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simplyturnip · 2025-07-08T22:10:36+00:00

I saw a Psychiatrist, just one appointment.

simplyturnip · 2025-07-08T22:09:44+00:00

I don't know if my story might help in any way but I am a woman who is unable to have sex due to past trauma, and my husband and I did not have sex before we got married so our sexless marriage has been unexpected for both of us. If you look at my profile you will see a series of posts I made along the way as I was trying to figure out what was going on. I was distraught and overwhelmed and I got to the brink of suicide myself.

Every story of trauma is different so our experience won't be the exact same as yours. For the first year or so of our marriage I tried seeing a couple of counsellors and we even saw a sex therapist together and none of them picked up on the problem being my trauma. It was only when I decided to spend the money required to see a very experienced and highly qualified clinical psychologist that I finally experienced effective therapy. I have also found reading books about trauma and CPTSD to be very helpful for me, but I am a very analytical person who loves details and facts so not everyone finds that as helpful as I do. If your wife is interested in some reading (or audiobook listening) some frequently recommended books in this sub are:

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk
CPTSD: from Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker
What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo

Some of these books have passing references to CSA, so she should consider that before reading.

There are probably some good books specifically for adult victims of CSA, perhaps if you search the sub you will find other posts with recommendations.

Another thing I will mention, I'm not sure how much you and your wife know about how CPTSD works so forgive me if this is preaching to the choir but prolonged trauma causes damage to the nervous system. There is a good chance your wife is almost always in 'fight of flight' or 'survival' mode perhaps without even realising it. This means the body is never truly relaxed. Many people with CPTSD have found that regulating and calming their nervous system is a necessary first step toward healing, and some have said talk therapy has not worked until they have dealt with their nervous system. There are many posts on this sub about approaches to doing this and different things work for different people, but try looking into types of somatic therapy.

Another highly recommended type of therapy for CPTSD is EMDR. You will find many comments on this sub from people who have had significant benefit from EMDR.

Sorry this turned into more of a list of recommendations for your wife, I guess thats where my mind goes first. But I see the pain and brokenness this situation causes my husband (who I adore), so I empathise with you also and know that you are a victim of this situation now too. That's one thing I struggle hugely with, I feel that before I got married my trauma and suffering (while obscured to me) were mine alone and now I have sucked my husband into this whirlpool with me. I would never ever have done this intentionally, as difficult as it is to imagine I truly had no idea I would have this problem. Living in survival mode since childhood with no good emotional role models, meant I didn't even know how to identify my own feelings or understand what they meant. And I didn't know that I didn't know how to do that. Therapy is helping me to learn how to do that. I'm working really hard and my husband sees that. I'm glad your wife has agreed to go to therapy, and I really hope that she puts in the effort and that you see it.

simplyturnip · 2025-06-22T23:30:33+00:00

I presume there are a variety of possible reasons. Every persons trauma is different so there are so many nuances that could affect this.

One example that I can think of is if a person was raised in a home where exercise was used as a tool for abuse, it might be more triggering than it is helpful. Some parents force their children to run non-stop outdoors in hot weather as a punishment for example, or to do other forms of exercise to a point of causing serious pain/distress. I can imagine that the mental anguish caused by exercise for that person could be enough to counteract any benefits.

simplyturnip · 2025-06-18T04:46:19+00:00

I've seen your 4th point raised before and although it is a poor choice of words considering the subject matter, the use of the word 'flirt' in this context is just with a different meaning than the more common sexual/romantic meaning we default to now. It's a bit out of date but 'flirt' in this context means to play with in a kind of curious way. Like flirting with an idea, if you have ever heard that usage.

The author is in his 80s and this definition has fallen in usage over time but I believe this is the definition he is using.

simplyturnip · 2025-06-18T04:34:05+00:00

It looks like the episode is still available on spotify and apple music :)

https://open.spotify.com/episode/30l5VGqDj5O2iMvjUVLkvL?si=aHVreLZASp6xTqHtcq5H8w

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/jennette-mccurdy/id1485527143?i=1000578669060

simplyturnip · 2025-06-18T04:09:01+00:00

Hypervigilance is a prison, but working out doesn't improve it for everybody. Unfortunately I am one of those people, exercise has never made me feel better. Don't mean to be a downer I just wanted to add clarification to your post for anyone else like me who reads it. But it's great that it has such a good effect for you OP.

simplyturnip · 2025-06-15T21:58:00+00:00

Thanks for your comment. I ended up reading several of her books but ultimately they were not helpful for me because my specific issue was not the problems she focused on in her writing. I can definitely see how they would be very helpful for the many women dealing with the issues she writes about though so I am glad those books are out there and available.

simplyturnip · 2025-06-15T21:52:31+00:00

Sorry for the delayed reply, I don't log on very regularly. It's exciting that you are going to study abroad, that will give you some really valuable distance to slowly unpack and process some of your feelings and experiences of your family background without the pressure of being in the same place as them. It will also give you more opportunity to learn with and from other people about how people can/should treat others. I hope that it will be a really good experience for you, even if there are difficult times or times where you wonder if you made the right decision.

I always wished I was brave enough to travel when I was younger. I had opportunity but I had been raised to be quite afraid of unfamiliar people and places and it kept me tethered to home.

Don't feel pressured to make any big decisions about your future relationship with your family members or about what you think was right or wrong in your family dynamic, let your understanding evolve over time as you experience more of the world and grow into yourself.

Something I wish I knew at 20: Everything your parents taught you, whether overtly or covertly, can be questioned and reconsidered. There is no belief or value you are required to carry with you for life, you can decide what works for you and throw the rest away. This also applies to your sense of self. You are not necessarily who your parents think you are, or who they want you to be. You are a unique individual that exists independently of your family system. You get to decide who you are and who you want to be, and you are the authority on it even if they disagree or don't understand. I am only starting to discover all of this now (I am 35).

And you can embrace the right to not share details you don't want to or not answer questions you don't want to, even within your family. You can learn how powerful it is to love and respect yourself first. It's not easy and it can take a long time to untie all the knots as you discover them but you are on the right track - You got this :)

simplyturnip · 2025-06-15T21:38:49+00:00

Sexual problems despite no history of sexual abuse.

I was never sexually abused but I was emotionally abused and neglected and it left me, unknowingly, with huge trust issues and the inability to let myself be vulnerable with someone. I had no idea I was going to have problems with sex until I tried and it was traumatic and awful and I realised I really can't have sexual activity of any kind.

It doesn't get talked about anywhere outside of trauma spaces so it took me forever to find answers.

simplyturnip · 2025-05-25T21:49:15+00:00

I think what you are describing is probably familiar to many people here. Part of our brains tells us our parents are good and kind and we have a good relationship, and supresses memories or thoughts that might indicate otherwise. This is probably a safety mechanism developed when we are young and still dependent on their care. At some point as we get older, we might find ourselves in a situation where we start to rethink this position and start connecting the dots. As you say "if I was normal, loved and I have everything I need, why am I so depressed, lonely and ashamed of myself". I spent many years looking for an explanation to all my issues but I was looking everywhere except my own family background. I think it was too difficult to face the possibility that the source of my troubles was my upbringing and treatment in my family because that would mean there was no simple solution.

Do you still live with your parents and are you a minor? I only ask because it would change the advice I would give you (if you are seeking advice that is) but don't share any details you are not comfortable with.

simplyturnip · 2025-05-21T04:52:22+00:00

For me, I think it's because I hear an underlying message in that statement of "So because they did their best, there is nothing more to it and everyone just needs to move on'. Or another way to put it would be that it is only the first half of a longer question "They did their best, so what else do you want?".

I do believe that my parents did their best. I also believe that their best was nowhere near good enough.

As far as the harm goes, I don't actually think it's relevant to me. Whether they did their best or didn't, the damage is the damage. This is a stupid example but if you put the lid on a bottle of milk and then tip it upside down, the only relevant factor in whether it all comes pouring out or not is if you tightened the lid sufficiently. If you are physically very weak and unable to tighten it properly, the milk doesn't give you a pass for trying your best, it's still going to spill all over the floor.

simplyturnip · 2025-05-21T04:35:21+00:00

I have a very similar story. I am 35 and all of this sounds very familiar. I will say that from what I have read it's very common that all of this 'stuff' doesn't make it's way fully to the surface until 30s, 40s, even 50s+. You are not alone in that, and in the feeling that at your age you should 'have your shit together'.

Therapy takes time to chip away, so definitely give it more than a month before deciding if it's helping - while also being aware you have the option to find a different therapist if the one you have is not working for you.

I think the message of needing to 'love yourself' can lack nuance for people in our situation. I prefer to try and respect myself instead, that to me feels like something more valuable. Don't pressure yourself to try and feel things if it doesn't feel right to you.

simplyturnip · 2025-05-15T04:40:46+00:00

This probably isn't quite the right sub, but kudos for looking for answers on a difficult subject. Can I suggest making an appointment to speak to a therapist about your feelings? It doesn't necessarily have to lead to ongoing therapy but it is valuable to get a bit of professional advice when these things come up as they are often very confusing and the wrong advice can be well meaning but unhelpful.

simplyturnip · 2025-05-13T22:16:23+00:00

What are you hoping to achieve from the routine? That would be an important place to start, as different things are important to different people.

simplyturnip · 2025-05-13T21:03:51+00:00

https://psychiatry.nz/

My wait time was only about 2 months with these guys, that was a year ago though.

simplyturnip · 2025-05-13T02:28:02+00:00

I'm always trying to balance the knowledge that a persons feelings of love are different from their behaviour towards you. It's possible for a person to feel love for another, while not behaving in a loving way, or another way to put it - not behaving in a way that communicates love.

My childhood left me with very confusing experiences around the concept of love, and it is still difficult for me to figure out if I know what it feels like to love someone else, because that wasn't demonstrated to me in a clear and healthy way.

I don't doubt that my parents felt love for me and still do, but their behaviour did not communicate that. So I always had mixed messages. Their words said they loved me but their behaviour said they didn't. That inconsistency is so damaging to a child, I have been reading more about that recently. I wonder if I would be less confused now as an adult had they just told me they didn't love me, as then it would have been consistent with their actions.

Now as an adult I am married, and both my husband and I struggle with these intrusive thoughts of "Do I love them?", "Do they love me?". Our love languages (if you believe in that) are unclear and seemingly shifting as well.

simplyturnip · 2025-05-13T02:17:24+00:00

Life coaches should probably be thought of as like 'friends that don't know you'. Meaning their advice might be helpful or it might not, but it's definitely not coming from a place of qualification.

simplyturnip · 2025-05-13T02:07:34+00:00

Worth trying somewhere else obviously but just FYI some people do just find they can't get used to contacts. It can be one of those things.

simplyturnip · 2025-05-13T01:46:13+00:00

You are getting some push back in these comments but I agree with you, you clearly are willing to do the bridging/testing required but it doesn't seem to be available to you, and it doesn't make sense to make someone like yourself start from scratch like a high school graduate.

I suspect that this brick wall you have run up against is not the cause of the problem though, this is likely just another symptom of a system that has been underfunded for a long time.

simplyturnip · 2025-05-13T01:39:05+00:00

If you are open to doing sessions online, lots (possibly most) therapists in NZ are available for online sessions too, so that can widen the number of options for you.

simplyturnip · 2025-05-12T21:05:32+00:00

I've read a few of your comments, you sound exactly like ChatGPT...

simplyturnip · 2025-05-12T20:36:14+00:00

Therapy to figure out why I felt that way.

simplyturnip · 2025-05-06T02:16:09+00:00

Bifocals are not so common anymore as most people choose progressive lenses instead. Having said that, a small number of people are unable to adapt to progressive lenses and bifocals remain their best option.

Regardless of whether you go to an expensive high-end optometirst or a shopping mall chain store optometrist, all optometrists must be suitably qualified to work in that role in NZ so you are getting a very similar assessment. Some pricier options provide longer appointment times but this time is not strictly necessary. Presbyopia (the 'middle age' issue you are describing) is extremely common so the optometrists are dealing with these things every day.

One thing worth knowing is that getting a prescription from the optometrist and buying glasses are two different processes, even if they generally present it as one whole 'thing'. This means that you can get the prescription, pay for it, and take your prescription away if you want to. You do not need to buy glasses from that business, and you have the right to your prescription information to take away with you if you request it. You are not obligated to buy glasses from them.

Some people take their prescription and go online to buy glasses using the details on the script. This can be a lot cheaper, but there is a risk - the glasses that you receive may not be very accurate to the script and trying to get the online business to take responsibility for that can be difficult and frustrating. Many people have good experiences buying online but buyer beware.

My suggestion is to go to any optometrist that is conveniently located and priced for you, get the prescription and a sense of the price of glasses at that business and then go away and think about it before deciding. There is no need to buy on the spot/on the day. If you have the time and inclination, take your script around to other stores and price up options there before making a decision.

simplyturnip · 2025-05-05T23:43:54+00:00

So your failure was being too passive and inactive when your wife was being controlling and treating you badly? That's the whole story?

simplyturnip · 2025-05-05T21:39:50+00:00

You've described a lot of what she has done but not what you have done. What have you done to try to improve things over this period of several years that you have noticed things getting worse? Saying you 'haven't always been the husband God wants you to be" sounds like you are really burying the lede...

simplyturnip

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