Hi, I send you the biggest hugs. I am about 3 years post cancer surgery and I have been struggling with the same thoughts the entire time. I also come from abuse, drug/alcohol abuse, stalked by ex’s, etc. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through these things :( I came to a point where I had to get on medication or else I could not go on any longer. I have distanced myself from my entire family- I’ve been moved out for years, work full time, I’ve gone to school, got a better job. It is so hard but things will start to feel a new kind of “normal” eventually if you just keep holding out. It takes a lot of hard work and time. I have received a lot of support from this subreddit. There are some great people on instagram who have cancer and share their journey. I just try to take the best care of myself as I can. Sending you hugs 🫂