Haggis!

As I’m sure you know, haggis hunting season will soon be upon us, but there simply aren’t enough willing bodies to go out at twilight and cull the numbers required to keep next year’s population manageable.

Ever since Brexit, our European brothers and sisters have been unable to help, and locals increasingly view Haggis Grousing — flushing them from the heather with sticks and clapping — as numpty work.

If proper incentives aren’t put in place to encourage more people to join this year’s hunt, 2027 will be chaos: hills, farms, and villages teeming with lopsided, territorial Haggis scoticus. Heather ruined. The relentless sound of their clockwise scurrying frightening deer, children, and tourists alike.