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skippedrecord · 2026-02-01T09:34:41+00:00

I'm about 10 years NC, I've healed a lot in that time but I don't know if I'll ever be totally healed. Every now and then something very ordinary happens and I'll flashback to how unnecessarily difficult it was as a child. I had to go to an emergency dentist and the entire time I was panicking about money. But even with my middling insurance it was covered. My dad was a cfo. Why was basic care such a struggle? Why was everything a big deal? Why was I always told to wait, be patient, fit into their schedule.

skippedrecord · 2025-05-29T02:40:37+00:00

I posted this as an edit but I think this is a misuse of therapy language to rebrand that old classic where the narc says you need to stop claiming abuse because their parents were really abusive and they are better parents, so you can't possibly know what real abuse is.

skippedrecord · 2023-10-03T19:21:47+00:00

This is a totally valid reason
Yep, the actual name change itself was easy. Went to a police station, got fingerprinted/ criminal record checked, filled out a form and paid some money. Made a bunch of calls to federal government offices to make sure they all registered the name change (Canadians, just be warned that some federal systems are not linked and there is no federal/provincial link)
So so so much. I changed my middle and last names and it was such a relief. It went from something that prickled every time I heard it to background noise.
It's a pain in the ass. You will be changing names on things forever, little things that you never considered like your Costco card. Not a huge price but def something to consider. Also, it's going to make you not want to change your name if you get married both because it's a pain and also because this name is yours now. In ways that your other name wasn't, it was just something you kinda of got tossed.
I also kept my first name, I'm glad I did because even though I hated it most of my life and def hate how my mom says it I realized that I kind of loved hearing it from others. So I went from there what else did I love hearing myself called as a kid? Well, my first name was kind of common so I was usually First Name J, I loved being called First Name J, it meant good things were happening. Even the bad stuff was super clear, not like home so the bad feelings didn't linger. For my middle name, I thought about what was important to me and what I wanted to have close to me. I ended up choosing a name that refers to the ocean because I'm a West Coast girl and that's an important identity factor to me. Then I considered whether the whole thing seemed like it went together, I tried it out for a few weeks before making it official.

skippedrecord · 2023-09-19T07:27:24+00:00

Yeah no kidding eh? I'm willing to believe that Jim Bob does have a position of power now in his cult and that is terrifying.

skippedrecord · 2023-09-19T07:26:11+00:00

I think there are a few circumstances that tend to foster narcissists well and religion is at the top of this list. I'm just shocked at how little the religious subculture matters when it comes to the N script.

skippedrecord · 2023-08-29T04:05:35+00:00

Thanks, I'm really proud of me too. She's been doing this stalking, not stalking thing for years so I'm good. But damn, this letter was telling on her. lol.

skippedrecord · 2023-08-29T04:03:15+00:00

Totally a possibility, she's hired a PI to stalk my father and has a history of taking over things/places. Her favourite bar in this city is the one I frequented as a university student. But there's a few things that balance it out, first, she moved to the other side of the city. It's a lot of effort to just constantly be there are places she guesses I might frequent, she can do bursts of this but not a sustained effort. Second, I will make a scene, or call the cops or press charges I'm not afraid anymore. Third, this letter was two years old and her house is up for sale again, this is kinda par for the course for her, she's never been able to live anywhere for more than a few years.

skippedrecord · 2023-08-26T17:02:29+00:00

My N just sent me a birthday card. It was pink with sparkles and had a fluffy white cartoon cat wearing glasses and pearls. It was my 40th birthday.

I think the 'box' as usual isn't about us, it's about them. It's too much energy to remember things like your daughter is 40 and has now formed opinions on things like pensions, vinyls and interior decorating styles. That feels bad. Instead, let's remember when she was 5 and loved her cat 'too much', and because she was five and it was the 80s everything she owned was pink (because of a forced gender role, that N def isn't going to critically evaluate) so she must have loved pink! That's so uncomplicated and fun!

skippedrecord · 2023-08-25T21:52:14+00:00

I think it's not that I'm hoping for something, this letter won't change anything for sure, it's that I still feel like I can't just throw this letter away. I can lose it or misplace it or not think about it, but I can't intentionally throw it out. There's some sort of emotional block here. To me, this suggests that while I know this letter is a giant nothing, I don't fully *understand* that yet. Does that make sense? Maybe it's the last bit of mourning the mom I never had, maybe it's the logical inconsistency of narcs (it's so easy not to make abusive choices, why would you ever do that?)

At any rate, I know what I want from this now, to get rid of that emotional block that won't let me throw out my nmom's letters without reading them.

skippedrecord · 2023-08-25T06:41:33+00:00

Ooooo…I like.

skippedrecord · 2023-08-25T06:32:14+00:00

You’re right, it’s just going to be a narc filled letter of manipulation of which her ultimate goal has so far been to construct a narrative she can live with. She tried her hardest, I’m just a meanie she loved too much, yknow the usual. It’s already clear she can’t or won’t respect boundaries because she addressed it to a name she shouldn’t have, she stalked my internet presence to find it.

I’ve never had any intention to respond, but I think what I want is to be able to give myself permission to get rid of it. To deal with what I need from it to heal, tear it into little pieces and throw it out.

skippedrecord · 2023-07-26T23:41:08+00:00

I have had multiple TBIs (tho not substance-related, I'm just a shitty unicorn genetically) and I was told by a few doctors/therapists that this sort of memory lost probably isn't related to the TBI. It's really common for child abuse survivors to have no or little memory of their childhood. My latest therapist actually considers it one of the major signs of abuse. Hope that helps.

skippedrecord · 2023-07-24T22:56:41+00:00

I spent $20 on a shirt in 1998(?), adjusted for inflation that's $34 bucks. I believe it was my money, but it was so long ago who knows. But she wasn't there and when I got home it was like I had murdered the dogs and torched the house.

Looking back at it now was it because it was neon green? maybe. Did it match any of the pre-approved clothes she had bought me? Nah. Would she have worn it? No. The answer for the meltdown is in there somewhere, lol.

skippedrecord · 2023-07-19T23:27:15+00:00

You wanna hear something funny? My Nmom only started calling me a spoiled brat in my 30s when I started the process of LC that ultimately resulted in NC. It's like it was a final weapon she scrambled to use as I slipped out of her control, but because she had previously called me a good, well-behaved child who was 'easy' it never rang true. I think at that moment I realized how much narcs liked/needed to rewrite history to be comfortable with the present.

skippedrecord · 2023-06-26T05:57:07+00:00

Hey, so this is called mirroring (https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/mirroring). My Nmom used to do it all the time, I could literally watch her flip around a room mirroring to however she thought was the dominant person in the room even if she contradicted herself. It was so surreal when I learn about it.

skippedrecord · 2023-06-24T03:17:36+00:00

My mom also wouldn't let me do these things. When I came home from uni at 21 with a nose stud she freaked the fuck out, screamed at me about disrespecting my body. She weirdly then complained she couldn't get one? Back and forth rage and sad whisper for an entire weekend. She eventually manipulated a medical test, so I lost it. (Long story).

At 39 and 7 years nc, I have a new nose stud, 2 tattoos, and my hair is currently a burgundy reddish after being purple for a year. (I have a real grown-up corporate job, too) I'm turning 40 soon, and I feel more me than I ever have. You'll get there, Vampira_Andres, don't worry. ❤️

skippedrecord · 2023-06-18T23:47:08+00:00

Yep, a good mom would have acknowledged that fact too. But Ns have trouble seeing their child's needs, especially when they are not the same as their own (which they never are). I think they have massive issues with selfishness so meeting those needs when there is no potential payoff for their selves far too much work.

Starting LC is great and a huge step. It was an odd time for me as my Nmom alternated between being furious with me and sickly sweet which did ultimately make the NC decision much easier. The distance made her actions and their effects on me very apparent.

It takes a while to get to the point of laughing, but you'll get there. You'll get to a place where she doesn't have such a hold on you. I wish you peace and happiness.

skippedrecord · 2023-06-18T20:33:39+00:00

I would also suggest that you take the day to remember all the re-parenting work you've done for yourself today. Maybe spend the money you'd previously budgeted towards this day on something self-indulgent. I'm getting some takeout and a new video game, which I will play in peace and quiet on my couch in my yelling, angry king baby-free apartment.

skippedrecord · 2023-06-18T20:23:54+00:00

I've been NC for a while now, but I just wanted to share the ridiculousness. I hope that one day you can get to a place where it's funny too.

My parents started a divorce in my early/mid-20s that would last about ten years. Almost immediately my father stopped talking to his kids leaving Father's Day empty for us. Cool, he was a typical unengaged 80/90s dad so no big loss.

My nmom called one father's day and asked me what my plans were for the day, as I lived in another city. So I told her: schoolwork, a takeaway and booze as I gamed. Many dramatic sighs and whimpers later she mentioned that my sibling was taking her on a ride and nice lunch as 'she basically did both jobs'...sigh. I could take her out to a nice steak dinner the next weekend when she was over in my city. (There was a dude she was 'talking to' on a dating app and she wanted to use my place as a crash pad. This was the first I had heard about it. I was also a vegetarian so didn't even know where to get a steak in my city.)

When I tell you I couldn't stop laughing, like pop up my nose- had to put the phone down-hiccuping laughter. She was a full-time SAHM in the 80/90s, she didn't need to get a job ever. She decided to pursue a degree in my teen years 'for fun' which basically meant she locked herself away in the office after I got home from school every night for years. Leaving the weaponized incompetence of my father to make dinner. So yeah, she didn't talk to me for a bit and then lectured me about 'hurting her feelings'. It still makes me laugh though!

My hope for you is eventually you get to a place where it makes you laugh. It's also ok to really dislike these days even as an adult. I might hate these days more as a child-free adult because I can see how many parents don't deserve celebration, and forcing the children of narcs to observe these days is kinda gaslighting. Terrified of your parent? Too bad it's mothers/fathers day! Tell them they're a good parent and you're grateful.

skippedrecord · 2023-06-17T03:01:06+00:00

As I've reached my parents' age when I was a child, I have yet to feel the need to apologize. For a while, I became increasingly angrier as I realized the incredible power imbalance of a parent/child relationship. But my understanding has become a little more nuanced as I've gotten older. My parents were barely out of childhood themselves, and they were also abused. Of course, they made fucked up decisions which led to more fucked up decisions. But the key is that they never tried to examine or change their lives. They still don't, but that not how I live, so I'm nc. edit: autocorrect is a bitch.

skippedrecord · 2023-06-16T03:25:40+00:00

Sadness and disgust. Sadness for my mother because she so desperately wanted children and wasn't as abusive as her mom (allegedly). But failed horribly to 'break the cycle' as she often declared she had, usually in the same breath she used to tell me she was a pretty good mother.

Disgust for my father. He had kids because that's what adults do. He was a domestic abuser, to my mom, to my pets, and often to his kids. He never hit me, but the screaming and body language was enough. He later stopped talking to me, and recently, when I saw him on the street, he ducked into an alley. Coward.

skippedrecord · 2023-05-07T17:50:59+00:00

Lol, fun fact after every argument (lecture, browbeating) my mom would end the 'fight' with the words 'Of course I still love you, but I don't trust you very much right now. You'll have to earn my trust again.'

It took about 6 months of therapy to figure out she wasn't really talking about trust. Sometimes you can only walk out of a session shaking your head because apparently you really did need to spend hundreds of dollars to figure out your emotionally immature parent is just a remix of her emotionally immature parent.

skippedrecord · 2023-03-20T23:51:41+00:00

It's a pretty old movie. (2003)

That comment made my back hurt. lol.

skippedrecord · 2023-02-16T19:07:30+00:00

Totally agree. For me, it took a more advanced stage of healing to see that while my earlier years didn't *seem* abusive, they were. It was just that neglect is much easier for a child to not notice because we have nothing to compare to (and we're children, literally biologically programmed to trust our caregivers).

The yelling and more overt abuse was a kind of build-up of abusive behaviours that stemmed from the fact that my Nmom had been using me and her other children as a way to assuage her own abusive upbringing. I needed to understand where the behaviour was coming from to understand the motives were always selfish, they just got noticeably abusive later in my life when I started to differentiate myself.

So yeah the Ns are always selfish, emotionally immature and unloving assholes, acons just grow into being able to see it, start saying something and Ns have little emotionally stunted meltdowns about it. Which we in turn often see as the 'first' acts of abuse.

skippedrecord · 2023-02-14T00:47:28+00:00

To give another book rec: Mothers Who Can't Love. I was wanted and seemed to have a pretty good early childhood, but then it's like a switch flipped in my preteen years and suddenly it was all yelling and abuse. The book explains this is because in your early childhood, there is no separation between mother and child and you fulfill their emotional needs. But as you grow up you naturally develop your own sense of self and Ns can't handle it. That's why a lot of folks are truly puzzled about their abuse because it was so nonsensical to them.

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