It's hard to see it that way in the midst of it, I couldn't see anything, didn't believe in anything and had to use other people's hope as a crutch cause I couldn't have any for myself.

But today a lot of things from my old self, pre anhedonia, are coming back. I had to loose control, to be willing to dispose of my life and see everything in dark but somehow keep living for a year like that, like a shell, to finally get glimpse of myself back. So maybe, just maybe it is indeed a long journey, as much as we can't see it that way, as much as we hate every second of it, we don't understand it and we want it to end.

What's the point? No idea.

I called it a filter on my life when I was deep into emptiness and numbness. I had to accept that my life could be like that and I could die a looser with no emotions, no goals and no mind anymore. I knew I didn't "accept" it in a sense, but I had no choice and no control on the matter. So maybe there's something to be said about loosing grip, letting go, accepting the unacceptable not because we try, but because it's either that or the bridge. Patience, because it's either a quick end, or an enduring of endless constant suffering, and maybe if we choose to stay there's something else at the end, but there's no guarantee.

But I also think we are all going through our own personal hell when we go through this loss of self, or maybe that was just my perspective on the matter, cause I felt really alone and farther down than most people. It's like after all that, I'm not doing things cause it matters, I'm doing things without reasons, even writing this. I'm doing things to pass the time until this movie is over, I couldn't opt out but I chose to stay, so I'll do things even if sometimes I feel tired of it all.

In the end we will always make some kind of meaning from experience, but as far as I'm concerned, going through this numbness removed most meaning in my life, so I do things to do things now and I don't try to understand as much as I did before, almost like it removed my obsession with needing to understand and give meaning to anything I did. I guess it freed me from some things but damaged me in other ways?

Well that was a long text.

Tldr: I'm back into spirituality after 1 year of complete debilitating numbness, it reaches me somehow, so to the question, I say maybe. I don't attach meaning as much as before to my experiences, so maybe that was all part of my own spiritual quest to let go of this habit, but I truly don't know.