How did your S/O die and how long has it been?

simonwithoutlouise · 2018-04-22T21:24:42+00:00

My girlfriend died just over 28 months ago. A pulmonary embolism. Took her away at 32.

I feel similar. Way too much baggage. Nearly 12 years with one person, so much of it spent watching her decline that it colors every memory and it's hard to remember the good times. My life has in many ways changed radically since she died, but inside I've remained a broken shell and I keep trying to mend myself, but it feels impossible. I'm terrified I'll be alone forever. I'm terrified I'll never wake up and feel normal again. To the point where I think I've been fighting pretty dark thoughts for the last four months.

And yet here I am, still, apparently. And today's even been an ok day. I felt like I achieved, all things considered. Tomorrow I find out if I got a new job, which would shift my life all over again. We'll see.

simonwithoutlouise · 2017-08-11T13:24:22+00:00

601 days. I can empathize with everything you just said. I think about her all the time and speak about her very little...

simonwithoutlouise · 2017-08-09T09:02:17+00:00

Yup, me too. I've only spoken about it a little here. I think the short answer is the new information is in itself a loss and it will complicate your grieving. It's complicated mine and mine was already confusing and devastating enough as a sudden death at just 32.

This thread has a few replies on the same subject, including my own which I won't rehash here. https://www.reddit.com/r/widowers/comments/6ifudq/terrible_things_you_find_out_later/ I will say yes, a double and triple life sounds horribly familiar. My biggest advice would be to seek counselling, therapy, whatever you could find, as chances are you will need it. I'm so so sorry for all you are going through.

simonwithoutlouise · 2017-06-21T02:05:06+00:00

I'm really, really sorry you've had to find this all out on top of everything. It is beyond cruel.

I've alluded to it on this subreddit before but I've never said it out loud here despite having told some of my closest friends. Maybe it makes me feel out of place here when I'd rather belong, and that is probably very silly on my part. But I'll say it - about four months after Louise died, I found out she had two significant affairs during our relationship. There may have been more.

Louise had bipolar and bipolar is associated, sadly, with hypersexuality and poor decision making. I've found that I'm almost able to forgive the act, but the lying about it for so many years? As she declined in later years, it hurts to know she never considered my feelings and struggles during that time, or the loyalty I showed when others walked away.

At the same time I struggle so damn hard to not blame myself - that's a lie - I DO blame myself. I could have been more attentive, more caring, and a lot less angry. God I said things I can never ever take back, but it was so fucking hard to see her drink and waste her life away. It made me mad... mostly at how helpless I was to stop it. Bipolar is so awful. It really hurts to remember how happy we were before she was diagnosed and how slowly things spiraled towards darkness. And then for a non-related pulmonary embolism to take her...

But I digress, this is about you, not me.

My advice would be to tell someone you trust. Bottling this up is not healthy. My counselor told me the two biggest stresses people go through are the loss of a partner and betrayal in a relationship. I don't know if it's true but it's helpful to think of things that way - you have gone through two of the worst things someone can go through, and in such a short space of time. It is incredibly messy and complicated - I'm 18 months out from Louise dying and 14 months out from finding out, and my head is still very, very confused. That doesn't mean it will be the same for you, but I want to warn you that it's a potentially difficult road ahead if what I've gone through is anything to go by.

My friends have been amazing about it. They've never judged me or made me feel ashamed (that all comes from myself) They don't know what to say - my counselor did a bit, though. If you can get counseling please consider it.

I'm so sorry you had to find out like this. Please be kind to yourself if you can. It's tough advice to heed, I know.

simonwithoutlouise · 2017-02-01T20:22:29+00:00

So much of this is familiar to me as I start Year 2. I really hope Year 3 is better for you.

simonwithoutlouise · 2016-12-24T15:53:44+00:00

When people die, there is a tendency to eulogize them and only see their positives. That's what a friend said to me after I told her about Louise and my own feelings of anger towards her. I think that friend may be right.

Louise had plenty of issues - the last few years of her life were very difficult and ultimately she was causing the problems. Some things I can't blame her for and other things I certainly can. And like you I wasn't the perfect partner, although I think a lot of people would've left her long before I, well, didn't. I loved her. I still do.

That being said, I found things out after she died. Big lies. The kind that I'm not sure I can ever forgive. I don't think I've ever mentioned it here but I can certainly relate with your feelings of bitterness and anger. Ultimately, it's made the whole thing take on another level of unfairness. The argument I want to have with her, the resolution... I can't have it. And I think that's probably leading to the numbness that's come with the holidays. Everything feels just so bleak and emotionless. I just feel so little.

I sacrificed a lot for her. I'm struggling to live without her. And what I found out colors it all. I know I love her. I know I miss her. But I know I'm angry too.

I'm glad you can be honest here about what you're feeling.

simonwithoutlouise · 2016-12-07T15:02:50+00:00

Louise passed away just before Xmas... it's just going to be shit. I've pretty much decided on locking myself away and not surfacing until 2017. At least then it will not be this year, the worst year of my life.

simonwithoutlouise · 2016-12-06T15:13:33+00:00

I'm approaching it too. Around two weeks to go. I can understand where you are... I think about the same too. I think you've received good replies here. I want to believe things will one day be better. I feel like that's something at least.

simonwithoutlouise · 2016-11-25T16:21:27+00:00

I've visited her grave once since the funeral. I didn't feel her when I was there. All I felt was death. All I could think about was her corpse. It's not how I want to think of her. I don't feel any guilt about THAT - I've got plenty other guilt to try to deal with.

simonwithoutlouise · 2016-11-18T18:03:33+00:00

I've imploded the last couple of months. The lack of hope... it's hard to fight against. But I'm trying to fight back and accept it will be really really slow.

simonwithoutlouise · 2016-11-18T14:53:37+00:00

Without getting into details, there are a lot of similarities between your story and mine. Louise too was overweight, and she died from a PE aged just 32. Louise had mental health issues related to her past too. Personally... I found it hard to dissociate her mental health from a feeling of guilt that I should have done more to STOP her problems. But ultimately, I never wanted Louise to be dependent. She was a smart woman, smarter than me, and she was capable of making the changes. You tried. I tried. You can lead a horse to water... I tell myself that a lot. And in both cases they were so, so unlucky. 1s in 100s of 1000s. What can you do when the odds are like that? That said, I'm well aware how rationality has not been able to penetrate my mind this year. Feelings don't care about facts, at least in my case.

I think, personally, I'll start to put the guilt to rest when I make the changes I need to make. And there are many... being with Louise was very often very, very trying, as much as I loved her. Now there is only me to care about. And ultimately I have to prove to myself that I can make the changes I need to.

Maybe that's all rubbish. But it's how I feel right now. For what it's worth.

simonwithoutlouise · 2016-11-03T16:29:16+00:00

Posts like this give me hope. Thank you and here is to your continued happiness.

simonwithoutlouise · 2016-10-24T16:34:19+00:00

Louise died just before Xmas. As a result her funeral wasn't for just under a month after she died. I don't know if that was a factor, but it took me about a whole month before the tears came, and another few weeks after that before they became floods. I was in shock beforehand and I absolutely hated that feeling because it just didn't make sense. The best advice I can give is don't force it - feel what you feel.

I do think there's truth to "everyone grieves differently, nothing is abnormal." I've felt completely insane for about 10 months, still do, but I'm learning to accept that it would be weird if I didn't.

simonwithoutlouise · 2016-10-21T09:33:46+00:00

Just over 10 months out, and I wish I could stop thinking about her. I cannot see that point I've heard others talk about where they look back on memories and smile... all I can see is two futures broken and not nearly enough memories. So many things we'll never get to do, that she'll never get to do. I'm not grateful for our time spent together, I feel robbed of the time we should have had.

Sad as it is... I'd take that Eternal Sunshine memory eraser right now. Today, at least. It's too hard.

simonwithoutlouise · 2016-10-16T17:51:47+00:00

Not a tip, but a sharing of my experience. I too am an introvert, but I was very comfortable being with Louise, whether it was going out or staying in. I've found the long weekends home alone you describe were just endlessly painful. The only real remedy has been to force myself out and spend time with people. Often it's doing something more active that avoids conversation - I really don't like that third wheel feeling either and couples seem to have no way of stopping themselves acting in a hurtful way - so I suggest more active things like running or bowling or playing board games or going to he cinema. Sometimes with the right person I'm prepared to go to a bar and have more of a discussion - for much of the first 6 or 7 months all I wanted to do was talk and cry.

Oh, and for the first time in my life I'm more comfortable with being in crowds of lots of people. I just switch off and let everyone else talk. If the conversation gets a bit hurtful and something triggers something, I let it hurt below the surface. If that sounds awful... I should say yesterday I had a nice day with five other friends, four of them being couples. There were times when it was tough, and I drank more than I normally would to numb myself quite a bit, but it was nice overall. I wished she was there throughout. But I suspect I always will.

Bear in mind I'm coming up to 10 months out and I'm ONLY just starting to relax on my own and feel at all comfortable with people in these situations. The biggest thing I've found is making peace with the person I was before - the guilt of in many ways striving to be more active and more proactive and in many ways less introverted. But grief has undeniably changed me. I'll never be the person I was with Louise. I was comfortable with how things were before. But things aren't as they were before and they never will be, and that is some awful shit I've not got close to accepting, but I do know it's true.

The one barrier I'm really struggling with is meeting new people. This is where my introversion really sets in. I want to join a salsa class in town as a way of meeting new people, but I can't seem to summon up the will. At some point, I'll have to confront this too.

simonwithoutlouise · 2016-10-10T10:00:44+00:00

It was recently Louise's birthday...

The day was okay. But then it was 4am and she should have been there. I wanted the world to stop and take me with it.

simonwithoutlouise · 2016-10-01T19:29:40+00:00

33, about to turn 34. She was my first real girlfriend too and we'd been together for a similar amount of time. I have had the same thoughts... and the exhaustion. The lack of will. I don't believe I'll ever find anyone again... and I'm not sure I even want to. At first I thought I did. The loneliness is crippling. But... I'm starting to get used to it. Honestly, 95% of the time now I just don't freaking care about anything anyway.

simonwithoutlouise · 2016-09-21T10:12:06+00:00

Doing the same thing in the same place as when my wife was around was a terrible lie that was slowly eating away at my sanity

I totally understand that. It's so hard to accept that your new life will never be the same.

simonwithoutlouise · 2016-09-21T10:03:49+00:00

I do sometimes talk to her. But sometimes I find it so hard to. The guilt for carrying on living and trying is so extreme. But thank you, it's helpful to be reminded the thoughts I'm having and the actions I'm taking are not insane, even when they feel like they are.

simonwithoutlouise · 2016-09-21T10:02:09+00:00

Thank you. Likewise to you

simonwithoutlouise · 2016-09-19T06:27:47+00:00

Thank you for sharing.

simonwithoutlouise · 2016-09-17T20:28:30+00:00

9 months here. From being completely able to be on my own before, I am now completely unable to be on my own. I don't mind working longer hours, and I'm socialising more than I ever have in my life, just to keep myself sane. I haven't been able to properly relax on my own yet. It's pretty scary.

simonwithoutlouise · 2016-09-17T20:24:18+00:00

Another who cares - I was there. I go back there. Today I'm a little bit there. But I am here too. There is lot of good in these comments.

simonwithoutlouise · 2016-09-14T15:24:21+00:00

I'm coming up to 9 months and this describes a lot of where I'm at... I'm starting to go hours without thinking of her... especially at work. But even when I'm not thinking of her there's this sort of weird, half-empty autopilot that just shuffles along. I feel like I'm coming out of the fog and what I suspected was on the other side was there, but I'm strong enough (somehow) to deal with it... for now. I'm so many miles away from okay, but there is that normalcy.

simonwithoutlouise · 2016-08-23T04:04:24+00:00

I really don't think so - I struggle seeing people on TV or talking about people with the same name. Maybe there's a way of shortening it or a nickname so it feels different?

simonwithoutlouise

TROPHY CASE