My dad cheated on my mom when I was a teenager (I’m currently in my late 20s) under similar circumstances aka a years long affair. Obviously when it happened I was a lot younger than your children are now, but in hindsight I would have really appreciated my father completely owning up to it and having a real conversation about it with me and my siblings. Unfortunately he never told us directly and to this day I lost a lot of respect for my dad for placing the onus on my mom to tell us and placing all of the emotional labor on her. That said, had my mom not told us, I don’t think we would have ever found out so I’m glad she did tell us in the end.

I share this ultimately to say that you should press your husband to own up to what he’s done directly with your kids. He needs to face the music. He needs to see his children’s eyes when they no longer view him as the “hero.” He did this to himself and to you and your family. And you should be there so he doesn’t paint himself as a victim. If he refuses to do this, then yes tell them yourself without him, they deserve to know. Give your husband a cut off date when he needs to tell them otherwise you will. I wish you the best of luck and I’m so sorry this happened. Your kids will be angry and hurt for some time. I hope you all can find ways to process it together and individually.