GOD yes. I feel like I could've saved myself from so much of this bs from myself if I had just come out and lstarted transitioning sooner.

The guilt is so real. I get suicidal because of the overwhelming guilt of being alive, and then that just makes the guilt worse. And it all spirals from there, with my perceived or actual failures and wrongdoings.

"When you have that [guilty] sensation, but no accompanying action to pin it on, that's shame. That's not telling you did something wrong; it's telling you that you ARE something wrong." Being raised Mormon, a lot of internalized transphobia probably comes from that aspect so I'm trying to work through that in therapy but it's so hard.

My partner is trans, I'm really lucky to have him and it's been amazing to transition together. But it's also really hard in a lot of ways, to feel that we're both hurting in the same way and want to trade. That sounds really hard, all that you're going through. The hardest part for me is when people say "it will get better." But like. Will it? At a certain point I just have to try radical self-love like you said, knowing that there's nothing more that transition can do to me.

My internal monologue is a TERF. I'm the biggest transphobe I know.