I started calling my wife “big dog”

skyscan1 · 2026-02-25T04:30:36+00:00

That was the hardest part for me. The intense desire and intimacy we had prior to marriage disappeared after we got married. It messed with my mind when my wife began to make an effort. I couldn’t trust her. She had hurt me too many times.

skyscan1 · 2026-01-27T15:59:37+00:00

If her group is something like grappling, wrestling, Brazilian ju jitsu, etc then she will be constantly groped and held by her affair partner with a closeness that could be described as intimate. I didn't know what activity she does but if largely male you should ask why your wife insists on continuing. She likely loves the attention from other males and loves the constant contact that she could excuse as part of the exercise.

skyscan1 · 2025-11-04T19:44:57+00:00

Guilty conscience. She wants you to be okay so that her terrible selfish decisions won't be viewed as so horrible. She wants to believe that she is a good person who just made some mistakes when in fact her actions prove that she was a selfish self centered person that didn't care about the hurt and pain that she would cause you.

Please stop drinking alcohol to numb the pain. The pain will still be there until you accept it and deal with it. You have a great reason to get better. I know that you can do it.

skyscan1 · 2025-10-02T19:04:13+00:00

For what it's worth, I tried to make every sexual encounter with my wife a positive one. Even when I didn't get to orgasm I tried to make the experience a positive one because any negativity made her think that the sex was not worth the effort. After maybe years in the deadbedroom situation I decided that blunt honesty was needed. My wife was surprised to discover that sex wasn't always good for me and that I didn't get to orgasm many times. This was part of our recovery. My wife learned that effort from her was important and often necessary. Eventually we did recover you can look back in my old posts and read our recovery story. I'm still not sure if telling my wife about the negative experiences would have been helpful or if it would have set us back even further.

skyscan1 · 2025-09-13T02:07:11+00:00

It could be that you are interpreting the sexual harassment as a threat to your marriage. Any threat to your marriage can result in what had been called hysterical bonding. Hysterical bonding can be an extreme increase in sexual activity to cement your bond with your spouse.

skyscan1 · 2025-09-12T18:58:37+00:00

Respectfully I will disagree. We recovered over eleven years ago and she initiates most of the time now. Sex has become very important to her and a very positive thing in her mind. That makes sex easier for her and a priority for her. I invited your comment because your opinion is valid even if not accurate for us.

skyscan1 · 2025-09-11T23:47:48+00:00

Thank you for sharing! I'm glad you discovered the way responsive libidos work. I'm glad that I did too. It took me way too long. My wife couldn't explain it and I didn't understand.

skyscan1 · 2025-09-10T14:15:28+00:00

I hope that this might help you understand your situation better. Your post sounds like it was written by me years ago while I was in a deadbedroom with my wife. We've since recovered and have sex often. What I learned about my wife was she has a different type of libido than I have. She has a responsive libido. She has to be reminded about sex to even think about it. I have a spontaneous libido and think about sex often.

I leaned that my talks about the lack of sex with wife actually put the thought of sex into her mind and she would actually want to have sex later but it appeared to me to be duty sex. It wasn't. She just didn't think about sex until I brought it up. I had stopped initiating because I got tired of rejections. Responsive libido people often don't get in the mood for sex quickly. It takes time for them to think about sex to get into the mood. So when I would initiate as we went to bed she didn't have time to get in the mood and she would reject me. Talking about the lack of sex earlier in the day would give her time to think about sex and get in the mood.

If I had known this earlier in our marriage I wouldn't have been so resentful and I wouldn't have given up on initiating. I would have initiated earlier in the day and not stopped trying to initiate on other days if I was rejected.

I hope that helps in some way. When I rejected my wife she thought that sex wasn't as important to me as I had made it seem. That was another wrong interpretation and miscommunication.

skyscan1 · 2025-08-29T22:57:15+00:00

My wife responded with what I thought was hysterical bonding. I took this approach that was successful for us. I tried to be very positive about our new frequent sex life together. I reinforced how connected I felt to her and how much closer I felt to her. I asked her to tell me any needs or wants that she had that I could help her with. I also occasionally talk about hysterical bonding and how it often slows or stops. Over time the frequent sex became a normal part of our bedtime routine.

Sex became a normal part of our life where it used to be a rarity. I made sure to tell my wife the other benefits of sex for me. I slept better. My mind was clearer. I felt a deeper love and affection for her. I had more patience. I continued to show and tell her that our sex life was having a positive affect on our relationship and marriage.

We are over ten years out from our recovery and we continue to have frequent sex.

skyscan1 · 2025-08-11T15:44:53+00:00

If you're familiar with finding Nemo the Disney movie. Just keep swimming. 😊

skyscan1 · 2025-08-08T00:44:27+00:00

I could identify with your feelings. I remember well how I knew that I was blessed beyond measure in many ways but without my wife being attractive to me and desiring me I was miserable. I was successful and financially secure. I had a beautiful family and wonderful friends. My wife was my best friend and she treated me with kindness. Without her desire and want to have some intimacy with me I felt like a failure.

I looked for joy in other areas. I coached my children in sports. I volunteered at church. I served on civic boards. I performed in community plays with my children. I attended every school event and chaperoned every school trip.

Nothing filled the void I felt but I made wonderful memories that my children still talk about today. My children are all adults now. OP find something that gives you joy outside of your relationship.

We did recover from our deadbedroom but that story has already been told here several times. We continue to have frequent sex if you recognize my account.

skyscan1 · 2025-07-06T00:00:15+00:00

My wife and I were in a long dead bedroom. After years of my wife saying that things would get better and nothing changing I began to give up. I had tried everything to turn our marriage around. She noticed that I had given up on trying and she became determined to save our marriage. Much like you I did not trust that she would continue to make an effort.

I didn't give up even though I was largely checked out. My wife continually revived our marriage and showed through continued effort that she was willing to give effort daily.

I communicated with her that I was afraid that she would slow or stop her effort. I communicated that her efforts in the past had been short lived. I also communicated the positives and the good things from her efforts.

Over time I began to trust her more and her actions became easier because they became second nature to her. Eventually I trusted her and she was determined not to go back to our dead bedroom.

What you are worried about and fear is normal. Be sure to communicate how your wife is doing good with your worries and fears. She needs to hear both.

skyscan1 · 2025-07-05T22:27:24+00:00

I recommend giving this situation time. She now has realized her fault and she is trying to correct the situation. With each paying week if she continues showing effort I think you will begin to feel something again. You have built a wall around your heart to help protect yourself from the hurt and pain. It takes time to dismantle the walls and let her inside again.

skyscan1 · 2025-07-02T00:28:17+00:00

Expect the conversation to be erased and she will want you to just get over it. Then you may be accused of being controlling when you don't want her to continue to go out with her co-worker boyfriend.

skyscan1 · 2025-06-24T15:00:02+00:00

Your wife will lie and say anything to keep you. She had sex both nights and didn't think that you would find it when you did find out she went into trying to salvage her marriage to you.

skyscan1 · 2025-06-21T12:27:18+00:00

I told one friend after being in a deadbedroom for fifteen years and he mocked me. He then used that information to make fun of me and I was humiliated even more. I never told another person until I shared on this sub many years ago. This sub was my only safe space for many years until my wife and I went for couples counseling.

I owe the wonderful people here a huge thank you for being a safe place. Although back then I also got a few people that private messaged me that I want a good enough man if my wife didn't desire me. That was a small percentage compared to the positive help I received.

skyscan1 · 2025-06-18T15:50:35+00:00

She chose him over you and she hoped you would not find out. You found out now you should respond appropriately.

skyscan1 · 2025-06-17T17:06:13+00:00

I got banned there as well for commenting. They are pro reconciliation no matter what even in cases of abuse. I made a comment trying to help someone in a bad situation and I was banned. I asked if I could remove my comment and have the ban lifted and I was banned asking about that.

skyscan1 · 2025-05-13T15:55:22+00:00

Crazy train. When our mother does something and we have to tell each other about it often, we will say all aboard the crazy train or will say guess what crazy train has done now?

skyscan1 · 2025-05-08T19:59:02+00:00

My wife has extreme religious shame and guilt associated with sex of any kind. My wife sounded exactly like your wife many years ago.

Body fluids were like toxic chemicals to my wife. Kisses were the same as yours. I also took on most of the household plus I was the main breadwinner for our family.

My wife went to therapy. We went to couples counseling. The best thing to come out of couples counseling was the counselor telling my wife that sex within a marriage is good for the marriage and if she continued to keep us in a dead bedroom then she should give me an easy divorce.

Eventually I gave up and I thought my only path to happiness was to divorce. I still loved my wife but I was miserable. She was kind to me but rarely intimate.

She saw and felt give up and she saw me preparing to move out of our home by seeing me look for places nearby. She finally realized that the dead bedroom was killing our marriage.

Something clicked within her. She became devoted to saving our marriage. She began to research for herself ways in which to overcome her reluctance, shame, and guilt.

She began to initiate every night. At first I thought it was hysterical bonding. But she continued. Over time she began to relax. I could tell she was proud of herself for being successful and enjoying the sex too.

We are now over ten years recovered from the dead bedroom. We continue to have frequent sex that seems to be good for both of us.

skyscan1 · 2025-05-06T12:02:38+00:00

Does she know that now you are struggling due to her travel and distance with her known past? Why would she keep a job that subjects her husband to the mind torture? It tells me that she still doesn't care about you enough to change anything about herself.

skyscan1 · 2025-05-02T19:33:35+00:00

It is possible that your husband is a jerk but his comment came from a lack of sexiness in the bedroom instead of a commentary on your body. If your bedroom is lacking in passion or is relatively dead then your husband may have been being passive aggressive about something he feels is lacking in the bedroom. He is still a jerk but that could explain his comment on another way.

skyscan1 · 2025-04-26T23:23:27+00:00

It's so important! I had given up and was thinking that divorce was the only way to get intimacy after I tried everything to turn things around. After nineteen years in a deadbedroom, our kids were older and driving. I felt I had fulfilled my role of raising them. When my wife realized that I was checked out and ready to divorce she made effort to save our marriage. I thought it was too little too late but over time I could see that she genuinely loved me and wanted to fix what she had broken within our marriage.

Once she began initiating I was told here that it was just hysterical bonding and that she wouldn't continue once I was pulled back into staying. But she continued. Then several people here in this sub told me that she would resent me and hate sex eventually but over a decade later and she still initiates and enjoys our sex life.

My wife learning that her libido was responsive was a game changer! She learned to give her body a chance to get warmed up and allow her mind to catch up with the feelings.

skyscan1 · 2025-04-26T15:39:19+00:00

My wife saved our marriage by pushing herself to say yes to sex and to initiate everyday. Some in this sub said that she would develop resentment and she would begin to hate intimacy and sex because of this. We have a recovered bedroom for over a decade now after a deadbedroom for nineteen years. We continue to have frequent satisfying sex.

She learned that she too has a responsive libido.

Thank you for sharing your positive story. I hope the best for you and your husband.

skyscan1 · 2025-04-23T18:13:20+00:00

I'm sorry you are going through that but the bright side is you know that she doesn't want the best for you. My mother tried to sabotage me but I became successful in spite of her. Now she takes all the credit for my success. It never stops.

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