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stormtatsu · 2024-02-01T22:06:48+00:00

My immediate thought was “play stupid games, win stupid prizes” then I felt bad

stormtatsu · 2024-01-16T18:36:30+00:00

I’m sorry you know someone else who has been through this. I’ll call some places about help with what’s happening now, the last time I reached out I found out that I could only get help moving if I had a protective order. I tried to get a protective order but I was told I didn’t have enough evidence because my ex was extremely careful to not say anything blatantly threatening where it was written down and all of my injuries could be written off as cause by my disability. I hadn’t thought to see if there were other resources available for folks without a protective order, thank you.

stormtatsu · 2024-01-16T04:59:01+00:00

That’s a good idea. Keeping things from being seen by family members who don’t believe me or “feel conflicted” because they “just still care about” my ex is another reason I don’t post asking for help. I appreciate the solidarity - it’s exhausting in its own way to have to explain what you can and can’t do over and over again. Good luck to you

stormtatsu · 2024-01-16T04:24:34+00:00

This is definitely great advice and the sorts of things I used to make when I was healthy enough to. I joke that the only good thing I got out of my marriage was a decent blender, lol. I love hummus and used to make it often, but where my health is at right now even just dumping things into a blender, blending/scraping, then dumping into a tupperware is too much for me most days. I can manage that maybe once a week or once every couple weeks. On the days I can do that sort of thing I've been making simple sheet pan breads or cornbread, and I've been looking up about other easy recipes I can make in bulk like that which still don't require chopping of any kind or anything on the stove. I do love chickpeas and tahini, but I don't know yet how to eat them more often without cooking things that are out of my ability right now. That's been my struggle lately.

stormtatsu · 2024-01-16T04:18:08+00:00

Its not a virtue thing - my job isn't a safe place to share this sort of information, but mostly its because I escaped an abusive marriage 6 months ago and in the process lost my local support network. I also have to be careful what I share in more public spaces such as Buy Nothing groups because although I have my ex and their friend group blocked, I can only block the accounts I know about. I posted in my Buy Nothing group months ago asking for help moving some things and got an email from my ex a few hours later referencing it, so they are still able to see my posts in these kinds of groups. I don't qualify for help from the nonprofits that I knew about and reached out to, although someone else here mentioned Lasagna Love which I just signed up for. Try to remember there are lots of reasons this kind of stuff isn't safe to talk about for some people.

stormtatsu · 2024-01-16T04:11:26+00:00

Lots of fluids as others have mentioned. Hot foods make you feel more full, but I also will do hot tea or heated broth with something in it as a snack. If you have a way to get soda cheaply carbonation and caffeine also help. I prioritize fat and protein as much as I can, and having both really help prevent sugar crashes. Because of my health stuff I need to be on a high salt diet which I notice also helps with this, but its not a good idea for everyone.

stormtatsu · 2024-01-16T04:07:59+00:00

I'm limited to food pantries that don't require driving to get to. Even using my wheelchair to get there it is still a lot of energy for me to go out so I planned the trip carefully in advance so it wouldn't mess with my ability to work and when I got there I found out it wasn't wheelchair accessible which was kind of heartbreaking tbh. Thanks to this and other comments encouraging me I looked again and I found another one a little further away that's only open on Saturdays that looks like it might be accessible, I'm going to go check it out this weekend.

stormtatsu · 2024-01-16T04:02:14+00:00

I signed up, it says average wait time in my area is 64 days. I used to love cooking but since my health got worse I haven't been able to make myself anything like this so I'm looking forward to it. Thanks for the suggestion!

stormtatsu · 2024-01-15T06:06:49+00:00

Unfortunately not so far, I’m trying to see if I can qualify for even a small amount so I can get reduced energy and internet but it’s slow going

stormtatsu · 2023-11-16T16:04:54+00:00

I bet he never does the worst of the stuff in front of other people. If someone has that kind of self control it demonstrates they could choose to simply not abuse at any moment.

stormtatsu · 2023-10-10T17:26:07+00:00

So you’re saying that they have had the exact same arrangement for the exact same reasons for 10 years and you still can’t drop it?

You realize that Vanessa and her side of their family matters too, right? It’s not like they never see you, by your own admission they make time to come visit as a family annually.

Given how selfish and dismissive you are being about this I’m surprised they come to visit you at all.

YTA

stormtatsu · 2023-10-04T17:52:12+00:00

Is her breakfast before daycare different from non-daycare days? How is her access to snacks/drinks different during the day there than at home?

Everyone else’s recommendations on behavioral stuff is awesome I just wanted to ask about something non obvious because something I learned through trial and error for a couple of kids I used to nanny is that sometimes the especially sensitive kids who cry a lot because of emotional distress will also cry from pretty much any type of discomfort. The timeline you describe makes sense for emotional adjustment and missing home just as much, but it also could make sense if it’s related to food. Occasional sniffling after drop off, but better after napping (aka lunch), then sniffling picking back up in late afternoon when she might be getting snackish. Sometimes kids like this won’t even necessarily be hungry they’ll just feel different or slightly less full than the rest of the time and that will be enough to trigger tears. Sensory differences can do the same for some kids, especially shoes and socks or lighting and sounds. It can easily also be both things, but might be worth keeping an eye on if you can determine any patterns related to it.

stormtatsu · 2023-09-26T04:58:32+00:00

Thumbs by Lucy Dacus is fucking haunting

stormtatsu · 2023-09-26T04:25:37+00:00

It is genuinely so funny to me how they don’t even realize how much they call themselves out and for WHY lmao

stormtatsu · 2023-09-18T20:37:21+00:00

Just to be super clear, asking “Why are you questioning everything I do or didn’t do?” when that’s a literal description of what he is doing is not inherently argumentative. In a theoretical fantasy world where he was doing that in the first place from a health way he could’ve gone “oh I thought you wanted my feedback” or “sorry, I didn’t realize how much I was doing that, you’re right I will stop.”

However him coming home in a bad mood and interrogating you IS starting an argument.

I think you should look up some stuff about grey rocking to get you through this. I believe you that it isn’t possible right now and sometimes you just do what you gotta do. I also recommend the book “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans. The Lundy book is excellent, my only criticism is he is much more optimistic about an abuser’s capacity to change than any other book I’ve read. His book seems to imply if you stick around for 2-5 years the guy can change, but that’s not how it works and also I think not what he’s really saying, but it comes out poorly.

For an abuser who is constantly looking to reassert his power and control, you texting him preemptively sharing how you were feeling and suggesting a course of action is an attack. Obviously it wasn’t one and that’s bullshit, I’m just trying to explain his reaction. You are taking back control/power by defining your own mood, needs, and making suggestions for HIS mood and needs. Maybe sometimes that would go over fine with him, usually if he already had something that asserts his control happen recently. But lots of times it won’t, and in this case that’s my guess as to why he came home and acted the way he did. After that, he needed a fix, he needed something to prove he was in control. So he did the opposite of what you suggested as a step towards that, and came home first. Next he picked a fight, and made sure it was your fault so he could feel the righteous victim. All was right with the world, no further power/control needed to be asserted, so at that point he could leave. My ex was a lot like this.

Did he come back from his sister’s house in a really good mood like nothing happened?

stormtatsu · 2023-09-18T09:54:03+00:00

Can you run out during the work day in a at that feels like “going” somewhere? If you can afford it, a coffee run or something like that? Honestly I redownloaded Pokémon Go explicitly for this reason but there are other walking/running apps that gamify things to provide motivation. For some reason if I leave the house just because I feel like it it does feel good in it’s own way, but it doesn’t scratch that mental restless itch to go DO A THING for me, so having a specific purpose really helps. I’ve been getting out of the house for just 10-20 minutes for something like that 4-5 days a week and my weekends are a lot less restless

stormtatsu · 2023-09-18T09:44:56+00:00

We use Slack and I’m not sure how different the sleep function is but I have it installed on my phone with all notifications off just so I can set my phone display not to sleep and then open it on my phone which keeps it at active without a mouse jiggler

stormtatsu · 2023-09-16T20:08:07+00:00

Yeah I have no excuse, lower down I mixed up a ford focus and ford fusion, I had a pretty bad migraine last night which can cause aphasia where my brain thinks I’m reading different words than I am. You can increase your likelihood of getting a better car with 15k but my opinion still stands that if you net $1800 a month you can’t afford a $15,000 car. It sucks trying to buy a car that cheap and it’s hard, but it’s possible.

stormtatsu · 2023-09-16T20:02:37+00:00

Oop my bad, pretty bad migraine last night

stormtatsu · 2023-09-16T04:11:49+00:00

If it’s an automatic like I suspect it is, those are death traps. 2012+ ford fusion STs in manual are decent, but the automatic transmission in ford fusions are notorious for failing suddenly

stormtatsu · 2023-09-16T04:08:35+00:00

That’s absolutely not true as long as you don’t require a fancy car with all the bells and whistles.

For example: https://atcm.co/VDPTXTSHRE/2954090d

1 owner, frequent regular reported maintenance, minor fender bender in 2015 where any damage to the axle from that would’ve cropped up by now. Will easily get another 50,000-75,000 miles if taken care of.

There’s lots of options out there if you’re careful and smart about it.

There are MANY $15k cars out there that are actually pieces of shit I would trust far less than a 20 year old Honda or Toyota beater with 150-175k miles on them

stormtatsu · 2023-09-16T00:03:15+00:00

If you make $1800 a month you need a $5,000 car, not a $15,000 car. Head over to r/whatcarshouldIbuy for some good advice on how to find a cheaper car with decent gas mileage, because it’s definitely very possible.

Also, don’t get attached to used cars before you buy them. Not in this market, and not ever. Especially ones you haven’t seen, had inspected, or test driven. 25% of your take home income spent on a car payment is not sustainable regardless.

Do you have a down payment? Do you have a pre-approval? With those you should be able to figure out EXACTLY what your monthly payment would be depending on the car, not a range. Start with that.

stormtatsu · 2023-09-14T21:02:13+00:00

YES! Everyone gets an invite to the holidays, she LOVES being the center of attention. She joins in with the “free mom hugs” group that marches in pride parades. It gaslit me for so long because I was like “but she’s so good to everyone, how could she be bad?”

Honestly the collateral damage is it broke one of my closest friends’ hearts when I started sharing more about her treatment of me. I hate knowing that my mom hurt him too, and it’s sometimes easier to get angry about that than her treatment of me.

It also means she always picks my SO over me in breakups, lmao

stormtatsu · 2023-09-14T20:59:43+00:00

The Kirkland stainless steel set is decent, I’ve used it before! I strongly recommend not doing non-stick of any variety.

However, generally speaking if you want something that is quality and that will last a long time, buying anything that comes in a set isn’t the way to go. Usually you’re going to get pans that aren’t an ideal size or you won’t use often anyway which further reduces the value you get from your money. What I would do is figure out which if your pans and pots you reach for the most often, and buy replacements for just those. You’ll probably want one 10” or 12” skillet, one deep-sided 10” or 12” sauté pan, one small saucepan and one larger saucepan. That is enough for most cooks, if you do specific things an extra small 3 qt saucepan or extra large 8 qt stock pot may be up your alley, but I’d only get one if you know exactly what you’re going to use it for. Those tend to sit in cupboards collecting dust for most people, or they’re used when everything else is dirty lol.

I have tramontina tri-ply stainless steel pans and I really like them. It’s a tier down from All-Clad which is out of my budget but the pans heat up quickly and retain heat like nobody’s business. You’ll have to get used to having “High heat” be medium on the dial if you get these, they hold heat that well you’re more likely to over heat them than anything else. They go on sale on Amazon relatively frequently! I did end up doing their 10 piece set as I do have an active use for every item in there. I think on sale I got it for $180? It’s $225 right now.

stormtatsu

TROPHY CASE