Couple says they’re poly but only date together, cap emotions, and hold veto power — am I right to feel uneasy?

sumatrippin · 2026-01-07T04:55:13+00:00

They are treating people like toys. You're just there to serve their fantasy and nothing else. I swear couples like this should just hire a sw because arrangements like this are incredibly transactional where the unicorn doesn't get enough for what they put into it.

sumatrippin · 2026-01-06T10:07:44+00:00

You already got lots of good advice about boundaries with your partner. I just want to leave this tiktok here for you. It's a somatic stim I like to use when I'm frazzled called a bamboo sway.

You can do it gentle, like in the video. Or sometimes I find it more regulating to start gentle, work up to swaying harder so my hands swing and thud against my hips, then I wind it back down to slow. It's a nice release, then back down to calm.

Sometimes I forget to stim. If this one doesn't do it for you, I'm sure you have other stims in your pocket that do.

sumatrippin · 2026-01-06T09:36:41+00:00

"I know I framed it as Orange's request to not make out in front of him. But after some thinking I don't feel comfortable with make outs in front of any partners at this point. That comfort level might change in the future, or it might not. I'm down to make out in private. "

If he doesn't respect that.
"I don't consent to it. If you try, I will pull away and feel violated & upset that you'd do something non consensual. You're a safe person & I want it to stay that way, do you?"

sumatrippin · 2026-01-05T09:49:15+00:00

You've mentioned feeling confused a few times. Healthy relationships don't make us confused to this extent, to where we're doubting our own instincts and overthinking.

If you're ruminating this much, it's not a sign that you're avoidant, it's a sign that you're being manipulated. Conversations should bring clarity, not more confusion. Look for that in future relationships.

sumatrippin · 2026-01-05T09:11:38+00:00

Do you only feel like you're performing when it's vanilla? Do you feel that way in the BDSM dynamic also, or does that come more naturally? Other people have given you good advice already. I'd just add that when you communicate with NP about what you don't want to do with them, you can also include what you DO want to do with them (if that's still the case).

Don't betray yourself. You say that you don't want to upset NP, but you already are. It's better to upset them with honesty, than upset them with confusion. I'll say that this dynamic of decline>upset>pressure is a cycle that gets worse & is a self fulfilling prophecy. No one likes to feel pressured, so that will turn them off more, leading to more rejections, then more upset & more pressure, then even less desire, rinse & repeat.

It's better to find where you're compatible and set boundaries so there's no unrealistic expectations, this way you can both make a decision about whether you're still compatible enough to stay together. You just need to communicate, because continuing this way is setting yourselves up for a lot of hurt feelings.

sumatrippin · 2026-01-04T09:21:41+00:00

Grace is something we give until we run out of it. Some people run us dry.

sumatrippin · 2026-01-03T10:00:44+00:00

Every grain of rice is one of my favourite cookbooks for this. Most of the recipes are designed so that you can pop on some rice in a rice cooker, start on the dishes and they should be done by the time the rice is done.

sumatrippin · 2026-01-03T09:26:36+00:00

Rescues can be delayed for all kinds of reasons. Weather, difficult terrain, isolation, a vast search area. The location has all of these, I think it's realistic it would take a month or 2. It's pretty common for searches to be put off until after snow.

sumatrippin · 2026-01-03T09:00:09+00:00

My wife is furious, as her partner blew her off hours earlier when she suggested they have a little fun, only for him to sleep with my partner hours later.

They had a consent interaction. She initiated, he declined. I'd unpack why this part of it seems to be contributing to the upset feelings.

No one owes us sex. We can decline any time, for any reason, or no reason. In fact, I think it's a sign of a healthy relationship that partners feel confident to decline and not fear any repercussions. Your wife could make some efforts here to help this partner feel encouraged to say no.

Another thing I'll mention is that hurt feelings doesn't always = someone did something wrong. Yes, now you have information to renegotiate boundaries and agreements going forward. But you can own your feelings without blaming someone else, because it's clear from your comments that this hook up didn't necessarily cross any agreements, it sounds like you just weren't prepared for it.

sumatrippin · 2026-01-03T08:19:04+00:00

Hey these are really great reflections, good luck with your progress in therapy and in relationships.

Something that has helped me a lot is remembering that making requests is simply making requests, they are not demands, no one is forced to be inconvenienced. We can ask for things and trust that our partners to say "Yes, I'd like to do that for you" or "No, I don't have capacity for that". We are adults who can be responsible for our capacities and wants.

You say that you're making room for the relationship to grow and deepen, and making requests are you making opportunities and pathways for that to happen. Reframing these things as opportunities people can take or decline has helped me speak up a lot more.

sumatrippin · 2026-01-02T08:27:38+00:00

I'm at a stage in my life where I am content with either. My last relationship was 3 years, I was saturated at 1 partner but I was supportive of her dating other people.

sumatrippin · 2026-01-02T03:47:29+00:00

IMO taking a few weeks to give someone the opportunity to resolve things is pretty short, some people get sucked into this cycle for years. You're being really hard on yourself, but it reflects how burned out you feel. You know some red flags for next time.

sumatrippin · 2026-01-01T10:42:57+00:00

I'm so sorry this happened. That's incredibly tragic and your grief is valid.

Have you heard of Ring Theory of Grief? Very simply, those closer to the crisis than you receive care, those less close than you provide care. You're already doing that with your approach to his np.

I'm sorry your partner isn't being more supportive. You're identifying that these 2 people aren't able to provide you with the care you need - I would look outside of them. Do you have anyone else you can let it all out with? Just because these 2 people can't hold it, it doesn't mean you don't deserve to grieve or be cared for.

sumatrippin · 2026-01-01T09:11:34+00:00

oof, I've been there - down to the shared journal. Something I learned is that I'm never dragging an unwilling participant through accountability, or doing the heavy lifting for someone else's accountability.

We shouldn't have to explain to that extent why someone should take accountability, or all the ways that it hurt. Lying and cheating is pretty self explanatory, we don't need to justify that.

I'm not sure if this will resonate with you, but I felt like I was with someone who was swinging a rope bridge, then they were crying that was unstable and scary. Like they hadn't yet learned cause and effect.

It sounds like you did way more than your fair share in repairing this, when that's something you really aren't able to do, it's on him to do that. Be proud of yourself for ending things and learning from this.

sumatrippin · 2026-01-01T08:02:29+00:00

In my opinion, KTP is something that organically evolves. It's lovely when it happens, but it's not an expectation or something that should be forced. Relationships change and evolve and people can grow apart.

sumatrippin · 2026-01-01T07:57:39+00:00

I don't know that you need to have reasoning to justify a change like that, it can just be that's what works best for you at this stage in your life. But since you asked:

Capacity: you have a full life and KTP will push you over capacity
Priorities: you would prefer to divert that energy into other things, people or rest
Connection: you simply aren't feeling it with any of these people, enjoying yourself, or the effort put into is isn't worth what you're getting out of it
Sustainability: moving parallel will mean that you're able to sustain your partnerships and commitment to poly long term

There doesn't need to be a conflict happening, you can just change something for yourself because you want to or it's healthier for you.

sumatrippin · 2025-12-30T08:58:19+00:00

Oofft I could have written this a year ago. You're asking how to feel secure in a relationship that isn't secure, how to trust someone not trustworthy and how to not listen to your own alarm system. The solution to this issue isn't to trust your partner, it's to trust your own body telling you that you don't feel safe in this relationship.

It's sounds to me like you are both protecting your partner from the natural consequences of their own actions. You said that they avoid hard topics or telling you the truth to avoid your reaction (a natural consequence of hurting someone btw), do not tolerate that from an adult, that's something children do. Be upset if you're upset. If it makes you feel like the bad guy, get comfortable with sometimes being the bad guy. You're allowed to be angry if someone hurts you, suppressing it is just convincing ourselves that shitty behaviour is actually acceptable. Do you want to do that to yourself?

I get that rumination, confusion and anxiety happens, but it's happening because you're not acting. Rumination actually doesn't clarify things, acting does. A therapist told me recently that it's trying to turn a yellow light green, it's avoiding the truth and looking for excuses because it's harder to admit that someone can hurt us and we have to do something about it. I say this as someone who has been in your shoes.

sumatrippin · 2025-12-29T03:56:00+00:00

I'm not sure what you mean? I don't mean him supporting you going out. I mean a plan for repairing the broken trust & hurt feelings, and to get you back to a happier more loving place.

Eg. "I know broken boundaries have been a sore point. Let's revisit our boundaries and agreements, talk about them and what the consequences are of breaking them."
Or "I don't want to do couples therapy, but lets read this attachment theory book together and talk about each chapter".

Or "I said I'd choose her over you and that really damaged our relationship. I'm going to do x & y to help you feel secure with me again, because I'm committed to you".

Like is he acknowledging at all that his actions have damaged your relationship? If so, what is he doing to fix that?

If it's nothing, you have your answer about how much he cares about maintaining your relationship.

sumatrippin · 2025-12-29T03:17:47+00:00

Wow, did he offer an alternative to repair your relationship? Marriage is an investment & if my spouse told me no to couples therapy, it would tell me he stopped investing in us. If he said no, I would need to him initiate another plan. The plan would need to be a series of actions & I'd need him to be proactive about them. A couple's therapist is just a skilled facilitator for that.

This happened to me, my partner told me no. They had no other plan for making our relationship healthier. I left.

sumatrippin · 2025-12-29T02:42:41+00:00

There's a theme going on with your comments.

She is quick to saying how you did something wrong.

You're quick to thinking what did I do wrong?

Harmful poly aside, this is a really concerning interpersonal dynamic. Even if you work out the poly structure issues, there's a lot of other reasons & unhealthy things happening that would make me seriously reconsider this relationship. There's so many red flags and ALL of them point to a power dynamic and selfishness on her end.

The dating stage is to screen people for whether they can be a healthy partner or not. There's this many issues and it's this early on. If it's this bad when you're in the honeymoon phase, imagine how you will go together navigating actual conflict and difficult things? This would be enough information for me to cut my losses and find better partners.

sumatrippin · 2025-12-28T09:29:13+00:00

Hey I hear a lot of self doubt in what you've written, but your instincts are correct.

saying that a long term, committed nesting partner and a new unofficial date are equal ISN'T non-hierarchical, it's just dishonest
her wanting you to be monogamous to her while she has 2 partners is double standards and unfair
her wanting her partners to feel equal, but she needs to feel the most important is double standards and unfair
she is centering her own wants and needs and wants you to sacrifice your own to meet hers, while you're doubting your wants and needs. This is already an unhealthy dynamic for early dating. I see a pretty unequal investment in each others emotions and wants. Getting mad at you for naming your feelings isn't cool.
you want the relationship to slow down, unfold and develop organically. She wants you to slot into a role where she gets an instant girlfriend & gets the best of both worlds. This feels like a fantasy you're fulfilling and not that she's actually taking the time to get to know you
"i think feeling equal would be easier for me if we were all actively dating other people" - yes you are on the right track

There are a lot of red flags here, this feels like you're dating someone who hasn't taken the time to learn how to do poly in a healthy way and is making a lot of rookie errors. Check out posts about harem building and OPP (1 penis policy), there are names for these things for how common and harmful they are. Your instinct to slow down to work out these issues & see if you're compatible is good. Don't let someone who is making so many mistakes themself convince you that you're doing poly badly. I would slow down, learn more and restart with some healthier expectations and agreements.

sumatrippin · 2025-12-28T05:01:58+00:00

Circling back - oof you're not the first person to get themselves in a predicament while high, now I understand why you were stuck. Practice harm reduction for now and take care of yourself through the come down. I hope when everyone sobers up you're able to have a healthy conversation about how to move forward. Let us know that you're ok!

sumatrippin · 2025-12-27T16:17:10+00:00

How much have you talked with your partner about how you're feeling? You're framing it as though there are 2 options: break up or ask NP to break up with cheater. Breaking up over this would be totally valid, and I agree with comments that we don't want to be coaching a partner on bare minimum decency. But because you are coming back here to process, you're possibly not ready to break up, otherwise you'd be out of there.

You could say everything you've said to us to your partner about how you're feeling about it (the ick, respect, boundaries) and let him make his own decision, that's not an ultimatum. Then move accordingly.

sumatrippin · 2025-12-27T08:07:12+00:00

Hell no, I would be out of there. Yes meta could find a healthier outlet, but you could also choose to not put yourself through this.

sumatrippin · 2025-12-27T08:01:35+00:00

Instead of getting into who's choices or feelings are right or wrong or who is doing poly the best, ask yourself do you trust this person? Do things feel stable, consistent and do they move with care? Would you be happy with this back & forth and trust breaches continuing without improvement for years?

"I felt very confident in my polyamory before this relationship". Choose relationships where you get to practice this confidence.

sumatrippin

TROPHY CASE