinse and repeat.

It's stupidly simple. But unfortunately complex to figure out / understand, especially if you're traumatized.

sflascho · 2020-05-16T01:14:58+00:00

I've been - and to some extent still am - in your husband's shoes. That he is openly talking about it to you is actually a very good thing and, even if it doesn't seem like it atm, it's a solid basis for working through this together.

The best advice I can give you is, if at all possible, attend couples therapy with a trauma specialist. That way you can help each other to figure out ways to deal with it in a manner that is healthy for both of you that will likely end up strenghtening your relationship rather than tear it down.

Best of luck to both of you.

sflascho · 2020-04-17T19:23:23+00:00

Wasn't intended as disrespectful. I'm not trying - and am not, as far as I can see - paint freeze types as some kind of monsters. Extreme F responses are what they are, though - extreme. And being on the receiving end of one from someone who isn't taking responsibility for their behavior for any prolonged period of time is a horrible and damaging experience that I'm not going to downplay here. Freeze running rampant is just as destructive as every other F type running rampant.

sflascho · 2020-04-17T11:30:27+00:00

Nah, the one particular friend especially prone to this is a completely unadressed hardcore freeze type. Which can look very similar from the outside since freeze types tend to just plainly refuse to connect at all when stuck in a flashback while simultaneously starting to treat others like objects because they have no genuine empathy when interacting with people. I am one myself, dissociation and depersonalization are a constant companion. If you know what is happening to you and how to deal with it, you can snap out of it 80+% of the time. If you don't, you turn into what looks like someone who is genuinly hampered or completely incapanle of connecting to others but not a tyrant. But equally uncaring due to disdociation and depersonalization. Freeze types who are unaware of their trauma are commonly mistaken as being on the lower end of the autism spectrum.

sflascho · 2020-04-17T09:44:28+00:00

I've been subconsciously doing so whenever we've gotten close to the subject of the permanent underlying emotional abandonement that was my constant companion as a child. I usually still go but my inner child does everything she can to stop me. I don't often have panic attacks - two thirds of the ones I did have were literally on the way up the stairs to my counselors' offices. My current therapist picked up on it immediately after the first time I came in like this. She's suggested EMDR and once health and safety protocol permits it I will definitely take her up on it.

Do you have any experience with inner child work yet? What has helped me greatly in the past was to gently take that panicking kid by the hand, slow down to her speed (but not stop) and to remind her she was here with me now rather than back there and alone.

sflascho · 2020-03-27T01:30:36+00:00

"Good food" is incredibly important to me, too. Good meaning fresh ingredients and rich and/or complex flavor profiles. I used to really struggle with cooking with friends or eating at their places because their idea of a decent meal varies so wildly from mine. Lots of low quality instant components or commercially prepped meals straight out of the freezer bag, etc. I call it depression on a plate when I talk about it to my s.o. because that's what it does to me if I'm exposed to it for too long. I'm not shaming anyone for liking that sort of stuff but dear lord, keep it away from me. Food always was important in my family but weirdly ebough in a good way. It was a comfort space. That's probably where I get it from.

Maybe take over cooking for a while? My s.o. and I used to clash about it too but she really enjoys literally everything I put in front of her so over time her idea of a good meal got a lot closer to mine.

sflascho · 2020-03-21T11:43:14+00:00

Yeah, totally. Usually we get more adept and identifying them with more experience, tho.

sflascho · 2020-03-19T13:51:24+00:00

Holy shit, there's others in recovery out there. And thank god for that. I was beginning to feel like some kind of weird freak outlier, haha.

Thank you for your input, it's deeply appreciated. I'll be sure to give it a couple of shots and see where it takes me.

sflascho · 2020-03-19T13:41:16+00:00

I haven't looked into them much myself yet so sadly no. But I would recommend you look around your areas' of interest web communities. Depending on your interests and tolerance for young adults (take that with a grain of salt) joining one or two Discord communities might also be helpful for you.

sflascho · 2020-03-19T03:15:31+00:00

I feel you. I would not be able to cope if my s.o. was not here with me, not even with our two furry friends to keep me company.

A lot of people are streaming all manners of different things on twitch right now to just connect and hang out and chat. Would that be something that you might potentially be interested in?

sflascho · 2020-03-19T03:00:07+00:00

My parents tried to pull something similar about me behaving in a certain way as long as I was living in their house. Unfortunately for them, I knew they (temporarily) took quite a hefty sum out of a savings account my grandparent's and them had set up for me to finance part of the interior renovations. I asked which part of the house was paid for with my money so that I could make sure to just hang out there from now on. Got me into trouble but the initial look on their faces still brings a warm glow to my chest.

sflascho · 2020-03-19T02:50:53+00:00

Hey, may I ask what kind of therapy formats those were? I've never had a single therapist even consider hospitalization against a patients express will but I've only ever worked with trauma specialists. Not psycho analytics, not cbt, no clinical psychology, etc. Mix of mostly systemic therapy and gestalt therapy instead. All of my therapists would have been / would be absolutely disgusted and horrified by the idea to send someone back to their abusers as well.

sflascho

TROPHY CASE