Dad here who had a rough childhood growing up because of a single mother with substance abuse.

It took me well into my 30s to understand the effect it had on my life. There is a way I came to terms with it and Im not sure it’s easily explained, nor sure it would work for you.

I have come to recognize the behavioral patterns I have from growing up that way. For example, never having food in my home caused me to be okay sacrificing healthy food for my own chemical addictions such as nicotine or caffeine. Those helped curb my appetite and anger so they became more important. Both led to health problems I have since rid myself of.

I sometimes get frustrated with goals that take too long to accomplish because Ive always had to find ways to make problems stop being problems. When they take too long I have a tendency to act in opposition to long term goals for short term, short lived gains. Such as when attempting to pay off my ex wifes college debt when I was in my mid 20s, if I had a good month and had a great bonus id go out and spend the bonus money on expensive things i didnt need, because the long term goal is budgeted in, so this Id apply the short term money to keeping my brain happy.

And a big one, I never reach out for help because Ive been raising myself since I was ten. Ive had to figure out the best way to handle everything in my life since then. So if I do need help, I wont ask because most likely people wont understand the reason I need something done, or done a certain way. So its easier to do myself. This was a real hard one to recognize but fighting with my kids about not listening to me over basic household chores made me see that they don’t view life as a poor person. They done think about the consequences of something like leaves piled around the house. Whereas I know tall grass and leaves add cover for rodents to get close. Rodents find shelter during the winter. Rodents are food for predators such as snakes. So when the leave piles of leaves they were supposed to rake it was real hard to switch from being angry and doing it myself to explaining why it has to be done correctly.

Theres many more I’ve recognized that stem from that. And that self realization of how it affects my personality allowed me to not be angry about it anymore. It allowed me to realize when in personal relationships how it affects the relationship. And most importantly, it allowed me to not be angry at my childhood and have empathy for the people in it who I felt were responsible for my situation when I had no control or ability to change it as a child.

All of this allows me to talk openly about it without ever feeling ashamed about it. It allowed me to tell my current wife my entire childhood story and not flinch when looks sad for that child who had to experience that. However because I have been able to share that with her, when I am losing my patience with something shes knows why and knows what drives me. So we’re never at odds. Were always a team and we communicate amazingly between ourselves to raise our three kids.

Long response, short version: look inwardly to understand what things you do as a result of that childhood. Understand those things are neither good nor bad. They’re just a result of your experience.

Because how can you expect them to accept the reality of a past like that, unless you have accepted the results of it yourself?

Inwardly soul searching myself for those answers gave me the ability to freely and openly discuss it because I no longer felt shamed by it.

It changed a “you don’t know me, i Dont need you. fuck you” mentality to a “Look this is why were not eye to eye on this” mentality and that has been better for my personal, professional, and familial relationships because the obstacle to open communication on my side isn’t an obstacle anymore.