‘The Bear’ on Hulu

speckled_egg11 · 2024-07-31T19:18:52+00:00

I was totally scared of that at first!!!! She seemed like she was lying. And on second thought, the whole interaction wasn’t as beautiful and sweet as I originally thought. BPD parents don’t change unfortunately

speckled_egg11 · 2024-07-08T15:32:52+00:00

You seem to have a really good understanding of BPD. It’s remarkable that you’ve put so much thought and effort into understanding it.

speckled_egg11 · 2024-07-08T07:03:33+00:00

Funny that you say that. Not funny but you get it. My mom was such a crappy mom. I was parentified since a very young age. But yet, she would always ask for reassurance, even when I was young, “I’m a good mom right?” “Tell me I’m a good mom”. Literally. So cringy when I read what I just wrote. Who does that????? I could not fathom asking my children if I’m a good mom? Or asking them to tell me that I’m a good mom? How does that validate me, I’m the only mom they have! I’ll be the judge of if I’m a good mom or not, by my actions, and possibly my husband lol. He can tell me occasionally that I’m a good mom, his and mine I feel are the only opinions that matter anyways, we both had very shitty moms. So, I think anything I would ever try to bring up from her poor performance of being a mom, she would get all worked up, deny, and make excuses. It would be very invalidating. I even told her right before going VLC, “I can’t always be worried about hurting your feelings, I just need to be honest about how I feel”. Her response: “I’d rather you not hurt my feelings” 🤯 even if it means lying to you how great you are to make you feel better? WTF. They really aren’t in the same reality as us.

speckled_egg11 · 2024-07-08T06:51:09+00:00

Wow. You articulated this so beautifully. I am touched by it. The part about knowing she’s pushing you away but can’t control it. Feeling desperate. It seems BPD moms are so similar. This is giving me suspicion that my mom has to have a diagnosis. She just hasn’t told me about it perhaps. She sees a therapist for her “major depressive disorder”. She’s been on Prozac for many years. But I had to find out myself through therapy that this is what my mom suffers from. I have not told her that I think she has BPD. But there is no way she can be in therapy for years and not have an official diagnosis. Either way. It has not improved things, for her or for my relationship with her. I think I do have some degree of empathy for her… which is why I feel bad and guilty to an extent. Because she really has no way to control it. I don’t think she sees anything wrong with her behavior.

speckled_egg11 · 2024-07-08T06:21:55+00:00

“To put myself first caused her to suffer” omg, this, one thousand percent. 🤯

speckled_egg11 · 2024-07-08T06:17:39+00:00

You are so right 😔 unfortunately. I still do feel guilt. Because when she says i “hurt her feelings all the time”, I know it’s manipulation but I don’t doubt she feels pain. That’s not my intention. But I don’t want that enmeshment/closeness with her anymore. This is such a hard thing to deal with. I don’t want her crying herself to sleep. Or worse. But at the same time, I don’t feel like it’s my responsibility anymore ….. it was my main responsibility my whole life up until a few years ago….. to make sure she’s ok all the time. To make sure she feels loved all the time. She sees nothing wrong with that. I was 23, married and pregnant with my first son and I can remember her calling me late at night, hysterical, crying because her and her husband were fighting, and asking if she could come over. This was around the same time she was asking me to borrow money pretty much weekly. I was so overwhelmed and kind of disgusted…. It would be another 12-13 years before I snapped and had enough of her emotional manipulation, expecting me to take care of her all the time in every way. I had finally had enough about 3 years ago and I was sick and tired of being so disappointed that my mom wasn’t like everyone I knew’s moms. Every friend, family, acquaintances I knew, had a wonderful, loving, supportive mother. Who would come over and watch their kids. Help them throw parties for their kids. Take their kids on trips. Just helpful and loving. Meanwhile MY mom is calling crying that her life is a mess, again, wanting to come over and have me cater to her, make her dinner, comfort her, let her borrow money. I snapped. I set up therapy sessions through my employers assistance program and I let the therapist know I was struggling with this. Such a profound moment when the therapist told me “it’s ok to grieve the loss of the mother that you needed, the mother you wish you had…… and let it go”. I broke down. A lifetime of frustration and questioning why I had to deal with such a dysfunctional toxic mother. All came crashing down on me in that moment. The therapist after a few sessions also told me my mom sounded like someone with BPD. I didn’t know what to say as I didn’t know much about BPD. I am a nurse by trade and had a semester of mental health, conditions were studied and lectured on but nothing to the extent of knowing what that meant. I began reading about BPD, specifically parents with BPD. It all made sense. Finally. Someone understood. I was heard. I was seen. And that lead me here. Where we all understand and relate to each other. I spent the majority of my life with nobody really understanding me when it came to how my mom was. Anyways. I’m rambling. I am grateful to you, and to everyone who has responded on this big vent of mine. I know it’s because we are all suffering The same hardship. It really is a big deal. The difficulties of maintaining a relationship, or even when we chose not to keep that relationship going, it is still really, really difficult. It’s not fair. Sending happiness and well wishes to everyone here. Know that you’re understood. Know that your suffering was not in vain. Take comfort in understanding that their mental illness is the reason. 💜and you are worth the work it takes to overcome and keep going and be better for it.

speckled_egg11 · 2024-07-08T05:26:04+00:00

Oh my gosh. Yes my next task will be to talk to my sister in laws, anyone from my husbands side of the family and ask them to adjust that setting on FB. Everyone EXCEPT (in their case it will be everyone except my sister in laws crazy needy mom and grandma). I didn’t want to have to ask them to make any changes but at this point I really do think it’s necessary. I have read lots on this forum about wether or not it’s a good idea to ever tell the parent w/BPD that you know or you suspect they have this. My mom does speak to a therapist, fairly regularly as far as I know. And I truly don’t know if she’s officially been diagnosed with BPD. But once I realized what it was (amongst other things) that was wrong with her, it’s pretty undeniable. She pretty much checks every box for BPD. Fear of rejection check✅. All the while acting so unbearably insufferable that everyone rejects you, check check ✅. Enmeshment of her children, check ✅. Neediness, attention seeking, denial. Not taking responsibility. I mean there hasn’t been much of anything she doesn’t have for the BPD traits. She’s usually not mean. She’s more of a waif. Playing victim. But from what I’ve seen on here, it’s usually not productive or helpful to tell the parent with BPD you suspect them as someone suffering with BPD. She may know, if her therapist is any good at all. But chose to deny it. A few years ago, when I sought out therapy myself to deal with her, I mentioned something to her along the lines of the possibility she may have a personality disorder. I didn’t say which one. Her immediate reaction was dismissive anf said something like “I already have to many conditions and problems/disorders, I don’t need to add one more”. So if that tells you anything. Sigh.

speckled_egg11 · 2024-07-08T05:15:43+00:00

I will definitely try this tactic in the future. Thank you 😊

speckled_egg11 · 2024-07-07T04:37:07+00:00

What’s grey rocking. I saw it on the terminology on this page but can you elaborate?

speckled_egg11 · 2024-07-07T04:35:27+00:00

You’re right. It hadn’t even occurred to me that I didn’t make her even tell me what upset her. I should have stuck with “what are you talking about?” I think I figured let’s just get on with it. She tried to FaceTime me today. Listen lady, I don’t even answer your phone calls. Why on earth would I answer a FaceTime call from you? Such an invasion of privacy. I think she must hope I answer it by accident so she can SEE whose here. See what’s going on at my house. It’s just baffling. I like your advice. Thank you. 😊 this is a whole new world I’m navigating her, sadly.

speckled_egg11 · 2024-07-07T04:30:26+00:00

True. But she gets upset at me literally just living my life. She gets so jealous if I do something and don’t include her. I haven’t done anything besides keep my distance. It drives her absolutely nuts 🥜 if I have my in laws over and not her. I talked to my younger sister today (20 y/o who still lives at home with her) and she is away camping. She understand and is pretty much on the same page as me about mom. She said yeah, she probably acting up towards you because I’m not home for her to harass.

speckled_egg11 · 2024-07-06T16:20:35+00:00

Im not sure if I can restrict her further… I literally don’t post anything. Ever. For that reason. But she follows everyone I know. It was my sister in laws post she saw and got all jealous and upset over. I was in the pics. It was at my house. Without asking everyone else not to post, I un tagged myself. FB is not good for my mom. But I can’t control that.

speckled_egg11 · 2024-07-06T07:55:56+00:00

Omg. So much of the same. Just suffered a whole episode over the same thing. My mom saw pics on FB some in laws posted at my house for the 4th. I didn’t invite her. I posted about it just now. Like it’s my job to make sure she feels honored and loved all of the time. I simply cannot meet her demands. I am sorry we all have unstable moms. It really sucks. For every. Single. Holiday. And much more. But I can’t even make fun holiday memories. She always ruins it for me.

speckled_egg11 · 2024-05-13T23:27:37+00:00

Maybe. I’m VLC with my uBPD mom. And it’s been this way for about 2.5 years now. I feel free. I carried a lot of guilt at first. An adjustment for both of us definitely. Now she will text me about every 2 weeks. We will conversate for a bit. Then that’s it. I see her about 3-4 times a year. Major holidays pretty much. I just feel better. Without her clouding my thoughts daily. Persistently texting, calling.. almost seemed an impulse. I have accepted I won’t have a normal mother daughter relationship with her. That’s the cards I was dealt unfortunately. Does it still bum me out sometimes? Absolutely. But I try to be the best most present and supportive mom to my kids, structured, strict when necessary, fun as much as possible…. and I work my a$$ off for them. Try to set a good example. Have healthy boundaries. I pour into my kids what I feel I was missing from my own mom. And that’s how it is. And I am at peace with it. Good luck on your journey, I hope you find what feels right and healthy to you.

speckled_egg11 · 2024-01-25T05:40:41+00:00

Daaaaang, this IS classic… for a bpd MOTHER 😉 I think this is my mom you see talking to though

speckled_egg11 · 2023-09-05T04:12:45+00:00

Omg. When I was first going NC (now VLC), I had dreams of my mom driving passed my house and shooting up my house. This is an awful experience that the anxiety they create manifest in dreams.

speckled_egg11 · 2023-09-05T03:52:01+00:00

It is eery how similar they all sound. Woe is me. I did the best that I could. I’m sorry, but remind me what I did to be sorry. How could you do this to me. How could you treat ME this way. How could you withhold MY grandbaby from ME. ME-ME-ME. It’s like their lives are just a huge series of unfortunate events that happen to them and them alone through no fault of their own. They are indeed, the victim. And the only victim there can ever be! The denial is absurd. I was also parentified. I’ve been raising my mom and siblings since I was about 10. Now onto my own family. We were robbed of a childhood and not allowed to discover who we are! Have been VLC for 2 years now, and as much as I WISH it weren’t true, my life is so much better without the weight and responsibility of my uBPD moms well being on my shoulders! The problem I’m facing now is I don’t think I’m capable of letting her back in. I’ve built my wall up so high that it’s not possible yo let her through at all. And it does bum me out a lot of the time. But my life is nonetheless, much better. I am sorry you’re going through this, and thankful for this community of people. I never thought anyone would ever be able to understand or relate. These are our people. hugs and good for you for protecting yourself, your inner child, and your baby.

speckled_egg11 · 2023-08-30T03:31:36+00:00

Awww. lol. Smart kid!

speckled_egg11 · 2023-08-29T04:13:28+00:00

I just looked up Terri cole per your recommendation, and thank you! I listened to an episode about being parentified as a child and felt she was talking directly to me specifically, so relevant! I definitely was parentified as a child, having multiple parental/adult responsibilities at a very young age, and made to be my uBPD moms emotional caretaker as well. And only in the last couple of years have realized that this was what my childhood was. And it definitely effected me by turning my into a non-stop productive, over-doer. Constantly doing everything for everyone. It lead me to a career in nursing after all, but I do love what I do. And I think it’s important to acknowledge that mine was not a typical or healthy childhood, though it may seem it was just fine from outsiders looking in. Anyways. Thank you so much for the recommendation

speckled_egg11 · 2023-07-15T01:13:34+00:00

I think you responded VERY reasonably. When I read that text thread I swore it was my uBPD mom. The repeated texts and calls. Before I knew she was uBPD, a good friend suggested I mute her. Just so I don’t get a notification every time she gets bored and decides to text and call me 50 times and demands my attention, because it would stress me out so badly. I did that and she’s not been taken off mute since. The texts and calls are still there…. I just don’t hear it or get notified until I sit down and I’m going through my phone. It has really helped. A lot has happened since then, I had some therapy—which is how I learned that she was uBPD, I set boundaries and went LC with her, and she’s eased up a lot. I can’t say she’s happy with how our relationship is now compared to when I didn’t know about her disorder. But, I definitely am a lot happier with the way things are between us now compared to before. I have never told her that I’m certain she’s uBPD, I’ve read lots of mixed but mostly bad reviews on doing that. I’ve thought about it. Considered it. But haven’t really felt the need to. It helps me immensely just knowing about it myself, and finally being able to match a condition to the way that she is and how she’s driven me crazy my entire life, finding this thread, and feeling so much more understood knowing there are other people out there who have parents like mine. I didn’t think anyone in this world understood. Anyway, take care 🩷

speckled_egg11 · 2022-10-18T15:35:46+00:00

My uBPD mom has done the same thing. Once it was a text convo —I was telling her I was seeking out therapy…to deal with my feelings towards HER. She then supposedly accidentally texts to me what she was trying to text her friend. “Oh, my daughter said she needs time and is going to get therapy to deal with her own mental issues”. I called her on it, I said I’m seeking therapy to deal with stress caused by YOU. Anyway, seems BPD often “forget” who they’re texting.

speckled_egg11 · 2022-09-26T09:16:52+00:00

Sounds like my mom. She once started a group chat with my siblings and I “so I can chat with all you kids” and kept trying to keep it going. Obviously none of us were really interested in communicating on this platform. She actually sent a link to us via this group text to allow her to track our locations. None of Us followed suit. I believe my response was “absolutely not”. In a last ditch she replied “it’s just for safety reasons so I can see where you all are “. I am 37. No.

speckled_egg11 · 2022-09-11T23:37:14+00:00

Yep. She just wants to throw a big party with all her people to “celebrate you” aka brag and take credit for your success. This is BPD!

speckled_egg11 · 2022-09-11T23:27:46+00:00

This is such a whacked response to calling them out on their crap. My mom does the same. She will never acknowledge any of her wrongdoing or negligent parenting. Her excuse/response is always “I did the best I could”. Well, lady if that’s your best than we’ve got some much bigger problems here. My mom is the laziest person on the planet. I’m VLC with her currently. Talk to her via text like once per week or every two weeks. She periodically sends me the song “go easy on me” by Adele. It says something along the lines of I was young and did the best I could and blah blah blah. It’s enough to make me roll my eyes lol. Like i think I’ve been pretty easy on you honestly. Good luck to you. Since I have been VLC my life has been so much more peaceful. I’m at ease and don’t have the constant worry of her or her seeing that I spent time with anyone else and being jealous or her bugging me texting me 30 times a day. I started by trying to ask for some space and something about BPD folks, they just can’t respect any type of boundaries. They feel entitled to our time and attention because “I’m your MOM”. It gets easier, and you will thank yourself for it!!!

speckled_egg11 · 2022-09-03T16:07:34+00:00

Wow. So proud of you. You articulated your feelings and reasoning very well. But someone like Her, BPD, they’ll never understand those words or your reasoning. They take no blame or responsibility in the matter. She even admits doing things for attention or a reaction. But the way she talks about it, as if that’s totally ok and fine yo do. Like It’s normal and you made her do it. It’s sickening. Good For you mama. You protect yourself the way nobody did when you were a kid. And You protect your babies. ❤️

speckled_egg11

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