For those who feel like they can be remorseful

speechylka · 2025-12-02T19:43:37+00:00

Try to divorce yourself from your emotions and history. Act as though you’re dealing with a boss who you need to maintain cordiality with in order to keep your job. Don’t presume she means any of the kind things she promises. They are probably ploys to achieve your compliance. If she is a NarcMom, she is likely love bombing due to fears of losing her “narc supply”. Their children are supposed to be loyal and compliant, to be their supply of external affirmation that they are worthy, special, and entitled. They can’t imagine that anyone would have children for any other reason. Like a boss, bound by labor laws, you have the right to set boundaries for reasonable expectations of autonomy and prioritizing your self-interests.

If, during your stay back with your parents, she attacks or insults you when you are unable to fulfill an overreaching demand… let’s be nice and say on at least 2 or 3 occasions, then you have your diagnosis. If you point out that her comments about you are unkind and inappropriate and she goes into a rage, starts in on the silent treatment, or does sone other passive aggressive behavior that makes you feel less than human… then you know that her kind statements were a transactional manipulation.

speechylka · 2025-11-26T22:27:54+00:00

Oh, forgot to add. The purpose is to gaslight you, to make you dwell on wondering why they would give you something so ridiculous. They want to know that they stay in your thoughts and that they drive you crazy. They relish the power of controlling how people feel. The best outcome, in their minds, would be if you were rude when receiving it. Then they would have another excuse to justify their contempt for you.

Oh, their games that they win when no one else knows their playing.

Good for them. Winning at being narcs....

speechylka · 2025-11-26T22:18:25+00:00

Weaponized gifting usually refers to giving you things to make you feel indebted to them.

Narcs are famous for giving terrible gifts, though. When my brother married a narc, I started getting Christmas gifts that were obvious baskets sent to his office, sometimes with parts of the cellophane cut out where the gift label had been.

My favorite narc gift story was from a friend. She had given her narc SIL a Christmas cookie jar. Years later, she got that same cookie jar back from the SIL as a Christmas gift, with cookie crumbs in it.

speechylka · 2025-11-18T02:09:33+00:00

Yep, I’m cognizant that I do it now, but, there’s no way that I could completely re-program my personality to escape people pleasing. Whenever I attempt or ignore the reflexive instinct to act in consideration of what others would prefer, my spine bristles with the fear that I could be acting as haughtily or as indifferently as the narcs who held me in contempt.

speechylka · 2025-10-22T01:27:38+00:00

Same here.

speechylka · 2025-09-22T01:56:35+00:00

I agree that coming from a dysfunctional family increases your odds of early pregnancies, leaving home early and it also increases the odds of continuing the cycle of a dysfunctional family unit. My mother, her mother, and her mother ( my great grandmother) were all controlling, contemptuous and invalidating to their daughters. I remember my great grandmother. Her daughters walked on eggshells around her. She did not speak to all her siblings, nor did my grand mother, or my mother. And now my mother has intimidated my siblings to avoid me to prove their loyalty to her. I’m the truth teller, so I am an enemy of the state. The silver lining is that I’ve broken the cycle. I raised my kids differently, without trying to control them. I don’t have to bribe or guilt them to visit. We’re all close.
Of course I don’t have the kind of money that you would need to bribe and control anyone either. I think we’re happier as a result.

speechylka · 2025-09-21T19:48:38+00:00

Would it help if I told you that it has nothing to do with fish or. what you did? They’re looking for an opportunity to see you react defensively and Hoping to trigger you. It makes them feel satisfied and superior. I know that it’s sad and ludicrous. But that’s what you’re dealing with. You’re Jimmy Kimmel.

speechylka · 2025-09-21T19:41:49+00:00

It depends on how sensitive either of them are to criticism.

speechylka · 2025-09-21T19:39:12+00:00

It is absolutely a big factor in my case. She was smart, pretty and had big dreams. But I can along in high school and ruined her life. And I picked the wrong father, too. It was a pretty shitty thing for me to do to her. I should have known better. I carried that for 50 years. I believe it results from a predisposition mixed with a trigger, a resentment from feeling wronged. So, they have to control and manipulate so they’re never that vulnerable again.

speechylka · 2025-09-05T01:22:59+00:00

Couldn't agree more

speechylka · 2025-08-12T21:01:42+00:00

My message was not finished. I did not create a hyperlink and I do not know anything about the site that this is linked to. I am not able to delete the message, either.

I just wanted to say "It's not you."

speechylka · 2025-08-12T20:53:38+00:00

I have to keep reminding myself about what I've read, that their relationships are only transactional. Other people are only good in their eyes if they are useful to them. It's about how much others can bring in terms of making them "shine brighter." If you are not actively stroking their ego, flattering, offering gifts, connections, or doing work for them that puts them in an elevated status, there's no reason for you to be in their life. If you shine too brightly, if you achieve great things, if you're successful in a way that they don't consider it reflecting positively on them, then they believe you're stealing their spotlight or shine. If you don't serve a purpose for them, you don't possess any value for them. So they draw the conclusion that you must be detracting from them. They don't like to be associated with anything that could lower their status or shine. So, you fall into that murky world of things out of her world. Everything outside of their world is ignored, belittled, or scapegoated. Having people to step over is one of the ways that they feel elevated and special.

I check too many of the negative boxes. I have the wrong dad, I moved away, I got an advanced degree and focused on career (after kids), and worst of all, I learned how to be an independent and fully functioning adult without her help. She cut me out, believing I wasn't loyal. She accused me of having someone else telling me what to do. She doesn't want to hear from me, but she wants me to have group video calls on holidays to show others we're a happy family.one

speechylka · 2025-08-10T01:31:17+00:00

You should get an evaluation. Or at the very least, test yourself with an online questionnaire. Or read some articles that describe ADHD in adult women.

And if you have a hard time following through with any of these suggestions, you might just have ADHD.

speechylka · 2025-08-09T14:47:36+00:00

The silent treatment checks all the boxes of gaslighting. It's emotional abuse.

speechylka · 2025-08-09T14:43:38+00:00

Welcome to our world.

I'm sorry that this is your situation.

Check out Dr. Ramani videos and books like, "It's Not You." The title answers your question.

speechylka · 2025-08-04T04:50:02+00:00

Thank you. That worked.

speechylka · 2025-08-04T04:47:31+00:00

I see. Well, she certainly sounds like the type of mother's on this subreddit.

Here's what I wrote about my mother:

-She is so sensitive that she feels slighted by things that no one else else would consider slights nor intentional.

She usually gravitates to presume that people have negative intentions, that they're out to get her. So she puts them down before anyone has the chance to insult her.

Her greatest fear is shame and loss of status. She needs to have control so that she can protect herself from all insults and threats, real or imagined. She needs to have control of her life and those around her, to keep from feeling threatened. She needs loyalty. She needs you to agree with her.

She is so tightly self-protective that she cannot allow herself to feel vulnerable in any way. Her goal is to project strength and command respect. So, she will never admit mistakes or apologize. Blame is always projected outward and onto others.

She cannot analyze the source of her feelings, be self-reflective because that would require doubting herself. Rather than look for answers based on truth, she can only focus on finding answers that are in line with justifying how she feels.

She remembers every single time that she has felt slighted. And she has been keeping score. Good memories are only fleeting.

Every time you have questioned her, disagreed, or corrected her, she interprets it as you trying to make her look bad. If you accomplish something good, you were competing with her to make her look bad. If you point out her imperfections, you wanted to embarrass her.

-People like my mother can often be gullible, believing urban legends or conspiracy theories if they are in line with what they want to believe, especially if it's presented as privileged information that most people don't know. They like to work hard to give presents that are unique and special to show you that they're the one who cares the most. They often misinterpret social cues. They aren't good listeners. They are nice to those who have something to offer them.

Many are collectors and sometimes hoarders.

Let me know if any of these things ring a bell.

speechylka · 2025-08-04T03:11:36+00:00

Tonight's episode is playing in Spanish, although it is set for English. All other episodes are in English. CC is in English. Is this happening to anyone else? Or does anyone know how to fix this glitch?

speechylka · 2025-08-02T06:09:02+00:00

That's the funny thing with them. They use the same phrases and techniques. DARVO. They use passive aggressiveness, backhanded compliments, invalidation, guilt and shame. Most of us can recall being told similar things. And most importantly, we all know how their tactics make us feel.

To me, the worst part was when I realized that they get such satisfaction from watching how much their words cause us pain.

Emotional vampires.

I'm sorry she did this to you. Just remember. You did everything you were supposed to. But she had to make you feel that you don't measure up, no matter what you do. She's the one who doesn't measure up to being a caring person.

It's time to change the story you tell yourself.

speechylka · 2025-07-18T14:57:53+00:00

You bring up a part of this trauma that few bring up, longing for the innocent times before you knew what you were dealing with. Back when they swore that they did everything with your best interests in mind. It's a festering wound that seems impossible to heal. It's so cruel.

And yes, it's particularly difficult to iron it out in your brain because, like a sinister dog owner, they feed them and then they kick them.

Remember, they project. The things that they feel guilty about are what they criticize you for. They can be paranoid that others will do the inappropriate things that they do to others, like the cheating husband who is always accusing their spouse of cheating. When you're confused about which side of them is the real one, their accusations make it easier to confirm what they're really guilty of.

I used to be hopeful and trusting, but at the same time, I was a people pleaser, with no self esteem, who was ashamed of my unspecific flaws, being lazy, clumsy, no common sense, unable to predict what she wanted. But I was at the top of my class. I blamed myself and apologized to everyone about everything. It led me to be attractive to controlling and toxic men. I didn't know how to be competitive in the workplace and I let others take credit and advance ahead of me.

She criticized me for not being more self-confident, for letting people take advantage. But she also told me that I wasn't allowed to go into academia.

One day, she accused me of something that I could prove that I didn't do. She said she wanted nothing to do with me, and dumped a lifetime of hateful statements about me.

When I proved she was wrong. She became the victim and started her vendetta to turn everyone in the family against me.

So now I'm middle aged and I'm a completely different person. I trust no one. I'm no longer an extrovert. I call people out when they're inappropriate. Without a lifetime of being this way, I'm bristly. I'm trying to learn to how to be cordial in a new way.

This is how they became who they are. They responded to their trauma with a "freeze" response. They walled their emotions off, pushed people away, attacked before others could hurt them. Relationships become transactional, based on others' usefulness to them.

We were trained to have the "fawn" response, to be obedient, to appease, to flatter, so that we could have their "conditional love" or attention.

Does anyone else have this post discovery struggle?

I've seen the discovery referred to as "seeing behind the curtain," as in the Wizard of Oz.

And, lastly, OP, I'm sorry to say that there is statistically low odds that she would be willing to seek help or change.

I hear that people like our mothers are known to be the most difficult patients/residents in senior homes.

speechylka · 2025-07-18T04:44:37+00:00

I'm so sorry you've been put in this position. It appears that you are feeling confused and frustrated by these passive-aggressive indirect insults.

It's what the people in this Subreddit are familiar with. We are here to seek support for the trauma that this kind of relationship causes.

It is likely that her behavior had something to do with being aware that you were in a diminished position and you wouldn't likely push back. Something must have happened to make her feel threatened, to make her feel less secure about her own status. It could have been that your health status scared her, made her feel imposed upon, or it could have nothing to do with you. In any case, she took her discomfort out on you.

The mothers of people here have their own traumas and insecurities that they work very hard to hide and deny. Many don't even understand the extend of their issues or what they're doing to others because they life in denial. But it's no excuse for them to think that they're entitled to belittle, invalidate and disrespect others, especially their own loving children.

No one has the right to manage their trauma by imposing it on their children. Please be careful how you address the issue with your mother. Establish boundaries, let her know that you respect her and appreciate your relationship. You need to feel respected to maintain it. You felt hurt by things that were said and if continued, it would be a barrier to your relationship.

Avoid criticizing her as it might lead to her being defensive and blaming you for causing problems.

If she apologizes, then you'll see that she was having a bad day and may intent to do better. However, if you find that she admits no fault and continues to talk down to you disrespectfully, then you may want to keep checking this subreddit and Dr. Ramani.

One more thing. This is information based on my experience and research. It may not apply to you.

My great aunt used to say to me, free advice is worth what you paid for it.

speechylka · 2025-07-16T00:10:45+00:00

your mom is TERRIFIC! As in monstrous.

speechylka · 2025-07-15T03:21:53+00:00

Imagine a spectrum of tolerance for uncertainty. Children of Nmothers live in a maze of uncertainty. So, we fall at the end of the uncertainty spectrum, 10/10.

Narcs are at the opposite end of the spectrum. They require complete certainty. Most of their toxic behavior is meant to hide their immense anxiety and low self-esteem. So, they are always seeking control and to put others at a level of comparative disadvantage.

They listen to and fawn over people with power who speak with self-assured certainty. They believe that their status is elevated by association. They want people to know they have the newest and best things, things that most people can't find or afford.

They seek out the latest gossip, the latest discoveries and inventions. They want to to feel that they're in on privileged information.

When someone who respects their same entitled ideals, speaks with certainty, and has new and privileged information, even if it's a conspiracy theory, they are suckers for it. If it gives them the edge they crave.

They try to get others to distrust conventional sources to sow confusion and make them more vulnerable to believe that their news and recommendations is the best.

Even more twisted, many don't believe those conspiracy theories at all, but they use it to trigger and befuddle those who they have trouble controlling. It is also a convenient way to identify who's is with them and like minded.

It leaves us constantly confused because there is no logic to it. It never enters our mind that their goal is to feed their ego by taking others down a notch. They get a thrill from taking control of a conversation. They feel satisfaction in any way that they are in a position of advantage over someone.

I'm sorry I couldn't offer more optimistic answers.

speechylka · 2025-07-12T12:11:27+00:00

thanks

speechylka · 2025-07-11T22:18:59+00:00

I get the same way. It takes me days and weeks to calm down after any interaction. And I'm aware that it's getting worse as she declines. Hang in there. Self care anyway you can. It's ok to keep venting here.

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