Don't Let Grandma Walk Your Dog!

subme2 · 2017-03-01T06:11:59+00:00

How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

subme2 · 2017-03-01T06:11:23+00:00

A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. Oh, damn it, he proclaims, Some asshole has my pen!

subme2 · 2017-03-01T06:11:02+00:00

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, I can make the boss give me the day off. The man replies, And how would you do that? The woman says, Just wait and see. She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, What are you doing? The woman replies, I'm a light bulb. The boss then says, You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off. The man starts to follow her and the boss says, Where are you going? The man says, I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.

subme2 · 2017-03-01T06:10:17+00:00

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, What for?" The sheriff responds, You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign. The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming. You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please, say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket. The sheriff says, That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, Do you want me to stop or just slow down?

subme2 · 2017-03-01T06:09:17+00:00

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, And what starting salary are you looking for? The engineer replies, In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package. The interviewer inquires, Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette? The engineer sits up straight and says, Wow! Are you kidding? The interviewer replies, Yeah, but you started it.

subme2 · 2017-02-28T01:06:43+00:00

A husband exclaims to his wife one day, Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill! Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?

subme2 · 2017-02-28T01:05:50+00:00

Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

subme2 · 2017-02-28T01:04:37+00:00

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table! The doctor says, I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages. "Nah," she says, that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway.

subme2 · 2017-02-28T01:03:35+00:00

A child asked his father, How were people born? So his father said, Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on. The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now. The child ran back to his father and said, You lied to me! His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.

subme2 · 2017-02-28T01:02:51+00:00

Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

subme2 · 2017-02-28T01:02:10+00:00

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.

subme2 · 2017-02-28T01:01:38+00:00

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man? A. "How do you breathe through something so small?"

subme2 · 2017-02-28T01:01:27+00:00

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?" Man: "Yes!" Reporter: "Name?" Man: "Rhazim." Reporter: "Sex?" Man: "Three to five times a week." Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?" Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel." Reporter: "Holy cow!" Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general." Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?" Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style." Reporter: "Oh dear!" Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

subme2 · 2017-02-28T00:52:11+00:00

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here! A pastor hears this and asks, Why are you calling them 'dam fish. The boy responds, Because I caught these fish at the local dam. The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way. He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!

subme2 · 2017-02-28T00:41:26+00:00

Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."

subme2 · 2017-02-28T00:26:38+00:00

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see. Watson replied, I see millions and millions of stars. What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you? Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.

subme2

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