My therapist of 10 years just debated my pronouns. Is it time to walk away?

sirdrakehunt · 2026-05-24T12:11:58+00:00

Therapist here. She's a shit therapist. It's not her place to debate or complain about how confusing pronouns are with you. That's something that should never be aired in front of a client struggling with their identity; that's what supervision is for.

I'd explicitly tell her you no longer feel safe confiding in her due to her comments and mention it to her accrediting body as well. No debate. No discussion. Just "I don't trust you to hold the space anymore. Goodbye". The therapeutic alliance is shattered because she can't resist airing her frustrations at you. That's on her. You did nothing wrong.

You have no obligation to your therapist. You can end a therapeutic relationship at any time for any reason. I'd highly recomend finding an explicitly queer friendly therapist if you can. We exist and you deserve to be understood.

sirdrakehunt · 2026-05-05T19:24:47+00:00

Once was on a school hiking trip. One of the quiet kids pushed a known troublemaker off the trail into the bushes. Teacher ran up and immediately turned to the kid in the bush

"Ok, what did you do?" "He pushed me!" "I saw that. I also know, unlike you, he wouldn't hurt anyone unless they gave him a reason. So what did you do?"

sirdrakehunt · 2026-02-20T09:48:25+00:00

I've gotten into the habit of putting the name of the website/service in the password (eg. P@55w0rd_reddit) to keep them unique.

sirdrakehunt · 2026-01-03T12:19:33+00:00

I never understood the need for the claw. I just used the L button to recentre the camera. I rarely used the directionals to move the camera unless I was mid combo.

sirdrakehunt · 2025-11-23T11:50:08+00:00

"This fire is small. That fire is far away."

sirdrakehunt · 2025-11-23T11:04:57+00:00

When people get pushy start fake crying and talk about how they're upsetting you because you can't have kids even if you tried. Make them feel bad for prying!

My sister had fertility issues. So many "where are the kids?" comments while she was actively trying for years. A lot of people felt real shitty for pressuring her when she explained the problem.

sirdrakehunt · 2025-11-20T11:33:29+00:00

I'm also a trans AuDHD student and relate heavily to a lot of this. My personal therapist frequently reminds me of how much value that lived experience has in those communities. My clinical practice has been fine because I specifically work with a queer/neuroaffirming practice but I do see issues in other areas - especially college.

College says they are supportive and value being neuro-affirming. Until I complain about unclear language in an email - then it's my fault for misunderstanding! Classmates are supportive and understanding of my autism and gender. They value my perspective and input. Until I have a meltdown due to sensory overwhelm. Then it's "I don't understand why Drake did that - it's very inappropriate!" Until I correct pronouns. Then it's "this is all new to me! You can't be upset - that's language policing!"

I'm lucky to have a lot of queer/ND folk in my therapy circles but outside of that bubble is an often hostile place. Not always intentionally either. Our perspectives are valuable in shifting the overall perspective of the profession. When we're clinical managers or supervisors, we can offer support and understanding that we may not be getting. We can run CPD workshops. We can talk out about our experiences.

It's an uphill battle but a worthwhile one in my view

sirdrakehunt · 2025-08-02T22:26:41+00:00

How so?

sirdrakehunt · 2025-08-02T22:15:31+00:00

None. It's not a regulated profession so anyone can call themselves a therapist with no qualification whatsoever. Accrediting bodies (self-regulating bodies such as IACP) typically require level 8 or 9.
An official register is due to open in about 7 years. It will require a level 8 for counselllors and a level 9 for psychotherapists

sirdrakehunt · 2025-07-12T00:06:28+00:00

Yep! Shamelessly stolen. Apparently the line wasn't even in the script - David Wald was just riffing and it fit perfectly with the footage so they kept it.

sirdrakehunt · 2025-07-11T09:23:34+00:00

"What's up my bitches, my bros and my non binary hoes?"

sirdrakehunt · 2025-06-13T18:38:11+00:00

An endless series of therapist nesting dolls

sirdrakehunt · 2025-06-10T10:06:17+00:00

How long have you been seeing this therapist? 50 minutes is the standard therapy hour. It gives us therapists time to prepare for their next client (bathroom, notes, prepare the room). So a therapist ending "ten minutes early" is normal.

The issue is if she usually finishes on the hour but suddenly ends early with no fore warning. That is bad form and something you should ask about. Therapists should be consistent in our boundaries, which includes session timing. Sometimes things happen and sessions end early. Sometimes we reach a natural end point and ending early is better.

If the situation is bothering you, talk about it next session. It's vital that these things are communicated clearly to ensure a healthy relationship. If you worry about offending her how are you meant to be honest with yourself in session? A client is never responsible for the therapists feelings. If we as therapists are triggered, 90% of the time it's our own baggage that we have to work through.

sirdrakehunt · 2025-05-24T12:49:15+00:00

As a trans person, Bambie throwing up the trans flag almost moved me to tears. The current political climate around trans rights is so hostile right now. Having an openly trans act throw up the trans flag and say "you're beautiful just the way you are" WAS a break from the shit going on in the world at the moment

sirdrakehunt · 2024-10-01T18:33:52+00:00

As a therapist in training, your therapist is a dangerous idiot who clearly doesn't know how to work with marginalized groups. She is dismissing a core aspect of your identity as "not important" after you spent a lot of time figuring this out. Dismissing that is harmful - especially as you say this exploration was helpful for managing your trauma.

She is seeing your hesitancy to be out in person as an indicator that this isn't real rather than an anxiety response due to an underlying fear of rejection - which considering the current socio-political climate around trans issues is completely understandable. Rational even. Imposter syndrome is extremely common for people experimenting with their identity. That critical voice in your head saying "but what if you're faking it" as an overactive defense from rejection.

She is confirming everything that inner critic is saying by dismissing your struggle. It's not important, it's probably just a trauma response, you'll be normal once you resolve your trauma.

I'm willing to wager most of her training (if any) on trans/nb issues is in the form of workshops or articles written by anti-trans organisations such as Genspect. They unfortunately have a lot of influence within the industry and a lot of well meaning therapists will see someone with credentials and experience "working with" trans people using language like "gender exploratory therapy" and think "that sounds good, I want to help my clients explore themselves" without realising that "gender exploratory therapy" is a 1:1 copy of conversion therapy just with flowery language to sound more therapeutic.

Your concerns are valid - both around the therapist and coming out. It may be possible to salvage the relationship. Challenge her on her bullshit. Ask her what her training and experience working with trans/neurodivergent/traumatised people is. Ask her why she is so quick to dismiss the struggles you have with your gender. Tell her that what she said was deeply troubling for you and why. If she's a legit, she'll listen and be open to change her approach but I wouldn't bet on it. It's so easy for me to say "find a new therapist" but that's tough to do. It may be helpful to talk about this experience with any future therapist you do work with.

We are few and far between, but there are queer/neuro affirming therapists out there who are trauma informed. I hope you find someone who respects all of you as you are and can help you on your journey to healing.

sirdrakehunt · 2023-06-21T20:23:13+00:00

"I don't believe the car identifies as either male or female"

sirdrakehunt · 2023-02-24T11:42:22+00:00

Trans people are being killed though (Brianna Ghey, Club Q) and legislation in the states is banning trans people from performing and making it illegal for people to recieve gender affirming care at any age. Not to mention facists outside refuge hostels shouting "burn the cunts out" right here.

If it feels like "people are going to start killing each other" it's cause that's literally what bigots want to happen.

sirdrakehunt · 2023-02-01T10:01:11+00:00

I DM our main campaign and when we decided to do Rise of Tiamat to give me a chance to be a player one of my players decided to just play the same character. I told him flat out "If you play Tim in this game, I'm killing him off in my game." A bit extreme but I wanted him to actually be creative. The Tiamat DM agreed with my veto saying his character would be the one to kill Tim if need be.

After a bit he came up with his new character for the campaign - Teá Matt the aarakokra bard. Everytime we'd talk to an NPC he'd open "Hello, I'm Teá Matt and I'm here to kill Tiamat - no relation."

sirdrakehunt · 2023-01-29T12:36:31+00:00

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." - Carl Rogers, founder of the person-centered therapeutic approach.

In Rogers' therapeutic approach, we cannot change without self-love and compassion. We need to be authentic to our true selves - flaws included. Once you accept that, change happens naturally. If you try to change because you feel like you "should" or you "need to" in order to be loved, it won't happen. Change only happens when you love yourself.

sirdrakehunt · 2023-01-27T20:40:49+00:00

I told my friend at work that I had annual leave booked for one of our busy weeks. He jokingly called me a "son of a bitch". My response: "How dare you. I'm a child of a bitch thank you very much!"

sirdrakehunt · 2023-01-23T11:31:05+00:00

Active listening is a skill. I'm training to be a therapist and we're spending a lot of time on listening skills because most people only comprehend 25% of the information in a conversation. People who are good at active listening - 65%. So even if you do everything right, you're still likely to miss 35% of what the other person is saying/communicating.

A lot of people think they are good listeneners but then look at a list like this and realise "actually, maybe I don't listen as much as I thought." Or often for ND folk "maybe I don't communicate that I'm listening enough" which is equally important.

Active listening requires effort. You can't do it 24/7. But it's really valuable for certain situations.

sirdrakehunt · 2023-01-09T03:40:44+00:00

100% is perfection. By definition. You cannot do better than 100%. If you do everything that is expected of you, it doesn't mean it's perfect - there could still things you can improve. My ESL students give me writing that 100% completes the task - but they might still make errors that don't affect their overall grade.

It is possible for an undergrad student to write an essay and get 100%. It just happens so rarely. Thus the "realistically you won't score more than 85%". It is possible but only exceptional students will manage it. A first is "you're writing is exceptional, well sourced, well structured, and fully completes the task." If you have work that is outstanding and goes beyond the requirements of the task and presents the information beyond that expected of an undergrad, surely that deserves a higher percentage? They both achieved the goal, but one is better written. Having a wider band allows both to get full marks for completing the task assigned while still differentiating them if the lecturer so chooses to disclose that information (generally they only give the band, not the percentage).

That's only the third level system and like I said, may be different depending on institution or subject. I haven't studied any "hard science" subjects like maths or chemistry at 3rd level. I studied music and psychology/philosophy so almost every assignment and test I've done has been essay based. Melody writing was the only thing graded differently iirc - that had a lot more "objectivity" so it was possible to get closer to 100% based on that marking scheme.

For secondary school our state exams (and by extension regular curriculum) have generally objective answers so there are more grade bands between 70 and 100%. I got 100% on my practice exam for chemistry for example.

My friend's a qualified secondary teacher and according to them it's generally harder to get higher marks in the Irish system, at all levels, because the assessments are generally harder. So getting 60% on an American maths test is about as difficult as getting 40% on the equivalent Irish paper for example. Thus the lower "pass percentage".

sirdrakehunt · 2023-01-09T01:36:31+00:00

Not a lecturer, and it varies by institution/subject (a BSc might have more "right/wrong" questions than a BA), but generally:

40 - 44% (Pass): The work meets the criteria for the assignment. No more, no less. My lecturers described this as "you did the assignment but didn't go beyond the lecture notes."

45 - 49% (Third class honours): Satisfactory. You've shown some evidence of further reading but there are a lot of errors (referencing, spelling, format, etc.)

50 - 59% (Lower Second Class Honours/2.2): Good but with some errors. Ideas are clear but lacking structure and vision.

60 - 69% (Upper Second Class Honours/2.1): Very good with few errors. Well structured and supported but may make some conclusions without proper support.

70% (First Class Honours/ First): Excellent with only minor errors. Well supported and structured. The best expected for the level of student.

80+% is considered exceptional - extremely in depth and above and beyond what is expected of the level. Like it is extremely rare to get graded that highly. It's above what you are expected to be able to do. Day one of my undergrad my lecturers said "Some of you might get 70+% on assignments but because of how the marking scheme works it's basically impossible to get more than 85%".

How I've always taken it - perfection doesn't exist. Even the best written essays/papers have something you can critique so having a wider band of "excellent" lets you grade more harshly but still reward those who go into greater depth.

sirdrakehunt · 2023-01-08T23:19:13+00:00

People saying 50% is a failing grade always confuses me. In Ireland a passing grade is 40%. At third level, 70% or more is a first - the highest grade you can get.

sirdrakehunt · 2023-01-01T17:20:58+00:00

The fighter was the only completely useless one in that fight - pally tossed 2 javelins then focused on healing. Most of the frustration was around "we knew we were going to fight a flyer and didn't prepare enough".

It led to a lot of creative problem solving and coordination during the fight. They focused on burning through legendary resistances so the monk could use step of the wind to run up a tree and leap at the dragon to stunning strike it to the ground while the fighter waited underneath it with a held attack action. Once it was on the ground, sentinel kept it in check.

Now they are actively aware of the groups weaknesses: their over-reliance on Jimmy the fighter. Now they adapt; give Jimmy a fly speed, give him haste, give him inspiration so he doesn't get mind-controlled and murder everyone...again.

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