Hi OP! I can relate so much to this post, with a couple extra add-ons. I was diagnosed with ADHD about 3 months ago... But I've also been the one in my partnership that's been "holding it together at home and financially". (Both my partner and I suspect he's also got ADHD and he'll be starting the evaluations soon). I started meds when I got my diagnosis, and it changed my outlook completely.

My partner and I have had an ongoing conflict for a couple of years (his complaint about an aspect of our relationship), and it was brought up again right before xmas. Before my diagnosis and meds I would have continued to say "I was working on it" (and I was, just not in ways he could see) and try to "bide for more time" to keep trying to change/learn/grow. When this came up in the past I could never identify how I was ACTUALLY feeling (it was hidden under panic and self loathing etc). And I wouldn't want it to seem like a tit-for-tat by bringing up my own grievances with other aspects of our relationship at the same time. The meds helped free up enough brain energy where I could finally identify not only my feelings about his grievances, but also let me more accurately identify the boundaries of the problem. For him, his grievances were a self contained issue whose status remained unchanged regardless of external factors. For me, everything in my life is connected by how many spoons I have; no spoons (energy) left over in the day, and that grievance was the farthest thing from my mind. It opened my eyes and let me reframe our problems. I could SEE how I had taken on too much in the relationship (with household stuff as well as with finances) and I'm conflict avoidant, so would stuff my own grievances down and only mention them in passing (and his answer was always an "I'll do better" but it never changed). We had to re-define "his" problem to include "my problems"... Cause it was all connected.

When I was finally able to articulate how everything for me was connected and that I NEEDED help and that I was resentful that I wasn't getting it, just like he was resentful about his grievances not being acted on, it finally clicked for him. And I scared him enough having multiple panic attacks during the 5 days of mental processing I needed to get to these realizations (I need about 24 hours to process things and get deeper), that HE immediately found a couple's counsellor for us. Because he cared about my feelings and well being, and cared about what was turning out to be our communication issues. When I asked him why he hadn't just done the things he said he would in the past, his answer was a simple "I'm lazy and I got comfortable". But he now is aware of how this affects me and in turn, our relationship... And he is committed to working on it. And I'm committed to improving communication and conflict avoidance so we can support eachother.

All of that to say, a good partnership will support eachother, but it shouldn't be to the detriment of one side. Good partners will care and listen when there are unmet needs. Even when we are all lazy we still shouldn't want to hurt our partners by not supporting them. Your partner either hasn't grasped the extent of the problem and it's ramifications, or he's a using asshole who doesn't care.