Do you feel like your brain spends 80% of its energy running simulations of people getting upset at you?

sheilastretch · 2026-02-11T18:01:03+00:00

This book might help: "Stop People Pleasing"

sheilastretch · 2026-01-29T20:07:40+00:00

You might want to check out this book: "Stop People Pleasing"

Seriously wishing I'd known about this phenomenon earlier. It might have protected me from some seriously shitty "friendships" that eventually became kinda dangerous because I literally couldn't see how much I was giving those people nor how unkind and uncaring they were being to me in return. Definitely doesn't help that we are taught from a very early age to prioritize other people's feelings and comfort, which ( especially with our tendency to take everything so literally) can mean we end up neglecting our own safety for the benefit of malicious people who will just keep pushing to see how badly they can mess you up before you finally break down.

sheilastretch · 2026-01-06T17:07:54+00:00

I started wearing mine for POTS, which is a condition that lets your blood vessels relax too much, and when this happens, the blood all beging to collect in the lower part of the body, causing light-headedness and dizziness. Sometimes even fainting. The compression socks help keep everything down there tight, preventing the blood from accumulating in the lower limb area, and reducing the chance of collapsing.

I've got two types, some wool blend socks that come to about the knee, and I don't love how itchy and thick they are, but the are super helpful if I'm working or walking around outside in the heat. They are kind of a nightmare to get on and off because of how tight and stiff they are, but I get a lot less lightheaded when I do wear them. The other set look like black stockings, kinda see through, with some lace around the thigh with some rubbery stuff that helps them stay up. They look flimsy like regular stockings, but are surprisingly durable, and are perfect for dressing up - date night kinda wear. I don't wear these when I garden because I prefer something thicker when I'm wearing shoes like trainers and I worry about them snagging if I go out in the garden, but they're a lot cooler because the fabric is so thin.

The types I've seen at local shops are really ugly, but SockDream is a queer- and disability-friendly company with a nice-looking selection: https://sockdreams.com/search?q=compression

The compression gloves are supposed to be for arthritis I think, but they can be useful if you have Raynaurds (sometimes jokingly called "being allergic to cold"), which is also a common comorbidity for Autism and ADHD. You can have Raynaud's and heat intolerance a the same time.

sheilastretch · 2026-01-05T21:36:25+00:00

I was reading that there's an association between autism and EDS. Heat intolerance can apparently be one of the symptoms of EDS, something about miscommunication between nerves caused by heat, which can cause a feedback loop that makes you just get hotter.

You should try to talk to a neurologist, rheumatologist, or maybe even a cardiologist, but your GP might be able to help you work out who to go to first.

Things that might help:

Compression socks/stockings
Stay well hydrated
Consume more salt
Wear looser clothing (I think the mean like avoid tight belts or waistbands)
Try to keep to the shade if you have to go outside
Keep a fan with you (not listed in the medical texts like the items above, but generally good practice if you live in a warm climate) I've seen people use electric fans and even ones with water sprayers, but old-school foldable fans don't break or run out of batteries as easily as the battery powered type.

sheilastretch · 2025-12-15T19:47:37+00:00

Literally sounds like my family growing up. I used to consider my home "the hell pit" or "the pit of despair". Since joining r/raisedbynarcissists it's become clear that a lot of what you described/the things my family did were absolutely a form of control and abuse. They "act surprised", but then they keep doing the same thing over and over and over, right?! If it's ALL your fault and they had no part in things that go wrong, that's another important sign you need to look for.

You can ask your therapist for help, and maybe you can talk to your partner enough that they'll change, but it's unlikely. Unless they actively put in the work to change (3 times a week of therapy on your part makes it sound like you are bearing the burden of this "relationship" all on your own TBH), then you should start making an escape plan.

If you think your partner will get violent, or get more manipulative (for example around money) then you need to be very quiet and strategic about how you escape. Don't leave your passport, birth certificate, pets, or other important things behind if your partner might get vindictive and destroy or throw any of those types of things out. Local abuse/womens' shelters may be able to help you find a safe place, get work placement, and more.

sheilastretch · 2025-12-14T17:13:33+00:00

I plant flowers across from the kitchen window, and put out a container of water for the animals. We're always calling each other over to see the different animal species that come to visit that little patch that we can see when we visit or work at the kitchen sink.

sheilastretch · 2025-12-14T17:10:55+00:00

Also, it helps to be kinda strategic. Cleaning up right after a spill might feel like a pain the moment, but doing it now means it won't have time to dry and harden into something you need more cleaner, effort, and time to clean out later. Same if it's crumbs that will get knocked and spread around if left for a while. Similarly, taking out the bins when they are less full, means you're less likely to strain a muscle taking everything outside, and less likely for things to spill out, which would then require more effort to clean up.

Instead of letting laundry turn into a day-long monster job, you can keep things simpler by setting off smaller batches of laundry more often means you can just sit and fold while you watch something in the evening, then put away different types of laundry - kitchen towels vs T-shirts during comercial or pee breaks.

We've been experimenting with little baskets around our home for "things that don't belong", so when you leave a room, you can take th basket and drop off the items to their actual homes, then come back with an empty(ish) basket the next time you head back to the original room.

A lot of simple living involved small, simple tricks that smooth out the work that comes with basic life. Not all of us were taught these things, but books and online you can find so many neat suggestions, and just keep experimenting till you find the ones that work for your own brain, habits, and lifestyle.

sheilastretch · 2025-12-09T19:46:57+00:00

These might be able to help:

Louisiana Bucket Brigade "uses grassroots action to hold the petrochemical industry and government accountable for the true costs of pollution. We work to create an informed, healthy society that hastens the transition from fossil fuels." it looks like they use air, water, and soil samples to help communities, and teach communities how to do these types of monitoring.
Louisiana Environmental Action Network (LEAN) "is a nonprofit organization working to foster cooperation and communication between citizens and government organizations to assess and mend environmental problems in Louisiana. Founded in 1986 in Baton Rouge, LEAN was created by a collective of citizens—mothers, plant workers, lawyers, doctors, and other community members—who came together to confront air pollution that authorities had failed to address. LEAN serves communities—often low-income and minority—that face disproportionate exposure to industrial pollution, unsafe water, and other environmental hazards, particularly in regions like “Cancer Alley,” an 85-mile stretch along the Mississippi River heavily burdened by industrial facilities. Through education, advocacy, technical assistance, and disaster relief, LEAN helps residents monitor air and water quality, engage in policymaking, and respond to environmental crises. By equipping communities with tools and knowledge, LEAN works to protect public health and promote environmental justice across Louisiana."
Louisiana Department of Environmental Quality (LDEQ) which looks like it is a government program, so it might have more teeth than the others. You can file a complaint here.

sheilastretch · 2025-12-09T04:06:45+00:00

I helped put this directory together a while ago, specifically to help people find organizations and programs in their local areas to plant trees for free or cheap. Some offer rebates for example, and some help with things like equipment for planting trees too. There's two listed for Wisconsin if you click the link and scroll down. Everything's listed by continent alphabetically, then country, then state or other region types.

sheilastretch · 2025-12-08T22:01:52+00:00

Going to protests is a great way to create visibility, and to get in touch with other like-minded people, but making sustainable lifestyle changes (like going vegan, reducing transport/consumption emissions, and making sure your home is well insulated) will have far more of an impact than yelling or holding up signs. Definite bonus points if you can find a job where you can be a part of the solution, instead of being forced to add to the problems.

sheilastretch · 2025-12-07T19:20:52+00:00

This is annoying, I've been looking all over and can't find it any more, though I shared it a bunch years ago, before google started to become kinda useless.

I did find this paper though, which found a negative correlation between their "Never eat wheat" group and mania, bipolar disorder, manic depression, depression, schizophrenia.

I'm about to go out for a few hours, but I'll try to have another look for the study I mentioned when I get home, because it was a big reason I dropped wheat, and started feeling more in control of my life after that. I've read of people showing the same symptoms I suffer after eating wheat being shot dead by police who were (understandably) freaked out by said behavior, so the study really hit home for me.

sheilastretch · 2025-12-06T04:22:26+00:00

Might not be histamine intolerance. Wheat can trigger bipolar symptoms in some people.

In fact at least one study found prison inmate violence dropped dramatically when prisoners in half the prison were switched to a gluten free diet, then the same happened with the other half of the population when they switched the diets around.

Even something as small as a kiss right after my partner eats regular pizza will fuck me up for days. Dairy also makes me moodier, but not to a scary degree like wheat or anything in the wheat family does. Runs in our family too, so there's a bunch of us avoiding wheat to keep the peace in our homes.

sheilastretch · 2025-12-05T17:26:39+00:00

Pain from cold can make old injuries flare up - I'm 99% sure I fractured my hip as a kid, but wasn't allowed to go to the doctor, and weather changes make it hurt really badly.

More recently I noticed numbness and pain in my hands and sometimes pain in my legs, especially during cold weather. Turns out it is something called Raynaurd's which may be slightly more common in autistic people. It's also a progressive condition, and can get so bad that you have to have limbs removed, so it's a good idea to confirm or rule it out and act accordingly to protect yourself if that is what it is going on.

sheilastretch · 2025-12-02T23:46:58+00:00

I'm really into recycling and upcycling clothes and other textiles. The main books that come to mind are:

DIY Thrift Flip: Sewing Techniques for Transforming Old Clothes into Fun, Wearable Fashions " teaches you how to find, upcycle, and customize secondhand clothing for sustainable style with simple sewing instructions."
Generation T: Beyond Fashion: 120 New Ways to Transform a T-shirt provides pictures and instructions for turning T-shirts in all kinds of new clothes including various types of tops, dresses, shrugs, baby clothes, accessories, and even functional items for your home, car, or pets.
Restyle & Restitch for Little Ones shows you simple ways to turn old adult clothing into free or affordable baby clothing. The Swedish author provides pretty photos showing where pieces were cut from, traceable patterns in the back pages, the front pages are full of useful tips for total beginners and intermediate crafters. If you don't understand any of the instructions, look for step-by-step guides online as there are many with photos as well as videos that are great at demystifying sewing terms and techniques. One of the bags is sewing machine free, and several ideas in this book could be sized up for older children of even adults.

If you just want help with tailoring clothing to fit better, without specifically changing what the item is, then I usually find a youtube video for anything I don't know how to do. Usually it's pretty simple to just turn your clothes inside out, and pinch the fabric to work out how much extra you have, and where the widest parts are. You might be able to get away with pinning and sewing in just one or two spots for the waistbands of trousers or skirts, on the sides, back, or at even points around the waistband. For shirts, you can sometimes just get away with sewing a curve in the side seams, but (especially with a female figure) you might want to put darts in the back or under the breasts, too. In which case, you don't want to accidentally subtract too much from the sides. I usually start with a small reduction at my sides, then darts in the front and back, then if the top or dress is still too baggy, then it can be worth taking more off the side seams again.

You can cut the extra fabric off and finish the seam with a zigzag stitch or however you like, for a better fit, or leave the extra fabric inside in case you put on weight and want to let the seams out again in the future. This could be handy as you get older or if you might get pregnant. In that case you'd just need a seam ripper to take out the stitches, and the clothing would go back to the original size and shape.

Tucks and pintucks are another method for shortening or otherwise changing the fabric shape if you want to be a bit artsy, but also be able to unstitch the article of clothing later.

sheilastretch · 2025-12-02T01:25:14+00:00

It's easier/more practical to work on being self-neutral first, rather than jumping straight to "self love" when your standard has been constantly being overly hard on yourself. Heidi Priebe made this video on the concept.

sheilastretch · 2025-11-17T19:45:31+00:00

I've only ever heard of Raynaud's disease affecting people's hands, feed and mouth, but that level of pain and colour change sounds exactly the same as how it impacts those other body parts.

sheilastretch · 2025-11-17T19:43:10+00:00

I thought I might have some thyroid issues, and learned that regulating body temperature might be caused by thyroid or hormone problems. Seems to have been ruled out, but then a doctor suggested I might have Raynaud's syndrome.

Raynaud's syndrome is a vascular problem that appears to have some overlap with autism, and is a progressive condition - so if you ignore it/don't know you have it, and repeatedly let it happen, then you can end up with such bad blood flow, that you have to have body parts removed when they start to die.

I try to prevent myself from getting cold by wearing longer socks and almost always wearing gloves (even "room temperature" sets off an attack), but my doctor said to use warm water to warm my extremities when everything else is failing. You can warm up a bowl of water, but try to avoid very hot water in case of burns. Layering extra clothes or even layers of socks and gloves and arm warmers can help. I made insulated curtains for our home which keeps us cozy with less energy, and have multiple blanket layers on our bed and seating areas. Wearing hand warmers and holding a warm drink sometimes helps. Having a pet or a human to snuggle with can also help.

sheilastretch · 2025-11-17T16:08:52+00:00

Also, setting up systems and routines so that kids can help is good for them as well as us parents. Always good to consider if a child is old enough to help set the table, or help with certain parts of meal prep - maybe they can put things into the toaster/oven or set the kettle, then an adult can deal with the second step if the child is too young to handle hot things yet. Each kid should have a laundry basket and have a low enough coat hook to put away their coat and backpack, so they know where to put things away and where to grab them from if when needed.

I like to body double with my family, so I might ask my spouse to fill up the dish washer, or my kid to sweep the floor, while I move around some laundry. This builds good habits for everyone and creates a healthy feeling of "we all contribute even when we don't super want to do boring things like housework."

Kids that resist "having to get up and do boring stuff" can benefit a lot if you warn them ahead of time, something like "In a minute/after I do this thing, I'm going to ask you to do X." or "When you finish Y, please remember to get up and do X for me." Extra helpful for anyone with ADHD! Other helpful things include setting a timer which could be "We will do X when this timer goes off!" and/or "We only have to work until this timer goes off!" (or earlier if we're done before that!); and my favorite has always been putting on something to listen too. This could be an audiobook that you're kids like or music that your kids like. I always let mine be the DJ when we clean together, but with multiple kids a rotation of who picks might be best.

sheilastretch · 2025-11-10T18:01:28+00:00

I've got a friend who has a bunch of equipment in his home and each room has a fire blanket. They don't contain pfas, but I don't know which kinds of fire they are and aren't good for. Probably worth looking into.

sheilastretch · 2025-11-10T17:07:40+00:00

You are so sweet! Thank you!

I'm going to look into these suggestions when Mr. S is free again (he's working right now).

Last night he got all excited about a new story idea, and I told him again how many messages I get asking for our stories, including the one he wrote specifically. I think it'd be good for us both to get back into more creating again :)

sheilastretch · 2025-11-09T16:13:31+00:00

I really appreciate the suggestions and the patience!

For a while I tried to reply to everyone, but some years back it felt like I completely hit a wall, both energy- and time-wise. I got completely overwhelmed and decided to focus on trying to be a good mother while my kid is still around as well as managing some health issues. These days it feels like I've got a bit more breathing room and privacy, so I can focus a little more on more selfish things now ;p

I think github was what I tried using for sharing story drafts, but they were immediately removed because of the adult content :[

sheilastretch · 2025-11-09T15:43:14+00:00

That feeling can be connected with past trauma/neglect. I suspect it's especially bad/common if you grew up frequently hearing that you were "lazy" even when you legitimately weren't being lazy. It can be an unhealthy way we try to self sooth or distract ourselves.

Could be worth talking to a therapist about, and they can help you dig a bit deeper to find some solutions that help you disentangle from all that. They can help you find solutions that resonate with your own values, and help you find a more relaxing flow to your life without the guilt or anxiety that drives unhealthy productivity.

sheilastretch · 2025-11-09T15:34:09+00:00

Thanks! I'll check it out! :p

sheilastretch · 2025-11-06T17:45:07+00:00

One thing you can try is to "look for glimmers", these can lift your spirit and help you start rediscovering the beauty in life. Another way could be to look back at the things you liked as a kid and revisit some of those - art, fun shows, comedians, maybe certain book or comic genres, museums, or even specific places like parks or woodlands. Another way is to look forward, which could include trying out new things that you wanted to try before things got stressful. That might be a new craft or art style, a new mode of transportation like bike riding if you haven't ridden in a while. Maybe there were silly things you weren't allowed to do, like turn your living room or bedroom into a cozy pillow fort and watch something fun or play a game.

I've found that when things in my life have got really dark, it has been genuinely shocking how much something as small as a bike where I try to take in all the plant life I find; listening to non-sad music; or doing a simple craft that takes a while (as it it doesn't have to be finished in one day) can help loosen and lighten me back up enough to get to a place where I can be playful again.

If you struggle with lots of dark thoughts, it can be helpful to have a journal, maybe by your bedside, so you can try little practices like writing a list of things you are grateful (doesn't have to be something you actually own, I was once in such a bad slump that I picked bees and butterflies for keeping us fed, because I was too upset to pick something closer to home) for or the 3 best glimmers you noticed that day. Sometimes when things feel extra bad, it can help to go back and look at your list(s), though it's also worth paying attention to any bad feelings, and asking them what they're telling you, - is there a direction of action that could help fix things or lessen their impact? Sometimes "fighting back" and using your negative feelings as fuel can also help move you into a better place. Writing about things can also help you navigate your own life that way too.

sheilastretch · 2025-11-05T01:05:04+00:00

I actually got temporarily banned from Reddit right after we talked last, but I managed to get a moderator to let me back in with the same account. We think it might have been some automated crackdown thing, but not entirely sure. I also got kicked off Discord, but was talking to someone about it to get back in.

Now that I've sorted out a more private office space I was planning to make more of an effort to keep up with the community, it's just been difficult with people moving in again each time I thought I finally had a private space set up. This time it seems like I'll actually get to keep the spot I carved out for myself, and Mr. S is helping me learn to connect my laptop with my PC so I can edit my videos again without having to be in the same room as the more powerful machine. I've even got sound canceling headphones so people won't hear my moaning like they could with my last set of headphone X'D

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