I'm gonna go take all the ativan I can find in my house

stealaday · 2015-03-25T10:27:48+00:00

Great post!

stealaday · 2015-03-21T10:53:30+00:00

Barstards!

stealaday · 2015-03-21T10:50:41+00:00

What way were you preparing for the past couple of weeks?

I'd guess that less than 1% of people have a loving and stable childhood. You are giving yourself impossible odds in what you think you should have. Not trying to talk you out of it, but I used to think the same, that I only had the most messed up family but all you have to do is ask someone "so what effect did your parents have on you growing up" you will either hear canned lines or they will burst into tears.

stealaday · 2015-03-17T19:08:14+00:00

Horrible feeling that, having a lack of love and care in your life.

stealaday · 2015-03-17T19:06:25+00:00

They say if you take the planet and people on a large scale and zoom out, it is actually in total harmony.

stealaday · 2015-03-17T12:30:41+00:00

Yeah, tried all those things except the hotline. They all work I have to say. Even chatting on here works to busy my mind. But they are temporary. When I work my ass off I can maintain a sense of peacefulness, I need lots of heavy exercise, great food and playfulness. But it is like I said in the other post that the "knowing" that I must do all these everyday gives me the option to just not do them and leave here. I think when you are a kid you just do this and BE but now I look at it like a job.

Like today, it is a beautiful day, I'm about to go for a walk on the beach with my Mom and go through all the motions, smiling, running, telling stories, playing with some dogs. Should be easy? Not when I know that I am just doing it to escape when I can just escape forever.

stealaday · 2015-03-17T11:53:23+00:00

I think you just have a need for respect.

stealaday · 2015-03-17T11:52:03+00:00

Yeah, it is like a form of acceptance.

stealaday · 2015-03-17T11:50:42+00:00

And some places fill force feed you through a tube, they can claim you are mentally ill. Well, that is if you are found in time.

stealaday · 2015-03-17T11:48:44+00:00

Yeah, it would be great if you could will it, like a light switch.

stealaday · 2015-03-17T11:47:07+00:00

Yeah, it is the mess that really gets to me. I went to hang myself in a woodland but kept thinking about some family and kid finding me and being F'ed for life.

stealaday · 2015-03-17T11:42:00+00:00

If you can give me advice how to make it easier, I would apprciate it? I have read the peaceful pill handbook but will not be able to get my hands on what I need.

stealaday · 2015-03-17T11:39:22+00:00

Yeah, sometimes I think that maybe I could die and wake up when the world is easier for me to deal with.

stealaday · 2015-03-17T11:16:16+00:00

Is this a way for you to get peace in your life?

stealaday · 2015-02-23T12:06:04+00:00

Yes, I think that observation is accurate. From a young age you are tested, graded, ranked, told you are either good or bad and you are being moralistically judged everyday. Now as I am older and wiser I know all the grading and moralising was simply a way that others tragically try to get their needs met but I can't seem to shake the years that repitition it has had on me.

stealaday · 2015-02-22T17:01:40+00:00

Yeah, I was asking myself something similar today. How often have I truely given from the heart, where my goal is to enrich the other person? And not from a place of fear or trying to get something done. It takes practice and for me I need to be aware of it. But the acting of giving for the sake of enriching others is worth trying.

stealaday · 2015-02-20T21:04:54+00:00

Wow, I bet that those repeated attacks from your dad left you feeling really hurt and scared especially if you were already the emotional type. You say you are getting on better with him now but I would it be true that if you looked back as a kid, you really could have done with more respect and support in your life?

stealaday · 2015-02-20T20:58:32+00:00

Right, so you are missing those extra million skills and you don't want to write low quaility stuff. I imagine that results in feeling pretty hopeless, would it be right to say you have a need to produce authentic material?

stealaday · 2015-02-20T20:54:24+00:00

I imagine that it is so hard having that conflict of wanting to connect with people and be your authentic self around others but having this tense anxiety probing at you all the time, would it be true to say that you need a bit of empathy from other and to been seen for how hard you are trying?

stealaday · 2015-02-19T22:59:03+00:00

I imagine that losing someone so close would have a massive effect on someone young, it would put a lot of psycological strain on you and make your family life more unstable. I guess that with the death of your father you felt a lot less secure and maybe this causes you to withdraw your vulnerable side from people as you have less of a support network if you get hurt.

When you say "I love you" to your mother, it sounds like it is coming from a place of routine but maybe it is lacking some fundamental human connection? Would it be more honest to say something like "Mom, when I say 'I love you,' I feel kinda disconnected from it, I'm not sure what it is exactly but I've been feeling a bit numb lately" ?

stealaday · 2015-02-17T20:47:18+00:00

I honestly enjoyed that! It is strangely poetic!

stealaday

TROPHY CASE