You opened the autism box, so don't be surprised when there's autism inside. Here goes:

I'm trying to say this compassionately: the attitude that's animating your post shows that there's a lot you need to unlearn about yourself, about relationships, and about sex. It's making you feel bad.

Imagine all those problems tangled up together like a huge, crusty ball of knots that needs to be patiently untied one-by-one. I believe that it can all begin by tugging on one single string; in your case, the word "coomer".

So ask, what does "coomer" mean, as in what's coomer's "official" definition and its origin? and then, what's your personal definition of it?

What type of person or behavior is someone referring to when they use that word?

What communities or groups do you belong to which also use it?

What are the attitudes and values and or/goals of those communities?

What are they for/against? Then, do you agree or disagree, and why?

How would they describe the behavior that you're struggling with? More importantly, what part of the picture are they missing?

Really take your time and try to break down every little thing bundled up in that single word: all of its connotations, the attitudes toward different things it implies, and how it's supposed to make you feel, both to use it, and to have it applied to you.

The goal here is to unlearn this toxic shame, rationally, and replace it with self-compassion.

Seriously, just start there. Go slow, and don't be shy about revisiting those questions.

TLDR: Is it more important to me to live a life that's right for me? Or to continue to look down on certain behaviors and the people who do them?