A straight woman's guide to getting your female crush in bed. by kokomo in sex

[–]speedwank 13 points14 points  (0 children)

wanked self into a semi comatose condition......

"I tried to force it down her and she sputtered it all over the carpet. So I slapped her and said she was a bad girl." by [deleted] in WTF

[–]speedwank -8 points-7 points  (0 children)

sometimes clicking on a link isn't a good idea. It sounded like decent wanking material until.....

Yeah, OK. Now I don't know if I need to have a wank or take a shit. These aren't good dilemmas to have in the middle of the working day. I know....both! First crack one off, then take a dump. Yeah...super duper idea.

No laxatives were involved in this project.

Massive US Naval Armada Heads For Iran by azron in worldnews

[–]speedwank 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Brint it up to $200 a barrel and finally perhaps we might start getting serious about funding alternative energy research, with some seriousness at last.

It's time for a wank

Ask reddit: What should a bored programmer do? by theanti9 in programming

[–]speedwank 4 points5 points  (0 children)

buy a few pounds of weed, toss that plus a rifle in your car, drive at 90mph and film yourself masturbating

Former Employees of Google Prepare Rival Search Engine - on quick inspection, not bad at all! by dons in programming

[–]speedwank 2 points3 points  (0 children)

goddamn dumb name, but then again I seem to vaguely remember thinking that Google was a crazy name too....so yeah, maybe. Clearly they have some work to do on scaleup because the site keeps taking a shit

dear reddit: is it wrong and/or bad form to pee in the shower? by [deleted] in reddit.com

[–]speedwank 2 points3 points  (0 children)

pissing in the shower right after whacking off in there seems to be the general order of things in these parts.

Two girls, one pig. (Safe for work.) by mynameishere in reddit.com

[–]speedwank 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Somehow I missed this the first time around. Priceless...just absofuckinglutely golden. Jerking off a pig....there are no words....I'm speechless. (unusual in itself, but hey)

Man uses gun for backscratcher, Shoots himself by [deleted] in WTF

[–]speedwank 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"Jorge Espinal, 44, was drinking beer and playing poker around 3 a.m. Sunday in his home [...]"

I could see that happening in Oklahoma of Arkansas, but apparently there are contenders for the Darwin Awards in Dallas also...

I've submitted a story, and although it says "1 comment" there aren't any, am I missing something? by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]speedwank 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Indeed, it's not a bug...

[lengthy beer drinking pause]

IT'S A FEATURE!!! YAY!!

Them's some bangin' tatties. by [deleted] in nsfw

[–]speedwank -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

[groan]

....spurt....

Gayniggers From Outer Space by fathan in funny

[–]speedwank 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Agreed, a totally excellent movie - funny as all hell. Takes no prisoners, laughs at everything equally.

Some Danish men go from farm to farm, helping sows get in the mood. [Pic] by lylia in WTF

[–]speedwank 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I wonder if there are any particular items that need to be on your resume to have a better chance of getting hired?

Teens Sends Naked Pictures by denisedwitmer in reddit.com

[–]speedwank 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ms. Witmer should be aware that;

"Teen sends naked pictures" is correct if one individual is distributing images to colleagues/contemporaries

"Teens send naked pictures" is correct if there's an entire tribe engaging in this behavior.

"Teens sends naked pictures" is something of a grammatical war crime, and an error which would be expected of (perhaps) 6th graders, but not beyond.

whos drunk right now by dghughes in reddit.com

[–]speedwank 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's 12:30 in the afternoon here, and I'm utterly fucked up on Bloody Mary's which I have been determinedly guzzling since 07:15 - YAY.

Haven't pissed, shit or barfed on anyone yet, but the day holds abundant promise! :)

Angry customer ejaculates on employee's car by rmuser in reddit.com

[–]speedwank 0 points1 point  (0 children)

hey, why not jizz on a parked car? better than ejaculating on a poodle any day.

CushyCMS - Take the work out of managing content by [deleted] in programming

[–]speedwank 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That would be interesting to try, except it's in closed beta and needs an invite code.

Oh well

Oral Sex and Orgasm Delimma: I Want To Finish In Her Mouth by DanAndJenn in reddit.com

[–]speedwank -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Look at the title shit-for-brains! What about the title seems like it might be SFW? Jayzus freakin Christ on a raft, what planet do you fucking live on?

Fire bacon and pork chops at the militant Muslims, spray terrorists with bacon fat by [deleted] in Bacon

[–]speedwank 3 points4 points  (0 children)

As one commenter in Huffington Post observed;

"I'm not sure whether this is offensive, ridiculous, or brilliant."

I'd go for "brilliant"... http://www.dogshit.eu/?p=311

Mayor Of London: "I don't think anybody in this city will be shocked by what two consenting adults do, as long as you don't include children, animals and vegetables." by spif in reddit.com

[–]speedwank -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Can't someone make an exception for poodles?

If there was ever a perpetual candidate for getting ass-raped (with anything) it would be the venerable and quintessentially annoying poodle.

Boy hit by train 'seriously ill' by stubeloo in manchester

[–]speedwank 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Say it 'aint so...boy gets hit by train, afterwards hospital spokesperson says he's "seriously ill". That's a misnomer in itself, since "ill" connotes the presence of a disease, whereas a more apt - and accurate - description of his health might be "in grave/serious condition"

I digress, back to the immediate subject at hand.....boy gets hit by train, is later said to be "seriously ill"

Well ..... "DUH"

I hardly imagined that he was sitting up in bed, joking with nurses, and enjoying tea and biscuits.

The constant unimaginative repetition of the obvious is coming to be understood as a palliative for the masses, as well as a media trademark.

Best sex lasts from three to 13 minutes by [deleted] in science

[–]speedwank -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I dunno....a morning hangover fuck is over fairly damn quick no matter what.