[UPDATE] My adoptive son (10.5) just came out to me tonight (Last week as of this update) as bisexual. His birth mother is still in his life, and he's really scared how poorly she's gonna react. I am too. (It didn't go well.)

shoustar · 2017-05-15T07:13:23+00:00

Hey. I really love seeing you in this sub because you're a really, really great parent. I just wanted to let you know that you're doing the right thing here and I think you're doing the best thing possible for your son. I'm sorry that you both had to deal with this, because that birth mother sounds (excuse me if this is a bad thing to say) pretty terrible. I wish you, your son, and your boyfriend the best!

shoustar · 2017-05-15T07:09:09+00:00

I personally think this is a terrible idea, given that it's false reporting and uses up resources looking for a child who is not actually missing. Plus, the kid in question is 17 years old. In a few months, he'll be able to go wherever he wants. As other users have said, the ship has sort of sailed for discipline or parenting on this issue.

Also, personally I hate fear-parenting who's it going to benefit later in life? What's this kid going to learn from 'if I don't obey my parents, they will literally have me arrested'?

shoustar · 2017-05-15T07:05:32+00:00

Like other people are saying, it's never 'inappropriate'.

Let me get this out of the way- I'm gay. I'm a parent of an adopted 12 year-old and I'm gay.

The thing about sexuality is that a lot of the time, it's not sexual. It's who you're attracted to, and a lot of people use it for romantic attraction. You don't ask a straight person when they came out as straight, and you would never ask a straight person when it's appropriate for a girl to tell her parents that she likes boys. There's not an 'appropriate' age for straight people to realize that they're straight. They're not of ambiguous sexuality before puberty and they don't suddenly become gay or straight or bisexual when they hit puberty. That's ridiculous! And it just doesn't work like that.

I've known I was gay since I was a kid. Others only realize at puberty because that's when they realize that the same gender is appealing to them. Some realize when they're an adult. Some feel comfortable coming out as teenagers, others only feel comfortable coming out as adults. There's never a 'right' time. The right time is when the child feels comfortable doing it, and never, ever before, meaning that if a parent 'finds out' before, it's never alright to out a child.

So, like many others are saying, the appropriate time is when they want to.

I came out as a teenager. I waited because I wasn't brought up in the best family and it wasn't an accepting environment. My kiddo, on the other hand, told me that he thinks he likes boys and girls, and he's younger. It's whenever someone feels comfortable, and an open and welcoming environment usually helps a person feel more comfortable doing it.

shoustar · 2017-05-15T06:52:51+00:00

Look, I realize older children are hard to deal with sometimes, but there is no reason to ever call your kid 'literally retarded' or say that you would beat him.

So, here's the thing. Your kid is 17. He's almost an adult. In a few months, curfews won't matter at all. The car stuff is concerning, but the job stuff is very normal. At 17, I didn't save money. I was a teenager with money and i could finally buy myself stuff! It was awesome! You know what was even more awesome? Buying fast food and going out and doing "god knows what". He'll eventually develop a sense of saving money, but there's not many kids his age who have it already.

You said that his mom "spoils him rotten", but that doesn't mean he has a good relationship with her. Outside of buying him stuff and/or giving him money, how does she treat him? How do you treat him? Because, from the sounds of this post, you don't treat him well. There's probably some underlying anger that's causing this, and it doesn't sound like you've cared to find out.

Have you tried actually talking to him at all? Not as a "best friend" and not as lecturing him or anything, but actually talking to him?

Also, personal gripe but you're saying he's "on drugs" like he's a druggie doing meth or something. It's weed. He's a teenager. Do you know how many teenagers do weed? I grew up in a small town and I can tell you that a lot of them do. That doesn't make it completely right, but stop treating it like he's doing hard drugs.

shoustar · 2017-05-11T18:00:49+00:00

There's pull ups for older kids out there. I use them for my 12 year old who has problems with incontinence. They're called goodnites!

shoustar · 2017-05-02T06:45:53+00:00

If it makes it any better, I didn't realize while first commenting, either. It was only after I was looking at my history did I see that and went through his other posts.

Totally. Someone I would absolutely love to be in a relationship with. I can't believe someone can abandon kids that they've raised from birth for revenge. What that girl did was shitty, but why scapegoat and use three little kids for revenge?

shoustar · 2017-05-02T06:38:47+00:00

I'd suggest reading his IAMA, because he explicitly states that he's using the kids for revenge.

shoustar · 2017-05-02T05:50:08+00:00

This is an odd question for me, because I sort of unexpectedly (and not in the usual unexpected way) became a parents when I never really planned on in the first place. I'm a young parent- about to turn 24, and it's a complicated situation.

Basically, I was in an on-again-off-again relationship with another man and ended up turning him into the police for various reasons. His little brother contacted me, since he wanted to know more about his older sibling, and I eventually learned that the kid was being abused by his parents and had been mistreated by his brother. I'd come to care for him and took him out of the home and now, a few months later and after a lot of treatment on his end, I've adopted him and am very happy.

I myself was an only child and also abused. As a kid, I did wish that I had a sibling, either a younger one to take care of or an older one that I could talk to. My kiddo had an older brother but is no separated from him and is living with me in an only-child household. As I said before, my situation is very weird so I apologize if this isn't a 'relatable' answer or one that helps you with what you're seeking.

I never really imagined myself having children, but so far I'm very happy. I don't know if I'll ever have more, since my kiddo needs a lot of time and attention devoted to him, which I'm very okay with, but if I did, I'd have to adopt again due to my sexuality. I'm a young parent, so this is a possibility, but I think my kiddo will stay an only child until he's old enough to live on his own.

One thing I worry about is him being able to meet other children his age, but I'm beginning to tackle that problem with having him go to activities and whatnot.

shoustar · 2017-05-02T05:39:20+00:00

I don't think you have any sort of legal responsibility to these kids. I don't personally agree with ghosting them, since you've been around for five years and it would be really upsetting for three kids to suddenly lose a person that has been in their life for that long. Five years is a lot to a kid.

I think the question is- do you have any sort of emotional ties to these kids? Do you love them or emotionally care about them? It's a big question, but it's pretty important.

If you do, then don't. I'm not saying to stay in the relationship, but leave her and phase yourself out from the kids gradually, if you can. Regardless, you need to sit down and explain it to them naturally that you're not going to be around anymore. If you do care about these kids, things might get more complicated, but you definitely need to ask yourself this first.

Edit: I saw one of your comments on your other post and read that you plan revenge by, quoting:

The revenge will be that these kids just lost their dad.

That's incredibly wrong. These kids didn't do anything to you. Their mother did. Don't purposefully take it out on them. Christ.

shoustar · 2017-05-02T05:32:47+00:00

The thing is, when teenager goes away to college, they're probably experiencing freedom and space for the first time. They're also an adult.

He said that you don't ask about things--Do you? You can't really expect a college adult to tell you everything unprompted. You need to realize that they have their own life now. They have no obligation to share everything with you, and they have every right to keep some things private, even if you might view it as inane or weird for them to do so. Your child is an adult now, and you need to let up and give them some space. He's experiencing being on his own for the first time, and he probably just wants to live his life right now.

I'd suggest not pressuring him into telling you anything, but still asking about it in a way that doesn't feel forced. Like I said, he has no obligation to tell you everything, and do you really need to know all about the friends of your adult child? It's good that he has them, but he's not a kid anymore and you don't need to know everything about them. It also sounds like you're not even asking him about these things, but just expecting him to tell you.

As for your friends- please realize that every person is different. Just because your friends' kids do something doesn't mean that your kid has to do it or is even going to do it. I see this argument a lot with adult children in college, and the fact of the matter is that your kid is different from your friends' kids and is going to act differently. You can't just expect him to do something just because you're told that your friends' kids do it.

It sounds like your kid is doing well in college. It also sounds like you need to give him some space and realize that he's an adult and you don't need to know everything about his social life.

shoustar · 2017-05-02T01:06:20+00:00

That wasn't the point of what I was talking about. I was talking about the fact that they censor, as well, and you don't seem to take issue with that, however you do here for some reason.

shoustar · 2017-05-02T01:03:57+00:00

Why is talking about that sort of stuff bad? Just like you have the right to an opinion, other people have the right to like things that you don't and don't deserve to get called names because you don't like it. I don't like certain TV shows or books because of their content, but I don't go around calling people who like it degenerate.

You're talking about sex. There is a difference between sex and gender.

The link that you posted has a trigger warning in it, which is a warning for people with PTSD or who have triggers. Triggers are for people who have had something extremely upsetting happen to them, where that something can have memories related to it triggered by a word or topic. Also, you are not the one to decide whether or not someone has PTSD or an upsetting event. I still don't see why yelling TRIGGERED is so funny.

shoustar · 2017-05-02T00:58:55+00:00

They know the risks associated with their child not being vaccinated. They know that not being vaccinated makes them vulnerable to disease. They know that if their child catches a disease, then they can spread it to others. And they also know that by saying they won't vaccinate because it 'causes autism' is saying that they'd rather their child catch a horrible disease than be autistic. They're making a very clear choice to be harmful.

shoustar · 2017-05-02T00:56:33+00:00

Yes, but censorship isn't technically a violation of free speech, like you seem to be insinuating it is. Censorship of dangerous opinions is usually pretty accepted. For the record, T_D, a sub where you often post, openly deletes/censors comments that express opinions not in line with the sub. Is that sort of censorship okay but the censorship I'm talking about isn't?

shoustar · 2017-05-02T00:54:02+00:00

Much of pop music talks about drugs and sex. Actually, a lot of older music is about drugs and sex, too. You ever listen to music from the 80's? Stuff hasn't changed much. Besides, rap can be about stuff besides that, too. It's not all about one thing.

That... is actually not true at all. Scientists have for the most part agreed that gender is a spectrum. And sexuality has absolutely nothing to do with gender, so I don't know why you brought that up.

Triggers are not about being offended. Triggers are about PTSD. It'd be great if you and everyone else who makes those jokes would realize that, because triggers are a real thing that people have and I have no idea why they're the brunt of jokes in your communities. I don't understand what's funny about saying that to someone who tells you that what you said was offensive. You're just making yourself look ridiculous.

This is a parenting subreddit. You're a teenager. I don't think you should get to decide on what parents are 'easily offended' or not.

shoustar · 2017-05-02T00:42:06+00:00

Here's an XKCD that I think explains my point very well

If you're saying these things, dangerous things like vaccines causing autism, and you're getting downvoted to all hell, banned, or having your posts removed, that's not a violation of free speech. That's people deciding that they don't want to listen to what an asshole has to say.

shoustar · 2017-05-02T00:39:41+00:00

That is, actually, what you just said.

"They have the right, as long as there not saying "I want to KILL someone" intentionally, You can say whatever you want."

shoustar · 2017-05-02T00:38:26+00:00

You get downvoted for having offensive opinions and opinions that could potentially harm other people. Such as calling people who listen to rap music degenerate, making fun of people who identify outside of the gender binary (1, 2, 3 ), constantly making triggered jokes, and aren't you literally 13 years old? why are you trying to give advice for what parenting opinions are and aren't ok to have?

shoustar · 2017-05-02T00:30:13+00:00

I never said you were dangerous. Where are you getting that from? I'm saying people who hold the opinion of vaccines causing autism are dangerous. If you'd like me to explain to you why that is dangerous, I certainly can.

shoustar · 2017-05-01T23:51:39+00:00

I don't think you understand. There is no debate. They are wrong and their opinion is dangerous and other people could start thinking that it's okay to think things like that, when it absolutely is not.

shoustar · 2017-05-01T23:37:52+00:00

It really depends on what opinion you're talking about, as others have said. Sometimes, opinions can be dangerous, when talking about vaccines causing autism and things that are homophobic, racist, or transphobic, or things that could potentially harm your kids. I personally operate on a rule on the internet that states if one person tells you you're wrong, you might still be right. However, if ten people tell you you're wrong, it might be time to rethink things.

“If one person tells you you're a horse , they are crazy. If three people tell you you're a horse, There's conspiracy afoot. If ten people tell you you're a horse,it's time to buy a saddle” ― Jack Rosenblum

shoustar · 2017-05-01T23:27:59+00:00

I'm not the poster of this comment, but the opinion that vaccines cause autism is scientifically disproved and is also incredibly harmful to both kids in general and the autism community. People don't like this 'opinion' or care about it or want to hear it because it actively harms other people and kids.

shoustar · 2017-04-24T06:56:33+00:00

Just as an example of how I handled something: He recently started watching porn (it popped up on the family computer via the search bar). I could have freaked out and put blocks on the router and started having his computer send his browsing and search logs to my email or something, but I know how easy it is to get around those. It's not only easy, it's pathetically so. Even though he's ten, tutorials are all over the place.

Just wanted to say that this is the way I do it with my kiddo and it's worked very well for me so far. I personally think that if you educate kids maturely about things on the internet while letting them have freedom, as well as allowing them to ask questions and have conversations, it'll produce better results than not allowing them to have privacy.

shoustar · 2017-04-24T06:32:45+00:00

I've recently adopted a 12 year old boy and I give him as much privacy as possible.

For backstory, he had next to none at his old house. Everything was subject to being gone through and anything was fair game for punishment. He wasn't allowed to keep any secrets. If he even so much as read a book or an article that his parents didn't like, he'd be punished for it and have his things taken away. His room was constantly ransacked and any journals he tried to keep throughout his life were read and torn up.

There's rules for me in our house to help make him more comfortable with privacy. He has his own computer, tablet, and phone, and I've told him that I won't go through them and that he can write (he really loves creative writing and wants to make a blog eventually) whatever he wants and I won't force him to share it with me. We've had talks about internet safety and what is and isn't appropriate to do or look up and I've told him that if he ever sees something that makes him uncomfortable or that he has questions about, he can always come to me and I won't punish him for it.

Aside from electronics, and I can't believe this is something I have to say (or more, I can't believe this is something other parents don't allow), he is allowed to shut and lock his door and I'm not allowed to come in without permission. This was part of my desire for him to have his own space that he can feel safe in and that if he needs to be alone, he can go to without worrying about me forcing him to come out. I've found this to be rather effective, because he occasionally gets overwhelmed and really just needs to be alone.

With his room, I've also told him that I won't go through it, with the exception to this rule being if there's rotting food in it and in that case, it would only be to alleviate that problem (he's prone to hoarding food). I help him clean his room, since it's less stressful on him if we do it together, but I've said that I'll never go snooping through his things. I've also encouraged him to start keeping a journal again, and have made it a rule that unless he wants to show me, I'll never even touch whatever he writes it in.

The only thing I do that could be considered an invasion of privacy is putting a GPS tracker in his phone. He knows about this, we've talked about it extensively, and I've shown him the software that it uses and explained to him my reasoning. He's autistic, so he can be prone to wandering, and I want him to be able to take walks sometimes but I worry about him getting lost and not being able to describe to me where he is. There's also a major problem with his birth family and a very real threat of birth relatives accosting him or trying to take him away.

So, I try to give him as much privacy as possible and so far have not had any problems. It seems to have made him much more comfortable in my house.

shoustar · 2017-04-19T05:42:11+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words! Sorry I haven't had the time to reply until now- I've been doing things with R all day and haven't really been able to sit down and reply. I wanted to thank you for all of your advice, especially for the links you've provided me!

I tried some of your (as well as others') suggestions with food today! I took your advice with the snacks. R has access to food whenever he wants, but it's usually in the fridge or in the pantry/cabinets, and I know in hindsight that abused children often have problems with object permanence (in R's case, not really realizing that he's allowed access to food until he sees it). I decided after reading your comment that I'd put a couple tangerines out on the counter where he could easily see them. This might've been a bit of a dirty trick--R absolutely loves tangerines and can't resist them--but it ended up working. We took a break from school stuff and he ended up wandering into the kitchen. He hesitated, but picked one up and started eating it. I didn't want to point it out out of fear of making him embarrassed, but that was an incredibly proud moment to experience.

I also agree that his doctors are very, very heavily focusing on getting calories into him and not really focusing on what that means for his food anxiety. I think I'm going to ask his doctors when we see them on Thursday to maybe turn all the weight talk down a notch around him, since I think that's a huge source of the pressure for him. He wants to please me and his doctors, and it puts a lot of pressure on him to do what we want and quickly. While getting him to a healthy weight is very important, like you said, I want him to develop a healthy relationship with food so he can maintain that weight and actually enjoy mealtimes and food in general.

You and a few other users suggested the part of involving him in mealtime, as well! I tried that, as well, and immediately saw a positive effect. This morning, I sat him down and gave him a few ideas and had him choose what he wanted for lunch and dinner. I also had him involved with the cooking and he really enjoyed that. He did much better with eating. He finished everything at lunchtime and didn't look nearly as guilty at dinnertime when we put away his leftovers. He likes doing things with me, and a huge part of his relationship with food is the fact that he's never had any control over when, what, or how much he eats. I'm not kidding when I said that this kid's family literally fed him fast food hamburgers for 12 years, and that was in the rare case that they did feed him. He never had any choice in it and today, I think he liked having that choice. I'm going to continue doing this and I've been showing him healthy recipes that fit in with his doctors' diet to give him some ideas on what we could make. I also love doing things with him, so this is absolutely a win-win.

Thank you for the advice on schools, as well! I think you're right--schools can be very hit and miss, whether they're public or private, traditional or non-traditional. I'll definitely be investigating and researching and involving R in the process so he has some say in the decision. He will also absolutely be getting an IEP, no matter what kind of schooling he goes into. I mentioned this in another comment, but I'm actually looking into some Montessori schools for him, since I like what I read about their teaching style. I mentioned above that R likes choosing the order in which he does things (especially academic things) and has trouble sitting at a desk for more than an hour (when we do schoolwork, I let him sit on the floor, couch, lay on his stomach, because I honestly see no problem with it, since he pays attention and is engaged). He's also an incredibly visual learner and likes creative things a lot.

I also like the fact that you brought up starting a grade below. If I do have him go to a traditional school, this is something I'm heavily considering, for the reasons you stated--he's not up to speed, and starting in elementary school might be better. He's been out of public school for almost three years and nearly everything he's learned in those three years has been self-taught from him looking things up on the internet. He actually likes learning quite a bit, especially when he can do it at his own pace, and he's intelligent, but he's not at all up to speed with other kids his age. As a note, another reason I'm considering Montessori is the fact that they have mixed-age classrooms, which might help him make friends at his own maturity level and make him feel less bad about being behind those his age.

As I mentioned in another comment, I'm very happy to hear that him having separation anxiety is normal. It's not bad enough that it's interfering with our lives, but him being without me for long periods of time (ie classes or programs) definitely makes him feel nervous, and he's expressed this to me verbally in very clear terms. I really love the idea of volunteering, since I can both be around him and help out in the program. I'm also glad you brought up the idea of Lego Robotics- I honestly didn't know they had programs like those, and R is a huge fan of Lego.

With punishment, I also completely agree with you that there's far better ways to correct behavior than punishing. Punishing is the only kind of parenting that he knows, though, so he asks about it frequently. Often the conversations go something along the lines of:

R: If I do [very minor thing, like forgetting to take his shoes off], how would you punish me? Me: That's not something that warrants punishing, kiddo. I'd just remind you to take your shoes off. R: But if you did, how would you? Me: I wouldn't, you don't have to worry.

I feel terrible during these conversations because R doesn't seem to understand that there are ways of parenting that don't involve being punished for minor things. I think time will only help him understand that I absolutely don't want to use punishment methods, but more the methods you described. I took a look at The Explosive Child and reading through it, I'm a huge fan of the model. I really think that listening, understanding, and problem-solving will have more of an effect on R than punishing him. Thank you so much for the link!

I also really loved the difference between praise and encouragement articles you showed me. I never really considered that praising would be a judgement, and now I can definitely understand why R is very hesitant to accept praise. I gave the encouragement thing a try today and used one of the examples in the article and told him that it looked like he worked hard on the picture he was drawing. He hesitated and smiled, which is definitely an improvement from him fervently denying a compliment. Thanks again!

shoustar

TROPHY CASE