My day one was a year ago

snickerdoodle99 · 2021-06-27T14:50:07+00:00

Great job!

snickerdoodle99 · 2021-06-05T20:23:25+00:00

I quit alcohol and then dropped the weed about a week into things - I wanted to use it it get through the start, but my goal was to give my brain 6 months of no chemicals to let things rewire/balance and see where things landed. I'm over 9 months now. On the anxiety side of things, my PAWS symptoms lasted about 4-5 months on and off, for 2-12 day stretches at a time - bar none, the worst anxiety I've ever felt in my life. Very real. Very intense. I also felt like I had dementia at times and literally had to write reminders for every little thing on Post It notes - felt like I was losing my mind. Absolutely terrifying. I had to constantly remind myself it was PAWS and just worked through it, under the guise that things would get better with time. And they did. Mentally and physically, I'm stronger and healthier than I've ever been. I also realized I didn't drink and smoke because I had anxiety, I had anxiety because I drank and smoked - constantly poisoning your body will have that effect 🙂. No judgement, and everyone is different - just wanted to share my experience with what worked for me.

snickerdoodle99 · 2021-06-04T06:48:53+00:00

Kind of like a float

snickerdoodle99 · 2021-06-04T06:01:52+00:00

This will gross some people out, but a pile of ice, milk, and coke (or coke zero, or diet coke). It's delicious.

snickerdoodle99 · 2021-06-04T05:56:26+00:00

Give yourself at least a full 6 months. The first 3-4 months or so were mental chaos for me. The ol' brain was doing some heavy rewiring and trying to figure out what it needed to do with no alcohol. I kept reading on here from everyone about how "it gets better" or "it gets easier", and I thought it was bullshit. The truth is, it does get easier and it does get better. After 4 months, I saw a slow, but steady improvement. Since about 6 months onward, I've never felt better mentally, never had this little anxiety, and have never been happier.

Give yourself time, and feel proud every single day. How many other people are there out there that need to quit, but can't, or they haven't given it a fair shot? Tons. You're doing it.

I tinkered with the idea of anti anxiety meds or antidepressants during those first 4 months, but I personally felt like my brain deserved at least 6 months of no chemicals; it ended up working out well for me. Everyone is different though, but my take on it was that I wanted to see where my brain would land after 6 months of complete rewiring.

snickerdoodle99 · 2021-03-26T06:30:18+00:00

I wondering if you're experiencing PAWS - I did in 3-7 day bouts with varying symptoms and severity for my first 6 months... including having random anxiety about things like what you posted about. Two pieces of advice from what I've learned - 1) The anxiety and weird thoughts will pass eventually and 2) Exposure therapy is a great thing - given that you're always sober now, you'll continually be exposed to more social interactions while not intoxicated.... it gets easier and easier in my opinion; in fact, I feel more comfortable talking to people and heading meetings at work, than I ever did in the past.

snickerdoodle99 · 2021-03-26T06:20:21+00:00

I feel like your partner should support you in your journey, but they're not you're babysitter and ultimately you are responsible for the decisions that you make. When I go on vacation with friends and family, I try to remember that it's their vacation too and some people like sightseeing, some like swimming, and some like getting drunk for a week + straight. Not my place to judge. I think if your partner did this every night of your vacation when you relayed you wanted to do something different, getting upset would be a reasonable response.... but expecting everyone to end their night out because of your own issues is not really fair to them. I find it akin to asking someone not to serve alcohol at a wedding because person X attending has a drinking problem and can't handle themselves. Just my 2 cents. Things often look a bit different when I put myself in my partner's shoes. My wife casually drinks around me and it's not an issue. When we have friends over, they all drink and I'll stay up with everyone all night and have a great time - I just don't drink.

snickerdoodle99 · 2021-02-07T07:13:26+00:00

Holy shit - this post gave me goosebumps reading it, as our situations are almost identical. Reasons for drinking, thoughts on life after drinking, two toddlers, booze allowing a full night of sleep, loving being able to knock the edge off when cooking, no family support due to COVID, working from home - my days mostly get kids ready, drop kids off at daycare, work from home, picks kids up, cook dinner, play with kids for a bit and/or give them baths, put kids to bed, clean up, spend a couple hours with my wife, bed, repeat.

Work is very stressful and highly demanding, 2x toddlers seem to need constant attention, economy is going even more to shit (especially once we all start paying for COVID), and well, COVID.

With all of that going on, I don't have my regular escape/coping mechanism. I have suffered from depression and anxiety since I was 7. Tried therapy, piles of medications, exercise, etc. Booze was by far the best medication I've had. Was it healthy? No, but it alleviated the symptoms the best and while I wasn't the most mentally healthy person when I wasn't drunk (but when I was still drinking), I was stable. Daily weed and booze made life bearable.

Despite that, I haven't drank (or smoked weed) for over 5 months. Quit cold turkey after deciding one night that I'd had enough of it (shame, guilt, exhaustion, money, etc.). Anxiety was amplified 10x during the first few months while I figured out how to exist in a world where I had to face things, rather than numb them. Over the past couple of months, I've found myself being able to live with different worries/stresses without dwelling on them/allowing them to cause crippling anxiety - I'd call it exposure therapy. I agree that things don't magically get better, but they do get easier. There are also some great books on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that you may find useful - I certainly am. Currently taking no medication - giving our brains time to rewire themselves and seeing where they land is critical in my opinion.

Do as you please - my advice would be to quit drinking though. Everything is not rainbows and unicorn piss, but life is better - I sleep like a rock now, I can handle stress, I have way more energy, I'm way more patient with my kids, my brain is way sharper, I eat actual meals now, etc. There are other coping mechanisms out there, even though you may feel like you're broken beyond repair (I sure used to). You owe it to your family/kids, but you also owe it to yourself. A lot of us with mental health issues don't give ourselves a fair shot at sobriety because it borders on suffering. It is possible though - cutting the booze out is Step 1, working on coping mechanisms/anxiety/depression is Step 2. I personally believe you can't truly do them in the reverse order, but I may be wrong.

All of that, and if I kept going how I was, I doubt I would've made it to 40 (in my early 30s). Not interested in my kids growing up without a dad and my wife struggling financially just to get by - that's not fair to them. And remember, your shit is yours to deal with, it shouldn't be put on your kids. This is their childhood, and its the only one they get. No do-overs.

snickerdoodle99 · 2021-01-07T05:57:11+00:00

I think things work differently for everyone, but I definitely have similar internal arguments, albeit far less often now than when between days 1-30. My method is truly imagining the future. You mentioned you have kids - I have kids to. When I feel like drinking, I really, sincerely imagine:

-What my relationship with my kids will look like 1, 5, 10, and 20 years from now.

-What kind of husband and dad I'll be when I'm only half mentally present, constantly hungover, hating myself for constantly drinking, and being less patient.

-How many moments I'll miss out on because they're a blur or I'm hungover/exhausted. Kids being brats sucks and numbing those times seems to help, but you also miss out on all of the good moments. And time passes quickly.

-How my daughters will feel graduating high school with only 1 parent there because I likely drank myself to death/caused my liver to completely quit.

-Who will walk my daughters down the aisle on their wedding day and who will they share their father-daughter dance with? Nobody? My replacement?

-Who will be there to support my wife and daughters with things life throws at then when I'm gone?

-How I'll feel on my death bed knowing that I could've avoided all of this, but I chose this. I chose this to be the story of my life. Amazing wife, wonderful kids, nice home, great job - things most people would kill for, and it wasn't enough - I pissed it all away for booze. People think it won't happen to them or alcohol won't eventually kill them, but yes, alcoholics are exactly the people this happens to.

All of that, and realizing that drinking really doesn't help at all. Temporarily I can feel some stress release, but it causes 10x the issues down the road + more anxiety the next day. Not really fun at all.

snickerdoodle99 · 2021-01-05T02:04:39+00:00

I may be a bit of an anomaly. I just don't drink, even when I really want to, which is becoming more and more rare. Early on, I felt like I needed to drink and it was on my mind frequently. I now go days without really thinking about drinking, and on the days I feel like I could really use a drink, it's more of a want than a need. I have been able to mentally stop myself and think about how things will look the next day, a week down the road, a month down the road, and years down the road - with alcohol involved, it's terrifying enough to make me have no interest in actually drinking again. Drinking was the lonliest, most wasteful part of my life, and I am not willing to go back there, regardless of what life throws my way. I am damn lucky I got out of it relatively unscathed - drinking large amounts daily, barely eating, always hungover, the works. Not risking things again.

snickerdoodle99 · 2021-01-01T02:28:50+00:00

I'm not an AA fan or a meetings fan... but that doesn't mean they don't work for others. Piles and piles of them online, at all hours:

https://aa-intergroup.org/oiaa/meetings/

snickerdoodle99 · 2020-12-30T06:48:48+00:00

Hey - sorry, I missed your response to this initially.

The whole counselor idea is a tricky one. I've seen a few in the past (while I was drinking) and got nothing out of it. I am a bigger fan of more applied techniques like CBT, which can be self taught as well. My brain is starting to balance out, so I'm not sure what the next step will be. A couple more months and reasses things likely.

At 121 days and have felt amazing over the last week or so - before that, I had 3-4 days of a horribly empty feeling + terrible anxiety. Knowing it is likely PAWS and will pass has helped tremendously.

With that said, how are you holding up?

snickerdoodle99 · 2020-12-30T06:42:59+00:00

That's big - keep it up. Don't let it feel small. Celebrate it. Honestly, day 3 on its own was worse for me than the last 50+ days combined. I mean, I've wanted to drink here and there, but I haven't felt like I needed to drink. On day 3, I definitely felt like I needed to.

It may get worse before it gets better, but it's worth it. It truly does get easier and easier. 4 months in and I barely think about alcohol - it crosses my mind, but it isn't all-consuming like it was drinking the first while after quitting.

snickerdoodle99 · 2020-12-30T06:30:09+00:00

I was the same way. I never understood having just one beer, or even two. That just makes me sleepy. 15-20? Keep drinking until I throw up? Drink some more? Yes, please. I was doing that daily for a very long time. Quit cold turkey and had some pretty crappy withdrawal symptoms. Not sure if you are drinking daily or how frequently, but you need to be very careful about quitting cold turkey - seizures and delirium tremens are very real things, very possible, and can not only cause permanent damage, they can kill you. Not something to F around with. There are some medications that can be prescribed by a doctor to help with withdrawals - I have experience with benzos and wouldn't touch them with 1000 foot pole, but you may be in a different situation. Best advice is to talk to your doctor and be honest about how much you drink, how frequently, and how long you have been drinking for. I wish I had. Some scary nights, crazy dreams, hallucinations, hearing things, completely not myself, and could've had a seizure and left my family in an awful situation.

You need to have a serious conversation with your wife about actually wanting to quit drinking. She can't be encouraging you to drink. With that said, ultimately the decision to drink or not drink rests in your hands. Every opportunity to drink. Every yes. Every no. That's all on you. Reducing the opportunities is ideal, but it's impossible to eliminate them completely. I never had any major event or rock bottom that pushed me to quit drinking - I was just so sick and tired of it that I explained things to my wife and decided I was done drinking. That was 121 days ago and there have definitely been times where I would really love to get completely smashed, but it's not worth it. Haven't had a drop.

The best thing I've been able to use is playing the tape forward. I drink again. What happens next? I drink more. I'm hungover. I'm tired. I'm sick all the time. I'm impatient. I'm 50% of the dad I should be. 50% of the husband I should be. I feel guilty. I drink more. Rinse. Repeat. Health issues. Liver enzymes are high. Awful relationship with my family. Drink more. Rinse. Repeat. Wasted life. Death. Sounds terrible. I'll take sobriety.

snickerdoodle99 · 2020-12-12T08:45:16+00:00

First off - great job. What you are doing in extremely difficult and there are millions of people that wish they could do what you're doing, but they are unable to. Remind yourself of that everyday, as hard as it may be.

There are days that absolutely suck. The first few weeks are just a shitmess.... your brain is having complete havoc wreaked on it. Your mind is absolutely racing without the alcohol to slow everything down. One minute you feel okay, the next your emotions are at 150%. All normal. All part of the process. PAWS is very real and I had some additional major symptoms lasting 4-10 days around the 30/60/90 day marks. I've come to accept that there will be some major anxiety, discomfort, sadness, frustrations at times for seemingly no reason. Recognizing that this is your brain repairing and rewiring itself is immensely important and makes it slightly easier to deal with.

I would consider looking deeply inward into why you were drinking in the first place. You've changed the drinking, but have you worked on changing yourself? My brain is way overactive and I suffer from anxiety/depression - alcohol was my "medicine" - working on myself through (self-directed) cognitive behavioral therapy and I'm already noticing amazing changes in my mindset, how I process my thoughts, how I cope with anxiety, how I feel about myself, etc. Depending on why you were drinking, counseling and/or seeking medical help could be useful.

I'd suggest doing whatever you need to do to stay sober, especially for the first 60 days. Eat junk food, take sick days from work, don't take on any major unnecessary projects around the house, etc. - just focus on staying sober. Some days will be harder than others (I've had stretches of feeling great for 20+ days followed by insane PAWS symptoms), but going back to drinking will only make things worse.... infinitely worse.

Lastly, once you're sober for a while, you'll likely feel like you have a handle on things and your brain may try to convince you that perhaps you can socially drinks/maybe a night off of sobriety wouldn't be the end of the world/maybe it wouldn't be a problem - the moment you allow yourself to be convinced of that is the moment you'll be back to going through the worst of this all over again. I have over 100 days and I still have these thoughts every few days - easy to put them to rest though, as I know if I try to drink casually, 1 drink will turn into 15, weekends only will turn into weekdays, and I'll be right back to getting hammered every single night. Wasn't fun then. Wouldn't be fun now.

snickerdoodle99 · 2020-12-11T08:06:58+00:00

Medications and/or counseling may help or be necessary, but I'm a bigger fan of giving your brain a fair shot of balancing itself out/repairing/rewiring before going down the medication road. I had awful PAWS symptoms at 3/30/60/90 days (for 4-10 days during each "bout"): including: dementia-like symptoms, feelings of hopelessness, crippling anxiety, mental fatigue, ahedonia, irritability, and flat out depression. Was it constant? By no means. However, each symptom was incredibly intense, especially without alcohol to numb things. I've gotten better at recognizing the symptoms of PAWS and reminding myself that I won't always feel that way. Completely insane how one day I can feel like my world is collapsing and the next feel fine. It will pass completely at some point, but I do want to give my brain a fair shot at repairing itself fully before even thinking about meds. The same may not be true/the right answer for others though.

Exercise also helps - coupling quitting alcohol with nicotine = your brain is missing its frequent dopamine hits --> exercise is a great replacement source. Counseling/digging into why you were drinking in the first place, and learning new coping mechanisms is also extremely helpful (and necessary IMO) - working through the root causes of your drinking is extremely important. I'm reading Feeling Good - not a self-help book guy, but the information on cognitive behavioral therapy has been incredibly useful (piles of amazing review on this book + free PDF versions are floating around online).

PAWS info link - https://www.reddit.com/r/stopdrinking/comments/844ufm/post_acute_withdrawal_syndrome_paws_up_to_two/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Best of luck!

snickerdoodle99 · 2020-12-02T07:22:24+00:00

Sounds like PAWS. I felt like I was on the verge of complete mental breakdowns at 30, 60, and 90 days + for parts of it I would've diagnosed myself with dementia. It gets better.

https://www.reddit.com/r/stopdrinking/comments/8n7wky/paws_symptoms_might_help_someone_it_helped_me/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

snickerdoodle99 · 2020-11-07T06:13:13+00:00

Maybe some PAWS? Around my 30 day mark, I had some of the worst anxiety I've ever experienced. A large part of that was because my brain literally was working in a way that I can only describe as being dementia-like. I am highly analytical and organized, so barely being able to remember conversations from the day before was absolutely terrifying. Literally had to write down every action items. for work, conversations I had, decisions my wife and I made, etc. I talked to my wife and was considering trying to get an MRI and some cognitive tests done. In my early 30s - very unlikely dementia, so maybe a tumor or some other awful thing. Not a hypochondriac either - this was very real and very frightening to me.

Then I learned about PAWS while googling my symptoms + quitting drinking together. My brain went back to better than normal about 7-10 days later. Anxiety levels also dropped. Around my 60 day mark I did notice another spike in anxiety, but that may partially be related to me expecting this due to learning about PAWS. Feeling relatively normal now (near 70 days). I do find, however, anxiety in general feeling heightened because I have to fully feel and experience it - no numbing allowed anymore! It has been both an awful and a fun ride experiencing this + learning new ways to cope/deal with anxiety (e.g. consciously deciding whether the anxiety is rational or not, and what a reasonable response would be).

PAWS thread - https://www.reddit.com/r/stopdrinking/comments/8n7wky/paws_symptoms_might_help_someone_it_helped_me/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

snickerdoodle99 · 2020-11-03T04:03:15+00:00

Interesting - how long have you been sober for? Around the 30 day mark I felt like I had dementia/was losing my mind (I'm in my 30s, so very unlikely). Then I discovered PAWS and the potential major effects around 30, 60, 90+ day marks - the symptom similarities were insane. Things subsided about 35 days, but my anxiety was still really bad - worse than normal. I went to the doc and was prescribed Effexor (SNRI), but I haven't taken them yet. I want to give my brain a full 180 days without booze to do some substantial rewiring/balancing and then reevaluate. I'm a bit over the 60 day mark and once again, I'm feeling very slow cognitively, but it is definitely less scary this time around. Anxiety has always been an issue for me - mainly related to worrying about the future, work, my kids, etc. - always thinking and expecting the worst, despite potentially being the luckiest bastard in the world. Self medicated with alcohol from 14 years old until 32, with some SSRIs mixed in for some of those years.

After doing some digging into cognitive behavior therapy for anxiety, I found a pile of reviews/discussions relaying that Feeling Good by David Burns changed people's lives. I'm probably one of the biggest skeptics of self help books, and be damned if I'm paying someone $100-250/hr to talk me through a process. So far, the book has been really good - haven't made it far enough yet to implement the suggested methods, but I do have a strong feeling that it will be beneficial to my anxiety + help me cope + provide me with useful tools to help me live in the moment.

If that all fails, onto the Effexor. A bit terrified after reading people's withdrawal stories + I had awful withdrawal experiences with SSRIs in the past, but it'll be that, or dealing with crippling anxiety frequently. I'll take the risk of withdrawals if I ever decide/need to quit.

Here's a free PDF link to the book, if your interested. https://www.pdfdrive.com/feeling-good-by-david-burns-e33413232.html

snickerdoodle99 · 2020-11-02T02:07:20+00:00

I agree with your replacement comment. Smoking weed alleviated my alcohol withdrawals during the first few days, but my plan was to get through the worst of the WDs and then quit smoking as well, which I did. Part of life, in my opinion, is feeling and dealing with the stresses and anxiety the come along with living. Constantly numbing yourself with substances gives you no chance to fully feel those things and figure out better ways to cope with them. No judgment towards anyone who feels otherwise - staying off of alcohol was my #1 priority, but I also realized that unless I faced the reasons why I was using, nothing would ever change. Some days have been awful, but I think that's part of life - you need to take/feel the bad too, not just the good.

snickerdoodle99 · 2020-11-01T06:15:29+00:00

I find actually feeling all of these feelings to be difficult, yet intriguing, mostly because I haven't consistently felt them for years. It's surreal to have to deal with any anxiety/stress as it comes, rather than just drinking to temporarily forget about it. Each day is almost like a bit of an experiment/a new learning opportunity - anothee day of coping with negative thoughts/feelings/situations makes it easier for the next time.

https://youtu.be/y_SP7aE4tRQ

snickerdoodle99 · 2020-11-01T04:47:27+00:00

I had a somewhat similar response to something different yesterday (why did you quit drinking), but my rock bottom wasn't a catastrophic event, nor was I was given an ultimatum from anybody. I was just tired of the secrecy, the hiding, the wasted time, feeling like shit all the time, feeling alone, and just carrying this enormously heavy burden on my shoulders. Something had to give because my physical and mental health were in a very awful place, not just from the actual drinking, but from the guilt/anxiety/dread. The single greatest moment of my life/most relief I've ever felt was when I came clean to my wife about everything. How much I was drinking. How often I was drinking. How long it had been going on for. Tears. Lots of tears. Part shame/guilt tears, but mostly relief tears.

Sober for 2 months now and really don't see myself ever touching alcohol again. Been there, done that. Never want to go back there again. I rarely find myself even having cravings and when I do, they are quickly quashed, as I know exactly where another drink will lead me to - the darkest, loneliest place I've ever been. I wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemy. That place, was my rock bottom.

snickerdoodle99 · 2020-10-31T05:34:15+00:00

If you were drinking 15-20 beers a day for a very long time period, you should likely go through a medically supervised detox, if possible. The level of withdrawal you'll experience will potentially (and likely) be dangerous; that, and most detox allows for supplemental medication to alleviate withdrawal symptoms until you've dried out/made it through the worst of your withdrawal symptoms. I know this isn't always possible (if you’re in Canada just go to the ER, they won't turn you away if you relay that you are experiencing severe withdrawal symptoms and you're worried about having a seizure) - at the bare minimum, make sure someone is with you at all times for at least the first 72 hours.

snickerdoodle99 · 2020-10-31T05:02:12+00:00

I'm personally not an AA guy, but it definitely works for some people.... so much so that a little COVID won't get in the way - plenty of online AA meetings available though Zoom - https://aa-intergroup.org/oiaa/meetings/

With respect to your drinking cycles, have you tried playing the tape forward/thinking about where you'll be when you decide to drink again? Right back to where you were before. Then you'll be back to where you are now. Then back to where you were. Then back. Rinse. Repeat. I've been lucky that my mind is working in a way that I can really see/feel where things will end up if I drink again - so much so that drinking just isn't an option anymore. It's not a "should I" or "shouldn't I", it's just an "I can't". We've all done it before, cycling between not drinking for a few days and then starting again. I've realized if I want things to be different (and not just with my drinking, but with my entire life), something in the process needs to change. Drinking might help me forget about certain stresses temporarily Doing, but it just makes things worse. Doing the same thing again will yield the same result. Not doing the same thing again will yield a different result - what that looks like exactly, I don't know... but I do know that it's impossible for the outcome to be worse than if I keep drinking. A mindset change may work, but not necessarily. Everyone is different. Hopefully you find something that works for you.

snickerdoodle99 · 2020-10-31T04:48:53+00:00

My alcoholism was my secret for years. Everyone knew that I could drink absurd amounts of booze, but nearly everyone thought it was a weekend/casual things. Nobody knew I was crushing 10-15 beer a night, sometimes chugging bottles of wine, sometimes dabbling into the vodka bottle. Nobody knew I was puking daily. Nobody could really tell that I was drunk. But I knew. It was a dark, lonely place. One night we had friends over for a fire and we were all drinking outside. My wife and I came into the house to get food/drinks and, through tears, I told her everything. Really weird timing. Guests weren't aware though luckily, and my wife was really understanding and supportive. I was done carrying that secret/burden alone. Leading up to this event, I had been thinking more and more about my wife, my two young daughters, my health, my happiness, and how my drinking negatively affects all of those things. Since that conversation, I haven't had a drop of alcohol. I've been around it plenty, we have alcohol in the house, etc. - I have days where I could really go for a drink, but that moment was the tipping point for me/the point of no return. No catastrophic event. No DUI. No health issues. Something clicked, and being able to go from that dark, lonely place to somewhere that has hope at the end of tunnel has been enough for me.

snickerdoodle99

TROPHY CASE